Check Your Emotional Maturity Here

Emotional Intelligence & Emotional Maturity
Youth Fades; Immaturity Lingers © Martyn Carruthers

Would you like to benefit from our experience?

Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma? Do you suffer from your parents’ drama, your partner’s demands, your boss’s moods? Do you want to untangle your life … or help other people reclaim their freedom?

Are you Mature?

Your emotional intelligence, together with your intellectual intelligence and relationship intelligence, comprise essential parts of your life. an you assess your emotional maturity and emotional freedom?

Your every relationship is a hologram of your life. You can mask but not hide your self-awareness, your maturity, your self-control, your commitment and your integrity. In every relationship you will show how well you listen, communicate, initiate change, follow through and solve problems. In every relationship you proclaim your emotional intelligence. Emotional immaturity indicates past abuse or trauma.

Relationships expose your maturity

In every relationship action, you expose your life values and emotional intelligence. In every relationship decision, you express your communication skills, your commitment and your integrity. You cannot hide your maturity – or lack of it – for long.

Your maturity predicts your ability to monitor and manage your emotions, to assess the emotional state of others and to influence their opinions and behavior. Your emotional intelligence and emotional maturity seem to be most profoundly influenced by your relationship history and your trauma history.

What are Emotions?

Many psychological definitions of emotions seem devoid of the humanity of those people who value their emotions. Such definitions are often lists of abstractions …

Plutchik An emotion is a patterned bodily reaction of either protection, destruction, reproduction, deprivation, incorporation, rejection, exploration or orientation, or some combination of these, which is brought about by a stimulus. (Feelings & Emotions 1970)

Other definitions focus on the experience of being human.

Carruthers Emotions are sensory experiences that communicate across relationship systems. They can be distorted or dissociated according to values and beliefs. Emotions provide motivation and inspiration to retreat … or to excel (Systemic Coach manual)

Are you Emotionally Mature?

If you avoid your emotions, you may act reserved, dissociated or robot-like. If you feel but avoid expressing your emotions, you may falsify your relationships, undermine your health and delay your development. Immaturity is associated with impulsive emotions – often following child abuse and emotional incest.

You can easily estimate your emotional intelligence:

  1. Do you listen to other people’s ideas?
  2. Do you cope with unexpected change?
  3. Do you express your feelings appropriately?
  4. Do you recognize your feelings as they occur?
  5. Do you manage strong emotions and impulses?
  6. Do you act intelligently when you are under stress?
  7. Do you take responsibility for your actions and behavior?

Any “No” may indicate part of your life where you may be emotionally immature, although many people will answer “Not really” to question 6. If your stress is high enough to cause you to age-regress (whatever the cause), you may feel and act childishly or even infantile for a time, before recovering balance and sobriety. During this time, immature behavior is more likely.

If you are still responding to stress, unassimilated trauma or relationship disappointments from your childhood, you may occasionally act out your trauma – usually triggered by some reminder or transference. We help people manage strong or chronic emotions (without drugs).

Emotional Intelligence & Relationships

Your emotional maturity will be most apparent in your relationship behavior. Do you:

  • build and maintain friendships?
  • teamwork toward shared goals?
  • cooperate with your community?
  • clarify mistakes and wrong assumptions?
  • inspire your family and lead other people?
  • share responsibility for children and projects?
  • provide balance or justice when things go wrong?
  • communicate appropriately? (for the relationship type)

We help motivated adults develop their emotional maturity by clarifying difficult relationships and resolving the cause of emotional outbursts.

Youth Fades … Immaturity Lingers

Children, teenagers and some adults may need protection from childish emotions, immature behavior and impulsive decisions. We help motivated people who complain of:

1. Self-Centered
You are egocentric and selfish. You have little regard for others and you are preoccupied with your own ideas, feelings and symptoms. You deeply believe that you are somehow special. You demand constant attention, respect and sympathy (see emotional incest)

2. Uncontrolled Emotions
You express yourself in temper tantrums, prolonged pouts and rapidly changing moods. You get frustrated easily, and you over-react to perceived criticism (see relationship abuse)

3. Gratification
You want it all now. Your behavior may be superficial, thoughtless and impulsive. Your loyalty lasts only as long as a relationship seems useful. You have chaotic finances (see trauma)

4. Dependent
You are indecisive, easily influenced and you avoid responsibility for your actions. You stay in unpleasant relationships to avoid change (see passive aggressive)

Do you want to change immature behavior? Or do you prefer to continue as you are?

Emotional Intelligence & Communication

Does your emotional intelligence may change dramatically when you feel strong emotions? Do you, for example, find yourself behaving like a young child when you feel abandoned or betrayed? Left unresolved, the consequences of emotional suppression or dissociation may be disease. Typical consequences include high blood pressure, colitis, ulcers and chronic fatigue.

What do you do after you feel provoked to express your emotions? How old do you feel and act when you express strong anger, sadness or fear? How far do you age-regress? Do you:

  • Express your emotions without conscious control (like a young child)?
  • Suppress your emotionally driven behavior (like a pre-teen)?
  • Repress or dissociate your emotional experience (like a teenager)?
  • Accept, acknowledge and express your emotions (like a mature adult)?

We help people express emotions appropriately.

Emotional Intelligence & Trust

Rapport is often used to describe compliance, in which an abuser tries to influence your decisions, with sales pitches, confusing rhetoric or hypnotic language. They may say, “It’s for your own good“.

Abusive Relationships . Provocative Coaching . More on Maturity

Can people trust you with sensitive personal information? They may have trusted others and later felt betrayed or abused. Trust helps people get on with their lives, and seems essential for innovation and creativity. Trust can take years to build and seconds to destroy. The consequences of abused trust can cause lasting damage to a friendship, family, organization or government.

Trustworthiness is an essential part of emotional maturity. If people do not trust you, you may find yourself justifying every detail of every decision you make. And remember that not everybody is as mature as you. Be cautious about who you trust with important, confidential or personal information.

Emotional Intelligence & Leadership

Leadership is much more than a desire to delegate tasks. If your confidence helps orient people, and if your decisions are beneficial, and if you communicate your confidence and decisions well – people will respect you. We can coach you to be a true leader as you develop your leadership skills. For example, do you:

  1. set an example?
  2. communicate a clear visions
  3. transfer responsibility to workers?
  4. challenge people to continually learn?
  5. develop individual capability and competence?
  6. clearly describe your goals of quality performance?

The key to emotional maturity is to always respect someone, especially someone for whom you disagree.  Too many people use verbal clubs as equalizers.  We are hard wired to fight but not to peacefully resolve conflict.  Instead of verbally beating one, why not try reasoning with a person and logically and unemotionally explaining why you disagree and why you think that they are wrong speaking to them with an attitude of respect.

We should be utilizing the oriental philosophy of “saving face”.  This is an lifestyle that shows respect for your fellow man, never causing them to “lose face” or to be humiliated or embarrassed.  Isn’t that far more civilized than verbally bashing people

If you are having problems in your relationship, I can and want to help.  I offer a free half hour consultation.  I also offer a money back guarantee.  As a coach, I differ from counselors in that I work with you to resolve your problems in a short period of time rather than one hour once a week for months and talking about your feelings.  Drop me an email and I will contact you to set up an appointment on the phone or Yahoo IM

12 Responses to Check Your Emotional Maturity Here

  1. aquatella says:

    This is a respectful post. It is essential to understand that the majority of our problems with others are in ourselves.

  2. ed says:

    you are clear and consise and your vision of relationship dynamics is way above average.

    • Hey Ed: Here is the reaction from another blog I vistited recently. It demonstrates how many women are truyly conflicted about their sexuality and how few people understand conflict resolution skills. Read it if you have time. Blesssings on you and yours John Wilder visuals.community confessions April 26, 2010 by tam .ran across this write up on men confessing 10 annoying things women do. thought it was very interesting. and i must admit…i am guilty of some on this list. and here ya go – what the men have to say… 10. Pretend to be virtuous – “women should stop trying to water down their past. Women are allowed to have just as much fun as guys, and they should find a man who can appreciate that.” 9. Criticize other women – “Why is it that many women can’t make a simple compliment toward another woman?” 8. Act jealous – “…when another female enters the equation in any way, shape or form, she tenses up. If you’ve given her reason to doubt you, then her paranoia is likely justified.” 7. Become needy – “They turn men into their emotional crutch and look to us for moral, mental and emotional support.” 6. Speak in code – “They hurtle obscure, theoretical questions at us that, according to them, we’re supposed to know the answers to” 5. Invade our personal space – “Women have this instinctive tic that makes them want to groom us anytime they want and make our personal belongings theirs.” 4. Become too emotional – “It’s not that we’re insensitive, but aside from saying, “There there, sweetie,” we don’t know the first thing about comforting a woman” 3. Shop till they drop – “what’s worse is that they have to take us along for the ride” 2. Talk incessantly – “it’s just that we don’t need to hear every minute detail” 1. Use sex as a weapon – “Oftentimes most women, in an effort to show their superiority, will attack men’s universal weak spot: sex. And while I applaud them for this gutsy tactic, they really should leave the basic human needs alone, don’t you think?” ****************************************************************** what do you say men? you concur? would you add any? women…how do you feel about this list? .from → Love, Relationships, Women, community confessions, men 196 Responses leave one → April 26, 2010 Eddy permalink I can agree with that list from the point of view that this seems to be the generalised view of society. Personally though I have to admit that I haven’t experienced or been the ‘victim’ of all of those… Mrs Eddy is a wonderful woman who I share an amazing relationship with. I’d have to say that out of that list we only really experience no 6. In fact in all honesty I’d have to say that I’m more guilty of no’s 5 & 2 than my wife is… dunno what that says about me… wait, dont answer that please Reply .April 26, 2010 brandy permalink I’m guilty of all of these on one level or another. My biggest issues were with numbers 10 and 1 though. #10. I tried to be the opposite, very OPEN and HONEST about EVERYTHING…. and Jake eventually cut me off and said “I don’t need to know it all, it will only upset me.” So it was left at that. Not sure what to think about that. It bothered me awhile, but 9 years later and I don’t even think twice about. #1. Basic human needs? Suuuuure. I could go on and on and on and on and… on…about this one. Like, bring out the Tom Cruise lawyer in A Few Good Men out in me. I’ll just leave it at this though… Men, take care of OUR basic human needs, and we’ll take care of yours. And ours have very little to do with sex. Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink “Men, take care of OUR basic human needs, and we’ll take care of yours. ” yes….relationships are reciprocal. it has to go both ways. Reply .April 27, 2010 Joshua permalink “Men, take care of OUR basic human needs, and we’ll take care of yours.” Lies. I want sex AND a pie baked at the same time. Show me a woman who can do THAT. Reply April 28, 2010 brandy permalink HAHAHAHA!!!! Reply …April 26, 2010 Eddy permalink Now that I think more about it, I’d say that I see those behaviours at work a fair bit from the women there. I’m one of only 5 men in my office of 35 and the only bloke in my team, so I spend a lot of time listening to them. I’d have to say that on a daily basis I hear every one of those on the list to varying degrees. Being the kind of guy I am I usually stay out of it until asked for my opinion, which happens fairly often as they seem to want a ‘male perspective’ on their situation… most of the time I end up telling them to stop doing at least one of those items on the list… So yes, I would agree with that list and hazard to say that women know about the list but couldn’t really be bothered with not doing it… IMHO anyway Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink oh bless your heart! seriously…not even *I* could handle working with all those women. God speed, friend. Reply ..April 26, 2010 Bethany Smith permalink ShaazAAAM. I knew it. I’m practically perfect in every way. Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink HOLLA!!! Reply ..April 26, 2010 Jacklyn Johnston permalink This is funny cause it can be true…hmmm…does that make it sad? I’m surprised, “Say nothing’s wrong when it is” isn’t on there. That’s the one I get in trouble for. Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink ha! im guilty of that one this week. but some times…i just dont want to talk about it when asked. Reply ..April 26, 2010 Prudence permalink I’m a chick and see these as annoyances. There are some I know I do and others I know I don’t. Gives me guidelines on how to be. Oh wait there is already instructions out there for that (the Bible). Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink i love this comment! amen… Reply .April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink You are so right Prudence. The bible actually has a lot of positive things to say about our sex life including recommending that we have a great sex life. You will never see that taught in churhes or sunday school. I have a chpater in my soon to be finished book about sex and the bible. The bible also gives very clear directions for the husbands and wives and their proper roles. The bible actaully is a great book of practical applied pscychology. Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply ..April 26, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Expecting men to be mind readers. Women mistakenly believe that if we love you we should know what you thin,k, feel and need at that particular moment. Whenever a man says anything remotely critical about the woman, she must immediatley go on the attack and verbally brutalize the man so he gets the message that he must never ever do that again, although it is perfectly all right and her right to critique the man. Fails to realize that man’s number one need is respect. He needs her to be his biggest cheerleader not his biggest critic. Fails to wear lacy frilly lingerie for the guy but persists in wearing deeadly dull white nylon panties with no lace and utiltiatrian bras and heaven forbid that she actually wear a sexy nighty every night. Just saying Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink are these issues in your own marriage or things you see in your practice? Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink These are common problems I face in my pracice with couples. You started quite a vigorous post. Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink its a great list from men. i thought some of it was funny, some was quite serious. however…in all the comments…yours seem to be the most intense. you must face a lot of issues where women are heavily to blame. at least….thats what your written word here seems to imply. and not all women are as you describe. i assure you. but i do know it only takes a few nasty ones to ruin the opinion of the whole lot Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink I don’t mean to demean all women. But there is a siginificant percentage who do. Lack of respect is the biggest problem that women have for their men. This is exhibited in many ways, putting him down, critiquing him harshly, with holding sex, putting him down for his sexuality, refusing to wear frilly lingerie for their guy. Talking about him behind his back to relatives and girlfriends. I realize that you meant for this to be a humorous post. I am involved with couples who are locked in dysfuctioin. The problem is that they choose to get divorced and the kids are severely damaged as a result. We have a 50% divorce rate so there are signicant numbers of women who have problems. What women fail to realize is that men are not proactive in general in relationships, they are reactive. In other words women reap what they sew. If they are respectful to their guys, give them sex willingly and lovingly try to please him, the guy will break his back to take care of his woman. When she doesn’t he becomes distant emotionally, sort of like the turtle pulling his head back in his shell. Bottom line is that the success or failure of a marriage is largely up to the woman in that marriage. Women file for divorce at a rate of 2-1 over men. Feminists are their own worst enemy. I know that I came across as heavy handed and serious, but consider my words as a cautionary tale. Believe it or not I do have a sense of humor. Blessings on all who have commented on here. John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 Tony York permalink My apologies that I don’t know you or your line of work… but I have to point out one unfair statement: “Bottom line is that the success or failure of a marriage is largely up to the woman in that marriage. ” I don’t know how one would go about qualifying this but the statement that follows it where you say “Women file for divorce at a rate of 2-1 over men” isn’t really a support that women are at fault more for failed marriages. It just says that women file for divorce more than men. ( I am assuming that those stats come from a source that has done a good job of research.) My understanding of marriage is that it takes two. I understand that there are extreme cases where abuse or other dangerous circumstances can place fault more on one or the other spouse but I think those would fall into a minority of the reasons that people divorce. The majority of reasons would allow for equal fault in the dissolution of the marriage. I don’t mean to be disagreeable… but at the same time, marriage is an important topic and while we can enjoy humor at the expense of those tough things that relationships create, we should be careful to not undermine the importance of either role in the institution that God ordained. Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Well you are spot on that women file for divorce more often does not prove anything, it was meant as an aside remark. I don’t mean to just pick on women. I also take on men for their failings. What I meant is that while marriage is a 50-50 deal, the success or failure of the marriage is largely up to the woman. It is just that men are hard wired differently than women. We are reactive in the marriage more than we are proactive. I have a whole list of things that men do wrong in marriages so I don’t want you to think that I am misogynisitic. My profession is that of a marriage and sexual coach. It is like a marriage counselor only different. Traditional marriage counselors have a horrendous failure rate of 75%. This is large part to one hour once a week. The other reason is that marriage counselors tend not to be directive, but concentrated on talking about your feelings rather than resolving problems. Marriage coaches are proactive, take charge mediators who tell both sides where they are going wrong and give positive direciton on how to fix it iin order to resolve problems in a short term couple of weeks instead of months of marriage counseling I hope that satisifes your concerns. Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 Tony York permalink Thanks John for the follow-up. I appreciate the care you have given to your response. I don’t know if your practice is based on biblical precepts. If not, that may be why there is confusion on the perception of your response. Biblically speaking, God gave Eve to Adam as both a help-mate and a companion. Instruction in the New Testament tells the husband that the wife is to be loved like Christ loved the church. If we study Christ’s example we can see a very proactive approach to that love. I agree with you completely that women and men are hard-wired differently. That is why both are equally responsible for responding to those differences. Women crave love and men crave respect (generally speaking). Both must be willing to get out of their comfort zones to show actionable love to the other spouse. To place the responsibility more on the wife is to disregard the God given command for men to take care of their families. I believe a wise man once said that difference doesn’t mean inequality. I apologize if I have misunderstood your approach to this topic. And I commend you on your desire to help men and women work through the tough issues that they face in their marriage. Peace and Grace. Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Hey Tony: I could not agree with you more. I am cautious about introducing scripture in blogs because of the unsaved backlash. Both my book and my practice are based in biblical principles. Again, I am not bashing women, I am pointing out how some women sabotage their relationships. Let me give you an example of a couple that I coached. The woman was a professing Christian but bullied the husband by screaming, throwing temper tantrums and cursing him out saying things like f**k you and taking the Lord’s name in vain every time that she got angry which was on a frequent basis. She once broke her own finger repeatedly slamming a door harder and harder to satisfy her temper tantrum. The husband admirably did not hit her and prayed and fasted for the Holy S;pirit to heal her. He ended up crying on my shoulder in a private session. His sole sin was not making enough money so that the woman could stay home with her kids. I could not reach her and she left coaching once I pointed out her sinful ways to her. They got divorced and she did the same thing with subsequent husband. So I see a lot of dysfunctional women, which perhaps none of you are on here. What I am trying to demonstrate is that it is imperative to show respect for men and a lot of women don’t. If she is not showing respect, you can’t lead her to, all you get is more disrespect and men give up in frustration. I am not in any way trying to endanger any bodies safety and safe harbor. I am trying to help people from making common mistakes. Had this post been about men, I would have a lot to say about what men do wrong. I am not saying that it is all women’s fault, I am trying to show how they make mistakes that do damage to their relationships. Brent this was also directed at you. Perhaps you could see since y0u are a Christian that the job of the church and the pastor is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. I got out of being a minister preaching the word and instead decideed to apply scriptural principles to try and help couples from divorcing. The main reason that I do it is because kids are being victimized and there is tremendous damage done to our kids when we get divorced and y0u know what Christ said about that. So if I step on some toes, I am sorry, but the biblee says: To them that know to do right and doeth it not, to him it is sin. I am attempting to do right on here. Blessings on your and yours. John Wilder Reply ….April 27, 2010 Heidi permalink RECIPROCAL! Reply April 27, 2010 Heidi permalink Tony, My apologies. Reciprocal is for John not you. We just commented at the same time Reply ….April 27, 2010 tam permalink “What I meant is that while marriage is a 50-50 deal, the success or failure of the marriage is largely up to the woman.” then its not 50/50. therein lies a big problem. cause if the majority of the ‘work’ lies in the womans court and she is not meeting the expectations of the man then she is to blame. doesnt seem very balanced. or 50/50. its important for each in the relationship to communicate openly and clearly. imo, that is the biggest weakness in marriages…a lack of communication. and each has to be willing to work on their own stuff. we know its there. man up, woman up, and get to work on it. Reply April 27, 2010 Heidi permalink AMEN!! AMEN!!!(in tears) exactly what my heart is saying today, but just cannot get it out. Reply ….April 27, 2010 brandy permalink what I can’t get over is the emphasis on wearing a “frilly nighty.” DANG! Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Brandy, men are visual creatures and are vsiually stimulated. Seeing their wives in frilly stuff is a desire in men. Too many women pooh this desire and do what they want, again not respecting the man. Blessings on you and yours. John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 brandy permalink Dude, I’m not saying NOT to wear it, but you act as though women aren’t worthy if they don’t. Why don’t you try preaching “respect the woman” as well and recognize that not every night is going to be frills and lace. I didn’t get married to be on tap or display 24/7….neither did I get married to completely shut that off either. There is a healthy balance. What you teach is not a healthy balance. Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Brandy You can do anything that you want to. It is your life. Here is a suggestion ask your husband and assure him that you won’t get mad at his answer and ask him if he would like it if you wore something frilly to bed at night regardless of whether or not you are going to make love. I suspect I know what the answer is but I could be wrong. My question to you is why would you deprive your husband of something that he likes and desires if you love him. Does it hurt you? Doctor Laura Schlesinger says that the number one reason for divorce is becoming self centered. Blessings John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 brandy permalink Well I agree with you that becoming self centered leads to divorce…so how about not being so self centered about proclaiming that women should meet the visual needs of a man every night by wearing a sexy nightgown. Assume all you want, my husband would rather see me in sweatpants and his old t-shirt. thankyouverymuch. Not all men have the same thoughts on that, despite your opinion. Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Then by all means wear what he likes. You are very angry, hostile and defensive over my suggestion tha women wear what their husbands like. It shows him respect and your love for him to wear what he likes. The vast majority of men like lacy and frilly. If you husband is different so be it. Too many women have the fantasy about happily ever after without ever giving a thought about what that looks like to the guy in the relationship. I can tell y0u that the vast majority of men if they had their way, their wives would wear lacy and frily lingerie every day. It was a positive suggestion. Why do you feel the need to put me down over it? I have not spoken to you in a hostile tone. Blessings on you John Wilder Reply ..April 27, 2010 katiekrongard permalink John, I think what your missing is that marriage takes 2 people. To say that women are disrespecting their husbands by not wearing frills and lace is absurd. My husband and I have a clear understanding of what our needs are. Where he needs me physically, I need him emotionally. Its a 2 way street. He can’t expect me to meet his needs if I feel neglected and visa versa. Your comments seem to indicate that women are here to serve man, and that is our sole purpose. I think you need to broaden your scope a bit and consider that women have needs and feelings too. I know that marriages fail, and I recognize that there are issues there, but your broad accusations and conclusions are a bit alarming. Reply ..April 27, 2010 eloranicole permalink Brandy, I’m with you girl. There is nothing I love more than perusing the “frilly” aisle for my love. But. Some days it just doesn’t happen. My husband is okay with that – I still respect him. I still meet his needs. But respecting and meeting one’s needs does not equal sleeping in a teddy every night. Reply April 28, 2010 brandy permalink THANK YOU! AMen to that! Reply April 28, 2010 Sarah Cole permalink Why has no one mentioned that most of the time the “frills and lace” are just downright uncomfortable not just to wear but sleep in??? If i was married I’d hopefully be with a man that desired my comfort??? Reply …….April 26, 2010 moweezle permalink We’re women, its what we do!!! lol If we don’t do these things we become MEN! hehehehehe Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink I know that you are trying to be funny, but the needs that I speak about are real and too many women take to lightly to their own detriment. Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink john – i dont think mo was responding to you. Reply ..April 27, 2010 tam permalink mo – that was funny! Reply ..April 27, 2010 TheNorEaster permalink 10. Men may get insecure about the relationship if they know too much about a woman’s past. 9. A message to women: Stop doing that. 8. And that. 7. “Needy” bis not requiring moral, mental, or emotional support — everybody needs thatt at some point, including men (even though we act like we don’t). “Needy” is using men as a doormat or a garbage can. 6. Confession: As a writer, this has always fascinated me. 5. I come from rock ‘n’ roll, which never needs a good grooming. 4. A message to men: Listen. When a woman speaks, it is because she wants the man to listen — not to solve her problems for her or hear how “right” we are all the time. 3. I once knew a man who argued with his girlfriend for 45 minutes in the parking lot of a store because he knew tthat if he went in with her then she would shop for two hours. After 45 minutes, she shopped for 10 minutes and came out. So he saved an hour and five minutes by arguing for 45 minutes. The moral of the story: Ladies, please believe us when we say we don’t want to go shopping. 2. This is why I love shutting my hearing aids. Bah ha ha ha ha ha!!!! 1. I have an immunity to this trait; it is the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac to me. The instant I sense a woman trying to do that to me, any attraction I may have had toward her vanishes instantly. And it has confounded more than one woman, I must say. Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink i love your #4. Reply ..April 27, 2010 TheNorEaster permalink 2A. Shutting off** (Stupid Blackberry! ) Reply .April 27, 2010 Jason permalink That list looks pretty solid to me. Especially that last one…once you make it a weapon then you’ve lost a ton of respect in my eyes. Something that’s supposed to be special between a husband and wife then becomes nothing more than a carrot on a stick. I’d add another one… a need to make themselves center of attention when you’re focused on something else. If we (guys) are working on some project and it’s obvious we’re intently pushing to get it done then don’t walk in and start talking about your hair or call us about your lunch if you’re not inviting us to it. It’s not that we don’t care but when we’re working our jobs we have to focus and provide for you. Talk to us when our work day is over about something that’s not a true emergency. Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink i actually saw another article about women having to be the center of attention. i wonder if, in some of those instances, its because the man doesnt split hos time up fairly. maybe priorities are out of whack. either way…im sure both would have things they need to work on in that case. Reply April 27, 2010 Tony York permalink I am not sure about other men and the relationships that they have with their wives, but I can tell you for sure that no matter how fairly I were to split time up for my ‘hos’ that I would still be in the dog house. Sorry I couldn’t let the typo go without making some comment. Call it a character flaw. Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink ahahahaha!!!! ‘hos’ omaword. what a great typo. and well used in your reply Reply ..April 27, 2010 Jason permalink I’m not saying guys may not have their priorities out of whack…many do. It’s just if your guy works 9-5, you know he works 9-5 and he’s home after that you don’t need to call him at 2 to let him know you just had your hair cut. Reply …April 27, 2010 Maranda permalink Well, most of the things on that list are things that women are inclined to do. However, maybe it’s just me, but I find the differences between men and women fascinating and challenging. It is something for a husband and wife to work out together. Believe me, women could write a list about men. Maybe everyone should accept his or her own weaknesses and those of their spouse and work them out TOGETHER instead of just complaining about their spouses weaknesses and pretending they don’t have any. Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Maranda: I agree that couples should work on them together. And yes, I am quite sure that women have their own list about men. This one was about women and posted by a woman. In my practice, I teach couples to resolve conflicts peacefully by collaboritively solving problems. I teach them to ask questions like: “In what way can we resolve this” Women make the mistake of berating a guy for his jerkiness. This attacks a man at his core. Respect is way more important to him than sex and you know how us guys value sex. When a woman continues to berate the man, it triggers the Fight or Flight response which dumps huge amounts of adrenaline in his system. He usually warns a woman who many times does not heed the warning until the man explodes and sometimes hits her. There is not one single problem that is better resolved by talking peacefully with your spouse said with an attitude of respect. You have no more right to verbally assault your man than he does to physically assault you. In the far east they practice the philosopy of “face”. You would not think of doing or saying anything that would cause embarrassment or humiliation or “losing face”. We in the western world are far more aggressive and need to learn the art of saving face. Too many feminsts want to “rip of a guy’s face who disagrees with her”. Feminists seem to want to adopt the worst characteristics of being a guy and demonstrate that they too can be a guy and be ferocious. Post feminists like Christina Hoff Summers says that the misandry displayed by feminists causes a backlash towards women in general and feminists in particular. Okay I am done with my rant now. I feel better. Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 Maranda permalink John, I do know that respect is very important to men. I don’t believe that I do berate my husband and I try very hard to be encouraging and supportive of him. In fact he always says I’m the most encouraging person he knows. I’m not sure how I insinuated that I think disrespect is ok, but I am truly sorry if I did so. In fact, I’m not at all sure what inspired your “rant” as you called it. I guess women do speak in mysteries. I honestly believe everything you just said and I believed it before I wrote my comment too. Maranda Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink i thought your original comment was just fine, maranda. Reply April 27, 2010 brandy permalink agreed Reply ..April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Maranda: The feminist comments were not meant to be directed at you. I had to get that off of my chest. I have been verbally assaulted by a bunch of feminists recently. What prompted the rant was the comment about pretending that they don’t have a fault. That is the number one complaint about women by men, is that they don’t make it safe for the man to be honest and truthful about his feelings, especially if it is anything negative about the woman. Women tend to go on the attack when this happens. If you don’t practice disrespect with your husband, I say kudos to you. You are a minority. Women have no problems critiquing the man as a previous poster commented that is what women do and laughing it off. Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 brent(inWorship) permalink OK, Ive stayed quiet long enough… Tammy has encouraged a place of safety and comfort here on her blog. She has encouraged truth and honesty. She has encouraged people to seek and has opened a place of healing. John, all Im getting from you is Women suck and buy my book. John, this post is not about you and Id appreciate it if you stopped “attempting” to counsel and have answers for everyone here. I think you need to step back, take a breath and allow people the ability to enjoy this conversation. John, I am sure you are a great guy, but I dont believe your presence here is encouraging any type of safety or healing. Blessings… Reply April 27, 2010 eloranicole permalink thank you, Brent. Reply .April 28, 2010 JennyRain permalink And herein is why I dig Brent thanks for cutting thru all of the psycho-babble “advice” and getting to the heart of the issue. Reply ……April 27, 2010 Tony York permalink Some of my most urgent and persistent prayers have come from aisle 9 between the toilet paper and Styrofoam cups. “Please make the bad lady stop…” In all seriousness. Here are three things that get to me. Extreme statements: “You NEVER ______ ” fill in the blank. Getting Historical: We have already played that broken record and it doesn’t sound any better this go around. Why don’t we find a new song to sing? Comparison: It doesn’t help the man to be motivated by telling him he doesn’t measure up to so-and-so in any given area. Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink i agree with all 3. for sure! Reply .April 27, 2010 Jason permalink Good ones Tony. Reply ..April 27, 2010 bajanpoet permalink 6. – I KNEW it … u women DO speak in mysteries…. maybe I should ask the Lord to be the revealer of the dark sayings….. 5. My wife does this all the time.. picking at my skin…. I keep telling her that we’re not monkeys, and that she’d be cursed by every dermatologist on the planet! 2. Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk some more… Can I get a MUTE button installed as an upgrade on my wife’s chassis? Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink im gonna call you ‘monkey boy’ now. Reply April 27, 2010 bajanpoet permalink Don’t u dare! ROFL Reply …April 27, 2010 tam permalink women….your post is coming soon. Reply .April 27, 2010 TheNorEaster permalink Brent: You took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you! Reply .April 27, 2010 TheNorEaster permalink “…women suck and buy my book!” Sorry. Still laughing…absolute classic there! Couldn’t have said it better myself…but, man, my stomach hurts from laughing and I got tears in my eyes…!!! Oh, geez! Man, I needed a good laugh. (On the bright side: 5% of anyone who ever starts a book actually finish it. And only 5% of that 5% actually get published. So who knows, maybe nobody will ever have the chance to buy it.) Reply April 27, 2010 brent(inWorship) permalink Reply .April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink I am really trying to help here noreaster, why would you make mocking comments dripping with condescension? I have given people tips on avoiding making common mistakes based upon my work. I see the devastation every day. The disrespect is not desrved or appreciated. I did not suggest that anybody buy my book I was refrring to the Sex and The Bible chapter because the church does a lousy job at teaching the positves in the Bible about sex. All you get in church is a bunch of thou shalt nots. Blessings John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 Joshua permalink “I am really trying to help here noreaster, why would you make mocking comments dripping with condescension?” I wanted to type here: “because you’re a doofus,” but I decided I’d be nice and just say… well, no… nevermind. Reply .April 28, 2010 JennyRain permalink John – just some observations… as you are a counselor and we counselors are always in the business of wanting to learn how to do what we do better, yes? if not… disregard the following 1 – Perhaps your tone comes across a bit belittling. your one-liners of “its the woman’s fault” come across as highly critical. For the folks who come here to try and be “in community” and “do life” as “imperfect folks”, it hurts truthfully, and its a gross over-generalization from the cases you have dealt with. You have a random sampling of couples – not the whole pie. 2 – at times you come across a bit more sexist perhaps than you are intending? Now, you being a brother in Christ, do I think that is your intention? NO. You being a counselor, do I think that is your intention? NO. Absolutely not. I know your charge is to help, not hurt. However, to say to a woman, “honey you need to put something frilly on” – while it may be a valid and wholesome comment – is UNBELIEVABLY demeaning. Wow. Perhaps a better way to say it might be this, “Men are visually stimulated. Keeping that in mind, as a way to show love/respect to your husband, what does he like that you wear? What do you wear that makes you feel pretty? could wearing that special T-shirt or skirt or nightgown or pair of cute sweatpants be something that you could do for him to encourage him?” Say something that VALIDATES the woman’s personhood instead of demeans it… because your frilly comment sounds like this, “You as a woman are not AS important as the frills you wear.” and I don’t think that is your intention, right? 3 – not sure how to say this without sounding confrontational so bear with me as I find the words… in my experience, I have seen a LOT of counselors who go into counseling to fix their own “stuff.” Your initial post sounded extremely vitriolic (whether you meant it to or not). If you have internal “stuff” that God is working on (which we ALL do – I do, you do, I definitely do, we all do)… let God work on it PRIOR to attempting to help others. If you don’t have awareness of your own “stuff”, you WILL poison the helping event. I am not saying you have “stuff” to work on, just asking you to search your heart – if there is past baggage, the greatest gift you can give to your clients is taking responsibility for some of what is motivating you to be soooooooo impassioned about sharing that CERTAIN things are the RIGHT way and other things are the WRONG way. In counseling… things are rarely “one way”… yet, your posts are very emphatic that they MUST be a certain way. THAT alone would concern me if I was your client… So… again, just my observations… take them or leave them…from one broken traveler to another Reply …April 27, 2010 cathi permalink Re#5….What personal space???? You lost that at “I do” A little advice but only if you want it… Smile. A lot. At each other. In the eyes. You’ll strengthen that “universal weak spot”. Promise. p.s…don’t get me started on aforementioned “rants”. Reply April 27, 2010 eloranicole permalink “What personal space? You lost that at ‘I do’” Girl. YES. love this. (and i also love the advice – i adore my husband’s smile…even more so when he’s smiling at ME) Reply ..April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Hey Tam: I have a suggestion. How about you women doing a 10 list on things that guys do wrong and I will concentrate on guys problems. It is only fair that guys take their fair share. I truly believe in equality. Blessings on you and yours Jonn Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 brandy permalink Here’s one wife’s perspective on that…. I wouldn’t want you telling my husband all that he does wrong if it’s anywhere near the same tone with which you are telling women what they do wrong sexually, or otherwise. I checked out your blog (against wise advice and my own better judgement) and here are my thoughts on that…. which I can only guess is the same “knowledge” that is fueling your comments here….. As a woman, if I sat across from someone who was supposed to help me, and he was telling me that stuff…I’d be feeling pretty badly about myself and always question whether my husband loved ME, or the lace I was wearing, or the sexual acrobats I was probably failing at. Good grief. And how about no respect whatsoever for the act of sex in a marriage only? and addressing it in a more reverant manner than using nasty slang that really should be discussed between a husband and wife, and not on a BLOG for crying out loud. :- So no, I wouldn’t want my husband to have to hear detrimental advice that would most likely make him feel less than. I understand that you probably truly think this is helpful, but there is definately a better way to go about helping people than what has been shown here today. Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink In other words I should not tell anybody that they are doing anything wrong. That is the difference between coaching and counseling. Counseling never tells you that you are doing anything wrong, they just talk about feelings. Traditional marriage counselors have a 75% failure rate. Coaches have a 75% success rate because they are proactive, tell both sides where they are screwing up and how to do it better to improve the relationship. It is more direct and sometimes harder to hear but it works vastly better than traditional counseling. Best Wishes John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 brandy permalink I have the mental image of Susan Powter screaming “STOP THE INSANITY!” Reply .April 27, 2010 tam permalink it really seems like, here and on your blog, that you see women as ‘objects’. im a bit put off by this, john. women wearing lace all the time, every night, having sex on their periods (cuz that falls under the every night rule)….i think i read where you even suggested that when a woman does not have sex it is likened to an affair – cuz she is not holding up her part of the wedding vows? i believe i am a very gracious wife. i am loving, supportive and giving , in our marriage. i have a very healthy perspective on all this, even with a great deal of sexual abuse as a child. but when i perused your blog earlier i was deeply put off by it. with all due respect…i could never imagine referring a woman to you for coaching. we have enough self esteem issues already. so to sit there and be told we have to be “on” all the time. mmmnope. i failed to see a place where you addressed the men and possible reasons why their women arent doing them every 8.3 seconds. it mostly seems to be a fault of the female. very interesting views you have there, john. Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Well you did not get very far in my blog. I repeatedly take on men for their chauvinism and lack of respect for women and their self centerdness in bed. I take on guys for not loving their wives for as Christ loved the church. I had earlier suggested that you change the subject to what men do wrong and I would gladly change gears. I feel like I am now being constantly attacked. I have been gracious in the face of insults. Another woman on here posted 1 Cor 7 which says that women don’t have the right to say no to sex with their husband NOR DOES THE HUSBAND HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO TO HIS WIFE. Proverbs 5 says “let her be as a loving hind and a pleasant roe, let her breasts satisfy thee at ALL TIMES and be ravished always in her love. In the old testament God allowed for multiple wives nad concubines, (an alternative wife bordering just above a slave.) concubines fulfilled the man’s sexual desire when the primary wife turned him down. This was all turned around in Proverbs 31 where the wife was now required to satisfy all of the man’s sexual desires and he had to have only one wife. This is what the bible says I am just sharing the message. Of the several thousand p;eople who have read my posts about sex, not one person has complained on the blog or on the article site. I take that back, one woman complained that I was sick because I said that anal sex can be enjoyable. She said that the bible forbids it, I explained that it only forbids it to homosexual men, no where in the bible does it forbid it for married couples. You must remember I am also a sexual coach and I help deal with their sexual problems as well as relational problems. I am so sorry for your sexual abuse. I have worked with many sexual abuse victims, was one myself. Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply ..April 27, 2010 gothiquefae permalink It is easier to tell people what you believe they are doing wrong than it is to dig down and get them to examine themselves and “talk about their feelings” maybe that’s the reason for the disparity of “success.” Just saying. G Reply .April 27, 2010 machroi permalink John, do you get paid to counsel people? You do realise there is an implication on the counselor & the counselee then. The counselor has to provide the service paid for, while the counsellee enters into a contract with the knowledge that if they pay their fees, they’ll get the counselors help. I acknowledge that you feel that you are freely offering advice here, but you also have to acknowledge that you need to respect the counselees too. No-one here entered into a paid contract of service with you, so surely it follows that if people disagree with you enough, and tell you that it appears that you just want to plug your book – then SURELY you MUST respect that? A good counselor acknowledges that not everyone wants their ‘help’. You cannot force the issue, you cannot change people’s minds, they must do that for themselves. I’m sure if you were having a face to face discussion with the majority of posters here, or even better, see their daily interaction with their loved ones, you’d have a far better idea of how well they behave with their partner. Of course, we all have room for improvement, but surely you can understand that as a counselor, that not even you have all the right answers. Our witness is only lived out in a small part by our words on the printed page. You seem to be unwilling to accept what people are saying to you about their lives, ergo, people are going to be less willing to accept your words. We can give you nothing else but our words. You don’t know us. I’m just asking that you give people here the respect that you are so keen on, regardless of their gender. You are also not my husband or my pastor, the blog owner, the blog owner’s husband or pastor. so I’m also asking you to kindly let things alone, as you are actually speaking from a position of no authority here. Thank you. Reply April 28, 2010 brandy permalink Oh but Diane, he’s a COACH, not a counselor. Different rules. Reply ….April 27, 2010 Jenni permalink John, How about you concentrate on NOT speaking for anyone else besides yourself? That’s a good start. Your research is flawed. What you claim to know is NOT complete because I am not feeling love, respect or Biblical perspective in any of your comments. For every claim you state, I know of 3 opposite stories. We’re all flawed… That’s what makes redemption so great. I, for one, will NOT be buying your book and will encourage all others to follow. Great marketing strategy, man! Reply ..April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink I will start. Why do guys think that housework is the woman’s job when she works 40 hours a week and the guy works 40 hours a week. Why do guys get so predictable and self centered when it comes to sex? Women it is your turn. Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink i was already planning on doing a post from the womans perspective. it will be up later…. Reply ..April 27, 2010 Debs permalink John: “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” 1Corinthians 7:3-5 “”Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself.” Ephesians 5:20-21; 25-33a “In other words I should not tell anybody that they are doing anything wrong.” Has anyone asked you to…. and ummm what Brent said…. Tam: This one is hard for me to get right perspective about at this time, but I thank you very much for putting this out there…. I’m loving reading what most people are contributing… Reply .April 27, 2010 Paula permalink As someone who is single, my thoughts may be invalid, but as a child of an extremely functional and HAPPY marriage (going on 30 years), I believe I may have something to say! 1) I’ve NEVER been a frilly person. I don’t think I’ll EVER be a frilly person. 2) A man should NEVER expect of a woman what he wouldn’t expect of himself. (and visa-versa) 3) It takes a LOT more than frills to make a marriage work. 4) Marriage is about MUTUAL servanthood & gratification. I have more thoughts, but I’m at work, and I have work to do! Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink Hey Paula: Kudos on your husband loving you anyway. Marriages are always about compromise. I am just suggesting that women ask their husbands what they would like and consider giving it to him becuase you love him, again what an ass am I. Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply April 27, 2010 Paula permalink John, please READ the comments before replying. Also, I had a look at your blog, and ran across this “charming” quote: “every woman has a secret rape fantasy”. Please provide references for such an extroardinary statement. I would also like to know what professional affiliations you have, as none are supplied on your blog. Reply April 27, 2010 Elaina permalink It says every woman has a secret rape fantasy? Really? Unbelievable. Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink yah. pretty unbelievable if you ask me. Reply April 27, 2010 Elaina permalink I don’t even know what to say to that. After a childhood filled with abuse I can say with confidence that’s not something I want to entertain in my thought life. And I’m also certain I’m not in the minority. I don’t even know where to begin in response to something like that. I’m so glad I didn’t click through to his site as I *might* have used some bad language in response. Ha. Reply ..April 27, 2010 katiekrongard permalink It also talks about how I am denying my husband the pleasure of seeing my panty lines by wearing thongs. Yes, thats right, you heard me, thongs are wrong. Reply .April 27, 2010 Jenni permalink Yeah. Every woman fantasizes about being raped just like every man fantasizes about being castrated Reply April 27, 2010 gothiquefae permalink LOL!!!! Oh my goodness, you mean guys don’t fantasize about having their junk cut off?!?! Who knew? Thank you Jenni!! G Reply .April 27, 2010 tam permalink great point!! Reply …April 27, 2010 Heidi permalink John, I just got done reading all your comments and even got sick reading your blog. I’m came to a conclusion. 1. You have no clue 2. You need a long wild ya know 3. Your profession should be taken away from you. 4. I wouldn’t allow you to stand in the room, neighborhood, or store with anyone I love. You are a monster! I was raped. I did not like it, I don’t dream about it, and the hell to you that you’d think I would have fantasies about it. You’re a monster! and if I wear granny panties to bed? It’s none of your fricken business!! Reply April 27, 2010 Joshua permalink pwn3d. (that’s computer geek-speak for owned, which essentially means, Heidi just kicked this dude in the junk) Reply .April 27, 2010 brent(inWorship) permalink Heidi, we love you! The minute I finished reading some of these comments I sensed sexual addiction and predator. I still believe that and I am grateful that you called that out! Reply .April 27, 2010 Elaina permalink Amen to that! Reply .April 27, 2010 Jenni permalink I love you, Heidi. This very confused man has no clue. You remember the TRUTH that is Christ. You are loved. You are cherished. Reply .April 27, 2010 machroi permalink Heidi – you’re awesome. I’m so sorry that this evolutionary throwback (and I don’t even believe in evolution!) has tried to hurt you or upset you. The people who care, know. Brush the dust from this fool off your feet, and move on as brilliantly as you already are. Reply April 27, 2010 gothiquefae permalink I second what machroi and Jenni said, Heidi! G Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink me too. ya know whats been good about all this tho…everyone has freely expressed themselves. i love that. Reply April 27, 2010 Heidi permalink Thank you all, Brent and Tam knew after they read my comment how much it took to for me to scribble a few words. BUT I will no longer allow a “fool” to turn my “REDEMPTION” story into a mockery… My great God is my coach! Reply ….April 27, 2010 Marisa permalink I love you, Heidi! Reply .April 28, 2010 JennyRain permalink dannnnng Heidi – you GO girl! Reply …April 27, 2010 Paula permalink Oh and “kudos on your husband loving you anyway”. Are you serious? The guy who is going to be my husband will love me because I am his help-meet and love me for ME, NOT because I choose to wear frills or not. You reduce woman to much less than they are if you seriously believe frills can fix things. Reply April 27, 2010 katiekrongard permalink Paula, I assure you, you will find a husband that loves you without the frills. Your perspective is dead on, and you don’t need to defend it to this guy. What a charmer this guy is. I’m amazed at how well he has me, the woman, all figured out (insert sarcasm here). Reply April 27, 2010 Paula permalink Thanks Katie Reply April 27, 2010 machroi permalink Paula, Thank God you work with REAL counsellors all day, not this tinpot one. Reply April 27, 2010 Paula permalink I know! Thank God for qualified, Christ-following counsellors. When you know the real thing, the counterfeit is really quite obvious (and horrifying). Reply …..April 28, 2010 brandy permalink “Kudos on your husband loving you anyway” ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! Reply …April 27, 2010 Chad permalink John, Good gosh, my man, I read through most of your controlled rants here and was so put off. Truth be told, I love the frilly things, frequency, etc, but what is coming across to me today is manipulative and mean. At the least it is based on expectations and not relationship. I read, edit and review a lot of books. If this is a preview of what yours is I would never pick it up or recommend it. I have to do far too much loving on people who are in recovery from counseling like you’ve described. Now that I’ve got that off my chest I’m going to go finish dinner for my wife. Reply April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink What is manipulative and mean about women respecting their men and doing things that please them. I have said that women can do anything that they want to do. I am trying to over come a society that is dripping in misandry. I have suggested to a woman to talk to her husband and ask him what he would like. Wow what an asshole am I. If more women asked their husbands would like and provide it, I would be out of business. As to coaching and counseling, I can honestly say that I have never had a complaint from any couple or inidividual that I work with and I am one of but a handful of guys who offer a money back gaurantee. Never had to give the money back yet. Blessings on you and yours. By the way, I am also doing ressearch as to how to best phrase the advice in the book based upon answers that I get here and from other bloogs. I don’t change the advice, just rephrase it. Blessings on you and yours John Wilder Reply .April 28, 2010 JennyRain permalink Thank you Chad- I typically find myself picking up the pieces after a “counselor” has counseled clients into a breakdown from bad “counsel” or “coaching”… John – see my post above… I think it is the WAY that you say things. It’s hurtful, dangerous, and kind of mean. Reply ..April 27, 2010 Debs permalink John: Really trying not to choke on my dinner, but do you really not get it? I am sure that you are good in your field, but here I don’t see one person who has solicited your advice under any of the comments on this thread. Can you show me where they have? Tam is respected here because she is a respecter…. not because she has some kind of credentials that try and demand respect where there has been none built up. You are bulldozing where you have not been invited, and your interpretation of scripture has definitely left me scratching my head. Again, where on any of the threads, have you been asked to share your opinion? I realize you feel you are helping but if you are feeling attacked you may want to look at why…. Reply April 27, 2010 Shellie (baylormum) permalink Apparently, he does not, Debs! And what are you doing eating & reading at the same time!? Probably because you had to feed the fam first, get Johnny to soccer, do 3 loads of laundry, run the vacuum, clean 1 bathroom, pick Susie up from piano, and make sure you have something frilly on before you feed everyone. (Just kidding, of course). Tam, how in THE world did you attract this guy????? I mean really? It has been a reaaallly loooong time since I have seen such a cave man attitude toward women. And he just can’t take a hint & go back in the cave. Way back. Where no one can hear his ranting. Is there anyone he didn’t berate or argue with? Wait! Don’t think he really challenged Brent, now, did he? Or Tony. Too much. I love these level headed guys that stop by here. Not the one teetering out on a limb. Besides, I always go on the notion that relationships are NOT 50-50, but100-100. If you aren’t giving it your all, then I think there could be problems down the line. And not just marriage, but my relationship with Christ, with my online community, with my best friend. And above all RESPECT. I do not need any more self-esteem issues! Nor does any man or woman. Reply April 27, 2010 Debs permalink Shelly: You crack me up girl… I think it was about the plug for anal sex that made me want to spew my shrimp… but we won’t go down THAT road…. Let me make one correction tho… Tam did NOT attract this guy, it was simply an exercise in my self-control technique….. OYE’ nice to meet you! Reply …April 27, 2010 brent(inWorship) permalink I am now convinced that women are the root of all evil and the only hope for man is to turn them all into mindless sex slaves or to become gay. Because I appreciate and respect women too much, I am choosing to become gay. AND, I get choice of the frilly lacy things first!!! “Wow what an asshole am I” -marriagecoach1 He said it…I didnt… Reply April 27, 2010 Shellie (baylormum) permalink Not so sure I want to meet you someday. Tam, for sure! Reply .April 27, 2010 Debs permalink The first step is admitting…. Reply .April 27, 2010 Joshua permalink Brent – Choosing to become gay? YES!! WE CAN FINALLY MAKE IT OFFICIAL!! Reply .April 27, 2010 Jason permalink Brent, forgive me for asking but I’m married. What is this “sex” of which you speak? Reply .April 27, 2010 gothiquefae permalink Brent, “He said it…I didn’t…” LOL!!!!! Awesome!! Thank you! G Reply ..April 27, 2010 mark stegall permalink john, sorry about your penis. Reply April 27, 2010 Shellie (baylormum) permalink Can you say penis on the comment section??? Reply .April 27, 2010 Joshua permalink Anyone else all of a sudden hungry for a hot dog? Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink no. Reply April 27, 2010 Joshua permalink meatballs? Reply April 27, 2010 Jeremy permalink mmmmmm Reply ….April 27, 2010 Jenni permalink PENIS!!! CASTRATION!!! Reply .April 28, 2010 brandy permalink this entire section….. made me laugh SO HARD my children came running to see what was so funny. OH MY WORD!!! Reply ..April 27, 2010 Jeremy permalink After all these comments, I would start to realize the people weren’t interested in my opinion and just move on and count it as their loss…if I wasn’t trolling. Reply .April 27, 2010 Makeda permalink I’m single so I don’t know how much weight my words have in this discussion but wow John you’re just plain crazy. I’m sorry but you have taken us back about a million years to the stone ages with your comments and your philosophy. I’m actually speechless and that’s saying something for me. Tam thank you for your post; there is definitely some truth to some of the items on the list. I just feel bad that the conversation went the direction it went in the comments. Thanks for your thoughts though. Reply April 27, 2010 gothiquefae permalink Agreed! G Reply .April 27, 2010 tam permalink makeda – i thought the list was actually pretty good too. i identified with some. thought it would be fun to share each of our thoughts on the other sex. had no idea it would become a free “coaching” session tho. anyway…glad you chimed in Reply ..April 27, 2010 Tony York permalink Truth and Grace…. all. He needs both Truth and Grace. Night and blessings. Reply April 27, 2010 tam permalink tony, you are right. i think what has happened here is a group of right minded people standing up for something that is blatantly backwards. each of us have our own unique approach. honestly…john confuses me, deeply. but the thing that burdens my heart the most…are women who are subjected to his coaching. i dont see any good, healthy good, that could come out of anything he has displayed here today, or from any of the material i read on his blog. furthermore…i am equally concerned with the men who buy into his line of thinking that in turn paints the woman as merely an object. a means to an end. its all very sad. Reply ..April 27, 2010 marriagecoach1 permalink I took oot the pictures because you women apparently are offended at lingerie. Be sure to verbally assualt the assosciate editor on here, her name is Faye Brennan. She compiled this report on sexy lingerie for all phases of your life, Tell Faye how sick and twisted she is and how sexist and a stalker and a sex addict. Your hate speech does not become you. Or is it okay for women but not for men to suggest wearing something for your man that he likes. Remember, I endured all of the taunts and insults and maintained an attitude of politeness. I am out of here. Every Stage of Your Love Life Whether you’re single, dating, post-breakup, pregnant or in a relationship, we’ve got hot lingerie picks for you. -Faye Brennan, brought to you by PinpointsX.com It’s something that isn’t really talked about, but we know it’s true. There’s lingerie for every aspect of your life and phase of your relationships. After all, the lingerie you wear at the start of a love affair isn’t necessarily going to be what you wear when you’ve been together for five years and have a baby. And who hasn’t devoted a section of their underwear drawer to first-time-with-a-new-guy bra and panty sets? Read How to Look Sexier in Bed We consulted with Jennifer Carroll, co-author of the new book, Underneath It All: A Girl’s Guide to Buying, Wearing, and Loving Lingerie ($11.16, Harlequin), to come up with a guide to lingerie that matches your relationship status. Whether you’re single, seriously involved or happily married, here are your options: Single and Not Seeing Anyone Right Now So what if no one else will see your underwear? “Dress for the love life you want, not the one you’ve got,” advises Carroll. Here are some simple pieces that you can wear on a solo night at home to make you feel more sensual and in touch with your feminine side without feeling ridiculous. Looks like this will give you an extra boost of confidence, “just in case you meet Mr. Right,” says Carroll. From left: Jenna Leigh Maroma Deep Red Nightie ($125, jennaleighlingerie.com). Alfani Chemise, Bralette ($24.98, macys.com). Kimchi Blue Polka Dot Slip ($48, urbanoutfitters.com) Single and Dating When you’re dating but not fully committed to someone, it’s a good idea to keep the more complicated items safe in your naughty drawer until things start getting serious. For the time being, stick with classy yet sexy separates. “Make sure your bra and panties match,” says Carroll. “Your date will appreciate the effort!” And in these styles, he’ll want to stick around to see what else you’ve got in your repertoire. From left: Pin Dot Mesh Ruffled Bra ($7, charlotterusse.com) and Polkadot Boyshort Panties ($3, charlotterusse.com). Felina: Harlow Full Busted Demi Bra ($32, barenecessities.com) and Felina: Harlow Low Rise G-String ($14, barenecessities.com). Flirty Lace Balconette Bra in pink ($16.80, express.com) and Flirty Lace String Thong in pink ($12.50, express.com) In a Relationship Now that you’ve found someone, it’s time to up the ante. If you’re in a relatively new relationship, don’t bother with complicated closures and ties because your guy won’t wait long enough to delicately take these pieces off of you. Instead, stick with pieces that are hotter than your average bra and panty set, but are just as easy to remove. Carroll likes the simple addition of a garter belt and stockings, too. “Add them to any bra and panty set to heat things up on date night,” she says. From left: Brazilian Lace & Mesh Flyaway Babydoll ($32, fredericks.com). Leopard Babydoll Set ($21.95, yandy.com). Cut-O ? ? Sexy Lingerie for Every Stage of Your Love Life Page 2 Engaged He proposed! Or you proposed! Either way, now’s the time to show your fiancé what he’s committed to for the rest of his life – and that’s you in all your sexy glory. Carroll says, “Engage him with the promise of things to come in bustiers, corsets and thigh-highs.” He will instantly know he’s made the right choice when he sees you in one of these scandalous little numbers. From left: Love Red Love Basque ($370, agentprovocateur.com). Reversible Satin Corset with Dot Net Ruffle ($49.90, lingeriediva.com). Lace Garter Set ($42.99, yumdrop.com) Read 10 Ways to Unleash Your Inner Bad Girl Married or Living Together Sure, the honeymoon may be over, but that doesn’t mean you should retire your collection of negligees. The bedroom only gets boring if you let it, says Carroll. “Ditch the fun run T-shirt for sleeping and go for a silky chemise or gown. Also, invest in some lacy, racy bras and a fantasy outfit — like a naughty maid — for dress-up!” From left: Farr West Lace Trim Full Slip ($80, nordstrom.com). Tickle Me Maid ($39.95, 3wishes.com). Elle Macpherson Intimates Dentelle contour bra ($51, figleaves.com) Pregnant When you’re expecting, there are going to be times when the last thing you feel is sexy. But you’d be surprised how cute little outfits like these can instantly lift your mood and make you feel like your pre-preggers self again. Plus, daddy-to-be will be happy to see that you’re embracing motherhood and the flattering glow that comes with it. “Look
  3. Tongue Ulcers…

    […]Check Your Emotional Maturity Here « Marriagecoach1's Blog[…]…

  4. Jan Sikorski says:

    Copied and printed without permission

  5. Jan it is not copyright infringement. I gave full credit to the author of the blog reblogged. WordPress even has helpful tools to use to reblog other’s post on your own blog. I did not increase my visitors to my blog by reposting it here, but increased the author’s visitors. I have over 55,000 page views on my blog in a little over a year, and I would put that up against any other blog on here.

    John Wilder

  6. Dating says:

    Dating…

    […]Check Your Emotional Maturity Here « Marriagecoach1's Blog[…]…

  7. wedding planning checklist…

    […]Check Your Emotional Maturity Here « Marriagecoach1's Blog[…]…

  8. jual kaos says:

    jual kaos…

    […]Check Your Emotional Maturity Here « Marriagecoach1's Blog[…]…

  9. free text to speech…

    […]Check Your Emotional Maturity Here « Marriagecoach1's Blog[…]…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: