An Example of A Coaching Session Done Online

I read this post on the blog site and proceeded to coach the author of this blog on how to get along better with her man.  It illustrates the differences between coaching and counseling.  Coaching is a hands on technique whereas counseling just talks a lot about feelings, how did that make you feel etc.  Counsling has a horrible 75% failure rate.  Coaching has a 75% success rate.  I will let you determine how effective coaching is for yourselves

I want one thing. ONE thing. It is not that hard to give, once you adjust. It is easy to receive. So why the fuck can’t I find it anywhere?  

Communication. Understanding. Time. Transparency. They all add up to intimacy, which is exactly what I’m after.  

Here’s what I keep getting instead: sex (lots of it), need (too much of that), and immaturity (’nuff said). I’m not surprised to find those things in my husband anymore. But I’m still somehow shocked when I meet them in other men.  

I realize that what I seek is not something people just hand over. No one could be more aware that intimacy is something that’s developed over time. It takes some nurturing to bring to fruition. But to my way of thinking, this is one investment that actually does reap huge rewards.  

So if I spend some time forming a well-thought out note, don’t acknowledge it with one line because it’s too deep. And if I proposition you – with something very hot and very serious – don’t be coy. In fact, here are two words that should never be in the same sentence: “coy” and “man.”  

Intimacy can only be achieved through communication. Intimate communication – the kind that comes from conversation. You have to listen and then talk. Not so hard.  

You cannot text, email – or even blog – your way to intimacy. Any expert will tell you those things are, in fact, the first to kill it. You can’t let fear stop you from being transparent. You can’t hide behind your computer and expect the guy of your dreams to just show up. You can’t not put yourself out there.  

I know all of these things. I work damn hard at making myself say what I feel, even when it’s uncomfortable. No, especially when it’s uncomfortable. Because if I trust him enough to share my body, then I have to be able to trust him with my thoughts.  

And men who truly appreciate that, who understand the difficulty and the intensity – who aren’t afraid of it – they are an endangered species. I’ve been blessed to know two in my lifetime, Mr. Davidson and The Chief (more about him later).  

They both not only acknowledged my effort at articulating what I think or feel, but returned the favor ten-fold. They inherently knew this was the only path, no matter how scary. Perhaps most important, they trusted me with certain parts of themselves.  

And I didn’t know it until just now, but that is precisely what is so frustrating to me at this moment. That I can trust him with certain parts of me. But he can’t do the same. And maybe I’m just being unfair

marriagecoach1  

I am not saying that this is true in you and your marriage, but I get a lot in my practice the complaint from men that there wives don’t make it safe for them to be truthful with them.  

By that I mean that husbands learn early and well that if they say anything that can be remotely construed as negative about the wife, the wife goes on full scale attack and must teach the man to never ever do that again. Too many men learn the lesson well. The problem is that he seethes inside and it effeictively cuts off communication. It is for this reason that men don’t open up with their wives.  

Women mistakenly believe that men don’t have feelings because they don’t show them. Men are very sensitive creatures who need nurturing and intimacy as well. When the world beats him up you need to cuddle his face to your boobs and let him seek comfort there. Women need to be able to listen without becoming defensive and offensive. Here him out, even if it is something that you don’t want to hear about yourself.  

Here is what I suggest to you for your husband, ask him to tell you truthfully and that you promise not to get mad at him, if there is anything that you are doing to impede his opening up and being conversationally intimate with you. Ask him how you could be a better wife to him? Tell him that you really want to know and DON’T BLOW IT AND GET ANGRY IF HE OPENS UP OR HE WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!  

I predict that you would get the intimacy that you seek if you are willing to follow this advice. I know that you did not ask for it, and it is free so do with it what you will. Best Wishes John Wilder  

Reply

 

ed  

john, thank you for such great insights into problematic marriages. though i’ve never been married, i can relate to what you’re saying. i also wonder if men have difficulty communicating pain and isolation without blaming the woman entirely, which, when that happens, elicits a typical reaction from the woman to attack — or defend herself in her mind. communicating pain is very difficult to do without hurting someone else, seems to me, for both men and women, but especially for men. i guess that’s why people like you are around to nurture that communication.  

Reply

 

    marriagecoach1  

    Let us put the shoe on the other foot. Suppose the wife wanted to communicate to her husband that he had caused her pain and he blew up at her ranting and putting her down for confronting him. How likely would she do it again? How would she feel if she discovered his blog where he was belitttling her publicly? Men’s number one need is respect and it is the thing that he gets the least in this society that is reeking with misandry (reverse sexism by women towards men) I suspect if she started showing him respect and admiration rather than disdain, he would live up to that respect. Just saying, but your point is well taken.  

 

thinkingtoohard13  

Suppose the wife does communicate that pain, and suppose the husband does rant and put her down. Is her blog okay then?
I agree that our society reeks of misandry. It makes me sick, actually. As the mother of two boys, I agree wholeheartedly that men need respect and admiration. I would take it a step further and say that both men and women thrive on it. But shouldn’t people have to earn it?
I mean, why do women have to gush over men BEFORE the men have done anything worthy of it? I think that’s a legitimate question. Enlighten me, please.  

marriagecoach1  

Of course it does not make it okay. I teach couples to listen patiently to each other particularly when the comments are negative about you. Wouldn’t it be better to know that you are causing offense and try and resolve it rather than shut someone up and insult them for bringing it up? People tend to get defensive and fire back and go on the attack. Really, it shows confidence in the relationship that the partner would trust you enough to bring up something that bothers them about you.  

I will admit, that often men are lagging behind women in emotional maturity. The way to improve someone’s behavior and attitude is to catch them doing something good and offering them praise and positive feedback,. It workds far better that attacking and put downs.  

The fact of life is that men tend to be reactive rather than proactive in relationships. Women get what they put out there. About 30 years ago, there was a woman by the name of Marabelle Morgan that had a best selling book and seminar called the Total Woman. It is now out of print, but she said that women need to give their husbands sex, and admiration and they would get all of their needs met. It was wildly successful and marriages were save or improved. The feminsts killed it because they attacked a suggestion in her book that women initiatiate sex with their husbands once in a while and suggested that she meet him at the door wrapped in saran wrap. They even did a movie about it called The Stepford Wives. Dr. Laura has picked up the mantle with her books about the care and feeding of husbands suggesting the same things. Women don’t have to understand or approve it, but if they do it, it is amazing in the turnaround in their husbands. Men tend to live up to or down to their wives characterizations of them.  

Best Wishes
John Wilder  

Reply

 

    thinkingtoohard13  

    I’ve said this before, but just for emphasis: I’m a raging feminist bitch, but I’m still a firm believer in the care and feeding of men. My only point is that they won’t get a thing from me if they act like idiots. I can totally get behind the idea of offering sex, admiration, praise. But not if the man I’m dealing with is emotionally disconnected. You can only offer up a loot of warm and fuzzy feelings so many times before the repeated response (rejection) makes you think twice about doing it again.  

 

marriagecoach1  

All I can tell you is to tone down the raging feminist bitch. Imagine if you will comparing you to a dog ( no insult intended, just for comparison) and you are full of love and you lick your master’s hand at one point and you then later turn into a snarling growling biting dog. The cycle repeats, they guy will not extend himself and be open and vulnerable. You have to provide a safe environment for him to be open and vulnerable. Men are very protective of their feelings because so many times women have used them against us. We all have feelings but protect them fiercely and don’t provide a window easily. You can hate this, but it is a fact of life. You either learn to adapt or continue to be frustrated and angry. I understand your frustration and even empathize with it. I am not against you, I am just trying to give you a glimpse inside men’s minds becuase you and I are not connected and I have nothing to lose to share with you.  

Best wishes
John  

Reply

 

 

marriagecoach1  

Here is a thought for you, men protect their feelings even more than they protect their balls, does that explain it better for you? Now I am sure that he trusts you with his balls, now all you have to do is to make it safe enough for him to share his feelings. You can’t do that and also be a raging feminist bitch choose which one you want more.  

Reply

marriagecoach1  

Well I am glad that you liked itl, I was afraid that you would be offended.  

Seriously as a guy speaking for guys everywhere after hundreds of conversations, no you can’t do both. Every feminst that I have ever run across has serious anger issues and are not pleasant to be around for a guy.
Your own life proves that it does not work. I say if you try it my way for a month, you might be surprised at what you get. But it is just advice that you can take or leave as you see fit. I am trying to help you get what you want. By your own statement, it is not your husband but other guys as well. The common denominator is you. You are guilty of sexism by lumping all guys together and dismissing us all, Like I said, misandry.
Best Wishes
John  

Reply

 

3 Responses to An Example of A Coaching Session Done Online

  1. Trip X says:

    You are so hitting the nail on the proverbial head, Doc. My wife used to like the shows of affection and me doting on her, my unabashed display of waterworks when I was hurt, then she turned on me and requested that I never do this again. If I did, it was met with harsh consequences. Now that we are having (surprise, surprise) marital problems, she wants me to just “flip” the emotional switch on again. She doesn’t understand that it isn’t that easy, if even possible. Women should be aware that sometimes a man, in his quest to show his lady how much he loves her, will do as she asks, even if he knows it is against his nature. She should also be made aware that she may not like what she gets, even if it is what she has asked for. I am not the man she married and I fear that man no longer exists.

  2. We appreciate you taking the time to speak about this, I’m fervently relating to this and i also also take pleasure in studying this topic. Please, while you gain information, please update this web site with more information. Ive found it very useful. There must be charging stations everywhere.

  3. You can definitely see your expertise in the work you write. The world hopes for even more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to say how they believe. Always follow your heart.

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