Check Your Emotional Maturity Here

April 24, 2010

Emotional Intelligence & Emotional Maturity
Youth Fades; Immaturity Lingers © Martyn Carruthers

Would you like to benefit from our experience?

Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma? Do you suffer from your parents’ drama, your partner’s demands, your boss’s moods? Do you want to untangle your life … or help other people reclaim their freedom?

Are you Mature?

Your emotional intelligence, together with your intellectual intelligence and relationship intelligence, comprise essential parts of your life. an you assess your emotional maturity and emotional freedom?

Your every relationship is a hologram of your life. You can mask but not hide your self-awareness, your maturity, your self-control, your commitment and your integrity. In every relationship you will show how well you listen, communicate, initiate change, follow through and solve problems. In every relationship you proclaim your emotional intelligence. Emotional immaturity indicates past abuse or trauma.

Relationships expose your maturity

In every relationship action, you expose your life values and emotional intelligence. In every relationship decision, you express your communication skills, your commitment and your integrity. You cannot hide your maturity – or lack of it – for long.

Your maturity predicts your ability to monitor and manage your emotions, to assess the emotional state of others and to influence their opinions and behavior. Your emotional intelligence and emotional maturity seem to be most profoundly influenced by your relationship history and your trauma history.

What are Emotions?

Many psychological definitions of emotions seem devoid of the humanity of those people who value their emotions. Such definitions are often lists of abstractions …

Plutchik An emotion is a patterned bodily reaction of either protection, destruction, reproduction, deprivation, incorporation, rejection, exploration or orientation, or some combination of these, which is brought about by a stimulus. (Feelings & Emotions 1970)

Other definitions focus on the experience of being human.

Carruthers Emotions are sensory experiences that communicate across relationship systems. They can be distorted or dissociated according to values and beliefs. Emotions provide motivation and inspiration to retreat … or to excel (Systemic Coach manual)

Are you Emotionally Mature?

If you avoid your emotions, you may act reserved, dissociated or robot-like. If you feel but avoid expressing your emotions, you may falsify your relationships, undermine your health and delay your development. Immaturity is associated with impulsive emotions – often following child abuse and emotional incest.

You can easily estimate your emotional intelligence:

  1. Do you listen to other people’s ideas?
  2. Do you cope with unexpected change?
  3. Do you express your feelings appropriately?
  4. Do you recognize your feelings as they occur?
  5. Do you manage strong emotions and impulses?
  6. Do you act intelligently when you are under stress?
  7. Do you take responsibility for your actions and behavior?

Any “No” may indicate part of your life where you may be emotionally immature, although many people will answer “Not really” to question 6. If your stress is high enough to cause you to age-regress (whatever the cause), you may feel and act childishly or even infantile for a time, before recovering balance and sobriety. During this time, immature behavior is more likely.

If you are still responding to stress, unassimilated trauma or relationship disappointments from your childhood, you may occasionally act out your trauma – usually triggered by some reminder or transference. We help people manage strong or chronic emotions (without drugs).

Emotional Intelligence & Relationships

Your emotional maturity will be most apparent in your relationship behavior. Do you:

  • build and maintain friendships?
  • teamwork toward shared goals?
  • cooperate with your community?
  • clarify mistakes and wrong assumptions?
  • inspire your family and lead other people?
  • share responsibility for children and projects?
  • provide balance or justice when things go wrong?
  • communicate appropriately? (for the relationship type)

We help motivated adults develop their emotional maturity by clarifying difficult relationships and resolving the cause of emotional outbursts.

Youth Fades … Immaturity Lingers

Children, teenagers and some adults may need protection from childish emotions, immature behavior and impulsive decisions. We help motivated people who complain of:

1. Self-Centered
You are egocentric and selfish. You have little regard for others and you are preoccupied with your own ideas, feelings and symptoms. You deeply believe that you are somehow special. You demand constant attention, respect and sympathy (see emotional incest)

2. Uncontrolled Emotions
You express yourself in temper tantrums, prolonged pouts and rapidly changing moods. You get frustrated easily, and you over-react to perceived criticism (see relationship abuse)

3. Gratification
You want it all now. Your behavior may be superficial, thoughtless and impulsive. Your loyalty lasts only as long as a relationship seems useful. You have chaotic finances (see trauma)

4. Dependent
You are indecisive, easily influenced and you avoid responsibility for your actions. You stay in unpleasant relationships to avoid change (see passive aggressive)

Do you want to change immature behavior? Or do you prefer to continue as you are?

Emotional Intelligence & Communication

Does your emotional intelligence may change dramatically when you feel strong emotions? Do you, for example, find yourself behaving like a young child when you feel abandoned or betrayed? Left unresolved, the consequences of emotional suppression or dissociation may be disease. Typical consequences include high blood pressure, colitis, ulcers and chronic fatigue.

What do you do after you feel provoked to express your emotions? How old do you feel and act when you express strong anger, sadness or fear? How far do you age-regress? Do you:

  • Express your emotions without conscious control (like a young child)?
  • Suppress your emotionally driven behavior (like a pre-teen)?
  • Repress or dissociate your emotional experience (like a teenager)?
  • Accept, acknowledge and express your emotions (like a mature adult)?

We help people express emotions appropriately.

Emotional Intelligence & Trust

Rapport is often used to describe compliance, in which an abuser tries to influence your decisions, with sales pitches, confusing rhetoric or hypnotic language. They may say, “It’s for your own good“.

Abusive Relationships . Provocative Coaching . More on Maturity

Can people trust you with sensitive personal information? They may have trusted others and later felt betrayed or abused. Trust helps people get on with their lives, and seems essential for innovation and creativity. Trust can take years to build and seconds to destroy. The consequences of abused trust can cause lasting damage to a friendship, family, organization or government.

Trustworthiness is an essential part of emotional maturity. If people do not trust you, you may find yourself justifying every detail of every decision you make. And remember that not everybody is as mature as you. Be cautious about who you trust with important, confidential or personal information.

Emotional Intelligence & Leadership

Leadership is much more than a desire to delegate tasks. If your confidence helps orient people, and if your decisions are beneficial, and if you communicate your confidence and decisions well – people will respect you. We can coach you to be a true leader as you develop your leadership skills. For example, do you:

  1. set an example?
  2. communicate a clear visions
  3. transfer responsibility to workers?
  4. challenge people to continually learn?
  5. develop individual capability and competence?
  6. clearly describe your goals of quality performance?

The key to emotional maturity is to always respect someone, especially someone for whom you disagree.  Too many people use verbal clubs as equalizers.  We are hard wired to fight but not to peacefully resolve conflict.  Instead of verbally beating one, why not try reasoning with a person and logically and unemotionally explaining why you disagree and why you think that they are wrong speaking to them with an attitude of respect.

We should be utilizing the oriental philosophy of “saving face”.  This is an lifestyle that shows respect for your fellow man, never causing them to “lose face” or to be humiliated or embarrassed.  Isn’t that far more civilized than verbally bashing people

If you are having problems in your relationship, I can and want to help.  I offer a free half hour consultation.  I also offer a money back guarantee.  As a coach, I differ from counselors in that I work with you to resolve your problems in a short period of time rather than one hour once a week for months and talking about your feelings.  Drop me an email and I will contact you to set up an appointment on the phone or Yahoo IM


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