Cleaning Up Communication In Conflict

April 29, 2010

                            

    Recently I ran into a firestorm on a blog about making what I thought was an innocent suggestion that women consider wearing something frilly and lacy to bed at night to please her husband.  The depth of anger  and hostility came as a shock to me.  I was called a predator, stalker,  wife beater rapist  and all manner of other vile names and descriptions.  It also illustrates the mob mentality where people are encouraged to jump in when they would not ordinarily do it themselves.  The individual conscience is put on hold and embraces the collective conscience where people are encouraged to do or say ever worsening comments and or behaviors.

     What it illustrated to me was a common complaint to me by men in my practice that women don’t make it safe for men to reveal their feelings because of fear of verbal reprisal.

     There is a difference between aggressive and assertive communication skills that should be pointed out.  Aggressive communication takes a disagreement and has the offended party lashing out with verbal bashing and  put downs.  What this does if to offend the other party where many times they strike back trying to top the previous insult.  This invariably descends into dysfunction.  What it DOES NOT DO IS RESOLVE THE PROBLEM.  It only adds to the problem and breaks down effective communication.  It pits people into hurling insults back and forth and they lose sight of problem resolution.  This is the stuff that divorces are made of.  I tell my clients to rent 3 movies and study them in depth and observe how art imitates life; The War of The Roses, The Breakup and The Prince of Tides.

     I teach my clients how to problem solve by assertive communication.  This   allows people to state their disagreements, give their reasons and respects the other person.  Handling conflicts in this manner respects both people and allows for continued  respect and trust in communication.  It is hard to trust a partner or a person who disagrees with you when they are going for your figurative jugular vein going in for the kill so to speak.

     In our western society, we are very aggressive in our dealings with one another.   We show little respect for someone who disagrees with us.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion and should not verbally assaulted because of it.  Name calling and insults are never appropriate.  Women are more guilty of this than men are.  For men, women hurling insults and put downs are the equivalent of getting punched in the face.  The problem is that he is powerless to defend himself against these assaults by women.  He can’t punch them out (or shouldn’t but sometimes does because the Fight or Flight Syndrome is in high gear and he explodes)

Hurling insults back and screaming back at the woman is also unseemly so he is stuck in a very unfair position.

    Bottom line is that if you want to be loved and respected, you have to give respect in return.  It is okay to disagree, it is not okay to be disagreeable in how you disagree.   Sometimes there is no way that either party is going to change their position.  This is okay, there does not have to be a winner.  It is okay to agree to disagree.  There is honor and respect in that, there is NO HONOR in hurling insults.

If you want help with your relationship, whether it is to solve fights or sexual issues, please drop me a line, I offer a free half hour consultation and offer a money back guarantee.


Women. Get Comfortable With Your Sexuality

April 28, 2010

 

      I have come to understand how conflicted women are about their sexuality.  I have surfed numerous blogs and made comments on them about women wearing lacy frilly lingerie for their men.  I unleashed a firestorm.  As a marriage, relationship and sexual coach, I work with couples to resolve their relationshjp and sexual problems.

     Almost all women grew up with the fantasy about “living happily ever after”.  Far too often this has been a self centered fantasy with the woman giving little consideration as what that looks like and means for the man in her life.  I suggested that women ask their husbands a question and promising not to get mad at his answer, would he like to see her in lacy frilly lingerie when she comes to bed at night?  The answer is obvious for the vast majority of men.   I point out that why would you want to deny a pleasure that the husband wants and desires if you love him?  It costs you nothing and it is another way to honor him and show him respect.  It might not be the woman’s thing but it is the husband’s.  If you had a cat, would you feed it hay and say that it was love.  You would feed the cat what it needs and that is meat.

     I challenge women everywhere to ask your husband the following question; In what way can I be a better wife to you sexually”. Youu have to promise him that you won’t get angry with his answer and then listen to the answer without getting defensive.  Men are not forthcoming with their feelings because most wives don’t make it safe for him to express those feelings.  This hurts your relationship and the communication between you and your hubby.

     Far too many women are inhibited by their parents and the church indoctrinating them about sex when they were girls. They said that it was bad, dirty and wrong and that “good girls don’t do it” Sadly, by the time a woman is ready to embrace her sexuality, she is so negatively conditioned about sex that sadly it affects her for the rest of her life. Sex is a gift from God. You don’t ever hear that preached from a pulpit or from a sunday school lesson. They don’t tell you about the biblical quotes encouraging us to have a great sex life.

 Women can’t relax and enjoy and be comfortable with their sexuality.  They also tend to feel self conscious about their body image.  Men don’t care, they like to see their women in frilly feminine things.  Not only did I get hate speech vomited all over me over this issue, sadly women tend to do the same thing to their husbands.  Men learn to shut up and keep their feelings to themselves because it is not safe to open up to the wife if she perceives anything remotely critical of her.  She verbally berates the husband.  Women are telling men that we are bad, perverted and wrong for desiring lacy frilly lingerie.  It is a point of view and should not be disprespected.  Women can’t take any critique but feel no compunction over vomiting critique over men and their husbands.

     In Europe, people are much more comfortable with sexuality.  We have been raised in a highly puritanical society.  The discussion of sex or lingerie makes most people highly uncomfortable.  Why, we are all adults.  Sex is one of the big 3 that couples fight about.  We have a 50% divorce rate in this country.  Kids are the victims and are traumatized and damaged as the result of that divorce.

     We are also in a society that is reeking of misandry (reverse sexism by women against men).  I speak for the vast majority of men who can’t speak up for fear of being bombarded by women in general and their wives in particular.

    I teach couples to resolve conflicts peacefully without verbally bashing each other and without the name calling.  I stress respect not the use of verbal clubs as equalizers.

   If you would like help with your relationship or sexuality, I am here to help.  I offer a free half hour consultation and a money back guarantee.


Collaborative Peaceful Conflict Resolution, How to Stop Fighting

April 26, 2010

 

                       RESOLVING CONFLICT PEACEFULLY

     Fighting comes naturally, peacefully resolving conflict does not.  I am sure that you can remember all too well fights that you have had in your own relationship.  The problem with fighting is that no one wants to “lose” the fight so we lock into combat that almost always escalates into dysfunction.  That dysfunction can be screaming, throwing things, cursing and/or hitting a spouse. 

     I had a couple as a client locked into dysfunction.  The woman had gotten into a pattern of screaming, cursing and throwing things.  The husband admirably did not hit her, but tried to keep the peace because of what the wife’s tirades and tantrums did to the children.  She once broke her own finger by repeatedly slamming the front door harder and harder. Problems were never resolved; she just bullied the husband to get her own way. I could not reach her and they ultimately got a divorce.  She continued these patterns in a subsequent marriage.

     I always tell my clients to first go and study two movies from the rental store:  THE BREAK UP, and WAR OF THE ROSES.  You can see art imitating life.  Study these movies and see yourselves portrayed in these movies.  Watch and see the mistakes that they have made and that you have made similar mistakes as well.  Children are terrified when they hear parents fighting.  Remember the scene from PRINCE OF TIDES when the young children ran and jumped into the bay.  They lived in an idyllic setting on an island.  They escaped by running out of the house and jumping into the water.  Most children don’t have that option and simply suffer through the fights, terrified. If you have not seen The Prince of Tides, it is also mandatory on my homework list.

     To avoid those problems and dysfunction, I have listed some techniques that are guaranteed to work if you will use them.  I tell my clients that they both need to agree to change their ways.  They also need to forgive each other and enact the old familiar slogan from the playground:  A DO OVER.  Admit that you have both made mistakes and that as a couple you want a do over and agree to rules that I have listed for peacefully resolving the conflict.  A great idea is to adopt the physician’s vow about dealing with your conflicts;  “ First, do no harm.”

     When a spouse is angry with you, the first rule is to SHUT UP AND LISTEN.  I know that it is hard to do.  You need to let them get out everything that bothers them before you counter their arguments.  Once they are done, ask to repeat back what they said so that you and the spouse are sure that you understand the problem.  Then ask:  “In what way can we resolve this problem”?  This goes a long way to resolving the problem.  Calmly discuss solutions.  “A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” Proverbs 15:1

 

                                                        AGREE TO DISAGREE

 

     Too many times people are locked into winning.   The problem with winning is that there is also a loser who will feel humiliated.

  Better to “agree to disagree”.  In this way, neither party feels like they have “lost” the argument.

                         FLIPPING A COIN 

   If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution:  “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.”  Proverbs

     Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue.  You both have to agree in advance that this will settle the issue, and then stick to it.

                       NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

     When you are in a discussion where you both have a point of view that you feel strongly about, there is another alternative.  You can agree to negotiate the argument for a peaceful settlement.  You can do this by adopting a 10 scale.  You each assign a numerical value form 1-10 depending on how firmly you believe your side is worth.  You have to give an honest evaluation.  Using a 10 where there is absolutely no room for negotiation, to a 1 scale where you could go either way. Come up with a legitimate number to assess your position.  Suppose your

spouse is at a 7 and you are at a 4 then you agree to give in to the spouse’s 7 to make for a peaceful resolution.

            SPLITTING THE DIFFERENCE

     Another good way to resolve the argument is to simply compromise half way between the two points of view.  Both parties feel like they got something and don’t feel humiliated.

                The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1.     Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.

2.     Don’t ever hit your spouse.

3.     Don’t curse at or call your spouse names, it is abusive.

4.     Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.

5.     Don’t withhold sex to get your way.

6.     Do not scream at your spouse it is abusive.

7.     Do not interrupt; it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.

8.     Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.

9.     Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?      

                              10.   Don’t give people the “silent treatment”.  It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.       

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme that is more appropriate:  Sticks and stones can only break your bones but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

     Remember, your job as a spouse is to nurture your spouse.  You can’t do that when you are being self centered.  According to Dr. Laura Schlesinger, self centeredness is a leading cause of divorce.  You also don’t nurture your spouse when you attempt to bully them in an argument instead of peacefully resolving the conflict while respecting them and their feelings.

 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man (woman) be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:  for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.  James 1:19

     The big problem is that the vast majority of people don’t heed the above scriptural mandate.  Most people are doing just the opposite:  they are quick to anger, quick to speak and slow to listen.  If you can follow the scriptural mandate, you will be amazed at how much better your marriage works.

                                             SAVING FACE

      You need to adopt the oriental philosophy of “saving face”. This is a philosophy of mutual respect.  It is considered in very poor form to in any way deliberately disrespect another person.  Their rules are very rigid in that you never ever would consider doing anything that would cause someone to feel humiliated or embarrassed.  Our western culture clearly does not teach respect for other people’s feelings.

     Finally, if you can’t resolve an argument, then seek out the services of a marriage coach. Avoid marriage counselors at all costs.  The dirty little secret in the industry is that marriage counselors have a 75% failure rate according to some leading counselors turned Marriage Coaches like Dr. Willard Harley, author of HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS and Michelle Weiner Davis, author of DIVORCE BUSTING. Marriage counselors have you come back for weeks and talk about feelings.  Coaches concentrate on resolving problems in a short period of time.  If

you need help, put into your search engine and look for marriage coaches, or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

END OF SUBMISSION


Check Your Emotional Maturity Here

April 24, 2010

Emotional Intelligence & Emotional Maturity
Youth Fades; Immaturity Lingers © Martyn Carruthers

Would you like to benefit from our experience?

Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma? Do you suffer from your parents’ drama, your partner’s demands, your boss’s moods? Do you want to untangle your life … or help other people reclaim their freedom?

Are you Mature?

Your emotional intelligence, together with your intellectual intelligence and relationship intelligence, comprise essential parts of your life. an you assess your emotional maturity and emotional freedom?

Your every relationship is a hologram of your life. You can mask but not hide your self-awareness, your maturity, your self-control, your commitment and your integrity. In every relationship you will show how well you listen, communicate, initiate change, follow through and solve problems. In every relationship you proclaim your emotional intelligence. Emotional immaturity indicates past abuse or trauma.

Relationships expose your maturity

In every relationship action, you expose your life values and emotional intelligence. In every relationship decision, you express your communication skills, your commitment and your integrity. You cannot hide your maturity – or lack of it – for long.

Your maturity predicts your ability to monitor and manage your emotions, to assess the emotional state of others and to influence their opinions and behavior. Your emotional intelligence and emotional maturity seem to be most profoundly influenced by your relationship history and your trauma history.

What are Emotions?

Many psychological definitions of emotions seem devoid of the humanity of those people who value their emotions. Such definitions are often lists of abstractions …

Plutchik An emotion is a patterned bodily reaction of either protection, destruction, reproduction, deprivation, incorporation, rejection, exploration or orientation, or some combination of these, which is brought about by a stimulus. (Feelings & Emotions 1970)

Other definitions focus on the experience of being human.

Carruthers Emotions are sensory experiences that communicate across relationship systems. They can be distorted or dissociated according to values and beliefs. Emotions provide motivation and inspiration to retreat … or to excel (Systemic Coach manual)

Are you Emotionally Mature?

If you avoid your emotions, you may act reserved, dissociated or robot-like. If you feel but avoid expressing your emotions, you may falsify your relationships, undermine your health and delay your development. Immaturity is associated with impulsive emotions – often following child abuse and emotional incest.

You can easily estimate your emotional intelligence:

  1. Do you listen to other people’s ideas?
  2. Do you cope with unexpected change?
  3. Do you express your feelings appropriately?
  4. Do you recognize your feelings as they occur?
  5. Do you manage strong emotions and impulses?
  6. Do you act intelligently when you are under stress?
  7. Do you take responsibility for your actions and behavior?

Any “No” may indicate part of your life where you may be emotionally immature, although many people will answer “Not really” to question 6. If your stress is high enough to cause you to age-regress (whatever the cause), you may feel and act childishly or even infantile for a time, before recovering balance and sobriety. During this time, immature behavior is more likely.

If you are still responding to stress, unassimilated trauma or relationship disappointments from your childhood, you may occasionally act out your trauma – usually triggered by some reminder or transference. We help people manage strong or chronic emotions (without drugs).

Emotional Intelligence & Relationships

Your emotional maturity will be most apparent in your relationship behavior. Do you:

  • build and maintain friendships?
  • teamwork toward shared goals?
  • cooperate with your community?
  • clarify mistakes and wrong assumptions?
  • inspire your family and lead other people?
  • share responsibility for children and projects?
  • provide balance or justice when things go wrong?
  • communicate appropriately? (for the relationship type)

We help motivated adults develop their emotional maturity by clarifying difficult relationships and resolving the cause of emotional outbursts.

Youth Fades … Immaturity Lingers

Children, teenagers and some adults may need protection from childish emotions, immature behavior and impulsive decisions. We help motivated people who complain of:

1. Self-Centered
You are egocentric and selfish. You have little regard for others and you are preoccupied with your own ideas, feelings and symptoms. You deeply believe that you are somehow special. You demand constant attention, respect and sympathy (see emotional incest)

2. Uncontrolled Emotions
You express yourself in temper tantrums, prolonged pouts and rapidly changing moods. You get frustrated easily, and you over-react to perceived criticism (see relationship abuse)

3. Gratification
You want it all now. Your behavior may be superficial, thoughtless and impulsive. Your loyalty lasts only as long as a relationship seems useful. You have chaotic finances (see trauma)

4. Dependent
You are indecisive, easily influenced and you avoid responsibility for your actions. You stay in unpleasant relationships to avoid change (see passive aggressive)

Do you want to change immature behavior? Or do you prefer to continue as you are?

Emotional Intelligence & Communication

Does your emotional intelligence may change dramatically when you feel strong emotions? Do you, for example, find yourself behaving like a young child when you feel abandoned or betrayed? Left unresolved, the consequences of emotional suppression or dissociation may be disease. Typical consequences include high blood pressure, colitis, ulcers and chronic fatigue.

What do you do after you feel provoked to express your emotions? How old do you feel and act when you express strong anger, sadness or fear? How far do you age-regress? Do you:

  • Express your emotions without conscious control (like a young child)?
  • Suppress your emotionally driven behavior (like a pre-teen)?
  • Repress or dissociate your emotional experience (like a teenager)?
  • Accept, acknowledge and express your emotions (like a mature adult)?

We help people express emotions appropriately.

Emotional Intelligence & Trust

Rapport is often used to describe compliance, in which an abuser tries to influence your decisions, with sales pitches, confusing rhetoric or hypnotic language. They may say, “It’s for your own good“.

Abusive Relationships . Provocative Coaching . More on Maturity

Can people trust you with sensitive personal information? They may have trusted others and later felt betrayed or abused. Trust helps people get on with their lives, and seems essential for innovation and creativity. Trust can take years to build and seconds to destroy. The consequences of abused trust can cause lasting damage to a friendship, family, organization or government.

Trustworthiness is an essential part of emotional maturity. If people do not trust you, you may find yourself justifying every detail of every decision you make. And remember that not everybody is as mature as you. Be cautious about who you trust with important, confidential or personal information.

Emotional Intelligence & Leadership

Leadership is much more than a desire to delegate tasks. If your confidence helps orient people, and if your decisions are beneficial, and if you communicate your confidence and decisions well – people will respect you. We can coach you to be a true leader as you develop your leadership skills. For example, do you:

  1. set an example?
  2. communicate a clear visions
  3. transfer responsibility to workers?
  4. challenge people to continually learn?
  5. develop individual capability and competence?
  6. clearly describe your goals of quality performance?

The key to emotional maturity is to always respect someone, especially someone for whom you disagree.  Too many people use verbal clubs as equalizers.  We are hard wired to fight but not to peacefully resolve conflict.  Instead of verbally beating one, why not try reasoning with a person and logically and unemotionally explaining why you disagree and why you think that they are wrong speaking to them with an attitude of respect.

We should be utilizing the oriental philosophy of “saving face”.  This is an lifestyle that shows respect for your fellow man, never causing them to “lose face” or to be humiliated or embarrassed.  Isn’t that far more civilized than verbally bashing people

If you are having problems in your relationship, I can and want to help.  I offer a free half hour consultation.  I also offer a money back guarantee.  As a coach, I differ from counselors in that I work with you to resolve your problems in a short period of time rather than one hour once a week for months and talking about your feelings.  Drop me an email and I will contact you to set up an appointment on the phone or Yahoo IM


Sexual Attitudes And Techniques For Women, Or the Care and Feeding of Your Man

April 23, 2010

                 Sexual Attitudes and Techniques for Women  This is another chapter from my book.  I need your feedback and comments.  This a rough draft chapter.  The book is going to be enttitled;  SEX EDUCATION FOR ADULTS, SECRETS TO AMAZING SEX AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER TOO.

 

     The number one thing that you need to consider is the fact that between the church, your parents and feminists, your thinking about sex likely has been vastly and inappropriately distorted.  I am going to implore you to re-think your whole attitude about your sexuality. Largely because of these attitudes, sex is one of the “big three” that couples fight about.  It is also a big reason for divorce.  According to a research psychologist, Judith Wallerstein, divorce profoundly negatively impacts and damages children for life.  Will you open your mind to re-thinking your sex life?  The famed playwright, Thornton Wilder (no relation) had a famous line in the play:  Our Town that stated that:  “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.”  This is largely due to their profound dissatisfaction with their lives in general and their wives specifically.  They are profoundly unfulfilled.  That is a sad indictment on you women.

           What women tend to forget is that you promised in your marriage vows that you agreed that your husband has the right to have (to have sex with) and to hold (for comfort and emotional support).  What most women don’t realize is, that unfaithful is not only having sex with someone outside the marriage; but it is also the act of not being able to be counted on to satisfy a partner’s sexual needs //

1.  
not faithful; false to duty, obligation, or promises; faithless; disloyal.

 

2.  
 

 

      Research studies indicate that over 60% of you women out there have your husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less.

     Men get their affectional needs satisfied through sex.  Let me ask you a question.  If your children came to you for a hug, would you turn them down the way that you turn down your husband for sex? This is of course a rhetorical question.  This is clear gender bias and prejudice.  If you give your children more hugs than you give your husband sex, you are clearly discriminating against him.  Dr. Phil says that if you are a mother first and wife second, you are killing your marriage.  He claims that you likely won’t be married by the time the kids leave home.  Your first obligation is to keep the home together.  You do that by being a good wife and being a wife first and a mother second.

         You also are likely the women who buy the boring, white non-lacy bras and white nylon panties with no lace or worse yet, cotton panties.  Cotton panties only belong on little girls or very old grandmas.  Cotton panties worn by a married woman is an egregious sin of denial for your husband.

     Sadly because of the negative impact on women by the churches and the parents, I hear so many women state about wearing lacy lingerie:  “I am not wearing that slutty stuff!”  Women reason incorrectly to themselves that they are not sluts and only slutty women wear lacy lingerie.  Men are visually stimulated.  Your husband is the one who sees you in your bras, panties and nighties.  It would be appropriate here to quote that old Italian proverb that has been handed down for generations:  “What a man wants in a wife is: a good mother for his children, a good hostess for his friends and a slut in the bedroom”.  I am here to tell you that most of the problems that you have in your marriage would go away if you embraced that philosophy and fully embraced your sexuality.

                                       Sidebar on thong panties

    Now I know that some of you women are wearing thong panties which you consider sexy and perhaps even your husband considers them sexyFor those of you who wear thong panties, you have been pressured by the peer pressure of your girlfriends in not showing panty lines.  The irony is that most of you claim not  to want to show visible panty lines and yet end up showing visible panties.  Invariably under slacks, the panties ride up in back and showMen love panty lines.  You same women who claim not to want to show visible panty lines don’t make the same distinction about visible bra lines.  There are very few clothes that you wear that don’t show bra lines.  If visible panty lines are bad, why aren’t visible bra lines?  Think about it, does it make sense when you consider bras?  Of course not.

                           

                                  The Case Against Thongs

     When we were kids, one of the common pranks that we played is giving each other wedgies.  I can’t for the life of me understand why women would want to walk around with a permanent wedgie.  Then there is the whole sanitation issue that I don’t need to delve into here.

     The biggest single reason for wearing full backed bikinis is that the back is usually satin backed.  This is a wonderful thing for the man in your life for a number of reasons.  When he rubs your butt through those silky backed panties, he is reminded of how silky your well lubricated pussy (vagina) feels to him.  It is arousing for him and because it is, he will spend more time rubbing your butt.  Believe me, there are erotic nerve endings in your butt that you did not even know that you had.  They become aroused when your husband rubs your butt cheeks. Believe me, you will enjoy him rubbing your butt.  If for no other reason, you should abandon thongs because your husband will spend more time rubbing your butt cheeks if they are covered in silky satin.  This also does not discount how silky and wonderful those silky panties feel on your own butt that you don’t experience with thongs.  There is another reason:  Your husband can become highly aroused rubbing his dick (penis) against that silky material.  You can become aroused feeling him becoming erect as he rubs his dick against those silky panties.  Women, try it and see if your husband does not prefer bikinis rather than thongs.  Trust me, men from the time that they were little boys have had a fascination with women’s panties.  Give him what he wants.

    

     So many of you women who are mothers state that you won’t wear lacy nighties because your kids might come in and see you in it. If your kids saw you in a sexy nightie, it would not cause them harm.  The fact that you won’t wear sexy nighties for your husband definitely diminishes the quality of life in  your marriage. The easy answer is to lock your door when you are sleeping.  If your kids need you, they can knock on the door. It is imperative to teach your children respect for yours and your husband’s privacy.  They should not be allowed to just walk into your bedroom at will. You then can get up and put a robe on and cover up.  This would be a good time to add some humor to this dialogue.  Here is a little joke to tickle your funny bone: “There was a man who came to the door of a housewife and told her that he was taking a poll.  He asked her if she would be willing to take a poll in which there would be sensitive private issues discussed.  The woman who was somewhat bored agreed to the poll.  The poll taker asked her if she and her husband ever used Vaseline for sexual purposes, to which the wife said:  “oh sure.”  The poll taker asked her if she would mind explaining in what way that they used it for sexual purposes.  She said:  “Sure, we smear it on the door knob to keep the kids out of the bedroom”.  Install a lock on your bedroom door.

  Many of you incorrectly believe that lacy nighties are reserved only for sex.  That puts way too much pressure on you.  What you should be doing is wearing a lacy nightie every night.  Men have lust of the eye and lust of the flesh.  They want and need you to be visually pleasing to them.  Imagine how your husband would feel if the last thing he saw at night is you in some lacy nightie and the first thing that he awakens too and sees is you in that lacy nightie. Don’t you think that if you did that, he would feel loved and fulfilled?  Can you see how this would fit into his notion of “happily ever after” that you long for.  Don’t you think that he would like happily ever for himself as well? Women are around him all day and he sees them in short skirts, and sexy clothing.  How smart is it on your part that you wearing boring bras, panties and nighties.  You leave him visually starved and then have him see other women who don’t have your inhibitions in the work place and in public.  It is not good for him or the relationship.  You are not helping your husband to “live happily ever after”.

     Women, think about it like this, giving your husband sex willingly and lovingly is the best present that you can give to him.  Now ask yourself this question:  If you are going to get a present, would you want it to have beautiful wrapping paper and ribbon or would you be happy if they gave it to you in a rumpled old grocery sack?  That of course is a rhetorical question.  Why then would you want to give your husband something in a cotton flannel nightgown or an old t-shirt or whatever non-sexual garb you wear to bed?  I can tell you from a man’s point of view, that when you subject him to your non—sexy garb to bed, in his mind he is thinking: YUCK!  Is that the way that you want  your husband thinking about you.  He may not be saying it but he is thinking it.

 

    Now I know that from the time that you were born, you have fantasized about “Living Happily Ever After!”  Sadly whether you realize it or not, it has been a largely self centered fantasy.  That “knight in shining armor” you fantasized about was about him worshipping you and sweeping you off your feet.  Most of you from my coaching experience think little about happily ever after for the husband.  You don’t think about what would make him happy.  You impose your values on him about sex and lingerie. If you truly had that knight in shining armour, would you want him to see you in boring nightgowns or plain bra and panties? No one would support you being forced to do something against your will.  Yet you have no problem forcing things on your husband against his will.  Love means taking care of his needs as well.  That is part of his happily ever after that he is not getting with the majority of you.

     Women get a whole lot more positive affirmation than men do.  Let us look backwards at your life.  From the time that you were born, there were way more clothes for you that got you positive attention.  The little dresses, lacy panties, and patent leather shoes.  You got held more and hugged more as a little girl than boys did.  When you got to high school, you got a lot of attention for your looks.  You got all of the attention at prom time because of the dress hair and make-up.  You were totally the center of attention at the wedding.  The man was just window dressing.  When you got pregnant, all of the attention was focused on you as the new expectant mother.  The poor man was just the sperm donor and again window dressing.  Men depend upon you to get positive affirmations because they don’t get it like you have in your life.  Sadly, the feminists are even taking that away from them.  Think about it in how men are portrayed in commercials today.  They are portrayed as clueless and bumbling idiots.  The heroic woman swoops in to save the day.  Or she is there to make caustic and sarcastic remarks about how he has screwed up yet again.  According to Dr. Harley in his book:  His Needs, Her Needs,  what men need from you even more than sex is respect.  Men don’t get much respect in society today.  Sadly they don’t get much respect from you in their own homes.  Worse yet, many of you are teaching your children not to respect their fathers either.  All of this negatively impacts your sex life and your relationship with your husband.  I needed to talk to you about attitudes that you carry into the bedroom before I talk to you about how to make love to your husband in the bedroom.

     Now I know that most of you want to be taken by a strong self confident man who knows what he is doing in the bedroom.  If you read my opening chapter for men in how to make love to you, I told them how to do that.  For most of you though, you don’t take enough responsibility for being a good sexual partner to your husband.  Too may women have the attitude that sex is something that your husbands do to you instead of with you. Your husband wants you to give him sex willingly and lovingly.  When you do this, it is called Making Love.  This is because there is bond created between a man and a woman when she willingly and lovingly gives him sex.  What do you think your man would call it when you refuse his sexual overtures?   I can tell you that it is Making Resentment.  Every time you force him to masturbate because you won’t take care of his sexual needs, he feels resentment towards you.  Now I know that many of you see his sexuality through the prism of your own  sexuality.  You think that he does not really need it but he is just being selfish and demanding.  You could not be more wrong.  That attitude hurts your marriage.

     For those of you who have had children, remember how much you had to pee when you were pregnant.  It was not your fault.  That baby pressed against your bladder.  Peeing was not an option, but a very real necessity.  While your husband’s sexual drive is very similar.  The semen build-up causes him to feel uncomfortably full.  For him, getting relief is not an option either.  He would much rather have you give him relief.

     Let us do a little role play and do some role reversal for illustration purposes.  Let us go back to the time when you were pregnant and pretend that you are on a long road trip in the car with your husband.  Now pretend that you are asking him yet again to stop the car so that you could pee(urinate).  Now let us pretend that he talks to you like so many women talk to their husbands about sexual relief.  You ask him to stop to which he makes these kinds of comments:  “What, you have to pee again, is that all you ever think about?  What are you, some kind of peeing pervert?  I don’t feel like stopping, I have a headache.  I not in the mood to stop, maybe tomorrow I will stop.  Stop it, leave me alone.  Stop nagging me.  Take care of it yourself, there is bottle, pee in the bottle.”  Now if your husband talked to you like that, you and your women friends would string him up, you would verbally shred him to pieces.  And yet, you feel entitled to talk to him that way.  Believe it or not, men have feelings too.  Just because they are not as visually demonstrative with their feelings, they still have them.  Those kinds of comments by you are like daggers in his heart and does damage to him and your relationship.  He can’t help his sexual desires any more than you can help feeling the excessive urge to pee when you are pregnant.  I would venture to say that your husband is a whole lot more tolerant of your need to pee than you are his need for sexual relief.  I am frankly surprised that there are not a greater percentage of divorces than our current 50%.

     You need to shed your “little girl inhibitions” about sexuality and become the wife that your husband would like to have.  You need to be the mature, sophisticated woman who takes pride in satisfying your husband.  You need to stop thinking about all of the things that you won’t do for him in bed.  If you were really serious about being a good wife, you would be asking him:  In what way can I be a better wife for you?  What would being an ideal wife look like and what could I do to be that ideal wife?  Love is supposed to be about giving of yourself and satisfying your husband and giving him a feeling of contentment with you.

     Now I ask you, whose approval are you seeking when you continue in those “little girl inhibitions”:  your parents, the church, God, your women friends?  You certainly are not getting your husband’s approval.  You are damaging your marriage.  You are preventing the very “Happily Ever After” that you seek

     Now I have had enough experience talking to and coaching women that I know that many of you are now angry with me and thinking:  “who does this guy think he is anyway?”  You would then want to tell me how undeserving your husband is and everything that is wrong with him.  You would want to tell me if he changes this or that, then maybe you would become more of what he wanted.  Let me tell you, women are supposed to be the experts at relationships and feelings.  This is something that you need to initiate regardless of how undeserving you think that your husband is.  Like it or not, it is women who inspire men to romance.  If you are not taking care of his needs, romance is the last thing on his mind.

     Believe it or not, my thoughts are not just the rantings of some sexist pig.  Other women authors have voiced similar opinions in books in the past.  There was a book and a course entitled:  The Total Woman written by a woman named:  Marabelle Morgan.  She revitalized marriages.  Her theme was that women need to take care of their husband’s sexual and emotional needs and to give him respect.  She taught this course around the country.  Coach Don Shula of the Miami Dolphins had the player’s wives take this course and as a result, the Dolphins had the first ever back to back Super Bowl wins as well as the first ever unbeaten season by an NFL team.  This technique works and has been proven to work to improve marriages.  She counseled wives that not only should the wives willingly take care of her husband’s sexual needs but that the woman should be the aggressor once in a while.  She suggested that you have a little daring and adventuresome flirtations.  As an example, she suggested that the wife meet her husband at the door dressed in nothing but cellophane when he gets home.  The growing feminist movement was coming to the fore in the early 70’s.  The feminists seized on this comment and held Mrs. Morgan up to scorn and national ridicule.  Ms. Morgan’s course had gained nation-wide acceptance and was making huge improvements in people’s marriages.  After all of this scorn, the movement died.  They even wrote a movie called:  The Stepford Wives.  It was a feminist diatribe and screed against women who would actually take care of their husbands.  You can get more information on this by going to Wikipedia and reading up on it.  Just punch in Stepford Wives and see what they say.

     Dr. Laura Schlesinger says basically the same thing.  She instructs women in her book:  The Care and Feeding of Husbands  as well as her other books to take care of the sexual needs of the husband and to give him respect.

     In the next chapter, we will see what the bible says about sex as well.  You will be surprised at what the Bible has to say.  Most people view the Bible as a bunch of “Thou shalt nots”.  There are more positive commands to have a great sex life than commands about sexual sin.

                                        What Not To Do

     Before I get into what you should be doing with your husband in bed, I need to talk to you about what not to do to your husband.  Never ever put him down about his sexuality.  God gave him his sexuality.  Belittling him or putting him down is cruel and highly inappropriate.  One of the very common complaints that I hear from your husbands is that you put him down because of his sexuality.  That shows utter lack of sensitivity on your part.  It is boorish behavior and is unconscionable.  I have heard comments like:  Is sex all you ever think about, what are you a pervert or something, all you ever think about is yourself, if you want that (whatever that is) go find it from another woman because I am not doing it.  You know the negative put down statements that I am talking about.  If you have made these kinds of statements, you need to go to your husband and ask for forgiveness.  How would you like it if your husband put you down for having periods?  It is not your fault, that is just how you are made.  Well your husband’s sexuality is how he is made by God.  Putting him down for it is equivalent to saying that God is stupid for having put this sex drive in your husband.  Do you think that your husband’s sexuality is any different than other men’s? Putting him down for it is just mean, hateful and cruel.

     Never ever say:  Fuck you to your husband, I don’t care how angry you are.  That is verbal abuse which as you know can hurt more than physical abuse.  What I find from coaching women is that they have no problem saying:  “Fuck you!” to your husbands.  The absolute irony is these same women would not consider saying Fuck me in bed with their husbands.  Their distorted notion is that saying fuck me is slutty and yet they have no compunction about saying fuck you.  If you have done this to your husband you need to go and sincerely apologize and promise him that you will never ever utter that hateful phrase again.  I can’t tell you how despicable uttering that phrase is.  It is the ultimate insult.  It is the equivalent of:  I hate you.  While saying fuck you is the ultimate insult, saying fuck me in bed is the ultimate compliment for your husband and expresses your love for him in a graphic way that is very pleasing to him.  Let me sum up with my reinterpretation of that old wrong nursery rhyme:

”Sticks and Stone can break your bones, but words will never hurt you.”

     I have reinterpreted with the correct meaning:

Sticks and Stones can only break your bones, but words:

Can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

                                      What To Do

                                Talking Dirty in Bed

     Now again I can hear the howls from you women, I would never do that.  Well let me ask you something.  Would you feed your cat hay to demonstrate your love for the cat?  Of course not.  Would you feed a cow, meat?  Again, of course not.  Men genuinely would love for you to talk dirty in bed with them.  They have a need to hear it.  Just because you don’t need it does not mean that they don’t.  I would suggest that you go to Harlequin’s Spice Section and order any books from that section.  It will help you to get over your inhibitions about talking dirty in bed with your man.  These books are written by women authors who fully embraced their sexuality including talking dirty in bed. The sex scenes are more graphically written. Reading these books will help you to lose your inhibitions about this wonderful thing that you could do for your husband.  You need to understand that for a man, talking dirty in bed is just another way of saying:  I love you to him.  It says that you find him desirable and that you enjoy his attention.  When you say:  “Fuck me” in bed, you are complimenting him and telling him that he is a hero in bed.  This is the way that you as a woman can romance him.  Just as you desire romance from your man, he as well desires romance from you.  The thing that you need to understand is that he does not want or need the same kinds of romance that you desire, he is a man and not a woman. Just as you would not feed hay to a cat,  saying “fuck me” in bed is the ultimate form of romance for your man.  Don’t ever put him down for desiring this form of sexual expression.  When you give him this, you become the hot passionate lover that he desires. What you most likely will be surprised by is the fact that getting comfortable with talking dirty in bed with your man is highly liberating for you as well.  You might be surprised at how it enhances your own sexuality and that your climaxes come more easily and more powerfully. He then is much more inspired to give you the romance that you crave.  When you give him the kinds of things that he desires in bed, he is much more willing to give you the things that you are looking for.  The Bible says that:  He (she) who sows sparingly, shall reap sparingly; and he (she) who sows bountifully shall reap bountifully.II Corinthians 9:6

     Now the thing to remember here  is that sex is not just something that you let your husband do to you, but something that you should be actively involved in.

                              Showing Nipples

 I assumed that you have taken my advice about buying new lingerie and letting him pick your lingerie since he is the one who sees it.  He knows what he likes.  You might be daring and not only buy  lacy bras, but bras that do not have lined cups.  The girls on the TV show: Friends often wore unlined bras and allowed their nipples to be seen discreetly through their clothes. In the TV show called: ACCORDING TO JIM, his TV wife named Cheryl often wore a non-lined bra and allowed her nipples to be discreetly seen. Even if you only do this for the times that you went out on a date with your husband, it would be a wonderful thing to do for him. If you have inhibitions about wearing this type of bra all of the time, at least make sure that the bra is lacy in terms of lace over the cups of your bra.  Wear something besides the perennial white.  Wear matching bras and panties. And for crying out loud give the man some color. 

                              Flashing Him Beaver Shots

     When you go out with your husband, take the opportunity to wear a short skirt. He will love it. I guarantee you that if you make sure that he gets a peek up that skirt and sees your lacy panties, he will always open the car door for you. Opening your car door for you is certainly romantic.  Make sure that you reward his romance by romancing him back by making sure that he gets a nice “beaver shot” (peek up your skirt seeing your lacy panties).  When you are in the car, turn your legs towards him and bring them up allowing him to look up your skirt and see your panties.  Just don’t do it so much that he gets you guys into a car accident enjoying the view.  The ideal time is when you are stopped at a stoplight.  When he takes off again, cut off the view so that he is not distracted until the next stop light. By the way, either don’t wear any pantyhose so you don’t obscure the view of your panties.  If you feel that you must wear stockings, make sure that you wear thigh high stockings so that he sees your panties unobscured when you let him look up your skirt. 

                                 Giving Him Foreplay

     When you get home, and it is time to go to bed, do a little strip tease for him.  When he wants to make love to you, let him and welcome him.  When he is sucking on your nipples and nuzzling your boobs, wrap your arms around his head and stroke his hair or when he feels your boobs with his hands cover his hand with your hand.  It lets him know that you welcome his touch. Show pic of woman with her arms wrapped around man’s head as he nuzzles tits.  Better yet, take his hand before he touches your boob and bring it up with your hand and cup his hand around your boob. Show pic of woman holding man’s hand with hers cupped on her boob. This communicates that you love him and welcome his advances and that you want to satisfy his desires.  When he is going down on you, do pelvic thrusts against his tongue.  Better yet, wrap your hands around his head and lock your fingers together behind his head and do pelvic thrusts against his tongue.  If he is going to fondle your vagina, put your hand over his and thrust against it.  Push his finger with your finger so that you cause him to penetrate you with his finger.  Take the initiative sometimes and roll him over on his back.  Bend over him so that your breasts are hanging down.  Lower yourself so that just your nipples are touching his body.  Take that opportunity to stroke his body just with your nipples.  I call this a “nipple massage”.  It brings electrifying jolts of pleasure to his body.  Our body has low voltage electrical energy in it. It is responsible for energizing our nerve endings.  You get electrical impulses from your brain to the rest of your body. It is this electrical energy that picked up in EKG’s. For example to explain, you can take a bobby pin and stick into one side of an electrical outlet.  You will not get a shock.  If you stick the bobby pin in both sides of the outlet, you will complete the circuit and get badly shocked.  Well the same is true with your nipples.  One nipple alone is not nearly as arousing as using both nipples.  Both nipples complete the electrical circuit in his body.  Stroke your nipples over his face, chest, stomach, legs, thighs and most importantly his penis (dick). 

                                     BLOW JOBS

     This is an age old discussion.  There are many women who refuse to give their husbands blow jobs.  “Ugh, gross, I am not going to do that”.  “Little girl” inhibitions are cropping up again here.  Do you want to have a Bill and Hillary marriage where your husband has to go to other women or hookers to get a blow job?  That is the number one thing men visit hookers for.  A great percentage of men who frequent prostitutes are married.  By your refusal, you are then a stumbling block for him as forbidden in the chapter on sex and the bible.  Some of you will give your men blow jobs but won’t allow him to come in your mouth.  Some of you will give him a blow job but then will spit out his semen.  You claim that you don’t like the taste.  Imagine if your husband went down on you but then spit out the vaginal secretions that he got in his mouth.  How likely would you want him to go down on you again?  What if he would not go down on you because he claimed not to like your taste?  Really, when you tell your husband that, you are telling him that you think that he is disgusting and more of that age old sexism where women are good and men are bad.

          If you really want to be cherished by your husband, and you want to show him your love, you need to learn to give him good blow jobs.  Any woman can lay there with her legs spread and think about other things while her poor husband pumps away at her.  It takes love and commitment to take his penis (dick) in your mouth and make love to him.  It is intensely personal and loving.  Without it, he feels profoundly cheated and disappointed. 

     For those of you who have a problem with getting semen in your mouth, you can take an intermediate step.  You can put a condom on your husband’s dick (penis) and give him the blow job and you are not going to get any semen in your mouth.  You can use it as a “baby step” to make progress.  You can feel him ejaculate but not actually get the semen in your mouth.  You should use this technique as a way to progress to a full blow job where you allow your husband to come in your mouth and swallow.  At the very least, you should use this technique to give him a blow job.  I know of women out there who won’t even take their husband’s dick in their mouth.  I ask you if you are one of those women, why did you even bother to get married anyway?  You need to get over this.  You can if you have the right attitude.  You can through a desensitization  process called “successive approximations.”  This basically means getting a little closer each time.  Others would call it “baby steps”.  The point being is that you are getting closer and making progress in moving forward in pleasing and loving your husband. 

   Now I know that many of you out there will complain about taste or consistency.  Neither of those issues needs to be a problem if you have the right attitude and practice the right technique.  It is really a simple matter to solve.  When your husband’s climax is imminent, instead of trying to block his ejaculation with your tongue, you simply let him shoot to the back of your throat.  You then quickly swallow.  This solves both problems.  You won’t taste his semen because all of your taste buds are on the front of your tongue.  Following my technique you therefore don’t taste his semen. You also don’t have the consistency issue to deal with because again it is not hitting your tongue.  Allowing him to shoot in the back of your throat, it simply feels like a little extra saliva in your mouth.  If you spit out his semen, you get it on your tongue and have the taste and consistency to deal with. You can do this if you decide to.

     For all you feminists out there who claim to espouse equal rights, how is it fair for you to expect your man to go down on you and you don’t return the favor? Where is his equal rights?  Besides that, your vaginal secretions taste remarkably similar to his semen.  Hillary is a feminist who obviously does not give Bill blowjobs and look what that got her.  Do you really think that they have a happy marriage?  Do you think that they are achieving “happily ever after”?

     If you have not given your husband a blow job but have now decided to, it is not difficult.  He will love you for attempting to please him.  You simply go down on him and suck.  If his penis is limp, you can generally take his whole dick (penis) in your mouth.  You suck on it like you are sucking a milk shake through a straw.  You also place your tongue firmly against his dick (penis).  As his dick grows to a full erection, you go down as deeply on it as you comfortably can without gagging.  You then wrap your hand around his dick (penis) at that point as a marker and don’t go deeper than that when you start vigorously thrusting up and down on the shaft of his dick.  If your jaw gets tired or you need to remove your mouth to catch your breath, it is imperative that you continue stroking his dick with your hand or he will lose the momentum of getting to the point of ejaculating.  If you stop, then you will have to start all over again. 

     There are other very obvious reasons to give your husbands blow jobs.  Most of you won’t consider having intercourse when you are on your period.  Why should your husband be deprived of sex just because you are on your period?  If you really love him and care about his needs, you won’t deprive him of sexual relief.  After childbirth, you are forbidden from intercourse for 6 weeks on average.  Again, why should your husband be forced to masturbate?  Many women feel that they have the right to deprive him after childbirth.  In fact many of you deprive your husband sex for months after giving birth claiming that you are too tired.  He feels rejected, lonely and resentful towards you and the new baby.

     Let me give you a technique that requires little energy expenditure from you and yet gets your husband off fairly quickly and keeps him happy and satisfied.  This would involve two props:  a pair of your lacy and silky panties and our Power Tool Vibrator. (go to our website to order this fantastic product) You give him a little foreplay by stroking your nipples across his penis (dick).  You then start sucking his dick and take those silky panties, (the satiny back panel of the panties) and lightly stroke them across the underside of his scrotum (balls, nut-sack)  This area is extremely sensitive to him.  You continue to rapidly stroke very lightly with those panties on the underside of his scrotum while you are sucking on him.  The silkiness of your panties causes him to think in terms of how silky the interior of your vagina (pussy) feels when it is well lubricated.  You then turn the Power Tool Vibrator on high and place the bulb firmly on the base of his penis (dick).  You simply hold the bulb of the vibrator firmly against the base of his dick while you are sucking him.  It is a very powerful stimulant to him and will cause him to get off much quicker, thereby conserving energy on your part.  It will also give him a mind blowing orgasm because of the combination of the sensation of you sucking him, stroking him with your panties and the powerful vibrator.  Don’t be surprised if he screams in ecstasy in the most intense orgasm he has ever had. 

     Now for you women who absolutely refuse to give your husband a blowjob or who won’t let him come in your mouth, there is a variation of the above scenario.  You simply not only stroke those silky panties under his testicles, but you wrap the silky side of the panties around his cock and stroke them up and down his dick.  You then place the Power Tool Vibrator at the base of his dick and let him ejaculate into your panties.  He will fantasize about coming inside of you.  It will take care of his urgent need for sexual relief and is so much better than making him masturbate. You should never ever make your husband masturbate to relieve himself.  He will have a lot of resentment towards you because you are not taking care of his sexual needs. The above technique is not the best, but you should promise him that you will never ever deny him sex again, even if you have to give it to him less than what he desires.   

                             Sex During Your Period

     Now I know that many of you would never consider having sex during your period.  There is no medical reason not to have sex during your period.  There is no moral reason not to have sex during your period either.  Sex during your period in Old Testament times was forbidden due to the Jewish law of cleanness.  This was done away with in the New Testament.  About the only time to avoid sex during your period is during the first day at the heaviest flow rate.  I have had sex during my wife’s periods for years.  You simply lay a towel on the bed to catch any blood drips.  It is only a little messier than conventional sex.  In fact there is good reason to have sex during your period and before your period is because climaxes for you will naturally relieve period cramps.  You can insert a tampon and have your husband give you oral sex to achieve your climax or use our Power Tool Vibrator.  Not only will it relieve period cramps, but due to the endorphins released in your brain, it will be a great cure for your moodiness and crabbiness and PMS.

                                 ANAL SEX

     I can just hear the howls from you women now all the way down to Florida where I live.  You are screaming: “no way.”  Before you get all hot and bothered let me assure you, if it is done right you can find it very enjoyable and can even climax during this type of sex.  The reason is that your husband’s penis (dick) can hit your G spot from behind and cause you to have a powerful climax.  Anal sex is only forbidden to homosexual men in the Bible, it is not forbidden between husband and wife.  This is also another option to consider for those of you women are too squeamish to have intercourse during your period.  Let me tell you how you can do it and enjoy it as well as your husband. First of all it goes without saying that you want to be very clean before you engage in this behavior.  In fact, you should allow your husband to wash you with soap and water and use a germicidal baby wet wipe to clean  your anus (asshole).  This is most easily accomplished during a romantic shower or bath together. 

     After having him get you off 2 or 3 times during conventional oral sex, have him turn you over and have him lick your anus (asshole).  There are nerve endings in your anus (asshole) that you did not even know that you had that when stimulated are highly pleasurable and sensitive.  Then have him spread your butt cheeks and insert his tongue up your anus (asshole).  Then have him probe in and out (tongue fucking).  The sensation will blow your mind.  If you will simply relax, you will find it highly enjoyable.  I know, your mind is saying no, but your anus (asshole) will be screaming:  yes, yes, yes.  It is highly erotic, sophisticated and naughty. You will feel good about yourself if you let your inhibitions down and engage in it.  Once the foreplay has you sufficiently aroused, you take a quality water based lubricant like KY Jelly and lube up your husband’s penis (dick, cock).  He will enjoy the feeling of you stroking him with the lubricant. Then you don’t allow him to penetrate you.  You roll him over on his back and you sit astride him either facing him or facing away from him.  You then have him support his dick vertically and you very gently and  slowly sit down on him and allow your anus (asshole) to be penetrated.  You allow it to progress inside you very slowly and gently slide all the way up to the hilt taking your time.  Once you are fully penetrated, you stop and relax.  You wait for a full minute, during which time your anus (asshole) will relax.  It is imperative to not skip this step because this is what prevents you from experiencing pain.  You then start slowly moving up and down until you are comfortable with this new form of penetration.  Once you get comfortable then you can start vigorously stroking and you will be surprised how pleasurable it can be.  You don’t want him to do the stroking because he does not know how it feels to you inside.  If he strokes wrong, it can result in pain for you.  When you are controlling the penetration, rate of speed and angle of penetration, you are assured of avoiding any pain.

     If you are facing your husband, lean over and kiss him and allow your nipples to stroke his chest as you are rhythmically pumping him.  You can even lean forward and have him lick and suck your nipples.  Then turn around and sit astride him again and lower yourself back down on his penis (dick, cock).  This is great for both of you.  He can watch his penis (dick) penetrating you which is highly erotic for him.  You can have him slap you hard on your butt cheek and you will find how erotic this feels.  It will actually feel pleasurable to you.  Then you can take our Power Tool Vibrator and place it on your clitty (clitoris) while you are riding his dick (penis).  You can also at the same time stroke his balls with a pair of your silky panties.  The advantage of using the vibrator is that you are guaranteed to have multiple orgasms while you are riding him.  You can experiment with different angles of penetration.  You want the head of his penis (dick) to hit right behind your pubic bone.  This will stimulate your G spot and can likely result in a powerful mind blowing G spot orgasm.  If you achieve a G spot orgasm, you will likely have it be accompanied with a big gush release of vaginal fluid that both of you will find highly pleasurable. You could even experience a powerful squirting that you are unable to control that will give you a mind blowing climax.  So don’t be so quick to dismiss anal sex.  It is worth investing in and experimenting with. 

     You can experiment with this on your own before having your husband do it with you.  Use a vibrating dildo.  You insert it gently and very slowly getting comfortable with it. Once it is inside of you, stop and let your anus get used to having it inside and it will relax around the dildo.  You then can proceed slowly as you get comfortable with the penetration. You want to aim the end of the vibrator towards the backside of your pubic bone.  You want to stroke it slowly at first but then pick up speed and pressure.  AS you get aroused, shorten the strokes and have the end of the vibrator hit your G spot.  You will become more and more aroused.  You can achieve a mind blowing climax.

                                  Feedback In Bed

     Now we have already discussed how important it is that you talk dirty in bed sometimes to your husband.  What we have not talked about is your feedback to him in bed.  He needs not only encouragement but gentle guiding and instruction.  When he is hitting a spot very nicely, make sure that you moan your approval.  Perhaps saying oh yes, that feels really good, keep doing that, or simply:  yes, yes, yes.

     Now there are times that he is motivated but just not hitting the spot the way that you want.  For crying out loud, don’t suffer in silence but tell him:  a little higher, lower, not so hard, harder or whatever the appropriate instruction is.  He has no idea how you are feeling.  By not giving him that feedback for fear of hurting his feelings, you are lessoning your own experience.  Imagine that you had an itch on your back that you could not reach.  You ask him to scratch it and he is not in the right place.  Would you tell him oh that feels good and not get the itch scratched?  Of course you would not, so why are you so inhibited about telling him in bed what does and does not work for you.  Every woman is different and unique.  He might have had a previous lover that liked something and now he is doing the same thing to you that you don’t enjoy at all.  You need to give him feedback.  I once had a girlfriend that told me that she liked her nipples sucked really hard.  Once I left her, I mistakenly thought that all women would like this.  I find out the hard way with the next girlfriend who chastised me because she liked just the opposite.  She wanted her nipples sucked very gently.  She told me:  “I am not a cow, quit sucking on them like you are a calf!”

     When you have your husband bring you to an orgasm, SCREAM!  It will be music to his ears and make him feel like he is a great lover.  The other benefit to you is that your orgasms will be stronger.  The act of screaming greatly intensifies the sensation of your orgasm.  Why do you think that the women tennis players scream when they hit the tennis ball?  Sports physiologists have proved that you can get 20% more power by screaming or grunting.  The same thing works in the bedroom.  Now I know that some of you are saying:  “Hey, I can’t do that, I have sleeping kids in the next bedroom.”  Well yes you can.  You simply put a pillow over your face and scream into it.  The kids won’t hear you but your husband will.  It will make him and you feel good and definitely improve your sex life.

    Try my techniques with your husband and see how he responds.  If you do, don’t be surprised at how much more romantic he becomes.  You will feel better about yourself finally shedding those “little girl inhibitions” and becoming the sophisticated fully functioning woman that your husband wants.  The last thing that you want  your husband to be thinking while he is making love to you is that a previous girlfriend was so much better in the sack than you are.


Advanced Sexual Techniques For Men, Women Pay Attention as Well

April 20, 2010

     This is a rough draft chapter from my soon to be finished book.  I am looking for critique from those who read it.  I struggle with language to use.  Some say that I should only use clinical language to describe body parts.  Others say that it is too cold and too clinical for something so personal.  I am experimenting with using both in the chapter for those who want clinical terms and slang terms for the rest of us.  So please leave me constructive criticisms.  Add anything that you think that I missed and should have included.  This is an interactive piece.  The name of the book is going to be SEX EDUCATION FOR ADULTS, SECRETS TO AMAZING SEX AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER TOO!  Tell me what you think of the title as well.  I want to make this the best book out there on relationships and I truly want to help couples realize their dream of happily ever after.

    Every man worries to himself about his adequacy to satisfy a woman in bed.  Sadly, learning how to satisfy a woman largely depends upon women telling us what they like and don’t like.  Since many women are shy and unwilling to talk about their needs wants and desires in bed, we as men don’t get much reinforcement. Believe me, they do talk to their women friends and family about how good or bad you are in bed. We simply don’t learn much from our sexual encounters and continue to go on giving the women in our lives “inadequate sex”.  After talking to a lot of women about their feelings of frustration over the lousy sex that they were getting, I have compiled this report in how to literally drive a woman wild in bed and having her literally begging you to “take her.”  These techniques are “field tested and women approved”.

     One of the main complaints women have is that there is far too little foreplay by the men.  Men are in such a hurry to “get to the destination” and women want to take their time and “enjoy the journey.”  I am going to give you foreplay techniques that will literally drive women wild and begging you to take them.  The key is that you have to have the patience to follow through with these techniques.  If you do, not only will you get the sex, but you will get great sex from a woman who is hugely turned on and wanting you.

     I never understand why you guys are in such a hurry to get it done.  Sex feels good, why do you want to rush it.  Most men love to talk dirty in bed and wish that their woman would talk dirty in bed with them as well.  Well men, do you know what a woman’s favorite four letter word is; TIME.  You don’t spend enough time building sexual tension in her so that she can climax more easily.  If you take your time in foreplay and making love with her, you will find that she is much more agreeable to the things that you want her to do including talking dirty to you in bed.

    One of the best foreplay techniques, especially for a woman that you are trying to get into the sack for the first time is starting with hair brushing and then massage.  This calms a woman’s nervousness because neither one of these techniques are overtly sexual and therefore are not perceived by them as a threat or trying to get into their pants.  What they don’t know is that they will put you in complete control and have her so turned on by the end of it, that she will be pissed at you if you don’t take her.

     Let us start with hair brushing.  Tell her that women just don’t get enough “pampering” from men and on behalf of all men, you would like to make it up to her personally.  Ask her to go and get her hairbrush and come back and sit on the floor in front of you.  Have her put a cushion on the floor to sit on so that she is comfortable.  Have her lean back against your legs to take the load off of her back.  (this already establishes an intimate contact with you, that is still not perceived by her as sexual and so this will not scare her or make her “on guard”).  Trust me, she has never had her hair brushed by any other man, and so she will not be on guard, but she will also see you in a whole different light than other men that she has known.  You will be multiple “brownie points” ahead of all the other men in her life.  You want to be set apart in her mind as “completely different” and heads and tails above the rest.  The last thing that you want her thinking in her mind while you are making love with her is that a previous boyfriend did it better to her than you are doing.

     Now you spend about a good ten minutes brushing her hair slowly.  She will just go into “nirvana”.  What she does not realize is that it is releasing “endorphins” into her brain.  This predisposes her to further sensory inputs which you will provide.  Once she has entered the zone after 10 minutes of hair brushing, you put down the brush and tell her you are going to further pamper her by giving her a nice back rub which will develop into a full body massage. ( you don’t tell her that it will go to a full body rub, or it will make her nervous.  In fact the best technique is to not tell her at all,  but just take control and start massaging her.  Women like men to be self confident and in charge in the bedroom)

    You start the massage by stroking her hair and lightly scratching her scalp which is basically a continuation of the hair brushing.  Again, she does not perceive this as sexual and further relaxes and let’s her guard down.  You then massage and stroke her neck, down her shoulders and her arms.  You then proceed down her back down to her lower back.  You then just naturally go on down her butt without asking permission.  She might momentarily tense up, but you simply ignore it and proceed to massage her butt cheeks thoroughly.  You spend a good 5-8 minutes massaging her butt cheeks with a kneading motion.  You will connect with nerve endings that she did not even know that she had. These nerve endings are connected to her pussy (vagina)and her clitty(clitoris).  She will end up getting sexually aroused which will be evident by her panties getting wet.  You then go on down each leg individually massaging them thoroughly including her feet.  As you transition from her butt to her thigh, keep one hand on her butt cheek and the other on her inner thigh.  Make sure that your hand is massaging her inner thigh right next to her pussy.  The fact that your hand is so close to her pussy and that you are not actually touching her pussy will drive her wild with anticipation.  It will cause her to start desiring to have sex with you.  She will also marvel at your amazing self control because most men would have immediately tried to touch her pussy.  You then take your fingertips and start at her face and then stroke down her whole body lightly.  You go down her back, back and forth from head to foot about 3 times, and then you turn her over and do the same thing on her front.  On the last trip you stroke past her boobs and lightly over her nipples. They will get instantly erect.  You trace circles around the nipples and lightly caress her breasts.  You then continue down her body all the way down to her toes.  On the return trip back up, you stroke up both legs on her inner thighs at the same time.  As you go up her inner thighs, you slow way down to slow motion.  This builds anticipation and desire on her part and her panties will continue to get wetter.  At this time you strip her down to her bra and panties, slowly.

      Once you have her down to bra and panties continue to take your time. You then hook a finger inside the leg band of her panties and you stroke up and down without touching her pussy.  This will drive her wild with her desiring for you to stroke her pussy (vagina) or (clitoris) clitty.  You don’t, you resist the urge to touch them yet.  You stroke up and down each leg band of her panties which will hugely turn her on.  You then trace the line between her pussy lips (labia) outside of her panties back and forth several times.  She will be squirming by now.  You then bend down and place your mouth over her clitty (clitoris) and blow hot breath on her clitty (clitoris) through her panties several times.  She will continue to get extremely aroused. You then pull the crotch of her panties to the side and lick between her slit (labia) up and down several times.  She will be by now breathing heavily and thrusting against your tongue.  Now instead of sliding her panties down and off, you hook your hand inside the waistband of those panties and you in one powerful motion rip them from her body.  This will give her just a little fear but a whole lot of sexual excitement.  She now knows that she is going to be “taken” by you and she can’t wait to be taken by a real man forcefully and rough.  This technique has never failed me.  Every woman that I have ever done it to has loved it. Women like to be taken by a strong self confident man that knows what he is doing in bed.

    Now is when you really need to take charge.  You get at least a couple of pillows and place them under her butt to elevate her butt so that you can go down on her more comfortably.  You pull her legs apart roughly and spread them.  You then get your hands under her ass and squeeze her butt cheeks very firmly.  You drive your tongue into her pussy (vagina), burying it in her as deeply as you can.  You then proceed to tongue fuck her (tongue thrusting) for a couple of minutes.  You then proceed up to her clitty (clitoris) and suck it into your lips by placing a lip lock on it.  You suck it like you were sucking a thick milkshake through a straw.  It will start to engorge with blood and swell.  You keep sucking it and then start pulling on it with your lips.  You can get it to stretch outside of its foreskin or hood.  When it has swollen, give it a little clitty blow job by going up and down the shaft of her clitty (clitoris) and still sucking strongly.  She will be highly aroused by now and perhaps have even come.  You then move her tongue against her clitty like a machine gun as fast as you can.  The way to practice this is by placing your tongue against your upper lip and creating a spring tension against your lip and then you start flicking against that lip as fast as you possibly can.  Once it flicks out and hits her clitty, it is guaranteed to drive her wild and make her come.  Take your time and get her off two or three times.  Now she will literally be aching to be penetrated by you.  You can even pull the hood of her clitoris back like a male foreskin and give the machine gun tongue directly on her clitty (clitoris).  The more time that you spend getting her aroused and making her come before entering her, the more turned on she will be and having you enter her will make it much more enjoyable for her.  The more enjoyable you make it for her, the more likely she is going to say yes to your sexual overtures to her in the future.

     Now that you have made her come, get on top and again make her wait.  Take your dick in your hand and stroke between her pussy lips (labia).  She will immediately want you to thrust into her, but resist the urge.  Stroke it back and forth and then stroke it on her clitty.  Once she can’t take it any more, slowly in slow motion enter her and stop for a minute. Start stroking it in and out of her pussy (vagina).  Kiss and lick and suck on her nipples while you are doing this.  The more simultaneous stimuli that you can apply, the more turned on she will become.  Now start literally pounding your dick into her but don’t come yet.  When you get the urge to come inside her, pull out and go back down on her and get her off again.  This will give you time to relax and avoid coming and then climb back on and start fucking (making love with) her again. Using this technique, I have made love to a woman literally for two hours and given her up to 20 climaxes.  Another thing that you can do is to pull out and change positions.  This keeps it from becoming boring to the woman.  Have her get on top of you facing away and give her a vibrator and tell her to apply it to her clitty (clitoris) while riding you.  This will enable her to climax during intercourse.  This also works in the doggy position and laying side by side and entering her from the rear.  The idea is that you want to give her as many climaxes that she can have.  Most guys never want to give a woman multiple orgasms.  Believe me, the time that you invest in making her come over and over again will repay you in her being eager to make love with you any time that  you want.  Most of you do it the same old way time after time.  It is like eating macaroni and cheese 3 meals a day.  Is it any wonder that women don’t want to have sex with you very much?  Women bore easily. It is up to you to vary your approach to her if you want the sex regularly.

 Another technique developed by the pioneer sexual researchers, Masters and Johnson was to take the head of your dick and squeeze it (or have her squeeze it between the thumb and forefinger.) This will instantly kill your urge to come and yet not effect your erection.  This will enable you to continue to screw her without you coming.  If she can climax during intercourse, this will give her the time to do so.  If she can’t she will enjoy the longer intercourse time.

     Finally, after you come, don’t stop there.  She is capable of more orgasms.  My suggestion is to order a vibrator called the Hitachi Magic Wand electric vibrator.  You will have to order it online.  It is the industrial strength power tool of vibrators.  It is guaranteed to rock her world.  Take her in your arms, have her hold the vibrator on her clitty while you simultaneously suck and lick her nipples and finger fuck (rapidly inserting your finger in and out of her vagina) her pussy.  She will knock off another half a dozen climaxes in your arms.  You can also give her a G spot orgasm.  Once she is aroused, thrust your finger or two fingers in and out of her.  You don’t thrust them in all the way but only about 11/2 inches in against the roof of her pussy (vagina).  Think of how you stroke your dick when beating off.  You start slowly and build up speed and pressure where you are doing it very fast.  If she has a G spot orgasm, she will likely gush vaginal fluids or even squirt.  It is a powerful orgasm that is much stronger than a clitty (clitoral) orgasm.  You will need to hold her tightly if this happens because she will feel weak, and cold and shiver afterwards.  Wait a couple of minutes and do it again.  Once she reaches this level of arousal, she can have multiple G spot orgasms. It is your job to give them to her.

    Once she is done, now if you really want to get “brownie points” as the world’s greatest lover”, cover her with a sheet.  You then go into the bathroom and get a large beach towel and soak it in very hot water.  You then wring it out very dry and then take it in and drape it over her bare back and give her a hot towel massage.  In the process clean up between her legs.  You then cover her back up and go in and get it hot again, but this time not so hot and then roll her over and drape it over the front of her body and again massage her and clean her up.  You cover her back up with a sheet; throw the towel back into the bathroom.  You then take her favorite powder and dust down her whole body massaging it in as you go.  You then climb into bed with her and hold her in your arms and talk to her while you hold her and cuddle her. If you follow my suggestions, you will be much better than 99% of the other men out there and she will definitely want to make love with you again.  She will also rave about your performance to her girlfriends.  Good luck men.  Women if you are reading this, I suggest that you show my instructions to the man that you are sleeping with.  If you don’t currently have a man, then show it to the man who wants to make love with you..  Ask him if he is man enough to step up to the plate and pleasure you the way that you want to be pleasured.  If he pooh poohs the idea, then don’t let him have sex with you because  you are assured that you will be disappointed in his performance.


Why I Write This Blog, To Help People

April 19, 2010

                                       Why I Write This Blog

     I write this blog so as to be able to educate people to avoid common mistakes made in marriage and relationships.  Some people will question as to why I am an authority on marriage when I have been married and divorced 4 times.  That is a legitimate question.

     Each time, I have learned more about myself and relationships.  What I have also learned is that you should avoid marriage counselors like the plague.  They  have a horrendous 75% failure rate.  This is because they give you one hour once a week.  This is not nearly enough.  You just stir up feelings with no place to go after that 50 minute hour. 

     I also find that marriage counselors don’t teach you how to have good conflict resolution but are stuck on talking about feelings.  Again this is a waste of time.  What they should be doing is to help you resolve your problems.  They need to take a proactive and a mediator role telling where each partner is making mistakes and how not to repeat those mistakes.  What I can tell you is after having gone through 10 marriage counselors, I found that they were all worthless and it is in part what they learn in school as well.  I went for the same undergrad and grad schools that they did.  I find that marriage coaches are the solution to your problems.

     I also write it because our children.  We all love our children.  They too often get trapped as unwilling pawns between couples.  Judith Wallerstein has done a long term epic study on the effects of divorce on children even into adult hood.  We need to not only get along, but set a role model for our children in conflict resolution.

     Finally, people have a lot of problems with sex.  We live in a very Puritanical society when it comes to sex.  We don’t talk about it with our spouses and people tend to withdraw emotionally when the sex is bad or the relationship is bad.  Sex is the glue that holds the marriage or relationship together.  I also teach people how to have truly great sex.

     The bottom line is that I am trying to help people achieve their ultimate dream of happily ever after.  It is possible if both of you commit to each other and nurture each other.

     The last reason that I write this blog is to introduce myself to people and offer them my services.  I give a half hour free consultation and an unheard of deal in the counseling industry:  A MONEY BACK GAURANTEE!    So drop me a note and leave me your phone number and I will call you back and set up an appointment.  I care and I want to help.


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