How to Have Pleasurable Anal Sex

February 28, 2010

Home > Marriage > How To Have Pleasurable Anal Sex and Even Clmax From It



How To Have Pleasurable Anal Sex and Even Clmax From It

by John Wilder(34)

I can just hear the howls from you women now all the way down to Florida where I live. You are screaming: “no way.” Before you get all hot and bothered let me assure you, if it is done right you can find it very enjoyable and can even climax during this type of sex. The reason is that your husband’s penis (dick) can hit your G spot from behind and cause you to have a powerful climax. Anal sex is only forbidden to homosexual men in the Bible, it is not forbidden between husband and wife. This is also another option to consider for those of you women are too squeamish to have intercourse during your period. Let me tell you how you can do it and enjoy it as well as your husband. First of all it goes without saying that you want to be very clean before you engage in this behavior. In fact, you should allow your husband to wash you with soap and water and use a germicidal baby wet wipe to clean your anus (asshole). This is most easily accomplished during a romantic shower or bath together.

After having him get you off 2 or 3 times during conventional oral sex, have him turn you over and have him lick your anus (asshole). There are nerve endings in your anus (asshole) that you did not even know that you had that when stimulated are highly pleasurable and sensitive. Then have him spread your butt cheeks and insert his tongue up your anus (asshole). Then have him probe in and out (tongue fucking). The sensation will blow your mind. If you will simply relax, you will find it highly enjoyable. I know, your mind is saying no, but your anus (asshole) will be screaming: yes, yes, yes. It is highly erotic, sophisticated and naughty. You will feel good about yourself if you let your inhibitions down and engage in it. Once the foreplay has you sufficiently aroused, you take a quality water based lubricant like KY Jelly and lube up your husband’s penis (dick, cock). He will enjoy the feeling of you stroking him with the lubricant. Then you don’t allow him to penetrate you. You roll him over on his back and you sit astride him either facing him or facing away from him. You then have him support his dick vertically and you very gently and slowly sit down on him and allow your anus (asshole) to be penetrated. You allow it to progress inside you very slowly and gently slide all the way up to the hilt taking your time. Once you are fully penetrated, you stop and relax. You wait for a full minute, during which time your anus (asshole) will relax. It is imperative to not skip this step because this is what prevents you from experiencing pain. You then start slowly moving up and down until you are comfortable with this new form of penetration. Once you get comfortable then you can start vigorously stroking and you will be surprised how pleasurable it can be. You don’t want him to do the stroking because he does not know how it feels to you inside. If he strokes wrong, it can result in pain for you. When you are controlling the penetration, rate of speed and angle of penetration, you are assured of avoiding any pain.

If you are facing your husband, lean over and kiss him and allow your nipples to stroke his chest as you are rhythmically pumping him. You can even lean forward and have him lick and suck your nipples. Then turn around and sit astride him again and lower yourself back down on his penis (dick, cock). This is great for both of you. He can watch his penis (dick) penetrating you which is highly erotic for him. You can have him slap you hard on your butt cheek and you will find how erotic this feels. It will actually feel pleasurable to you. Then you can take our Power Tool Vibrator and place it on your clitty (clitoris) while you are riding his dick (penis). You can also at the same time stroke his balls with a pair of your silky panties. The advantage of using the vibrator is that you are guaranteed to have multiple orgasms while you are riding him. You can experiment with different angles of penetration. You want the head of his penis (dick) to hit right behind your pubic bone. This will stimulate your G spot and can likely result in a powerful mind blowing G spot orgasm. If you achieve a G spot orgasm, you will likely have it be accompanied with a big gush release of vaginal fluid that both of you will find highly pleasurable. You could even experience a powerful squirting that you are unable to control that will give you a mind blowing climax. So don’t be so quick to dismiss anal sex. It is worth investing in and experimenting with.

You can experiment with this on your own before having your husband do it with you. Use a vibrating dildo. You insert it gently and very slowly getting comfortable with it. Once it is inside of you, stop and let your anus get used to having it inside and it will relax around the dildo. You then can proceed slowly as you get comfortable with the penetration. You want to aim the end of the vibrator towards the backside of your pubic bone. You want to stroke it slowly at first but then pick up speed and pressure. AS you get aroused, shorten the strokes and have the end of the vibrator hit your G spot. You will become more and more aroused. You can achieve a mind blowing climax.

Nudity, Lingerie and Beaver Shots

February 27, 2010


Nudity, Lingerie and Beaver Shots

by John Wilder(34)

I am constantly amazed at the number of girls and women who wear very short skirts and dresses. I am amazed because they realize that their panties will be on display when they sit down, go up a flight of stairs etc. Now I am far from being one who would discourage that behavior because boys from the time that they were little are biologically hard wired to want to look up a girls skirt and see her panties.

No what amazes me is the overwhelming majority of these women wear virginal white nylon panties with no lace. I say ladies, if you are going to show us your panties, make them something with color with some lace. Make the view at least appealing to us guys. Make them sexy.

This brings me to another subject, the nude beaver shot with no panties. Most guys would rather see your panties than just a naked vagina. Or in the case of Brittany Spears her Caesarian scar. UGH! Please ladies, wear panties it is also a matter of sanitary issues.

Finally, as a marriage, relationship and sexual coach, it amazes me about how many women refuse to wear sexy lingerie for their husbands. So many of you women make the statement:

” I am not wearing that slutty stuff ” . Ladies, this right away implies that the woman is good and the husband is bad. All men are hard wired to want to look at sexy lingerie. It fulfills the lust of the eye. This is true even if you are not planning to have sex that night. We still like to see you in sexy lingerie. You women say, what if the kids walk in. I say, install a lock on your bedroom door and use it or teach the kids not to come in without knocking. This gives you time to put on a bathrobe.

It makes your husband happy. You women want to have happily ever after, but did you ever think about what your responsibility is to fulfilling your husband’s notion of happily ever after.

Another thing is that 60% of the married women out there have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less. If you truly believe in equality, you should be giving your husband a night on with you having the next night off. If you are not doing this you are not offering your husband equality. You are being demanding and selfish. Is it any wonder there are so many guys cheating on their wives

Sexual Advice For Single Men

February 27, 2010

     Many of you have the attitude that I had in my twenties.  I had this juvenile attitude that the more women I got to have sex with me made me a better man or defined me as a stud.  I even decided to start a panty collection of all of the women that I had sex with so that I had visual proof of my conquests.  Society reinforces that attitude with a knowing nod to the notion that “boys will be boys”.  That somehow boys need to “sow wild oats”.  Hugh Hefner became an iconic figure in our society with that same philosophy.  Considering the very definition of a “playboy” (insert definition here) conjures up the notion that he is immature, self centered and irresponsible.

     In science, there is a rule that states:  For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  What I failed to realize at first was that my attitude made me very self-centered and narcissistic.  I had no care or concern about the women with whom I had sex.  I did not care about their feelings about being used and tossed aside like a dirty piece of laundry.  At least with my dirty laundry, I picked it up, washed it and continued to wear the clothes.  With the women, they were tossed aside while I was looking for the next conquest.

     What happens is that for every woman that you use, you and she become more jaded and callous.  No one trusts anyone anymore.  Because of this, it becomes harder and harder to commit to a person.  People are constantly afraid of being discarded.  For a relationship to truly work, you need people to be committed 100% not a 50-50 relationship.  A 50-50 relationship indicates that both people are only half-heartedly committed and ready to bail at any time.  You need security in a relationship as does the woman.  Sex between a man and a woman creates a bond.  When you so casually toss aside that bond, it indicates that you are not trustworthy and that you are just willing to selfishly use someone for your own gratification and care nothing for her feelings.

     Now I know that there are a certain number of you reading my book to learn new techniques to pleasure a woman better and give her more orgasms.  That is a good thing.  The bad thing is that some of you are only reading it to learn new techniques so as to be more effective at being promiscuous.  No one really respects someone who is promiscuous.

     I wrote this book to help people be better at their relationships and strengthen their relationships.  The real definition of being a man is someone who can be counted on for the long haul.  A man who leads his life as an example of integrity and absolute honesty.  That old fashioned notion of your word is your bond.

     The very definition of love is putting the other person’s needs first.  You need to be bringing a woman to a few orgasms before you climb on and get yours and leave her unfulfilled and frustrated.  If you get off and don’t get her off, you are just using her and that is not love or making love.

    That attitude was the founding principle for the Christian organization called Promise Keepers.  It is also the guiding principle for a national ministry called: The National Center for Fathering, founded by Dr. Ken Canfield.  Dr. Canfield says that not only is it important to honor your promises and commitments to your wife, but it is even more important to honor them to your children.

     None of that is possible or likely if you are being self-centered and narcissistic.  You need to put your woman and children first and be committed to them.  I wrote this so that you could use the information to better please your woman in bed so that she would be more willing to give you the sex that you want when you want it.  The purpose is to strengthen the relationship.  Great sex tends to really bond and strengthen the relationship.  If you just use it for sex without the corresponding commitment, then it becomes a self-centered waste.

     The Bible has some instructions for all of us men in the following scriptural references:

    Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it;…so men out men to love their wives as their own bodies.  He that loves his wife loves himself.  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh;  but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church;…For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh…Nevertheless, let every  one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; Ephesians 5: 25,28,29,31,33<

     Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to the knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers might not be hindered.  I Peter 3:7

     Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking who he may destroy.  I Peter 5:8

     I will give you similar advice that I gave to the single women in the preceding chapter.  People have become far too promiscuous.  Not only is it immoral, but it is dangerous.  We have epidemic venereal diseases in the world.  You don’t want to be playing “Russian Roulette” with your life and health.  Before you engage in sex with a woman, you should have her produce a very recent negative Aids and venereal disease test.  You should also be questioning her about her hopes and dreams about love, marriage and children.  There are more and more women out there looking for recreational sex and are not serious about marriage.  You need to find out how supportive she would be of you and how nurturing.  Before you actually have sex with her, it would behoove you to find out how she would respond in bed.  Will she give you blow jobs?  What does she think is an appropriate number of times a week to have sex?  Will she talk dirty in bed to you?  There are a lot of women out there who are very prudish about sex and unwilling to change.  60% of the women out there have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less. Don’t you think that it would be good for you to find that out before having sex with her?  If she is not even willing to have a conversation with you about it, you don’t want her anyway.  Couples have fights about the BIG THREE:  MONEY, SEX AND KIDS.

     Too many women out there practice the policy of not talking about sex before she has sex with a man and hoping for the best.  This is part of her notions about sex being spontaneous.  She does not want to think about it in advance because of her guilt over sex.  If she does not talk to you about it before having sex with you, she feels somewhat resolved over her guilt and tells herself that it “just happened”.  It is further complicated that she still has that romantic notion of the “knight in shining armor” sweeping her off of her feet and then wanting to keep her.  Too often it is these kinds of thoughts and notions that are on her mind when she goes to bed with you.

     I would suggest on the second or third date to have the conversation with her about sex if you have an interest in her and that you feel that she has an interest in you.  If she asks you why you are initiating a conversation about sex when you have not even had sex with her, you can honestly answer that:  You feel that sex is important and should not be entered into lightly or irresponsibly.  Since this is the way that you feel and that you want to respect her by not having sex with her if you realize that the relationship is not going to be compatible, you want to spare her feelings of having sex with her and not continuing into a relationship.  You are trying to spare her feelings.  It gives her a way to preview you as well as you previewing how she would react.  It is only by talking with each other and getting a feel about their sexual style can you evaluate if you want to pursue the relationship any further.  It saves hurt feelings and the notion of having been used for sex.  It is honest and shows integrity.  If she fiercely resists an honest conversation you need to pass any way.  The foundation of a good relationship you can tell her is the ability to communicate openly and honestly with each other, especially over important topics like sex.  The key to fantastic mind blowing sex is in a committed relationship where both parties in the relationship practice 100-100 comitment.  It is not found in casual promiscuous sex.  I am suggesting to you that the essence of being a true man is someone who can be counted upon for honesty and integrity.  You can’t be that kind of man and practice casual sex for your own selfish gratification.  A good marriage is the best possible solution for you.  Let me quote some others on why you should seek to be married:

     According to David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead who are co-directors of the Marriage Project at Rutgers university, they have found the following factors yield the best chance at long-lasting satisfying marriage:  having similar goals and interests, know each other well but don’t live together before they get married, come from intact families, marry after age 25, and are not expecting a child, similar in age, race, religion, political beliefs, education, intelligence and values.  The payoff of a good marriage is personal happiness, more and better sex than singles, economic success, health and long life, and very positive benefits for the children.

Sexual Advice For Single Women

February 26, 2010



It is no wonder that you women are more confused than ever. You have been bombarded by multiple conflicting messages about sex and relationships. In a case of “Art Imitating Life” the TV show entitled: Sex in the City demonstrated women’s sense of conflictedness about sex and relationships. They proved to be ultimately clueless and tended to reinforce their own stereotypes. Carrie, the supposed expert on sex based upon her column was just as clueless about men and relationships as the rest of her girlfriends. This illustrates a problem in our society. We do not have any male advice columnists. If you are having trouble with a man, does it not make sense that you would go to a man for advice and counsel? The problem is, is that there are no nationally published male advice columnists.

I have confronted women’s magazine editors over the issue that their advice to women is always written by women. Invariably, these advice writers rarely confront women to tell them that they are doing anything wrong or damaging to their relationship with their man. What you get effectively from these writers is that they pat women on the bottom and reassure them that they are fine and it is the man’s fault. I will address this further in another chapter on how the feminists and the media are ruining your sex life. I will also explain the word MISANDRY in that chapter. It is a word and a concept that you really need to become familiar with and to be proactive in combating.

I differ from women advice columnists in that I am equal opportunity proponent. I take on men when they need to be confronted, and I take on women as well. I explain how each hurts their relationship, wittingly or unwittingly. If you really want to learn things and make things better in your relationship and are willing to hear critique, then I am your guy. If you just want me to be patronizing and pat you on the fanny and tell you that you are wonderful, don’t read my column.

Not only will I take on the feminists and the media, I will take on the church as well. I can do this because I was formerly a Baptist minister.

The church ignores the sexual issues that are contained in the Bible. There are numerous positive messages in the Bible about sex. There is even a school for sex mandated in the New Testament for women in how to love their husbands that you never hear preached or taught on.

According to the Bible, sex is a gift from God. All you ever hear in church are the “thou shall nots” about sex, you never hear any positive messages on sex or the positive commands about sex in the Bible.

You can’t trust the media either. All they ever want to do is print the sensational and the salacious. Truth is rarely found in the pages of the media. For example, according to the media, they often quote: “The world’s oldest profession” is prostitution. This is not even close to being true. If the media had any integrity, and believe me they don’t, they would tell you about all of the other professions that came before prostitution. You can find these professions listed in the Bible in succession: Shepherd, farmer, contractor, rancher, musician, blacksmith, hunter, boat-builder, winemaker, well digger and then prostitution. None of that of course is sensational and would not sell newspapers, so they sacrifice truth for sensationalism, expediency and profits. Trust nothing that you read in print without checking it out with numerous other sources.

Now let me give you some very important advice about sex and men, especially if you are single. Sex in dating has become so devalued that it is looked on as little more than a good night kiss. It is not a question of if, but only when you have sex with a guy you are dating.

I submit to you that you need to become much more selective about engaging in sex. Women have adapted the practice of having sex with the guy and hoping for the best. You are invariably disappointed. You are looking for that “knight in shining armor” to sweep you off of your feet. You want the “happily ever after” of love marriage and children. I submit to you that you need to get to know early on what the man is all about and what his goals are in terms of love and marriage. Often guys are just looking to have fun with a woman and have casual sex. In other words, many of them are just looking to get laid. You need to get rid of those guys before you ever let them into your bed and into your pants. You really don’t want to just be used as someone’s piece of ass.

Too many of you are so taken with romance that you don’t want to ask any hard questions up front, to your own detriment. The problem is, that for every guy that you sleep with that does not develop into a relationship, you become a little harder, more jaded and cynical and less trusting. You must guard your heart and your body. We have epidemic venereal diseases today, some of which are lifelong, or even fatal. Before you let that guy into your pants, you need to see a very recent negative Aids test and testing for all other venereal diseases like Herpes. I know that sounds very cold and unromantic, but I am trying to be pragmatic here and protect you. You need to protect yourselves. Any guy worth having will not have a problem with doing this for you. If he is unwilling, run the other direction.

The other thing is that you want to know that he has a good job that he can provide for your family. You also want to know if he is seriously marriage and family minded. What kind of father does he aspire to be? These are questions that you need to have answered before you ever engage in sex with him. If he passes on all of these questions and you are still considering sleeping with him and he still wants to be with you, he needs to pass one final test before you have sex with him. You need to ask him to read the part of this book that teaches men how to make love with you. Sadly, there is no “SCHOOL FOR SEX FOR MEN” out there to teach them how to make love with you and satisfy you. You already know from experience that what I am saying is true. Most men are just clueless about making love with a woman. Even if he is reasonably okay in bed, reading my instructions will make him fantastic in bed. Don’t you want to have a great sex life? So bottom line is to have him read my instructions and reassure you that he is willing to follow those directions in bed. If he does this, then have sex with him. This will take 3 or 4 dates to find this information out. You could take matters into your own hands and go online to dating sites and put all of this in your profile. You don’t need to date a lot of men, you need to date a few quality men that are already pre-screened by your clear description of what you are looking for in a man that is contained in your profile. Yes, I know that it will scare a lot of men off. That is my idea. You don’t need the men that it will scare off, you need the men who read it and it makes sense to them. We have a model of what a good man should look like in the Bible as listed in the following verses:

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it;…so men out men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church;…For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh…Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; Ephesians 5: 25,28,29,31,33

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to the knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers might not be hindered. I Peter 3:7

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking who he may destroy. I Peter 5:8

I would even encourage you to put these scriptures in your profile in describing the kind of man that you are looking for. You are then again by using these scriptures in your profile pre-screening guys that are not seriously marriage minded.

I know that you still dream of the “happily ever after”. According to David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead who are co-directors of the Marriage Project at Rutgers University, they have found the following factors yield the best chance at long-lasting satisfying marriage: having similar goals and interests, know each other well but don’t live together before they get married, come from intact families, marry after age 25, and are not expecting a child, similar in age, race, religion, political beliefs, education, intelligence and values. The payoff of a good marriage is personal happiness, more and better sex than singles, economic success, health and long life, and very positive benefits for the children.

This is the kind of advice that I have given to single women in my family. If you follow it, you have a much higher chance of having “happily ever after”.

Sexual Techniques, Be A Hero In The Bedroom

February 23, 2010

Only  30% of women can have an orgasm on intercourse alone. Many women of course fake it, but it is not in their best interest. Using my techniques, a woman can have an orgasm while engaging in intercourse. You simply bring a friend to bed in the form of a vibrator. The one that I recommend overwhelmingly is the Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrator. She can get into a position where she can apply the vibrator while she is engaging in intercourse like the doggy style, or the woman on top facing away from the guy. This enables her to apply the vibrator without it being in the way.

Another thing that I recommend is to SLOW DOWN. Sex feels good, I never understand why you guys want to get it over with in a couple of minutes. Women are especially resentful with your wham bam thank you maam techniques. 

While you are slowing down, be stroking her body. Great chefs like to do what they call building layers of flavor into their meals. Barry Gordy was a famous record producer who pioneered the “Wall of Sound” concept. The bottom line is that you guys tend to think in one dimension. Women like multiple simultaneous sensory inputs. You could be stroking her butt while simultaneously be sucking on her breast while having sex with her. You could be giving her a hickey and fondling a breast while having sex with her, You could be stroking her hair. Think multiples. This distracts your mind from finishing quickly.

Change positions, this also helps to keep you from going into your finish mode. Put her into the doggy position and be stroking her clitoris at the same time. Pull completely out of her and go back down on her and get her off again with your tongue. She will gladly welcome you re-entering her afterwards. Utilizing these techniques, I have been actively involved for up to two hours without coming myself. In the mean time I have given my partner the time of her life and up to 20 orgasms. Use my techniques, and you will truly become a Hero in The Bedroom. You might even become legendary.

How To Make Super Easy Low Cal and Low Fat Home Fries

February 22, 2010

One of the most common dietary downfalls is French fries. They are dietary suicide for all of the fat and the salt. Another big problem is commercially prepared hash browns. I am here to tell you that you can prepare potatoes at home with a much lower fat and salt content and actually make them healthy. I must first explain the science of French Fries to you.


Commercially prepared French fries or hash browns are soaked in running water to remove the potato starch. What happens is that this process makes the potato a virtual sponge, sucking up the oil that they are fried in. Also salt will dissolve much more readily and also be sucked into the potato yielding additional flavor. This is why French fries or hash browns or hash brown patties are so greasy. They are literally oozing grease that they have absorbed. I have a magic trick that you can do at home to prevent this so that you can have your potatoes and eat them to without guilt.

In stead of making traditional fries, make home fries that are sliced potato rounds with the skins left on. You can make home fries that are fast, easy, non greasy that are crisp on the outside and yet tender on the inside. Here is how:

You use one large russet potato per person. You microwave it like you are making a baked potato. Instead of cooking it all the way through to a tender fluffy baked potato, you cook it part way or about three fourths of the way. It is tender enough to slice easily with a serrated knife but is not tender to crumbly like a baked potato. You have to experiment with your particular microwave. A rule of thumb is if it takes 5 minutes to make a baked potato, you set the micro for about 3 and half minutes. You then immediately slice the potato while it is hot into quarter inch rounds. These rounds will be steaming. Two things happen here to your benefit. The starch is retained in the potato and the potato is steaming still containing moisture inside the potato. As you probably know, oil and water don’t mix. Between retaining the starch which seals the surface of the potato, you also have residual moisture that will keep the potato from absorbing oil. I cook the home fries in olive oil which is a rich and flavorful oil filled with anti-oxidants which are heart healthy. You cook the potatoes until they are golden on one side about 4-5 minutes and then turn them once and fry on the back side until that surface is golden. You will find that the fries are sealed and don’t absorb any grease. You immediately salt them when you remove them but again, since the surface is sealed, they won’t absorb salt and much less salt will stick. You cover the bottom of the pan with enough olive oil to have the oil be about one half inch deep. You can keep and filter this oil and re-use it again and again, because once your family tastes these fries, they will ask for them over and over.

There are two additional upsides to this article. Putting frozen potatoes in oil inevitably involves spattering of hot oil. This is of course dangerous, especially for children. My technique does not cause the potatoes to spatter. My method is far cheaper than purchasing frozen potatoes from the freezer case. You can check prices for yourself from frozen potatoes to individual Russet potatoes purchased in bulk.

Finally, by leaving the skins on, you add additional flavor but also a lot of nutrients that are outlined from this direct quote from a website called: The Wise Geek:

The potato , as well as the potato skin, is a great source of vitamin C, vitamin B6, copper , potassium , manganese , and dietary fiber. Potatoes and potato skins contain 18% of the recommended daily allowance of iron and 7.5 grams of protein which is rarely found in vegetables in such high concentrations. Potato skins also contain a variety of phytonutrients which are a natural source of antioxidants that help to prevent cellular deterioration of the body. The phytonutrients found in the potato skins as well as the flesh include carotenoids, flavonoids , and caffeic acid.

Potatoes are classified as a tuber , meaning bulb or root, which contains a protein called patatin specific to these types of vegetables. Patatin also works as an effective antioxidant as well as lowering blood pressure. Overall, potato skins help to provide protection against heart disease and cancer .

Easy Pro Secrets to Making Cheesecake

February 20, 2010

Most home cooks have never attempted to make cheesecake. Many people perceive that it is difficult and intimidating to make. Be assured, cheesecake is actually easier and faster to make than regular cake!

Cheesecake does present some unique problems. These problems are easily solved. Unfortunately, you won’t find the solutions in any cookbooks. : The surface of cheesecake tends to crack leaving an unsightly finish that makes for a poor presentation. No one seems to know how to make a crust stick to the sides of the pan so they just instruct you to form the crust in the bottom of the pan. The last thing that they don’t tell you is that the butter in the crust tends to melt and leak out of the bottom of the special ring-form pan. This melting butter then causes your oven to smoke and most likely will cause your smoke alarm to go off.


Butter leaking out of the spring form pan is actually a good thing. This helps to reduce the calories in the cheesecake. It also helps to make the crust crisper. To solve the problem of the butter leaking into the hot oven and causing it to smoke is super easy to solve. You simply place a pan under the spring form pan on the bottom rack filled with water. This will catch the butter drips and there will be no smoking. This also helps to moderate hot spots in your oven which are all too common in the non-convection oven.

Speaking of crusts, all of the cookbooks tend to offer the same tired graham cracker crust. This is problematic for several reasons. A graham cracker crust tends to get soggy in the refrigerator. Because it is a bready product, it can also pick up smells from the refrigerator. From a nutritional standpoint, it is empty carb calories. Instead of graham cracker crumbs, substitute ground almonds on an equal basis. Almonds are highly nutritional with vitamins and antioxidants. In fact, according to the California Almond Board, almonds are the most nutritionally dense nut in existence. They also make a great snack instead of other things like chips. Because of the oils in the almonds, it prevents the crust from picking up smells from the refrigerator. Because it is a nut, the crust stays crunchy in refrigerator. Chefs are always looking for a good “mouth feel”. The crunchiness of the crust juxtaposed against the creaminess of the cheesecake gives that great mouth feel and texture.

Having a crust that runs up the side of the pan is a perfect framing of your cheesecake. Because you are working with warm melted butter in the crust, it prevents the crust from adhering to the pan. The cookbooks all tell you to just make a bottom crust instead of attempting to make the side crust as well. This problem is also very easy to solve. You simply place your ring form pan in the freezer at least 30 minutes prior to attempting to make the crust. You also put your crust mixture in the refrigerator for about 5 minutes before attempting to bond it to the pan. What happens is that the very cold temperature of the pan out of the freezer instantly cools the warm melted butter and causes it to congeal. This then makes forming the crust up the side of the pan virtually child’s play. When you have the crust up the sides, it makes for a much prettier cheesecake for presentation.

Finally, cracks in the cheesecake surface are very easy to solve. The cracks in the surface result from steam building up in the batter. It then explodes through the surface to crack the cheesecake as it is setting. This can happen in double crust pies as well. This is why you cut slits in the top crust of the pie so as to allow the steam to escape. Obviously you can’t cut slits in a cheesecake. There is a delightful trade secret to that eliminates the problem. Use chocolate syrup swirled through the batter before you place the cheesecake in the oven. You simply take ordinary chocolate syrup in a squeeze bottle like Hershey’s and use approximately 1/3 to the bottle. You do this by inverting the bottle and sticking the mouth of the bottle right into the batter and squeezing while moving the bottle around in the batter. You then can also take a butter knife and further swirl it by running the blade through the batter. This is fun and allows defying mother’s instruction not to play with your food. What this does is to give you a beautiful marbled effect in your cheesecake in addition to adding wonderful flavor. Because the chocolate syrup is a different viscosity than your cheesecake batter, it creates multiple escape paths for the steam to escape without disrupting the surface of the cheesecake. In effect, you are creating slits in the cheesecake to allow the steam to escape. Another way to prevent cracking in the surface is to cook at a lower temp of about 300 degrees. You then turn the oven off and let the cheesecake cool in the oven without removing it.

You can serve cheesecake for drop in guests by having a cheesecake in reserve in the freezer and simply popping it out when people drop in unannounced. You could have a basic cheesecake that you top at the last minute with canned cherry pie filling for a spectacular quick dessert. You only have to thaw the cheesecake for about an hour before service. Add this wonderful dessert to your repertoire and you will be admired by friends, family and guests

Sex Addiction

February 19, 2010

Sex Addiction: What the Tiger Woods Story Forces Us to Confront  My interview done by


By Anna Clark, RH Reality Check  I am interv iewed for this piece

February 18, 2010 – 12:03pm

Published under: | | | | | | | | | | Anna Clark’s blog | Printer-friendly version | Login or register to post comments | ShareThis

From Tiger Woods to Lifetime movies, there has been no small amount of conjecture about the slippery concept known as ‘sex addiction.”  But does such a condition really exist?

Finding out requires sweeping aside the presumption, dismissiveness, and shame that clouds the subject.

The phenomenon didn’t have a name until 1983 when psychologist Patrick Carnes published the influential book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Prior to that, the behavior was described as “hyper-sexual arousal.” In short, the term “sex addiction” is used to describe a pattern of frequent, progressive, and often secret sexual behavior, even when the behavior jeopardizes a person’s time, employment, financial stability, relationships, and reputation. While often conflated with adultery, sex addiction does not necessarily mean cheating—or even intercourse. Rather, it can manifest as a dependency on pornography, masturbation, phone or Internet sex, and other related behavior.

People who struggle with sex addictions are of varying ages, genders, and sexual orientations. The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health estimates that 3 to 5 percent of the American population wrestles with addictive or compulsive sexual activity.

Re-framing compulsive sexual behavior has led the therapeutic community to look at it through the lens of addiction for the last twenty years, noting how the behavior activates the same pleasure centers of the brain, releasing the same chemicals as drug use does, and providing the addict with the same kind of euphoric high, and numbed escapism that addictive substances cause.

Maureen Canning treats sex addiction both in her private practice and as a consultant at The Meadows, a recovery center in Arizona. She said the therapeutic response to sexual addiction parallels that of chemical addiction. Its diagnosis uses the same assessment tool, gauging, for example, whether the behavior progresses over time and has negative consequences on the person’s life.

If an addiction is assessed, Canning said, the treatment she provides hinges on listening.

“We listen to what they’ve been doing, how they’ve been doing it,” Canning said. “We listen for the story around their childhood, how they were influenced sexually, both overtly and covertly. Sometimes they were abused, or exposed to something traumatic.”

She added that treatment guides people into stabilizing their lives—they often begin recovery while in chaotic circumstances—and then helping the individual learn to manage their feelings, set boundaries, and find healthy coping mechanism. The process can be painful.

“For many sex addicts, they’ve been acting out for most of their lives and (treatment) is like a death—this was the one thing they could count on to make them feel good,” Canning said.

She also noted that there is an anorexic cycle to sex addiction, where an individual compulsively avoids sexuality. Others, she said, especially women, can become addicted to the process of seduction rather than the sex per se.

Especially with the advent of the Internet, there have been more and more diagnoses of sex addiction.

“We called (the internet) the crack cocaine of sex addiction,” Canning said. “It’s affordable, accessible, and anonymous. People who have addictions are likely to experience them more intensely, and those who might not have had them (without the internet) develop them.”

Dean W., who asked that only his first name and last initial be used in this story, said that he was addicted to pornography and phone sex for more than ten years; he continues to be actively engaged in therapy. While he spent 30 to 40 hours a week acting out, he said, sex addiction is “much, much easier to conceal” than other addictions—which is why very successful people, such as CEOS, can find themselves struggling with it, and why he believes the disease is still not well known.

“When I’ve told people, they think it’s funny, not true, or that I’m a pervert,” Dean said. “The biggest thing that hurts as a person is that (sex addiction) is so misunderstood.”

To underscore the reality of his situation, Dean points out to the addictive patterns that played out in his life—twelve to fourteen hours of looking at pornography at a time, he said, and extended phone sex binges. One of his phone sex binges lasted 36 hours, in which Dean neither ate nor slept, and which cost him $2000. In all, Dean estimates that he spent more than $150,000 on phone sex over the course of his addiction.

The addictive pattern, Dean said, was a way to escape feelings of low self worth and loneliness. These deep feelings had roots in both his parents and his grandfather being alcoholics; his brother has a gambling problem. Dean said that he was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused as a child. His steep investment in his therapy—he has been through many intensive programs and has been in a weekly program for more than two years, most of which is not covered by his health insurance—is in part an effort to ensure that his own child is not affected by his addiction.

Elle can attest to the pain that sexual addiction can cause a family. The Canadian mother, who asked that her real name not be used, never heard of sex addiction until her husband confessed to her that he was seeking recovery from it.

“I was floored. (Sex addiction) …  what the hell was that?” Elle said. “I worried that it meant he was a pervert. The very next morning (after he told me about it), we had a conference call with his counselor who helps set up treatment programs for sex addiction. Thankfully he laid out the facts, assured me it was treatable, explained to me that my husband was doing very well and desperately wanted to put his past behind him.”

That past involved betrayal that Elle said nearly destroyed her. What she initially thought was one affair turned out to be a pattern of secrecy that was difficult for her to accept.

“I had a very hard time with it. Felt very, very lonely. Felt duped. Ripped off,” Elle said. “My perfect world wasn’t so perfect after all.”

Elle and her husband didn’t discuss the details of the sex addiction with their young kids, but Elle said that the process of recovery has made it possible for her husband to reconnect with his whole family by spending more time together; his addiction had led him to detach from the family. Recovery, she said, “involves a lot of soul-searching, a lot of reparations, total disclosure, total transparency.”

There remains, however, a strong segment of the population that believes that sex addiction is merely a manufactured phenomenon. John Wilder is one of them. A retired Baptist minister from Newcastle, Indiana who serves as a marriage and relationship coach, Wilder contends that sex addiction is so much “pop psychology.” A true addiction is distinguished by a chemical dependence, resulting in painful physical withdrawal, he argues. While many people have obsessive-compulsive patterns of sexuality, often out of a need to be soothed, Wilder said, it is misleading to call it an addiction.

“There’s simply no physical (withdrawal) component with so-called sex addiction,” Wilder said.

In the most recent version of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), published in 2000, “sex addiction” is not listed as a diagnosis

Nonetheless, Canning said that in the last ten years, public awareness about sex addiction has developed—though it has a long way to go. In no small part, this is because American culture itself is sex-addicted, she said.

“As a sex-addicted culture, we carry a lot of sexual shame,” Canning said. “We haven’t really been able to accept it, we like to act out, and we objectify people sexually. This all reinforces the belief that sex is the most powerful thing.”

It is a point where she and Wilder actually seem to agree.

“This society teaches people, especially girls, that sex is a nasty, dirty thing,” Wilder said. “Sex is a great gift from God, but you never see that taught in churches or Sunday school. … Most of us get stuck in an adolescent mode: ‘Hurry up, get it over with before someone catches us.’ … There’s very poor communication about sex.

Canning added that, “oftentimes as a culture, we confuse intimacy for intensity.

“We think the goal is to have the most intense kind of experience—that’s where the high is, the power, the excitement. We need to shift our paradigm of what healthy sexual experience is. When we make someone an object, we depersonalize him or her. When we depersonalize them, there can’t be intimacy.”

Both Dean and Elle were able to relate to the idea of objectification.

“I learned (in therapy), even though its still difficult, not to objectify women,” Dean said. “Objectification in our culture is just rampant.”

Elle said that she was particularly surprised about one woman her husband had an affair with because she was someone he typically would find unappealing. But as she learned about addictive behavior, she realized that this woman was ‘safe’ because her husband knew he’d never have an emotional connection with her.

“Sex addicts usually—not always but usually—seek out partners they can objectify. That are really nothing more than sexual partners,” Elle said. “My husband feels a lot of shame that he treated people that way—that he didn’t even really see them as human beings, but as objects.”

Elle added: “Believe me, there’s nothing sexy or passionate or exciting about (sex addiction). It’s generally two sick people feeding off each other.” 

The public reaction to Tiger Woods’ personal struggles has ignited this sex-addicted culture. The top athlete is reported to have sought treatment for sex addiction at a recovery center in Arizona.

Canning said that while the publicity of his treatment provides an opportunity for discussion, which can ultimately normalize struggles with sex addiction, she’d like to see the conversation about it be more educated—and less joking.

“I think if we are more educated about it, there’s less shame for an individual to reach out for resources and help when they need it,” she said.

In his support communities, where he connects with about forty people each week who are seeking treatment for sex addiction, Dean said that there is almost unanimous hope that Woods will speak out about his experience.

“There’s a glimmer of hope (in the therapy groups) and a sense of understanding,” Dean said.  “I hope he gets the help he needs.”

Dean said one of the most important things that could happen for sex addiction would be the emergence of a spokesperson like Tiger Woods, as well as active support from the National Institute of Health and coverage from health insurance companies. He added, though, that he knows that recovery takes many years of reducing shame and guilt—and he suspects that Woods will probably not go beyond making a public statement indicating, “everything’s taken care of.”

Elle too hopes that the conversation about Woods leads to more public understanding. While emphasizing that there’s no clear confirmation that Woods is indeed receiving treatment for sex addiction, she admits that the signs seem to indicate that it’s so.

“I would hope that (the Woods story) might bring sex addiction to the public arena and perhaps educate more people, particularly those who know their sexual behavior is causing them pain, but don’t have a name or understanding of it,” Elle said. “And I would hope that maybe, just maybe, we might become more compassionate about it.”

Elle added, “My husband isn’t the least surprised that his background is similar to Tiger Woods. The domineering father who demanded perfection, the high pressure career… the false sense of invincibility. … I ache for (Woods’) wife, who has to be witness to her pain being played out on the world stage.”

Amazing Tastes While Cutting Calories and Fat Grams

February 16, 2010

We are all constantly fighting the Battle of The Bulge. As we get older, the fight becomes harder. There is one inescapable fact; 3,500 calories equals one pound of weight. There are so many hidden calories that we don’t think about.

Julie Andrews sang about “a few of her favorite things” in the Sound of Music. I am going to give you re-workings of recipes for a few of your favorite things to help you fight that battle. Once you read through my recipes, you can do the same thing by using your creativity and your imagination. Let your “inner child” come out to play. While that “inner child” is playing, ignore your mother’s admonition about not playing with your food.


I got deathly ill from spoiled mayonnaise when I was 16. I vowed to avoid it in the future. While you may not have gotten sick from mayonnaise, it is sickening what mayonnaise does to your diet. Mayonnaise has a whopping 100 calories per tablespoon. You can substitute non-fat sour cream or low fat for any recipe calling for mayonnaise on an equal basis. What is not equal is the calories. A tablespoon of low fat sour cream is 15 calories and a tablespoon of non-fat sour cream is 10 calories verses the 100 calories for mayonnaise. Here are just a couple of recipes to get you thinking. Creamy salad dressings are made using a mayonnaise base. It is 100% fat of consisting of oil and egg yolks. My recipe gives you that satisfying creamy consistency for a fraction of the calories.


1 cup non-fat sour cream

1 tsp garlic powder (not garlic salt)

1 tsp onion powder

1-3 ozs of skim milk


Put the sour cream in a mixing bowl, add the powders and the milk a little at a time whisking constantly until you get the satisfactory creamy consistency that you desire. In truth, a serving of salad dressing is 2 tablespoons, but few people actually stick to 2 tablespoons. It is more like 4-6 tablespoons. If you split the difference and say use 4 tablespoons, my recipe comes in at 40 calories whereas the regular dressing can weigh in at as much as 400 calories. If you have a salad every day, that can mean 2,800 calories. Kinds of defeats the diet plan doesn’t it?

Most people love potato salad, especially southerners. This is a typical southern recipe substituting the one half cup mayonnaise for an equal amount of sour cream. You really won’t taste the difference.


4 medium russet potatoes cut into small cubes

one fourth cup sweet relish

1 green onion finely chopped

2 tsp salt

1 tbsp celery seed

2 tbsp prepared mustard

One half cup non-fat sour cream

2 hardboiled eggs finely chopped


Put about a quart of water into a large pot and bring the water to a boil for the potato cubes. Put a second sauce pan of water on the stove, place the two eggs in the water and turn heat on and bring to a boil. Once boiling, turn off heat and place a lid on the pot and allow eggs to set in hot water for about 15 minutes. Rinse eggs in cold water to cool. Crack and peel egg and chop. The potatoes should also cook for about 15 minutes but in rapidly simmering water. Drain the potatoes but do not rinse. Put in the fridge for about one half hour to an hour to chill. Fold in the remaining ingredients and chill for at least 4 hours. This is a great recipe to serve at a picnic. You don’t have to worry about the salad spoiling because the sour cream does not spoil when it gets warm. By making this easy substitution that no one will notice, you save a whopping 175 calories per portion. This recipe serves 4. You can double it to serve 8.


Recipes for Buffalo Hot wings call for about equal mixes of melted butter and hot sauce. Most all of the recipes call for a stick of butter. That is a whopping 800 calories. Not only that, it calls for deep fat frying the wings first. This not only adds additional fat grams but seals the chicken fat inside the wings. My recipe eliminates the frying and the butter.

16 wings about 3 lbs

One half cup Kraft Barbecue Sauce

2 tbsp hot sauce mixed in the sauce


Put wings on a sheet pan lined with aluminum foil. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes. (This allows the chicken fat to render off rather than sealing it in with frying. Chicken fat is also 100 calories per tablespoon. Mix the barbecue sauce and the hot sauce thoroughly and brush on the wings. Turn heat up to 450 for 15 minutes to crisp up the wings. Remove when crispy but don’t allow the sauce to burn. This serves 4 as an appetizer. The buffalo wing sauce with the butter is adding another 800 calories or 200 calories per person. The Kraft sauce at 39 calories per 2 tablespoons only adds 39 calories and it tastes just as good, many have claimed that they taste better; definitely not as greasy. Many people have asked me for my recipe because they liked it better. Imagine 161 fewer calories and it tastes better.


1 8 oz fat free cream cheese

1 16 oz box confectioners sugar

1 tsp vanilla extract


Mix slowly at first and gradually increase speed of mixer. Beat until creamy and frost cake

This recipe uses non-fat cream cheese which contains only 224 calories. If you used conventional frosting recipes typically calling for one half cup butter or shortening you are looking at 906 calories for shortening and 814 for butter. Most people like the taste of cream cheese frosting better than conventional icings. If you slice the cake into eight slices, you are looking at over a 100 calories per slice for conventional icing verses 28 calories for the cream cheese icing.

I encourage you to begin to watch calories and look for ways to reduce those calories. The figure that you save is not only your own, but that of your family. I am sure that most of you are just as smart as I am if not more so. Put that imagination and intelligence to work to eat and cook better. If I can do it, so can you.

John Wilder is a marriage, relationship and sexual coach.  He helps people either on the phone or on Yahoo IM.  This enables you to maintain anonymity.  He offers help also by posting informational articles that can help you in your relationships.
He has a degree in Behavioral Science and Bible.  He has additionally attended graduate school for Clinical Psychology and attended Nursing School as well.  He deals holistically with all 3 aspects of our being: mind, body and spirit.
He can also be followed on his blog
you can also contact Mr Wilder on his private email address

Sex And The Bible

February 16, 2010

Most people would be surprised at the amount of biblical commands in the Bible about sex. They would be even more surprised at the number of positive commands regarding our sex lives. God wants us to have a rich full sexual relationship.Unfortunately, most people have the notion that you are not supposed to talk about sex in church. As a former minister of youth, I was castigated by some parents for teaching a high school class on the subject of what the bible defines as sexual sin. I was told: “you are not supposed to talk about sex in church.” I was singularly amazed because the Bible is what sets the standards for our life. It gives us rules for living. It also defines what is and is not sexual sin. These parents were actually mad at me for teaching the Bible in Sunday School to high school students whose hormones were all raging. It was interesting because the pastor’s 16 year old daughter was in on the class with her parent’s knowledge and blessing. I had thought about telling the parents in advance what I was going to teach, but thought better of it for fear that they would yank their kids out of the class that week. I knew enough to be prepared for the attack.


Jesus said in the Bible to: be wise as a serpent and yet harmless as a dove. Mathew 10:16. Following that mandate, I took the precaution of audio taping the class. I did not want there to be unfounded accusations that could not be defended against. Sure enough parents came in “guns blazing” and accusatory. I simply told them before they started castigating me they should take the tape home and listen to it and see what they found that was wrong or inappropriate. Of the three sets of parents who complained, not one of them would take the tape home and listen to it.

These feelings come about from long standing admonitions to little girls who grew up with the words of their parents in their ears, that: “good girls don’t do that”. That is a huge problem among couples today. When girls grow up to be women and it is time to embrace their sexuality, they can’t relax and be uninhibited with their husbands and enjoy their sexuality.

In a previous chapter, I referred to a course taught by a woman named Marabelle Morgan about how to love your husband including sexuality. We had her seminar coming to our church in 1975. Women were to read the book before the seminar took place.

We had some women object to the seminar conference because it contained sexual references as to how a woman is supposed to take care of her husband. This feeling prevails even today in churches. My question is: Do you think that God made a mistake? How about those references in the Bible about sex? Should we tear those out of the Bible? Pastors and Sunday school teachers don’t dare teach or preach on the subject. What happens is invariably you have women going on the attack and using shaming statements if men mention sex, especially in light of the fact that women are not fulfilling their role

Couples fight about the big three: money, sex and kids. The bible is very clear on sexual issues between husband and wife. Because fighting is common over sex, there is a scripturally mandated ministry in Titus 2:4-5 That they (the older women of the church) may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, (how to love including answering sexual questions), to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands that the word of God be not blasphemed. KJV

In essence, the Titus 2 ministry amounts to a school for sex for women in how to love their husbands. It was so imperative that it was explained in the scripture that it was to avoid causing blaspheming the Word of God.

Blasphemed translated from the Greek is blasphemeo. To: insult, slander, curse, speak evil of, reviled, defame, or railed upon.

As mentioned in the chapter on feminists, research shows that fully 60% of women only want sex once a week. Sadly they inflict that schedule on their husbands. This was also common in the biblical times. Now I know that there are exceptions and sometimes it is the wife with a high libido and a husband who does not want it as much. Our purpose is to cover the majority of the people out there. We will consider what the bible says as we are commanded to do in living our lives.

It says in Proverbs5:18-19 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as a loving hind and a pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee At All Times; and be thou Ravished Always with her love.

 Most women feel that they have a perfect right to reject her husband’s sexual overtures any time she feels like it. This is what is taught by the feminists. On the other hand, when is the last time that you ever saw a feminist point anyone to Jesus? Is there any thing in the above passage that you could interpret to get that permission? “ Let her breasts satisfy thee At all times” means when the husband needs it. At all times means just that. It is really not open to interpretation. When the wife disobeys these biblical commands, it sets up a temptation for the husband and it ultimately means that the Word (instruction in the bible) is blasphemed.

The Bible often uses figurative and poetic speech to describe something. “Let thy fountain be blessed” is referring to the man’s penis. It is a wish and an admonition that he be gifted with children and that his wife takes care of him well.

Rejoice with the wife of your youth” is an interesting passage. God understood the sexual urge that he put into mankind. He set it out that under Jewish law, a boy was considered a “man” when he hit age 13, or roughly at the onset of puberty. Once puberty hits, he is full of raging hormones and needs sexual relief often sometimes more than once a day. To avoid sexual sin, adolescents were routinely married between the ages of 13 and 15 thus giving them a legal and moral sexual outlet for their relief. The young couple would then stay with one of the sets of parents until they were able to financially make it on their own.We have trampled on God’s plan and tell our children to wait until their twenties to get married. Is it any wonder that we have so much extra marital sex, unwanted pregnancies, and epidemic sexually transmitted diseases.

Let her be as a loving hind and a pleasant roe.” Again the bible uses figurative language here to compare a woman to a hind and a roe. The animals referred to here are deer and roebucks. In the animal world, mating is often marked with violence. You have heard cats squalling and hissing. The female goes through a lot of aggression and scratching before she submits to mating. Deer are just the opposite. They willingly mate with their bucks. They are probably the most beautiful and graceful animals in the animal kingdom. This is a supreme compliment to a woman to compare her mating with her husband like a female deer mating with her buck. The Bible goes on to reiterate this in comparing her to the roe or roebuck which is a type of mountain sheep, where mating takes place high on mountain cliffs. If the female roebuck does not mate willingly and cooperatively with the buck, then they could easily fall to their deaths from the high mountain cliffs where mating takes place, protected from predators.

Ravished always is a biblical word for not only giving your husband sex, but giving him GREAT SEX. Not just great sex, but again the always is reiterated. Always means always not just when you feel like it. The bible forbids us to be a “stumbling block” in Romans 14:13, Mathew 18:7. A stumbling block is causing someone by your actions or inactions that would cause that person to be tempted to sin. By denying your husband sex, you are a stumbling block to him.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevelolence; and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife doth not have power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, so that Satan tempt you not for your incontinence. I Corinthians 7:3-5

If you read this, there is no way that you can interpret that the wife has a right to say no to her husband. Nevertheless, so many of you do with impunity in defiance of God’s word. The Bible is always equalitarian. Notice too that the husband does not have the right to refuse his wife sexual relations. The only time that sex is supposed to be put on hold is with Mutual Consent by the husband and wife for a brief time of prayer and fasting.

So many women try to relate to their husband’s sexuality through their own. Men’s sexuality is driven by semen build-up. Remember the time when you were pregnant. It is a fact of life that a pregnant woman has to urinate more often because the baby is pressing on your bladder. You can’t help it. Now let us play role reversal here for a minute. Think about your husband feeling the same way as you do, because that is what a man’s sexual drive feels like. He does not have a choice when he needs relief. Let us role play here further. Imagine that you are in a car with him on a long trip and you are pregnant. You say: “honey, can you pull over because I have to go to the bathroom.” Now let us pretend that your husband answers you like so many women answer their husband’s requests for sex: “ What you have to pee again, is that all you can ever think about? Do you have a one track mind? What are you some kind of peeing pervert? I am tired; I don’t feel like pulling over. Leave me alone and quit bugging me. Listen, maybe tomorrow I will pull over and let you pee”. You women would declare war on us if we talked to you that way when you had to pee.

For the most part women want sex once a week. For the most part men want sex 3-5 times a week. Let us compromise and say you give it to him 4 times a week. I can just hear the screams and howls from you women now. ” No Way Am, I Doing It That Often”. The average act takes about 30 minutes start to finish. If you actually gave your husband sex 4 times a week, that would come to two hours. Now out of 168 hours in the week, that represents only slightly more than 1% of your time. I say that if you can’t give your husband 1% of your time to nurture him and love him, your priorities are all wrong. God wants 10% and you can’t give your husband a lousy 1%? This is why most men are not very romantic, they figure, why bother? Most women don’t understand that it is the woman that inspires men to romance by how they treat him. From the time that you were a little girl, you dreamed about Happily Ever After. The problem with that dream is that has always been self-centered. You imagine the prince gazing upon you with rapt attention, but you never understand that the prince has needs that you need to satisfy. I have never heard if a woman thinking about what her responsibilities to fulfilling his happily ever after wants and desires. Because you don’t satisfy them, he stops being romantic.

God in the Old Testament allowed multiple wives and concubines for men to be able to satisfy their generally higher sex drives. God allowed this so that men would not commit adultery. If the first wife turned him down for sex, he had back-up wives and/or concubines to take care of him sexually. In the Old Testament there are 121 references to multiple wives. There are also 39 references to men having concubines to satisfy their sexual desires which God allowed. God even specified laws to protect the wives and the concubines. Then in God’s progressive revelation, He changed it to where there was one man and one woman and it transitioned in Proverbs 31. The heart of the husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31: 11-12. Now many bible translators of newer modern language bibles incorrectly translate the Hebrew word for spoil here as meaning earthly gain. This is incorrect. The old fashioned term spoil comes from the spoils of war. This is where the invading army got to go in and take things from the homes of the killed opposing soldiers. Now it is true that spoil would be acquisition of goods from the houses, but it was also women that God allowed. In the Proverbs 31 passage, it is referring to concubines.

Spoil is both a noun and a verb. Sadad is a verb and the Hebrew word in the Old Testament meaning to: loot, plunder, or take spoils. Once the soldiers took all that they wanted, then they generally destroyed the houses and stuff that they did not want. This is one of the ways that Armies rewarded soldiers to literally risk death and put their lives on the line. The promise was that if they were victorious, they could go in and take rewards from the homes of the dead soldiers. You may have heard the term rape and pillage. This is what happened when the victorious soldiers came into the conquered cities. They would go through the houses and claim the women that they wanted by raping them and taking them captive. Once that was done then they ransacked the houses, taking any goods of value for their own. This act was called pillaging or spoiling.

Sod is a noun in Hebrew. It means what is left after the violence, rape and destruction. It means: desolation, destruction, spoiled, oppression and wasting. There are actually 11 different words in Hebrew for spoil.

One of the main things that they took were the women who were then destined to become secondary wives called concubines with a status only slightly above a slave. When the primary wife refused her husband’s sexual overtures, then it fell to the concubine to satisfy the man’s needs. Interestingly enough, the word for concubine in Hebrew is literally pilages. So in other words, the word pilages was literally transliterated out of the Hebrew and put into the English language equivalent word pillage.

And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goodsBut all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:9,18

But the women and the little ones, and the cattle, and the spoil thereof, shall you take unto yourself, and you shall eat the spoil of your enemies which the Lord your God has given to you. Deuteronomy 20:14

When you go forth to war against your enemies, and the Lord your God has delivered them into your hand and you have taken them captive, And you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you have a desire for her, that you would have her to be your wife; Then you shall bring her home to your house; and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in your house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month; and after that you shall go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be your wife. Deuteronomy 21:10-13

Have they not divided the prey, to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

Well Proverbs 31 is a transition to a having only one wife and no concubines. Here means that he shall have only one. This wife is now obligated to satisfy all of his sexual needs. She honors his trust in her by taking care of him sexually. It reiterates that she shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life. This was a huge transition time. Because the father was expected to take a more active role in rearing his children, he could not do that with multiple children with multiple wives. Transitioning to only one wife then allowed him fewer children to take care of. It also strengthened the family unit. With that in mind, how can you say that denying your husband sexual relations is doing him good?

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23

When a wife gives her husband sex willingly and lovingly and does not deny him, he becomes centered and balanced. He has a feeling of contentedness. This enables him to focus on his business or job and be quite productive which allows him to excel. This excellence gets him promotions, more money and respect of his peers and superiors.

It is further evidenced in the conclusion of Proverbs 31:28 where it states: Her children arise up, and call her blessed: her husband also, and he praises her. Men complain among themselves when their wives don’t take care of their sexual needs. On the other hand, if she does, he literally sings hers praises and tells people how lucky he is to have her. It is this feeling that causes him to do romantic things for her. Women, like it or not, if you want romance, you have to take care of your husband’s needs in such a way that he literally feels inspired to romance you. If you are not taking care of him, believe me, he has no desire or inspiration to romance you, only to resent you for starving him sexually.

This point is illustrated by the following Biblical passage: He (she) who sows sparingly shall also reap sparingly. II Corinthians 9:6 He wants sex, you want romance. Starve him for sex; you will be starved for romance.

Finally, as parents and our parents have done, we have put so much emphasis on “thou shalt not” to daughters, many can’t relax and enjoy their sexuality as the gift that God made it and intended for it. As a coach, this is a common thing that I work with women on. Freeing them from inhibitions to enjoy their sexuality. The bible addresses this issue in part in Hebrews 13:4 where it says: Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; This means that there is nothing that you and your husband can do in bed that is wrong. This also freed the couple from the Old Testament laws of cleanness. For example in the Old Testament couples were forbidden to have sex during a woman’s period. She could not even go into the temple during her period. Also, if the couple had sex the night before temple, they were required to go through ceremonial washing 7 times before they were allowed to go into the temple. They were also required to wash the bed linens as well before going into the temple. So Hebrews 13:4 negated all of those Old Testament laws of cleanness.

You need to relax, enjoy your sexuality and understand that biblically you don’t have the right to say no. If you give it willingly and lovingly I promise that you will see your husband be much more attentive and actually develop some romantic tendencies. Whether or not the relationship succeeds or fails is largely up to you the wife. I will leave you with one last biblical warning: “ Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one plucks it down with her hands.” Proverbs 14:1 The house being referred to here is her husband as in the house of David. We are not talking about actual construction issues. The Bible here is referring to building up your man with praise and respect. It also builds his self esteem when you give him sex willingly and lovingly

Let me give you some surprising biblical passages from the Song of Solomon: A bundle of myrrh is my beloved unto me: he shall lie all night between my breasts. 1:13 I have a slang term for this that I call titty nuzzling. Sometimes when men are hurting and needing comfort, they want to get their face between your breasts, nuzzle, suckle and have you wrap your arms around his head and stroke him and comfort him.

I found him whom my soul loves: I held him and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother’s house. 3:4 You can just imagine this woman wrapping her arm around his arm tightly and pressing her breast against the back of his arm and walking with him.

Your two breasts are like two young does that are twins that feed among the lilies. 4:5 Here her man is admiring her breasts that she has already given to him willingly and lovingly and he is inspired to romance.

Your lips, Oh my spouse, drop as honeycomb; honey and milk are under your tongue; Here again the man is inspired to romance as he is describing how wonderful it is to kiss her what it feels like to get oral sex from her willingly and lovingly given.

This your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree I will take hold of the boughs thereof; now also your breasts shall be as clusters of the vine7:7-8 Again the man is waxing poetic over the physical love and sex he enjoys from his wife. Clearly this woman is not saying no to sex with he husband. He describes how much he enjoys fondling her breasts.

I am my beloved’s and his desire is unto me. 7:10 The woman is glorying in the fact that her husband is faithful and loving to her because of how well she takes care of his sexual needs and feels good about herself, her husband and her marriage and how romantic he is to her. She feels loved cherished and secure, all because of the fact that she willingly and lovingly takes care of his sexual desires.

Try it God’s way for 30 days and you will be amazed at the difference in your marriage and ultimate happiness. Happily Ever After is possible if you follow God’s plan for marriage.

Finally let me once again reiterate to you women, if you want romance, you need to provide inspiration to your man by giving him sex willingly and lovingly when he needs it. You do not ever put him down for his sexuality. Women inspire men to romance and they are also the one’s who kill romance by their own actions. I ask you directly, what are you doing to romance your husband? Answer the question to yourself honestly. If you need to make improvements, make them and reap the benefits. Romance can’t be all one-sided.

For those of you who are Christians and attend church, go to your pastor and ask him why he has not taught or preached on these issues. He is responsible for teaching the whole Bible, not just selectively ignoring issues. Church is the most appropriate place to learn about sex. All you ever hear in church is negatives about sex. This is wrong. We need to be teaching people what a wonderful gift from God that sex is and can be.

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