Women. Get Comfortable With Your Sexuality

 

      I have come to understand how conflicted women are about their sexuality.  I have surfed numerous blogs and made comments on them about women wearing lacy frilly lingerie for their men.  I unleashed a firestorm.  As a marriage, relationship and sexual coach, I work with couples to resolve their relationshjp and sexual problems.

     Almost all women grew up with the fantasy about “living happily ever after”.  Far too often this has been a self centered fantasy with the woman giving little consideration as what that looks like and means for the man in her life.  I suggested that women ask their husbands a question and promising not to get mad at his answer, would he like to see her in lacy frilly lingerie when she comes to bed at night?  The answer is obvious for the vast majority of men.   I point out that why would you want to deny a pleasure that the husband wants and desires if you love him?  It costs you nothing and it is another way to honor him and show him respect.  It might not be the woman’s thing but it is the husband’s.  If you had a cat, would you feed it hay and say that it was love.  You would feed the cat what it needs and that is meat.

     I challenge women everywhere to ask your husband the following question; In what way can I be a better wife to you sexually”. Youu have to promise him that you won’t get angry with his answer and then listen to the answer without getting defensive.  Men are not forthcoming with their feelings because most wives don’t make it safe for him to express those feelings.  This hurts your relationship and the communication between you and your hubby.

     Far too many women are inhibited by their parents and the church indoctrinating them about sex when they were girls. They said that it was bad, dirty and wrong and that “good girls don’t do it” Sadly, by the time a woman is ready to embrace her sexuality, she is so negatively conditioned about sex that sadly it affects her for the rest of her life. Sex is a gift from God. You don’t ever hear that preached from a pulpit or from a sunday school lesson. They don’t tell you about the biblical quotes encouraging us to have a great sex life.

 Women can’t relax and enjoy and be comfortable with their sexuality.  They also tend to feel self conscious about their body image.  Men don’t care, they like to see their women in frilly feminine things.  Not only did I get hate speech vomited all over me over this issue, sadly women tend to do the same thing to their husbands.  Men learn to shut up and keep their feelings to themselves because it is not safe to open up to the wife if she perceives anything remotely critical of her.  She verbally berates the husband.  Women are telling men that we are bad, perverted and wrong for desiring lacy frilly lingerie.  It is a point of view and should not be disprespected.  Women can’t take any critique but feel no compunction over vomiting critique over men and their husbands.

     In Europe, people are much more comfortable with sexuality.  We have been raised in a highly puritanical society.  The discussion of sex or lingerie makes most people highly uncomfortable.  Why, we are all adults.  Sex is one of the big 3 that couples fight about.  We have a 50% divorce rate in this country.  Kids are the victims and are traumatized and damaged as the result of that divorce.

     We are also in a society that is reeking of misandry (reverse sexism by women against men).  I speak for the vast majority of men who can’t speak up for fear of being bombarded by women in general and their wives in particular.

    I teach couples to resolve conflicts peacefully without verbally bashing each other and without the name calling.  I stress respect not the use of verbal clubs as equalizers.

   If you would like help with your relationship or sexuality, I am here to help.  I offer a free half hour consultation and a money back guarantee.

68 Responses to Women. Get Comfortable With Your Sexuality

  1. Sarah Cole says:

    Just to clarify are you suggesting that if our partner says that he does prefer us to wear lingerie everynight to bed that we should do it just because it’s what he wants?
    I rather think that if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn’t hold this view.

  2. wittywife says:

    Do you really think all women are that shallow?

    “Far too often this has been a self centered fantasy with the woman giving little consideration as what that looks like and means for the man in her life. ”

    Seriously?

    Where are you from?

    And out of curiosity, what are your certifications as a marriage and sex counselor? I like some of your points about marriage and raising children, but re-read through your own blog. Whether or not you do, your tone comes across as though you hate women and they are somehow inferior.

    Why would a woman want to go to counseling with you when all you do is tell women how they always do everything wrong? The only women I can imagine going to you have MAJOR self esteem issues and need more than just marriage guidance.

    • John Wilder says:

      I never said all. But a significant percentage do. I have had too many women admit this to me. If you really believe that all women take into consideration what happily every after looks like for mem, then why are so many women unwilling to give to their men what their view of happily ever after looks like to him?

      You tend to go for the attacks first instead of questioning me and finding out my motivations and reasoning. This is not good conflict resolution. If you practice this with your husband I suggest that you stop it.

      There are no certificatioins for marriage coaches yet. The movement is too new. If you want to know what my education is, I have a BA with a triple major in Behavioral Science, Science and Bible Theology. I also went to nursing school and attended Graduate School for Clinical Psychology.

      I offer an unheard of in the industry, money back gaurantee. So far, none of my clients have asked for their money back. Most of my clients come to me as a last ditch effort after months of failed marriage counselors with traditional marriage counselors. I successfully resolve problems with couples 80% of the time as compared to the horrendous 75% failure rate with tradtional marriage counselors.

      I am a resident expert on the highly rated Alexa site called lovedetour.com as well as yahooanswers.com. No one has had a problem with my answers on those sites.

      You come across like women are totally innocent and it is all the fault of those evil men. You can’t address a problem without first admitting that there is a problem. I am trying to fix problems between husbands and wives.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

  3. wittywife says:

    How did I attack and not ask? I did ask – I asked you if you seriously thought all women were that shallow.

    To which you responded that a significant percentage are. I’m curious, what is the percentage?

    Where did I claim that women are totally innocent? I’m just asking you to back yourself up. That’s not an attack; that’s a discussion. Please point out where I’ve ever blamed the ‘evil men’ for anything.

    Your a marriage coach – of COURSE the people you speak with have major issues. That doesn’t mean that all women must share those same issues.

  4. Frustrated says:

    A couple points:
    1- I, like Witty Wife, am questioning your methods, and your target audience. Looking at your blog, this seems to focus on “How to please your man” and not “How two people can have a healthy marriage.”

    2-I have my fair share of lingerie. You know what my husband does when I wear it? Take it off. If I go to bed in just a t-shirt, you know what my husband wants to do? Take it off. Come on now. Most women have realized over the years that lingerie is just as much to make us feel good, as it is for a man to “admire” (aka take it off as soon as possible). Let’s just skip a step there and realize it’s not the lingerie that most men like, it’s the invitation that usually comes with it.

    3-Going off #2, I find your generalizations alarming. You’re assuming that most women are “liberated” bra-burners (although I think the audience you’re speaking to doesn’t have anything to be ‘liberated’ from…that was about 30 years ago). You’re talking down to us. Women know that it takes two to make a marriage work…yet you don’t seem to want to focus on that.

    4-Have you been watching too much Mad Men? Your scenarios seem to be coming straight out of 1963. Not all boys play football. Not all girls like Barbies. I think you need to brush up on MODERN couples. Marriage these days is about being a team. Getting things done and taking on life TOGETHER. Not just with a leader and a follower.

    I’m not trying to be combative or offensive. I just think you’re a little out of touch with modern-day couples to be preaching and trying to sell your services. I think ultimately what you’re advising would be a disservice to most marriages nowadays.

    • I am not talking about just lingerie for the bedroom, I am talking about bras and panties. The vast majority of women wear deadly dull white nylong panties with no lace. They tend to wear utilitarian bras with no lace either. Are there some men who don’t like lace, sure, but the majority do. I have visited other blog sites and made the suggestion that women wear frilly lacy lingerie for their men and again they rained down hate speech on me. I even pasted an article from an online woman’s magazine on lingerie for all occasions writen by a woman, but it made no difference, they were furious that me a man would suggest to them that they wear frilly lingerie for their husbands.

      Yes I am older, but I visit other blogs and get screamed at by women who are younger deamnding their right to say no at their own whim. Multiple studies indicate that married women with children have their men on a diet of sex once a week or less. The average man needs it 3 or 4 times a week. He is forced to masturbate alone which breeds resentment on the part of the man. I think that you have a healthy relationship with your husband and you make the mistake of generalizing from your experience that other women do as well.
      I just reunited a couple who were in their late twenties and she wore white cotton granny panties. My belief is that cotton panties only belong on little girls and little old ladies, not married women.

      Teamwork is a concept that I believe in. I take men on for their failings as well. I do tend to talk more to women because the overhwhelming majority of complaints that I get from men is that their wives don’t make it safe for them to be truthful with them when it comes to a complaint or a critique of the woman. Many women become defenisve and yell at and berate her husband for critiquing her with a side serving of crying and/or cutting him off sexually. That is not teamwork but dominance on the part of the woman. The idea that she wants to communicate is that he better never do that again. I speak for men to women to take them on the things that they do which are counterproductive. We have the highest divorce rate on the planet. Things are not as rosy as you would claim.

      I am all for hearing your ideas on how I might rephrase my critiques of women to make them more palatable to women. I appreciate that you are not being hateful or combative and take your critique in the spirit that it was delivered.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

  5. John Wilder says:

    Well for example 60% of married women with children have their husbands on a diet of sex once a week or less when the average man needs sex 3 or 4 times a week. This leaves the man to masturbate alone building resentment on the part of the man because he views his wife’s refusals as rejection and a violation of his trust.

    The attack I percieved in your citical condascending tone. I am used to women doing this because I have dared to critique women. I don’t hate women, but I do hold them accountable for their behavior and point out that it is counter productive.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  6. wittywife says:

    You might be right there. My tone has been a bit condescending.

    But no more than your own condescending tone toward women. There is a difference between critiquing someone and being condescending.

    Where did you get your statistics from?

  7. John Wilder says:

    I am not being condascending to women, I am pointing out the mistakes that they make in their relationhship in an attempt to help them better their relationships.

    There are a myriad of studes documenting this including the Kinsey Institute, Redbook among others.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  8. wittywife says:

    John, it is one thing to try to help a woman in her marriage. That I can understand.

    It’s quite another to make gross generalizations in your blog posts. You make it sounds like all women are poor little creatures in need of dire help for guidance.

    Examples:
    “I would only add that a woman needs to wear frilly and lacy lingerie for their men.” What is your obsession with lacy lingerie? You do realize that not all men like lace, right? Some like leather. Some like non-lace lingerie. Some would rather their wife wear nothing. I get that some guys like lace. But projecting your own preferences on ladies you’re trying to ‘counsel?’

    “What Women Want From A Man in a Relationship…When it comes to sex, it should always be ladies first when it comes to orgasms.” Why? What’s wrong with simultaneous?

    “At a recent visit to another blog, I wrote about talking dirty to your man to romance him. I was frankly surprised at the number of women who can’t get themselves to do this and choose deliberately not to do it. I was even more surprised at the vehemence with which women condemned me and vilified me over my suggestion that they get over it and do something nice for their husbands.” I just have to ask, seriously, are you insane? Talking dirty isn’t ‘romance.’ If you think that’s ‘romance’, then YOU have a lot to learn. Talking dirty can be a fun part of sex, but it’s not exactly romantic.

    “Women you need to stop vilifying people who point out a shortcoming in you.” I just can’t believe you’re a coach/counselor. I have teaching experience, and one thing you are taught over and over at any sort of seminar on communication is to NEVER include the words..”You need to…” It’s confrontational, and causes the other person to shut down. But heck, don’t take my word for it, look it up yourself.

    For someone who wants to help women so much, you have NO idea how to reach them.

    I especially have to ponder about your posts about sex. For a professional, you’re awful vulgar. Not that there’s anything vulgar about them when you use those terms with your husband or when you’re speaking with your close close friends, but for a grown man who is supposed to be a counselor, you should know more than most that there are boundaries, and you’ve crossed quite a few. I mean, did you really title one of your posts “Giving a man a great blow job”? Seriously? You’re a coach. You’re not a friend, you’re not a chatty girlfriend, you role is to be professional! “You simply let him shoot to the back of your throat.” Are you for real?

    I think you’re heart is in the right place. But the delivery is just terrible. You’re wrong when you generalize about most women, but even when you ARE right, you push away the same women you’re trying to help. No woman one wants to hear, “you need to x, y, z” or “you need to get over x,y,z”, deal with the constant barrage of negativity that your blog puts forth. If you want to help women, learn to communicate with them first. You can be realistic without being accusatory, negative, or unprofessional.

    Oh, and I read the Kinsey studies as well that you refer to. Yes, you’re right, married couples sometimes have sex less than 2-3 times a week. But 75% of those married people claim they’re happy with their sex lives. Don’t get me wrong, sex is really important to a happy healthy marriage, but I guess not all men are as wrapped up in sex as you are.

  9. John Wilder says:

    See part of the problem is that you are speaking for men, you don’t have qualifications to do that. I give the overwhelming majority of men’s views. Are there exceptions, sure there are but the exceptions don’t disprove the rule. The vast majority of men prefer lacy and frilly. All the pin up posters feature women in lacy frilly lingerie, I am talking about the kind that guys keep at the workplace out in the garage. For those who don’t I suggest to women to ask their guys what they like and wear it for them.

    I also suggested to women to ask their men how they could do better sexually for their men. I give a man’s point of view and I realize that a lot of women are rebellious and unless you pat them on the fanny and tell them how wonderful they are many will rebel and spit it back in my face just like many do to their own husbands. I am trying to help women to do it better and that involves critique. It is not mean spirited or hateful but intended for education. I have other women congratulating me and agreeing with me.

    You can’t speak for men on what men consider romantic. Ask any man if he would like for his women to talk dirty in bed with him ocassionally. and the overwhelming majority would say yes. They would also agree with me that they woulod consider it romantic. Romance is not just defined in feminine terms. You may as woman not consider it romantic but you are not a man. Most women see only romance as what their husbands do for them and fail to realize that romance should go both ways. Men don’t want flowers, they want what they want. Many women just don’t care enought to give it to them.

    As to being being vulgar, Giving a great blow job is the number one read post on my blog. I wrote it months ago and I have numerous people reading it every day. As to let him shoot it to the back of your throat, I am answering women who claim that they don’t like the taste or consistency. My method resolves both problems. I have coached a lot of women on how to give a blow job and overcome their inhibitions about it. I have also coached a fair number of women how to masturbate. As to my using vernacular, I choose to use slang and vernacular to be less formal. In a poll of 200 women authors on my book, I posed the question should I use only clinical terms for body parts or should I use the clinical as well as the slang terms for body parts. There were only two women out of the two hundred who suggested to use straight clinical terms so I will take that poll over your critique.

    I am open to hearing how I should rephrase pointing out mistakes women make and suggesting alternative terminology on suggesting ways to do it better.

    In terms of women denying men sex, I am talking about as a rule. Most men have simply resigned themselves that their wives are not going to satisfy all of their sexual needs and masturbate alone. This should not be so. Just as it is not right for women with higher libidos than their husbands should have to masturbate alone. I also teach this as well.

    As to crossing boundaries, I do it willigly and cheerfully. Too many women have trouble talking about sex even with their own husbands. I want to make it less puritanical. In Europe sex is much more open as I am and they have far less problems with sex. There is a lower rape statistic for example. We live in a very puritanical country. We also have the highest divorce rate on the planet and sex is a primary reason for divorce as it is one of the big 3 that couples fight about.

    As to simultaneous climaxes, it is very rare. I am suggesting to men to give their women multiple orgasms instead of just one, but what an asshole am I huh?

    I am not nearly as ignorant as you profess me to be, nor are you as smart as you profess to be, but I understand you feel you must take me on. Give me your best shot.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

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