A Story Of How I Got To Be Me In The Helping Professions

March 30, 2010

     
     
     

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home. I had a cold, distant and alcoholic mother. I had an unbelievably cruel father who enjoyed inflicting pain on my two brother s and me. Some examples: He hit me full force with a punch to my nose, shattering it for the sin of interrupting him when he was talking. He told me to take a bath and go to bed, leaving my broken nose untreated. 3 years later I experienced something that has profoundly changed me for life. My 6 year old brother rebelled in a way that came to haunt us. He went over to his school in the summer with another boy and threw paint all over the school. The police were called and they were caught and brought him home. My father said that he would take care of it. He took him back into the bedroom where he shared with his 3 year old brother, next to my room where I was. He proceeded to beat him with a belt and would not stop. I was convinced that he was going to kill him.

I desperately wanted to stop him. At 12 I was trying to figure out how to stop my father from killing my little brother. I considered that I was not big enough or strong enough to stop him. I thought about my baseball bat. I was plagued with doubts as I tried desperately to figure a way to stop my father while hearing the blood curdling screams of my little brother being savagely beaten. I thought that I could go in and threaten him and he would stop. Then I realized that he would take the bat away from me and use it on me. Then I thought that I could go in and hit him in the head and knock him out. Then I realized he would wake up and beat me with the bat so enraged that he likely would kill me. Then I thought of hitting him in the head so hard that I killed him. The thought of going to jail for life stopped me. In the end I sat in my room in tears and desperately hating myself because I was not big enough or strong enough to stop him. He continued beating my little brother until he exhausted himself. He had to go and sit down in his recliner to rest. After resting for a half hour he went in again and beat on him yet again. I don’t know how my brother survived it and my little brother was terrified at age 3. There were many other beatings in the household.

As I got a little older, I was always picked on by bullies and always cowered because of my father. That incident so filled me with rage that two years later, I got into a fight with a kid who squirted chocolate milk on my white shirt at school. I beat the crap out of him and then had to beat the crap out of another guy right afterwards. Then two days later had to beat the crap out of someone again. It was an awakening for me. No more did I have to tolerate bullies. I told the old man that the beatings were going to stop at home or I would beat him to death and meant it, unafraid. Never again would I fear another man.

I wondered at man’s inhumanity to man. Like all kids who were abused as kids, you grow up bent in one of two different directions; you either grow up to be a bully or you grow up to join the ranks of the helping professions. I decided to get into the helping professions because there was no one there to protect my brothers and myself when we needed it.

I see marriages breaking up, parents fighting in front of kids and terrifying them. Using kids in the parents battle against each other. I want it to stop and I am willing to do whatever I can to stop it and help couples get along and grow and nurture each other. That is my goal as well as my dream. Please help me to spread the word.

I offer a money back guarantee and a half hour free consultation.  Email me and I will call you and set up a phone appt to help.  I can help with kids, your sex life or your relationship.  You have absolute anonymity with me.  I want to help and I am good at it.


Men Do Better At Making Love With Your Wife

March 29, 2010

I am a marriage, relationship and sexual coach.  In talking to my women clients, I am surprised at how many of you are lousy in bed.  The amount of sexual ignorance out there is staggering.  When you consider that there is no school for sex out there, I guess I can understand.

Men, what surprises me is that sex feels so good, so I don’t understand why you want to rush  it.  Women are tired of the wham bam, thank you maam version of sex.  Sex feels good, slow down and take your time.  You want your women to talk dirty in bed, you have to get them sufficiently aroused to be motivated to talk dirty in bed with you.

You know what a woman’s favorite 4 letter word is, it is time.  Time to give them the foreplay that they need to become sufficiently aroused to have an orgasm.  Too often you guys get off and leave your wife unsatisfied and frustrated while you turn over and go to sleep.  How would you feel if she got off quickly and turned over and left you unsatisfied?

I can help you with that.  I am coming out with a book entitled; STOP HAVING LOUSY SEX.  You can drop me an email at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com and I can help you become a hero in the bedroom.  Imagine your wife bragging on how good you are in the bedroom instead of complaining to her girlfriends about how lousy you are in the bedroom.

I will even give you a half hour session for free.  Think about it


How To Romance a Woman

March 27, 2010

                              How To Romance a Woman

     In my practice, the number one complaint I get is how lousy you guys are in the sack.  The number two complaint is how lousy you are at romancing a woman.  I am going to give you some tips for romancing a woman.

     You need to practice the art of the date after you two settle down.  A woman begins to feel taken for granted when you don’t romance her any more or take her out for some fun on the town.  She does a lot of what you want her to do and watches the movies that you want to watch.  You need to treat her and her interests with respect.  Tell her you are going to take her out on the town to a nice restaurant, then to a club or an upscale bar where they have a band and actual dancing.  Before you go though, make sure to send her some flowers the day of.  Preferably at her place of work.  You get double brownie points for sending them to her where she works so that all of the women can ooh and aah and be jealous of her.  You might also consider sending her a box of expensive chocolates like Godiva Chocolates.

     You need to get dressed up for this, putting on a suit or sports jacket and tie.  Preferably something bought new for the occasion.

Slow dance with your wife.  Make her feel like she still has it.  Or take her to a symphony.  Nothing would make her feel more pampered and special than to take her to a symphony orchestra performance.  She will feel elegant and pampered.  You might even like it.  There is nothing like the majesty and pomp of observing and hearing a live symphony orchestra playing in a good concert hall.  Even if you hate it, remark positively about it, and she will love the experience and love you for taking her there.

     As the evening is drawing to a close, take her to any body of water in a secluded place and make out with her.  Have an extended session.  Go down on her and get her off several times without her having to do anything for you in return.  Believe me, when she gets you home, she will be ripping your clothes off for some hot sex.  Be sure to hold her and kiss her and cuddle her afterwards and bask in the afterglow of a great evening.  Trust me, you will have refilled your love bank for a while.  She will be gushing about it to all of her girlfriends and relatives.  You will be the hero and her knight in shining armour for a long time.


Advanced Sexual Foreplay Techniques For Men

March 26, 2010

Get “her” done. That is the modus operandi for far too many guys in the bedroom. Unfortunately, what is really means is get “it” done. Far too many of you don’t bother or worry about getting “her” done. This is because you don’t take the time to give her adequate foreplay time to achieve a maximum level of arousal. If you follow my suggestions, she will BRAG on you to all of her women friends and relatives. You will achieve a new found level of respect.

You can take my techniques and add your own. These suggestions are just designed to stir your imagination.

You have to stop just thinking about getting yourself off, and decide that you want to follow the James Bond model of manhood insofar as spoiling women and pampering them. Women want to feel loved and cherished.  Far too many women feel like they just got laid with no caring about her needs.  Here is something to think about guys, a woman’s favorite four letter word in bed is TIME.  Time to get her adequately aroused so that she can climax as well. 

You can try by brushing her hair. Women love to have their hair brushed. Then progress to giving her a total body massage. Be sure to do her whole body from head to foot. Pay particular attention to her butt. She has nerve endings there that she does not even know that she has, all connected to her vagina. Also pay attention to her feet. All of her nerve endings come together in her feet.

Next, undress her SLOWLY. Let the anticipation build. She will enjoy being undressed by you. Don’t take off her bra and panties though. Leave them on. Now start kissing her and caressing her all over avoiding her breasts and pussy. Stroke her hair, caress all around the erogenous zones.

Now start lightly stroking her nipples through her bra while continuing to kiss her. Stroke your finger just inside the cup and stroke all around. Then take off the bra slowly and start licking her breasts all over and then gently start sucking on them, gradually increasing the pressure as she is comfortable. Then, start kissing down her belly and stroking her lightly with your fingertips. Kiss and stroke down her belly past her vagina and do all the way down her thighs and calves. Come back the other side all the way back to her vagina. Remember her panties are still on. Put your mouth over her vagina and blow hot breath through her panties over her clitoris. Then insert a finger inside the leg band of her panties and stroke all around without touching her pussy. It will drive her wild.  Do the same with the other legband of her panties.  You want to come close without actually touching her vagina.

Next, insert your finger inside the leg band of her panties and pull the crotch away to the side.This is reminiscent of high school times where a girl would let you play with her but not take her panties off. Start licking between her labia up an down. When you get to the top of her vagina , you give her clitoris a quick lick and go back to licking between her labia. Then insert your tongue inside of her vagina. Stroke it in and out. She will be moaning and giving you encouragement at this point. You then begin licking her clitoris. Here is where you can really become a hero in the bedroom. You can gentle pull back the hood of her clitoris and lick the clitoris directly. You can then suck the clitoris between your lips and begin to suck on it like a woman performing fellatio on a man. The clitoris will actually become hard like a male penis and achieve an erection. You can give her an orgasm by giving her clitoris a blow job.

You can also use what I call the “machine gun tongue” technique. This is where you lick her clitoris with lightening fast motions to bring her to additional orgasms. You can do this by flexing your tongue against your upper lip and flick your tongue past it. By flexing your tongue against your upper you can actually flick your tongue faster for your partner’s pleasure.   Remember guys it is ladies first for orgasms.  The longer you give her foreplay and orgasms, the higher she will be on making love with you whenever you want it.

Finally there is one more thing that you can do for fantastic foreplay. After having given your honey numerous orgasms, she will be begging you to take her. You can give her a real thrill. Hook your hand in the waist band of those panties and give one hard rip and literally rip her panties off. This will simultaneously scare her and excite her. Every woman has a secret rape fantasy. She does not really want to be raped but she wants to be taken forcefully and roughly by a strong, self confident man. The key to using this fantasy, is that you want to make sure that she is highly aroused.


An Example of A Coaching Session Done Online

March 25, 2010

I read this post on the blog site and proceeded to coach the author of this blog on how to get along better with her man.  It illustrates the differences between coaching and counseling.  Coaching is a hands on technique whereas counseling just talks a lot about feelings, how did that make you feel etc.  Counsling has a horrible 75% failure rate.  Coaching has a 75% success rate.  I will let you determine how effective coaching is for yourselves

I want one thing. ONE thing. It is not that hard to give, once you adjust. It is easy to receive. So why the fuck can’t I find it anywhere?  

Communication. Understanding. Time. Transparency. They all add up to intimacy, which is exactly what I’m after.  

Here’s what I keep getting instead: sex (lots of it), need (too much of that), and immaturity (’nuff said). I’m not surprised to find those things in my husband anymore. But I’m still somehow shocked when I meet them in other men.  

I realize that what I seek is not something people just hand over. No one could be more aware that intimacy is something that’s developed over time. It takes some nurturing to bring to fruition. But to my way of thinking, this is one investment that actually does reap huge rewards.  

So if I spend some time forming a well-thought out note, don’t acknowledge it with one line because it’s too deep. And if I proposition you – with something very hot and very serious – don’t be coy. In fact, here are two words that should never be in the same sentence: “coy” and “man.”  

Intimacy can only be achieved through communication. Intimate communication – the kind that comes from conversation. You have to listen and then talk. Not so hard.  

You cannot text, email – or even blog – your way to intimacy. Any expert will tell you those things are, in fact, the first to kill it. You can’t let fear stop you from being transparent. You can’t hide behind your computer and expect the guy of your dreams to just show up. You can’t not put yourself out there.  

I know all of these things. I work damn hard at making myself say what I feel, even when it’s uncomfortable. No, especially when it’s uncomfortable. Because if I trust him enough to share my body, then I have to be able to trust him with my thoughts.  

And men who truly appreciate that, who understand the difficulty and the intensity – who aren’t afraid of it – they are an endangered species. I’ve been blessed to know two in my lifetime, Mr. Davidson and The Chief (more about him later).  

They both not only acknowledged my effort at articulating what I think or feel, but returned the favor ten-fold. They inherently knew this was the only path, no matter how scary. Perhaps most important, they trusted me with certain parts of themselves.  

And I didn’t know it until just now, but that is precisely what is so frustrating to me at this moment. That I can trust him with certain parts of me. But he can’t do the same. And maybe I’m just being unfair

marriagecoach1  

I am not saying that this is true in you and your marriage, but I get a lot in my practice the complaint from men that there wives don’t make it safe for them to be truthful with them.  

By that I mean that husbands learn early and well that if they say anything that can be remotely construed as negative about the wife, the wife goes on full scale attack and must teach the man to never ever do that again. Too many men learn the lesson well. The problem is that he seethes inside and it effeictively cuts off communication. It is for this reason that men don’t open up with their wives.  

Women mistakenly believe that men don’t have feelings because they don’t show them. Men are very sensitive creatures who need nurturing and intimacy as well. When the world beats him up you need to cuddle his face to your boobs and let him seek comfort there. Women need to be able to listen without becoming defensive and offensive. Here him out, even if it is something that you don’t want to hear about yourself.  

Here is what I suggest to you for your husband, ask him to tell you truthfully and that you promise not to get mad at him, if there is anything that you are doing to impede his opening up and being conversationally intimate with you. Ask him how you could be a better wife to him? Tell him that you really want to know and DON’T BLOW IT AND GET ANGRY IF HE OPENS UP OR HE WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!  

I predict that you would get the intimacy that you seek if you are willing to follow this advice. I know that you did not ask for it, and it is free so do with it what you will. Best Wishes John Wilder  

Reply

 

ed  

john, thank you for such great insights into problematic marriages. though i’ve never been married, i can relate to what you’re saying. i also wonder if men have difficulty communicating pain and isolation without blaming the woman entirely, which, when that happens, elicits a typical reaction from the woman to attack — or defend herself in her mind. communicating pain is very difficult to do without hurting someone else, seems to me, for both men and women, but especially for men. i guess that’s why people like you are around to nurture that communication.  

Reply

 

    marriagecoach1  

    Let us put the shoe on the other foot. Suppose the wife wanted to communicate to her husband that he had caused her pain and he blew up at her ranting and putting her down for confronting him. How likely would she do it again? How would she feel if she discovered his blog where he was belitttling her publicly? Men’s number one need is respect and it is the thing that he gets the least in this society that is reeking with misandry (reverse sexism by women towards men) I suspect if she started showing him respect and admiration rather than disdain, he would live up to that respect. Just saying, but your point is well taken.  

 

thinkingtoohard13  

Suppose the wife does communicate that pain, and suppose the husband does rant and put her down. Is her blog okay then?
I agree that our society reeks of misandry. It makes me sick, actually. As the mother of two boys, I agree wholeheartedly that men need respect and admiration. I would take it a step further and say that both men and women thrive on it. But shouldn’t people have to earn it?
I mean, why do women have to gush over men BEFORE the men have done anything worthy of it? I think that’s a legitimate question. Enlighten me, please.  

marriagecoach1  

Of course it does not make it okay. I teach couples to listen patiently to each other particularly when the comments are negative about you. Wouldn’t it be better to know that you are causing offense and try and resolve it rather than shut someone up and insult them for bringing it up? People tend to get defensive and fire back and go on the attack. Really, it shows confidence in the relationship that the partner would trust you enough to bring up something that bothers them about you.  

I will admit, that often men are lagging behind women in emotional maturity. The way to improve someone’s behavior and attitude is to catch them doing something good and offering them praise and positive feedback,. It workds far better that attacking and put downs.  

The fact of life is that men tend to be reactive rather than proactive in relationships. Women get what they put out there. About 30 years ago, there was a woman by the name of Marabelle Morgan that had a best selling book and seminar called the Total Woman. It is now out of print, but she said that women need to give their husbands sex, and admiration and they would get all of their needs met. It was wildly successful and marriages were save or improved. The feminsts killed it because they attacked a suggestion in her book that women initiatiate sex with their husbands once in a while and suggested that she meet him at the door wrapped in saran wrap. They even did a movie about it called The Stepford Wives. Dr. Laura has picked up the mantle with her books about the care and feeding of husbands suggesting the same things. Women don’t have to understand or approve it, but if they do it, it is amazing in the turnaround in their husbands. Men tend to live up to or down to their wives characterizations of them.  

Best Wishes
John Wilder  

Reply

 

    thinkingtoohard13  

    I’ve said this before, but just for emphasis: I’m a raging feminist bitch, but I’m still a firm believer in the care and feeding of men. My only point is that they won’t get a thing from me if they act like idiots. I can totally get behind the idea of offering sex, admiration, praise. But not if the man I’m dealing with is emotionally disconnected. You can only offer up a loot of warm and fuzzy feelings so many times before the repeated response (rejection) makes you think twice about doing it again.  

 

marriagecoach1  

All I can tell you is to tone down the raging feminist bitch. Imagine if you will comparing you to a dog ( no insult intended, just for comparison) and you are full of love and you lick your master’s hand at one point and you then later turn into a snarling growling biting dog. The cycle repeats, they guy will not extend himself and be open and vulnerable. You have to provide a safe environment for him to be open and vulnerable. Men are very protective of their feelings because so many times women have used them against us. We all have feelings but protect them fiercely and don’t provide a window easily. You can hate this, but it is a fact of life. You either learn to adapt or continue to be frustrated and angry. I understand your frustration and even empathize with it. I am not against you, I am just trying to give you a glimpse inside men’s minds becuase you and I are not connected and I have nothing to lose to share with you.  

Best wishes
John  

Reply

 

 

marriagecoach1  

Here is a thought for you, men protect their feelings even more than they protect their balls, does that explain it better for you? Now I am sure that he trusts you with his balls, now all you have to do is to make it safe enough for him to share his feelings. You can’t do that and also be a raging feminist bitch choose which one you want more.  

Reply

marriagecoach1  

Well I am glad that you liked itl, I was afraid that you would be offended.  

Seriously as a guy speaking for guys everywhere after hundreds of conversations, no you can’t do both. Every feminst that I have ever run across has serious anger issues and are not pleasant to be around for a guy.
Your own life proves that it does not work. I say if you try it my way for a month, you might be surprised at what you get. But it is just advice that you can take or leave as you see fit. I am trying to help you get what you want. By your own statement, it is not your husband but other guys as well. The common denominator is you. You are guilty of sexism by lumping all guys together and dismissing us all, Like I said, misandry.
Best Wishes
John  

Reply

 


How To Get a Woman To Like You

March 24, 2010

This is a perennial question that bugs both boys and men for centuries. Women obviously don’t think like men so men try and figure them out. I am here to help you out.

The very first thing that women like is strong self confident men. Even if you are not strong or self confident, you must act like it and fake it til you make it. I am not saying lie, but you need to act more self confident. Pretty soon you are feeling more self confident. One of the things that will help your self confidence is taking karate. It engenders more self confidence plus strength, plus being able to protect the woman that you care about. This self confidence projects itself to potential bullies. When you show no fear because you know that you can take him out, guys read that in your eyes and will back down.

Women like gentlemen with manners, opening the door for the woman, giving her your jacket when she is cold, going to get the car when it is raining and picking her up at the door.

Learning to talk with confidence to a woman. The best way to do that is to take control of the conversation by constantly asking her questions like:

Where do you hope to be in five years, what do you like to do for fun, what are your career goals. Just keep asking questions which will make you appear very calm and self confident. The woman has to do most of the talking taking the pressure off of you. By asking her questions, you show her that you are interested in her.

Take the lead and plan fun dates. These dates should involve walking and talking. Sitting in a movie theatre does little for conversation. Take her to outdoor art shows, air shows, county or state fairs, car shows, flea markets, farmers markets, bowling, shopping at the mall. The main thing that it should make for easy conversation. For a home run, enroll both of you in a single cooking class together. The other thing is to learn to cook some great dishes and cook for her. Nothing makes a woman feel pampered than when a guy cooks for her.

Give her a sincere compliment not related to her figure. Tell her that she has beautiful eyes or pretty hair. Compliment her scent or perfume.

Compliment what she is wearing and tell her that you really admire her sense of style.

Once she is ready to take it to the next level, you need to be prepared to be good in bed. Study articles on foreplay techniques. Take your time and don’t rush it. You can see some articles that I have written online by googling my email address marriagecoach1@yahoo.com on the subject of sex and how to be a hero in the bedroom. Go out there and use this stuff. You can contact me for a half hour free consultation.


Great Inexpensive Second Date Ideas Or Married Date Ideas

March 23, 2010

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home. I had a cold, distant and alcoholic mother. I had an unbelievably cruel father who enjoyed inflicting pain on my two brother s and me. Some examples: He hit me full force with a punch to my nose, shattering it for the sin of interrupting him when he was talking. He told me to take a bath and go to bed, leaving my broken nose untreated. 3 years later I experienced something that has profoundly changed me for life. My 6 year old brother rebelled in a way that came to haunt us. He went over to his school in the summer with another boy and threw paint all over the school. The police were called and they were caught and brought him home. My father said that he would take care of it. He took him back into the bedroom where he shared with his 3 year old brother, next to my room where I was. He proceeded to beat him with a belt and would not stop. I was convinced that he was going to kill him.

I desperately wanted to stop him. At 12 I was trying to figure out how to stop my father from killing my little brother. I considered that I was not big enough or strong enough to stop him. I thought about my baseball bat. I was plagued with doubts as I tried desperately to figure a way to stop my father while hearing the blood curdling screams of my little brother being savagely beaten. I thought that I could go in and threaten him and he would stop. Then I realized that he would take the bat away from me and use it on me. Then I thought that I could go in and hit him in the head and knock him out. Then I realized he would wake up and beat me with the bat so enraged that he likely would kill me. Then I thought of hitting him in the head so hard that I killed him. The thought of going to jail for life stopped me. In the end I sat in my room in tears and desperately hating myself because I was not big enough or strong enough to stop him. He continued beating my little brother until he exhausted himself. He had to go and sit down in his recliner to rest. After resting for a half hour he went in again and beat on him yet again. I don’t know how my brother survived it and my little brother was terrified at age 3. There were many other beatings in the household.

As I got a little older, I was always picked on by bullies and always cowered because of my father. That incident so filled me with rage that two years later, I got into a fight with a kid who squirted chocolate milk on my white shirt at school. I beat the crap out of him and then had to beat the crap out of another guy right afterwards. Then two days later had to beat the crap out of someone again. It was an awakening for me. No more did I have to tolerate bullies. I told the old man that the beatings were going to stop at home or I would beat him to death and meant it, unafraid. Never again would I fear another man.

I wondered at man’s inhumanity to man. Like all kids who were abused as kids, you grow up bent in one of two different directions; you either grow up to be a bully or you grow up to join the ranks of the helping professions. I decided to get into the helping professions because there was no one there to protect my brothers and myself when we needed it.

I see marriages breaking up, parents fighting in front of kids and terrifying them. Using kids in the parents battle against each other. I want it to stop and I am willing to do whatever I can to stop it and help couples get along and grow and nurture each other. That is my goal as well as my dream. Please help me to spread the word.

I offer a money back guarantee and a half hour free consultation. Email me and I will call you and set up a phone appt to help. I can help with kids, your sex life or your relationship. You have absolute anonymity with me. I want to help and I am good at it.


Here Is Another Relationship Site I Recommend

March 22, 2010

This couple is doing a great job on their blog, I recommend that people visit their site regularly.  Best Wishes

John Wilder

Intimate Conversations

{ March 21, 2010 @ 5:35 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , }

I am only 23 and have been married for 2 ½ years. With that being said, Red flag #3- Lack of sexual desire (see previous post for Red Flag #1 and #2) is not one of my problems, although I have heard many people say “You just wait.” One thing I have learned through reading, listening, and observing, I have come to the conclusion that through the ups and downs of life we have forgotten how to desire our spouses. A book I am reading called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, gives an example of a couple who has been on the outs for years. The wife states in his book that she won’t meet her husband’s needs because he has not met hers.  As I talked to my husband about this he stated, “How selfish is she?” Nate felt that if she would be more concerned about his needs than her own, then she would be getting the fulfillment she was asking for.

I think about it this way, even if she was “meeting his needs” how was she meeting them? What I am getting at is if she is just laying there and not fully participating, what is he really getting out of that intimacy? Nothing. We all know that most men’s #1 need is sexual intimacy; however, some women think that just allowing their husbands to use them is satisfying enough. What they are missing is that the whole intimacy act is much more than just going through the motions. Just as women want their men to participate in conversations why would participating in the act of sex with our husbands be any different?

My other point to ponder is how is withholding sex helping the conversation? Most men are not that great at communicating to women in general. Referring back to “Proverbs 31: 11-12” Blog, I discussed that men only share their intimate details with their wives. If we have shattered that trust then they will hesitate on sharing with us. Participating in sex reinforces that trust, because as Shaunti Feldahn talks about in her book “For Women Only” that having an intimate life with your husband makes him feel like he can concur the world and give him the confidence he needs to feel like he can open up to you. Back to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs couple, the wife felt the Lord had spoke to her about meeting her husband’s needs first. When she did, she reported she could not get her husband to shut up. I do not know what caused their relationship to spiral in the first place but by her meeting his needs I assume she created that security he was needing to feel like he could open up to her.  

Men need and want to feel desired just as women need and want to be desired. In fact, is that not what “Chick-Flick” movies are based on? The women in those movies are chased after, fought for, and cherished. I have often wondered if one of the reasons why some men do not like to watch chick flicks is because when we as women watch them, we build these underlying expectations for the men in our lives to meet. Even though it is just a movie, we hope and dream for those guys to show up. When they fail us our actions speak louder than our words. Especially when we with hold the one thing that makes them feel like they are the top dog.

The bottom line goes back to what Nate stated in the beginning, if we focused more on each others’ needs then our needs will be met. If they are not being met, then find the gentlest words you can find and try talking through those issues.  And always remember Luke 6: 31 states “Do to others as you want them to do to you.”

Thanks,

 Amanda and Nate Cadwell

PS. Check out Nate’s Blog at natecadwell.wordpress.com and don’t forget to live me you thoughts.


Having Sex On Your Period and Getting Over Your Inhibitions About It

March 21, 2010

Now I know that many of you would never consider having sex during your period. There is no medical reason not to have sex during your period. There is no moral reason not to have sex during your period either. Sex during your period in Old Testament times was forbidden due to the Jewish law of cleanness. This was done away with in the New Testament. About the only time to avoid sex during your period is during the first day at the heaviest flow rate. I have had sex during my wife’s periods for years. You simply lay a towel on the bed to catch any blood drips. It is only a little messier than conventional sex. In fact there is good reason to have sex during your period and before your period is because climaxes for you will naturally relieve period cramps. You can insert a tampon and have your husband give you oral sex to achieve your climax or use our Power Tool Vibrator. Not only will it relieve period cramps, but due to the endorphins released in your brain, it will be a great cure for your moodiness and crabbiness and PMS.


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March 20, 2010

Project Happily Ever After

 

What’s Stopping You From Saving Your Marriage?

Posted: 18 Mar 2010 06:03 PM PDT

Does this look scary? That's why you can't save your marriage. Does this look scary? That’s why you can’t save your marriage. 

I get a lot of emails that go something like this:

My husband is condescending, annoying and downright mean. He hates me. He complains about everything that I do. I work my butt off trying to make him happy and I never get a thank you. The only time he ever remotely smiles at me is when he wants to have sex. And I am no longer attracted to him. I don’t know if I ever was. My marriage is dead. I hate my in-laws. I don’t know why I ever married him. We have nothing in common. He is mean to my friends. He’s a terrible father. I’ve tried everything and nothing ever changes. Help!

If I write back and say, “It sounds like your marriage might be broken. Maybe it’s time to consider divorce,” I usually get back something like this, “Oh, he’s not so bad. Things are okay.”

Are you confused? I certainly was for a long time.

And then I thought back to my own marital problems. When things were at their worst, I would go out to dinner with friends. They’d ask me about Mark. I’d rant and rant and rant. I would say that my marriage was dead. I would say all sorts of things about his character. Oh, I had a good, long, satisfying rant.

But if someone asked anything to the effect of, “Why don’t you leave him?” I would back off pretty quickly.

Why? Because the misery I knew was less scary than what I didn’t know, and what I didn’t know was this:

 

1) Could my life become even worse if I left him?

 

2) Could my marriage become even worse if I tried to improve it?

The first one is self-explanatory, yes? (No?) The second one? Not so much, even though most of us are guilty of succumbing to that second fear quite often. For instance, how many times have you read a piece of marital advice—either here or elsewhere—and thought, “I can’t do THAT. If I did that, _____ would happen”?

For example:

  • I can’t go over my grudge list with my husband or we’ll get in a big huge fight and I’ll end up throwing a wine glass in his face.
  • I can’t give my wife a compliment. She’ll just say something snotty in return.
  • I can’t have sex with my husband. It will be torture. I just know it.
  • I can’t tell my husband what I’m thinking. He’ll just ignore me anyway.

These are all examples of what psychologists call mind reading and fortune-telling. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t go to school for either of those. I can’t read minds and I can’t see into the future.

Chances are, you probably can’t either.

Which means that all of those excuses for not saving your marriage come down to one thing: fear of the unknown.

 

 

Let me tell you something that I learned from fixing my marriage:

 

Fear is almost always worse than reality.

As Seth Godin so aptly put it in a recent post: Anxiety is nothing but re-experiencing failure in advance. What a waste.

In other words, what we imagine we will experience is usually much scarier than what we actually will experience if we face our fear. If you keep a journal, you will be able to prove this to yourself. Jot down what you are afraid to do and why. Rank your fear on a misery scale of 1 to 10. Then do it. No matter what transpires—good or bad—rank how you feel about the end result on the same misery scale. See which is worse—the misery you thought you would experience or the misery you actually did experience.

 

 

Let me tell you something I learned from my Karma Project:

 

The vast majority of people are inherently good, and that includes your spouse.

You only perceive them as bad because you can’t empathize with their suffering and why they make the choices they do. Most people act in hurtful ways for one of four reasons:

  1. Conditioning. This is what they learned from their parents. It’s the only way they know.
  2. Ignorance. They don’t know that they are being hurtful.
  3. Fear. They are afraid of the opposite behavior. (In other words, “If I’m nice, people will think I’m a doormat.)
  4. It’s the only thing they know. No one ever taught them an alternative, and this behavior has gotten them what they’ve wanted in the past.

Note that “because they enjoy watching you suffer” is not one of those reasons. Again, you can prove this to yourself. Before each and every interaction, tell yourself, “All people are inherently good. All people want to do good.” Then treat people as if you thought they were as good as Mother Teresa or some other Saint of your choosing. See what happens. I think you’ll be surprised. (Note: Serial killers might be an exception to this rule).

Now, let me tell you one more thing about fear of failure:

Doing nothing is worse than trying something and failing.

Some of the things that you try to improve your marriage will not work. But that’s okay! At least now you know what doesn’t work! Think of marriage improvement as a science experiment. You are trying different hypotheses and testing to see if they have validity. Some won’t. Some will. But the only way you can see what works is to try something, anything, and everything. If you do nothing, your marriage will continue to be miserable or it will get worse. That’s a given. If you do something, your marriage might improve.

So pick something to try, either from one of my past posts, from a book or from another marriage improvement site. Tell a friend that you are going to try it (to keep yourself accountable). Pretend you are on a roller coaster with the harness locked over your body and after it has pulled from the gate. Your plan is already in motion. You can’t get off. Take a deep breath and take your marriage for a ride.

 

What are you afraid of? What have you thought of trying, but come up with an excuse for not trying? Why have you chickened out of marital improvement? Do you think I’m full of compost? Can you come up with a good reason for not trying? Leave a comment.

 

 

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Project Happily Ever After: Relationship Rules Download your copy of Project Happily Ever After: Relationship Rules.

In this free e-book, you’ll learn some of the strategies I used to turn my Mr. Good for Nothing into my Mr. Good for Something, including ten Relationship Rules.

 

 


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