Many of you have the attitude that I had in my twenties. I had this juvenile attitude that the more women I got to have sex with me made me a better man or defined me as a stud. I even decided to start a panty collection of all of the women that I had sex with so that I had visual proof of my conquests. Society reinforces that attitude with a knowing nod to the notion that “boys will be boys”. That somehow boys need to “sow wild oats”. Hugh Hefner became an iconic figure in our society with that same philosophy. Considering the very definition of a “playboy” (insert definition here) conjures up the notion that he is immature, self centered and irresponsible.
In science, there is a rule that states: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” What I failed to realize at first was that my attitude made me very self-centered and narcissistic. I had no care or concern about the women with whom I had sex. I did not care about their feelings about being used and tossed aside like a dirty piece of laundry. At least with my dirty laundry, I picked it up, washed it and continued to wear the clothes. With the women, they were tossed aside while I was looking for the next conquest.
What happens is that for every woman that you use, you and she become more jaded and callous. No one trusts anyone anymore. Because of this, it becomes harder and harder to commit to a person. People are constantly afraid of being discarded. For a relationship to truly work, you need people to be committed 100% not a 50-50 relationship. A 50-50 relationship indicates that both people are only half-heartedly committed and ready to bail at any time. You need security in a relationship as does the woman. Sex between a man and a woman creates a bond. When you so casually toss aside that bond, it indicates that you are not trustworthy and that you are just willing to selfishly use someone for your own gratification and care nothing for her feelings.
Now I know that there are a certain number of you reading my book to learn new techniques to pleasure a woman better and give her more orgasms. That is a good thing. The bad thing is that some of you are only reading it to learn new techniques so as to be more effective at being promiscuous. No one really respects someone who is promiscuous.
I wrote this book to help people be better at their relationships and strengthen their relationships. The real definition of being a man is someone who can be counted on for the long haul. A man who leads his life as an example of integrity and absolute honesty. That old fashioned notion of your word is your bond.
The very definition of love is putting the other person’s needs first. You need to be bringing a woman to a few orgasms before you climb on and get yours and leave her unfulfilled and frustrated. If you get off and don’t get her off, you are just using her and that is not love or making love.
That attitude was the founding principle for the Christian organization called Promise Keepers. It is also the guiding principle for a national ministry called: The National Center for Fathering, founded by Dr. Ken Canfield. Dr. Canfield says that not only is it important to honor your promises and commitments to your wife, but it is even more important to honor them to your children.
None of that is possible or likely if you are being self-centered and narcissistic. You need to put your woman and children first and be committed to them. I wrote this so that you could use the information to better please your woman in bed so that she would be more willing to give you the sex that you want when you want it. The purpose is to strengthen the relationship. Great sex tends to really bond and strengthen the relationship. If you just use it for sex without the corresponding commitment, then it becomes a self-centered waste.
The Bible has some instructions for all of us men in the following scriptural references:
Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it;…so men out men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church;…For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh…Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; Ephesians 5: 25,28,29,31,33
Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to the knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers might not be hindered. I Peter 3:7
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking who he may destroy. I Peter 5:8
I will give you similar advice that I gave to the single women in the preceding chapter. People have become far too promiscuous. Not only is it immoral, but it is dangerous. We have epidemic venereal diseases in the world. You don’t want to be playing “Russian Roulette” with your life and health. Before you engage in sex with a woman, you should have her produce a very recent negative Aids and venereal disease test. You should also be questioning her about her hopes and dreams about love, marriage and children. There are more and more women out there looking for recreational sex and are not serious about marriage. You need to find out how supportive she would be of you and how nurturing. Before you actually have sex with her, it would behoove you to find out how she would respond in bed. Will she give you blow jobs? What does she think is an appropriate number of times a week to have sex? Will she talk dirty in bed to you? There are a lot of women out there who are very prudish about sex and unwilling to change. 60% of the women out there have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less. Don’t you think that it would be good for you to find that out before having sex with her? If she is not even willing to have a conversation with you about it, you don’t want her anyway. Couples have fights about the BIG THREE: MONEY, SEX AND KIDS.
Too many women out there practice the policy of not talking about sex before she has sex with a man and hoping for the best. This is part of her notions about sex being spontaneous. She does not want to think about it in advance because of her guilt over sex. If she does not talk to you about it before having sex with you, she feels somewhat resolved over her guilt and tells herself that it “just happened”. It is further complicated that she still has that romantic notion of the “knight in shining armor” sweeping her off of her feet and then wanting to keep her. Too often it is these kinds of thoughts and notions that are on her mind when she goes to bed with you.
I would suggest on the second or third date to have the conversation with her about sex if you have an interest in her and that you feel that she has an interest in you. If she asks you why you are initiating a conversation about sex when you have not even had sex with her, you can honestly answer that: You feel that sex is important and should not be entered into lightly or irresponsibly. Since this is the way that you feel and that you want to respect her by not having sex with her if you realize that the relationship is not going to be compatible, you want to spare her feelings of having sex with her and not continuing into a relationship. You are trying to spare her feelings. It gives her a way to preview you as well as you previewing how she would react. It is only by talking with each other and getting a feel about their sexual style can you evaluate if you want to pursue the relationship any further. It saves hurt feelings and the notion of having been used for sex. It is honest and shows integrity. If she fiercely resists an honest conversation you need to pass any way. The foundation of a good relationship you can tell her is the ability to communicate openly and honestly with each other, especially over important topics like sex. The key to fantastic mind blowing sex is in a committed relationship where both parties in the relationship practice 100-100 comitment. It is not found in casual promiscuous sex. I am suggesting to you that the essence of being a true man is someone who can be counted upon for honesty and integrity. You can’t be that kind of man and practice casual sex for your own selfish gratification. A good marriage is the best possible solution for you. Let me quote some others on why you should seek to be married:
According to David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead who are co-directors of the Marriage Project at Rutgers university, they have found the following factors yield the best chance at long-lasting satisfying marriage: having similar goals and interests, know each other well but don’t live together before they get married, come from intact families, marry after age 25, and are not expecting a child, similar in age, race, religion, political beliefs, education, intelligence and values. The payoff of a good marriage is personal happiness, more and better sex than singles, economic success, health and long life, and very positive benefits for the children.