This couple is doing a great job on their blog, I recommend that people visit their site regularly. Best Wishes
I am only 23 and have been married for 2 ½ years. With that being said, Red flag #3- Lack of sexual desire (see previous post for Red Flag #1 and #2) is not one of my problems, although I have heard many people say “You just wait.” One thing I have learned through reading, listening, and observing, I have come to the conclusion that through the ups and downs of life we have forgotten how to desire our spouses. A book I am reading called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, gives an example of a couple who has been on the outs for years. The wife states in his book that she won’t meet her husband’s needs because he has not met hers. As I talked to my husband about this he stated, “How selfish is she?” Nate felt that if she would be more concerned about his needs than her own, then she would be getting the fulfillment she was asking for.
I think about it this way, even if she was “meeting his needs” how was she meeting them? What I am getting at is if she is just laying there and not fully participating, what is he really getting out of that intimacy? Nothing. We all know that most men’s #1 need is sexual intimacy; however, some women think that just allowing their husbands to use them is satisfying enough. What they are missing is that the whole intimacy act is much more than just going through the motions. Just as women want their men to participate in conversations why would participating in the act of sex with our husbands be any different?
My other point to ponder is how is withholding sex helping the conversation? Most men are not that great at communicating to women in general. Referring back to “Proverbs 31: 11-12” Blog, I discussed that men only share their intimate details with their wives. If we have shattered that trust then they will hesitate on sharing with us. Participating in sex reinforces that trust, because as Shaunti Feldahn talks about in her book “For Women Only” that having an intimate life with your husband makes him feel like he can concur the world and give him the confidence he needs to feel like he can open up to you. Back to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs couple, the wife felt the Lord had spoke to her about meeting her husband’s needs first. When she did, she reported she could not get her husband to shut up. I do not know what caused their relationship to spiral in the first place but by her meeting his needs I assume she created that security he was needing to feel like he could open up to her.
Men need and want to feel desired just as women need and want to be desired. In fact, is that not what “Chick-Flick” movies are based on? The women in those movies are chased after, fought for, and cherished. I have often wondered if one of the reasons why some men do not like to watch chick flicks is because when we as women watch them, we build these underlying expectations for the men in our lives to meet. Even though it is just a movie, we hope and dream for those guys to show up. When they fail us our actions speak louder than our words. Especially when we with hold the one thing that makes them feel like they are the top dog.
The bottom line goes back to what Nate stated in the beginning, if we focused more on each others’ needs then our needs will be met. If they are not being met, then find the gentlest words you can find and try talking through those issues. And always remember Luke 6: 31 states “Do to others as you want them to do to you.”
Amanda and Nate Cadwell
PS. Check out Nate’s Blog at natecadwell.wordpress.com and don’t forget to live me you thoughts.