How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse or Relatives, Good Conflict Resolution Skills

August 29, 2010

Nothing kills your sex life and hurts your relationship like fighting. It is imperative for the health and continuation of your relationship to learn to resolve conflict peacefully. I always tell my relationship and sexual coaching clients to go home and rent two movies and study them: THE BREAKUP and WAR OF THE ROSES. It is another example of art illustrating and imitating life. Now there is no such thing as a couple who are going to agree on everything. The key to a good relationship is being able to resolve those differences without hurting each other and inflicting damage on the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is one of the keys to having a good relationship and great sex life.

QUESTION: Are you combative or collaborative?
Do you want to win the fight or resolve the problem?

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR PARTNER! Ask, “In what way can we solve this problem?”

When you attack your spouse, they tend to want to counter attack which only escalates the problem. Instead of accusing your partner, Make the problem and its solution mutual rather than a contest and argument.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage from the Bible is obvious and requires no interpretation. It is a simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason for this should be obvious. You know when you and your spouse are fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses and damages the relationship. There is another reason: your children sense the tenseness or worse yet see you fighting. It scares them and they have no way to resolve it, make it better or the ability to get away from it. This is literally torture for your children. It upsets their digestion, their sleep, and their emotional well being. Fighting in front of children is never okay. If you really need to have a fight, find a way to get the children somewhere else where they don’t witness it.

There is a syndrome called Fight or Flight Syndrome. This is a coping system in people and animals. Men tend to feel it more profoundly because of the testosterone in their systems and because nature gives them a strong “protector instinct”. What happens when you feel stressed and threatened, the body releases massive amounts of adrenaline in your body. The purpose of this adrenaline is a simple survival mechanism. The idea is that you can use the adrenaline to run away from your opponent or predator faster than they can chase you and catch you. The other option is that you have so much adrenaline in you that you are able to successfully fight off an enemy or predator. The body is designed to be releasing and dissipating this adrenaline by either fighting or fleeing in a very short period of time. When you do neither, it creates a tremendous amount of stress in you that is not good for the body. It is internalized. Imagine having the need to urinate or sneeze and you can’t do it and you are stuck. It is a miserable feeling. In fact this kind of unrelieved stress is one of the main causes of heart disease and heart attack. When you internalize this stress rather than venting it through fighting or fleeing, you do a lot damage to the body and the relationship. Many times violence can ensue especially with men. This is why the Bible is so clear and unequivocal about resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back that notion up:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother (friend, wife, husband, other relative) has anything against you; Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words it is so important to resolve the problem immediately because of how an argument can fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that you leave church in the middle of the service to go and reconcile the problem.

LOSE YOUR TEMPER

People will often say that they lost their temper. In fact, they used their temper. Couples often use anger to control and manipulate each other, usually one is stronger than the other and bullies their partner with their anger. Men because of their superior strength tend to use that strength to bully the wife and sometimes hit the wife. This is unhealthy for the relationship and is inexcusable according to the following biblical passages:

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

God gave us men superior strength so as to use it to protect our wives and family, not use it against her. Men note the message at the end of the verse; if you misuse your strength against your wife, God will not answer or heed your prayers. That is a powerful warning that is not nearly emphasized enough in churches or Sunday schools today. There is far too much violence against women. I believe that the disrespect and violence against women by men is in large part responsible for the rise of feminism in this country. While feminism has in this writer’s opinion swung entirely too far the other way, one should not dismiss the feminist notions as completely without merit. There were and are legitimate causes for anger on the part of women. The Christian response to some of these concerns was another movement called: Promise Keepers. It is a Christian men’s organization whose principle tenants are that we as men need to be better husbands, fathers and Christian leaders.

Here are scriptures relating to anger especially notable to men.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8
A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18

Women you also have a responsibility to keep a happy and peaceful home. There are numerous commands in the Bible regulating your conduct with your spouse as well. The following verse is representative of those commands.

The contentions of a wife are like a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words like a continual dripping faucet.

We can all agree that men should not physically beat on women. Many times as indicated in the above biblical passages, women don’t have a problem beating verbally on men. The problem is, not only does it hurt your relationship but is very problematic for the husband for a number of reasons. By verbally beating on the husband, you cause the fight or flight syndrome to turn on and gives him tremendous unresolved stress. When the argument goes on, it makes it worse for the man and he gets more and more stressed to where he can explode and hit the wife. Your children are also stressed in this way. They feel the stress of that same Fight or Flight Syndrome and they are powerless to do anything about it. Continued stress of this type can cause heart disease and heart attack.
So the Bible is pretty explicit that hasty anger is not good for relationships and that anger needs to be controlled. Anger is not to be used to beat someone with or to get our own way by manipulating and intimidating them. However the Bible does not say that you can’t get angry. You can get angry, but you have to control the anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So you see that anger is a human emotion, but you must control it, not use it as a weapon but express it so as to resolve the problem. Often when a person gets angry, they start yelling and raising their voice. This is simply a ploy to try and scare someone or attempt to manipulate someone. This is not an appropriate use or expression of anger. Screaming is an equal opportunity sin by both men and women. It also causes the Fight or Flight Syndrome that was previously spoken about. Invariably when one person yells, then the other person responds in kind which simply escalates the argument and gets it to the point where people are out of control. Here is what the Bible says about that:

A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

So how do you keep peace with your spouse when there is anger over an issue. The key is to keep emotion out of it. The first rule when your partner is angry about something is to SHUT-UP AND LISTEN. You let them get everything out that is bothering them. Now the temptation here is to interrupt them and correct them over an issue that you feel like they are unjustly accusing you of. False accusations are not that abnormal as people tend to over-reach when they are angry. You wait until they are completely done before you try and correct them. The key is that you want the spouse to get out all of their frustrations. If you interrupt them, it just makes them madder. You keep quiet until they are done. Once you feel like they are done, you ask them if they are done. Sometimes, they are just taking a breath and re-grouping their thoughts. If they have more to say, listen. If it is a lot, take notes on what they are complaining about so you don’t forget or try to interrupt them to tell them you can’t remember everything that they said. Once they assure you that they are done, then you ask them if it would be okay for you to repeat back the main points of their argument so that you are sure that you understand and don’t want to forget anything. Usually they will be tickled to do that. Once you have re-stated the case, ask them if this is everything that they talked about. Once they have agreed that you have all of their points. You then go to the next step. The next step is to ask them: “in what way can I fix this and make it right? There is nothing to argue about with this point. They will usually have an idea on what you can do to make it right and they will tell you. You can then go back and correct what you feel like they unfairly accused you of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, you simply quietly state that you disagree with the point that you feel like they unjustly accused you of. Now if what they are asking for is unreasonable, you counter offer and suggest that you feel like that what they are asking for is too much but you are willing to counter offer a solution. You then can begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If you can take the anger and attacks out of the argument and make it about problem solving, it is much easier to resolve.

AVOID THE “YOU DO IT TOO” RESPONSE

You need to address the complaint of your spouse and deal with it responsibly instead of trying to say they do the same thing or something else similar. Once that the conflict is resolved to your mate’s satisfaction, then if you have complaints ask to take your turn at voicing your complaints.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

There is a good way to negotiate. You can say: “alright on a scale of 1-10 how do you rate this?” If your partner says for them it is an 8 and for you it is only a 4, you agree to give them their way. Again this is just about problem solving rather than attacking each other. You can always propose an alternative solution. In assessing the degree of the problem, you have to be honest. You can’t just claim it is a 10 all of the time. You have to honestly rate the severity of the problem as well as the spouse has to rate it honestly. Make allowances for whoever has the bigger problem. This is peaceful productive problem solving.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

There are times that you are just diametrically opposed to their proposed solution and the two of you can’t reach an agreement. You could start beating on each other emotionally or you could “agree to disagree”. There is nothing wrong with that. In this way, no one is wrong, you are both convinced that you are both right but neither party will concede. Just agree to disagree.

FLIPPING A COIN TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs 18:18.

When getting to a solution is imperative and neither side will budge then the only peaceful solution is to settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree and stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Mathew 5:9 Due to the sinful nature of man, we have a natural predilection to fight among ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society at large and families in particular. Will you endeavor to be a peacemaker in your own home? And a further biblical note:
If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18 You can’t make anyone do right, but you can control how you react and what you put into the relationship. Are you doing everything that you can in your relationship to live peaceably with your spouse?

DEALING WITH A SPOUSE WHO WON’T STOP YELLING

If you are faced with a partner that yells and gets verbally abusive and won’t be calmed down and this is habitual, you have to make a change. You can’t force the person to behave appropriately. What you can do is to remove yourself form the situation. You simply go get your keys and get in the car and leave for several hours. Don’t answer your cell phone or texts from the person demanding that you come back. After several hours, you come back home and tell the person that you will talk if they are willing to talk to you without verbally abusing you and yelling at you. If they start in again, you simply leave again and stay overnight somewhere if necessary. It is not likely that you will have to do this more than 3 times and the person will realize that you are no longer going to put up with the abuse. If you don’t take a stand and make it stick, the abusive person will continue the abuse.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t call your spouse names or use insulting or demeaning language to them, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse.
7. Do not interrupt, it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme to a more appropriate meaning:

Sticks and stones can only break your bones, but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

When you can’t resolve the problems between the two of you then seek out the services of a mediator, or a relationship coach.

Or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com


What Women Want In Relationship and Mistakes That Men Make

August 25, 2010

What Women Want in a Relationship and Mistakes That Men Make

I have been accused by some women that I am a misogynist because I write about mistakes that women make in relationships. I do write more about that than anything else because no one else has the courage to suffer the slings and arrows that I do.
I am not anti woman or a misogynist, I am simply pointing out the common mistakes that women make in their relationships with men. It is just like Sex and The City where Carrie is clueless about men and goes to her gal pals who are equally clueless looking for answers. The problem is that they don’t have the answers. It would be like a guy going to his buddies and asking a guy what it feels like for a woman to be pregnant.

I try to be a resource for women to show them a better way based upon a lot of complaints made by men in my practice and on my blog. But to be fair, I need to take men on for the complaints that women make about men. This is only fair.

First men need to be mature. You need to be ready to commit to a relationship. You need to commit fully to it. You need to have a good job to be able to support a family.
You need to be strong emotionally and emotionally mature. You need to be strong and yet gentle respecting the woman and not trying to bully her. She is your equal and not a possession under your thumb. Never ever use your superior strength against her, it is designed to protect her not to beat her with.

You need to be ready for a family and study on what it means to be a good father as well as a good husband. You need to share the remote letting her watch her own shows in addition to your sports and blow em up movies. That means maybe also taking her to a musical , ballet, or symphony occasionally.

Be willing to go shopping with her at least occasionally and let her try on clothes while you watch and tell her what you like.

When problems arise, be willing to talk them out rationally instead of trying to bully her with shouting, pouting or emotionally withdrawing.

When it comes to sex, far too many men are about getting her done, but it really means is getting yourself done, and letting her needs go by the wayside. When it comes to orgasms, it is always ladies first. Don’t just roll over and go to sleep, but hold her and assure her that you love her, hold her and talk to her afterwards. Women want to feel loved and that you are making love with her instead of just using her as a piece of meat.
You need to be in it for the long haul and not look to other women when the going gets tough.

Well women , I invite you to share your thoughts with what I have written. Have I missed anything? Here is your time to explain what I missed. Just be nice in your comments because I was rooting for your team this time.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
This is my new personal credo. Follow the link to another great blogger.
http://stewart-little.com/

The Paradoxical Commandments of Leadership
Posted on August 24, 2010 by stewartmccoy

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest men with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.
7. People favor underdogs, but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.


10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband (Even when you don’t feel like it)

August 22, 2010

This is a great guest post by a woman who gets it. It always works better when you follow God’s plan for marriage. I am on a goal to expose rampant misandry (reverse sexism by women against men) in our society. I have been called all manner of vile names by women in pursuit of this goal and mission. I suggest that women take care of their husbands needs. First respect is the number one need men have even more than sex. Too many women feel that taking care of a husband’s needs are at the bottom of her priority list and have no compunction about forcing him to do without against his will. I would be the first to agree that no woman should be forced to have sex against her will but women feel that it is perfectly permissable to force the husband to do without sex against his will.

This post was found by punching into my search engine “reasons not to put children’s needs ahead of husbands” I commend it to your understanding of marriage.

I invite comments by both men and women,
Written by Cyndie Hamley

With downcast eyes, Kathryn confided, “I have a hard time respecting my husband. I want to be obedient to God’s command, but I don’t want to be dishonest to my feelings.”

God doesn’t command a wife to feel respectful toward her husband. She is to be respectful. Her responsibility is to obey God; not her feelings.

A wise woman once told me, “If you want a truly fine husband, respect him at the level at which you want him to reach. A man will usually not rise above the level at which his wife respects him.” This is a general principle, not a hard and fast rule because God does not put accountability or responsibility for a man’s character on his wife. Nevertheless, strong evidence indicates a woman holds great power to make or break a man. In his book His Needs, Her Needs,

Life Lesson: Rekindle the romance
Brides Series: 8 Lessons

Willard Harley amends the saying “Behind every great man is a great woman” to “Behind every great man is an admiring wife.”

Something in a man needs the respect of his wife. He thrives and grows toward godliness when his need is fulfilled. This explains why God emphatically says, “The wife must see to it that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33 NASB).

10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband

1.Pray for him daily and trust God to answer your requests.
◦Pray for his well-being, wisdom, protection, blessings, guidance, knowledge, spiritual maturity, success, purity, strength in temptation, etc.
◦Look for God’s answers to your prayers.
◦Thank God for working in your family.
◦Thank God for your husband.
◦Pray for your attitude.

2.Remember that God has put your husband in a position of leadership, and He will lead you through your husband.

3.Make a list of your husband’s qualities that you appreciate. Review and add to your list regularly.

4.Tell your husband what you appreciate about him. Tell others what you appreciate about him.

5.Don’t criticize your husband to others – especially your children.

6.Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating. If you find it boring when he spends time telling you about his bad day, remember that at least he is talking to you, spending time with you, sharing his concerns with you, bringing you into his confidence, and giving you the chance to be an encourager and helper.

7.Respond to his loving advances with enthusiasm.

8.If you are concerned about a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
◦“I’m confused about _________. Can you explain it to me?”
◦“Can we talk about _____? I feel uncomfortable about ______.”
◦Don’t ask: “WHY in the world would you do it that way?” or ask “Why?” in any way that implies you think he is foolish.

9.Respect his likes and dislikes. If he likes a particular food, make a point of serving that regularly. If he hates the color purple, don’t wear purple in his presence. If he likes you to wear perfume, do it.

10.If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of something else – especially things from your positive quality list.
Remember, God is working on you and your husband. You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes. Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure. In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.


Sex and The Bible, Surprising Good Facts That You Did Not Know

August 18, 2010

SEX AND THE BIBLE

Unfortunately, most people have the notion that you are not supposed to talk about sex in church. As a former minister of youth, I was castigated by some parents for teaching a high school class on the subject of what the bible defines as sexual sin. I was told: “you are not supposed to talk about sex in church.” At a seminar called Total Woman at our church, we had some women object because it contained sexual references and how a woman is supposed to take care of her husband. This feeling prevails even today in churches. My question is: Do you think that God made a mistake? How about those references in the Bible about sex? Should we tear those out of the Bible? Pastors and Sunday school teachers don’t dare teach or preach on the subject.

Today, we have a 50% divorce rate in the general population and 33% even among Christians. We have the highest divorce rate on the planet. What is really sad is the research that shows definitively the life-long damage done to children as the result of divorce. Couples fight about the big three: money, sex and kids. The bible is very clear on sexual issues between husband and wife. Because fighting is common over sex, there is a scripturally mandated ministry in Titus 2:4-5 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands that the word of God be not blasphemed. KJV

Research shows that fully 60% of women only want sex once a week. Sadly they inflict that schedule on their husbands. Now I know that there are exceptions and sometimes it is the wife with a high libido and a husband who does not want it as much. Our purpose is to cover the majority of the people out there. We will consider what the bible says as we are commanded to do in living our lives.

It says in Proverbs: Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as a loving hind and a pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee AT ALL TIMES; and be thou ravished ALWAYS with her love. Most women feel that they have a perfect right to reject her husband’s sexual overtures any time she feels like it. This is what is taught by the feminists. On the other hand, when is the last time that you ever saw a feminist point anyone to Jesus? Is there any thing in the above passage that you could interpret to get that permission? Ravished is a biblical word for not only giving your husband sex, but giving him GREAT SEX. When you give him sex willing and lovingly, it is called appropriately MAKING LOVE because of the feelings that it engenders on his part. God made it a powerful bonding agent between a man and a woman. When you refuse your husband’s sexual overtures, the converse is, you are MAKING RESENTMENT. Every time he is forced to masturbate to relieve his sexual tensions, you create resentment. Many times he will resort to pornography for arousal. The bible forbids us to be a “stumbling block” in Romans 14:13, Mathew 18:7.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevelolence; and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife doth not have power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, so that Satan tempt you not for your incontinence. I Corinthians 7:3-5

If you read this, there is no way that you can interpret that the wife has a right to say no to her husband. Nevertheless, so many of you do with impunity in defiance of God’s word.

So many women try to relate to their husband’s sexuality through their own. Men’s sexuality is driven by semen build-up. Remember the time when you were pregnant. It is a fact of life that a pregnant woman has to urinate more often because the baby is pressing on your bladder. You can’t help it. Now let us play role reversal here for a minute. Think about your husband feeling the same way as you do, because that is what a man’s sexual drive feels like. He does not have a choice when he needs relief. Let us role play here further. Imagine that you are in a car with him on a long trip and you are pregnant. You say; “honey, can you pull over because I have to go to the bathroom.” Now let us pretend that your husband answers you like so many women answer their husband’s requests for sex: What you want to go to the bathroom again, is that all you can ever think about? Do you have a one track mind? What are you some kind of urination addict? I am tired, I don’t feel like pulling over. Leave me alone and quit bugging me. Listen, maybe tomorrow I will pull over and let you go the bathroom. If men talked that way to their wives there would be such a huge outcry across the land.

For the most part women want sex once a week. For the most part men want sex 3-5 times a week. Let us compromise and say you give it to him 4 times a week. I can just hear the screams and howls from you women now. “NO WAY AM I DOING IT THAT OFTEN”. The average act takes about 30 minutes start to finish. If you actually gave your husband 4 times a week, that would come to two hours. Now out of 168 hours in the week, that represents only slightly more than one percent of your time. I say that if you can’t give your husband 1% of your time to nurture him and love him, your priorities are all wrong. God wants 10% and you can’t give your husband a lousy 1%? This is why most men are not very romantic, they figure, why bother? Most women don’t understand that it is the woman that inspires men to romance by how they treat him. From the time that you were a little girl, you dreamed about Happily Ever After. The problem with that dream is that has always been self-centered. You imagine the prince gazing upon you with rapt attention, but you never understand that the prince has needs that you need to satisfy. Because you don’t satisfy them, he stops being romantic.

God in the Old Testament allowed multiple wives and concubines for men to be able to satisfy their generally higher sex drives. God allowed this so that men would not commit adultery. Then in God’s progressive revelation, He changed it to where there was one man and one woman and it transitioned in Proverbs 31. The heart of the husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31: 11-12. Now many bible translators incorrectly translate the Hebrew word for spoil here as meaning earthly gain. This is incorrect. The old fashioned term spoil comes from the spoils of war.. This is where the invading army got to go in and take things from the homes of the killed opposing soldiers. One of the main things that they took were the women who were then destined to become secondary wives called concubines with a status only slightly above a slave. When the primary wife refused her husband’s sexual overtures, then it fell to the concubine to satisfy the man’s needs. Well Proverbs 31 here means that he shall have only one wife, but she is now obligated to satisfy all of his sexual needs. She honors his trust in her by taking care of him sexually. It reiterates that she shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life. How is denying your husband doing him good?
Finally, as parents and our parents have done, we have put so much emphasis on thou shalt not to daughters, many can’t relax and enjoy their sexuality as the gift that God made it and intended for it. As a coach, this is a common thing that I work with women on. Freeing them from inhibitions to enjoying their sexuality. The bible addresses this issue in part in Hebrews 13:4 where it says: Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; This means that there is nothing that you and your husband can do in bed that is wrong. You need to relax, enjoy your sexuality and understand that biblically you don’t have the right to say no. If you do, I promise that you will see your husband be much more attentive and actually develop some romantic tendencies. Whether or not the relationship succeeds or fails is largely up to you the wife. I will leave you with one last biblical warning: “Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one plucks it down with her hands.” Proverbs 14:1 The house being referred to here is her husband as in the house of David. We are not talking about actual construction issues.

Try it God’s way for 30 days and you will be amazed at the difference in your marriage and ultimate happiness. Happily Ever After is possible if you follow God’s plan for marriage.


Childhood Sexual Abuse, The Dirty Secret That Women Don’t Tell Anyone About, But Live With

August 15, 2010

As a marriage, relationship and sexual coach, I have heard too many stories that break my heart. You may have already read my post about women being ambivalent over their sexuality. What I find is that the majority of these women who have ambivalence over sex were sexually abused as children or young teens. Often by a member of their own family including even her father or step father.

I will confine my remarks to one young woman that I dealt with last year. She was sexually abused by her father from the time that she was five until she finally put a stop to it when she was 17. She was abused EVERY NIGHT.

What tore her up was her terrible guilt because she let him do it without fighting it because it felt so good. He did not hurt her and always made sure that she had a climax.
As a result, she had problems with her sexuality and could not develop a close male relationship. She was 27 and sublimating her sexuality with a killer work schedule of 90 hours a week. She was completely screwed up because while she did put a stop to it when she was 17 she suffered with the staggering guilt of enjoying it. While her body succumbed to the pleasure, her mind recoiled later and wondered what kind of monster she was for enjoying something so terribly wrong.

I had diagnosed the problem and she was surprised that I diagnosed it because she was always very careful not to tell anyone including her own mother. I diagnosed it because of her rage reaction to me over something seemingly minor in a business deal that I was negotiating with a publisher. She was the publisher’s agent. We became friends after I confronted her with it and the story came spilling out finally.

Like so many women who have a relationship with a counselor she experienced transference and wanted me to have sex with her. I explained that I could not help her with dealing with inappropriate sex by having inappropriate sex with her.
Sadly before I really got to work with her and reassure her that it was not her fault and that she was a child and unable to form consent or understanding over what was happening to her. By her own words she thought that she was special and daddy was giving her special daddy love. I told her that her mother knew all about it. She denied it until I confronted her with the facts. He was in her bedroom every night with the door shut. He obviously was not having sex with his wife because he was expending all his sexual energy with his daughter. I told her that not only did the mom know it but was secretly relieved that she did not have to put out for her husband. It is likely that she was sexually abused as well as a girl.

The young woman in question was called home because her father had a heart attack and was not expected to live. Sure enough he died and I suggested to the young woman that she confront her mother about it. Unfortunately she confronted her mother in front of the whole family. Two days later the mom hung herself in the garage and died. The young lady stopped communicating with me. I am sure that it was because of the guilt that she felt because she felt like she caused her mother’s death.

You see that is the other thing that women hate themselves for. Too often it is a family member who has abused her and if she tells it would have negative consequences and the family member would go to jail and some family member s would turn on her and shame her for reporting it. This makes the woman feel like she is worthless and the needs of everyone else in the family are more important than her feelings.

This results in rage that is turned inwards and often leads to depression. Unfortunately it also leads to big problems with women’s sexuality. Every time that she has sex, it quite often results in a mini post traumatic stress syndrome reaction. Often women have to be drunk or stoned in order to have sex even with their husbands or they just routinely refuse the husband sex for as long as she can get away with.

This would also account for the rage reactions that I have gotten on other blogs when I suggested that women wear frilly lacy lingerie for their husbands. This would mean that she would openly embrace her sexuality which she is trying so hard not to embrace because of the negative memories. A lot of women wear white nylon panties with no lace. These panties are virginal because she wants to retreat to that time before her innocense was taken from her. Wearing frilly lacy lingerie would openly proclaim her sexuality. In a surprising poll in Ann Landers years ago, she asked if you could just settle for hugs would you do without sex. Surprisingly 40% of the women agreed with this statement. This leaves her husband feeling unloved, unappreciated and worthless. Sadly sexual abuse knows no color or economic class.

My first wife was sexually abused by her uncle. She went and told her mom and her mom’s answer was to turn and slap her hard in the face and tell her to never lie about her uncle again. She had no choice but to put up with the abuse because there was no place else to turn. As a result, she had a terrible time with sex. She would not do anything in bed but lay there. While she let me have sex anytime that I wanted, the idea of giving me a blow job for example was out of the question as well as any other thing that normal couples do. I felt like I was having sex with a sex doll for all the reaction that she gave in the bedroom. The marriage only lasted for four years. Sadly a footnote to that story was that her 3 sisters were all abused too, and all starting at age 12. The uncle then impregnated the mother while she was still married to her father but the mother was not giving the father sex, but giving it to the uncle. The marriage of course ended in divorce and all the sisters had problems with sex as a result. Without a strong male figure in the house, the boy who was born as a result of that union being surrounded by sisters turned out to be gay.

The overwhelming majority of prostitutes and porn stars were sexually abused as girls as well. They became dead inside and therefore could turn their feelings off during sex and go somewhere else.

I too was sexually abused by a Catholic priest. So I know many of the feelings that you struggle with.

I believe that it is for this reason that rape was a death penalty offense in the Old Testament. It used to be in this country as well. Sadly sex offenders can’t be fixed and there is no effective therapy for them. I believe in life imprisonment for sexual offenders because they get out and do it again to another little girl or boy.

The bottom line is that your secret will be safe with me should you want to talk to me and finally unload it. There is help for this. If you don’t feel comfortable with me, then get help somewhere because you deserve a good sex life too. You can get help if you choose to and I am highly recommending that you get it. I remain open to help. Just drop me a line at my professional email address at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder


Why Many Women Have Such Ambivalence Over Sex

August 13, 2010

I have been on a lot of blogs on here and have been really beaten up by some women. My sin, suggesting to them that they wear frilly lacy lingerie to please their husbands. You would have thought I was the vilest man ever to come down the pike based upon their hateful condescending remarks.

I have talked to many women about this. It would seem that a lot of women have issues with their body image. It would seem that lingerie is as threatening to women as bathing suits. So instead of saying that they resort to put downs and name calling and shaming statements. Now I am a marriage, relationship and sexual coach. It is my job to help women over these negative feelings about their sexuality. Listen women, you are your own worst critics. You don’t need to be model thin or have a perfect body to please your husband. He is not going to be turned off seeing you in lacy lingerie, but will really appreciate your efforts on his behalf. Romance works both ways after all, or at least it should.

I want to help free women to enjoy their sexuality and revel in it. It is in large part to our puritanical heritage and churches that teach little girls that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it. By the time that they are old enough to embrace their sexuality they are so negatively conditioned that they never fully outgrow the negative image.

This is evidenced in many ways with women. I was recently on another blog where the women confessed that they really had a problem talking dirty to their boyfriends or husbands. I was on another blog where women bragged about being as foul mouthed and cursing as men, and yet still they have a problem bringing that into the bedroom and incorporating it into their love lives.

Many women have problems being sexually adventurous in engaging fantasies or giving their men full blow jobs. Even more so hate the idea of anal sex. Sex is one of the big 3 that couples fight about. This is sad. You have already read kdaddy’s blog about how badly men feel when their women refuse them sex or refuse requests in the bedroom.
Now that is not to say that women don’t have legitimate complaints about men, and sometimes men’s attitudes.

Women, the Bible is filled with positive commands to have a great sex life. It says that there is nothing that you can do in bed with your husband’s that is wrong in Hebrews 13:4.

I am suggesting to you to re-think your attitudes about sex. Shed those inhibitions; revel in sex with your husband. Scream when you come. Studies show that when you grunt or scream you can improve by 20%. It would be music to your man’s ears.
More importantly is to have a dialog with your husband. Explain to him what your inhibitions are based upon. This might take some introspection on your part to get down to what is really bothering you. I know that for too many of you, you are hiding past sexual abuse that you have never told anyone including your husband. You can get relief for this by dealing with it with an experienced counselor. Too many of you feel like it was somehow it was your fault. For many of you, you feel damaged and dirty. This is negative thinking. It was not your fault. I too was sexually abused and know the shame of that. I got help with it and it is nothing more to me now than an unfortunate experience in my life.

What I am suggesting is to stop making sex a negative and turn it into a positive bonding experience between you and your husband. You will find that your husband will blossom in this environment. This has been proved in the past. Marabelle Morgan of The Total Woman fame taught women this and saved thousands of marriages and made a whole lot more marriages great. Women could not believe the difference in their husbands and how much more romantic they became, more loving and caring, more tender. Dr Laura Schlesinger suggests the same things. Michelle Wiener Davis of Divorce Busting suggests to women to just do it even if you don’t particularly feel like it because it pays real dividends in the marriage. I suggest putting it to the test for yourself. Commit to one month to do it with your husband any time he wants it. Buy some new frilly lingerie and wear it for him willingly without any grudging or griping. Give him what he wants in bed. After 30 days evaluate for yourself the difference in your marriage and see if I am not right.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder


Why Women Turn Men Down For Sex and The Ramifications of That Decision

August 11, 2010

This is a repost of Kdaddy’s blog and his response to my piece on 20 Reasons To Have Sex. He goes into greater detail over the interpersonal dynamics of men women relationships. He tends to be long winded but goes into much greater detail. I commend his thought provoking prose to you for your consideration. I invite comments from both men and women on this important topic.

I was just reading fellow blogger John’s post on 20 Reasons To Have Sex and his
opening, wow, this is one irate marriage counselor when it comes to women who deny their men sex! I won’t profess to know exactly why this happens… but I’m willing to take a stab at it.

Once women became fully empowered and thus so in relationships, the whole thing changed, beginning with the traditional marriage vows and, specifically, the part that used to say, “…love, honor and obey…” Empowered women jumped all over this once-standard phrase like a pack of starving piranhas and, today, that phrase no longer exists in traditional Christian marriage vows. Right along with that, another “tradition” – more like the unwritten rule, probably, is the whole thing about wifely duties – and they weren’t talking about cooking and cleaning; it’s the thing that says that if you’re a woman and getting married, you are expected and required to have sex with your husband, not when you want to, but whenever he does.

Oh, the girls weren’t liking that one! After a lot of years of husbands exercising this “right,” some gal somewhere got her husband arrested and jailed for marital rape – and a new trend came into existence. Not only are women not going to obey, but they’re not going to have sex with you if they don’t want to – and almost every court in this country will back that up.

It’s not that women don’t know that, yeah, that’s all part of the being married thing – chances are, it’s one of reasons why she married you in the first place. What I believe is going on behind the scenes of this is kinda simple yet not so simple. Women just don’t think about sex as much or as often as men do – everyone knows this. But this is what I kinda figured out: If she’s not thinking about sex, you’re not supposed to be thinking about it either. It’s simple; you want to do the horizontal bop with her because, yeah, it’s one of the reasons why you married her… but it’s the last thing on her mind.

Problems escalate at this point because, yup, there are some women you just can’t talk to about this. Bring it up and they’ll say, “Yeah, so what? Just because you always want to do it doesn’t me I want to… or have to!” Some husbands go Old Testament on their wives, reminding them of their marriage vows; it’s a good arguing point but, ah, go back and read those vows. As any wife will tell you – and how they know this is beyond me – there is nothing in those vows that says she has to screw you whenever you want it; it’s not written but it is implied and that, gentlemen, makes all the difference in the world. Add to this that any time you have sex with a woman and she didn’t want to do it, it is technically rape, a crime that can get you a life sentence if convicted. Wind up in criminal court over this and, homey, you’re going to jail; however, in a divorce court, you could win your freedom by invoking loss of consort; if nothing else, girlfriend or her lawyer gets to explain to the divorce judge why she’s not doing what she’s expected to do by virtue of being married.

Oh, man, what a pretty mess this is! Of course, what usually happens in such situations is that the husband will go and find someone else who does want to have sex with him more often. If he gets busted – and he will – the wife’s gonna nail his ass to the wall in some way and the kicker is that he’s gonna get his head handed to him for doing something that’s technically illegal and morally wrong because his wife doesn’t want to.

I don’t think this is a matter of all women being bra-burning, man-hating creatures; I actually believe that the discrepancy in this came around because of their empowerment; they just have too much stuff running around in their heads for sex to be a big deal for them. That they do have so much on their minds at any one time can either depress them or even anger them and being married to a guy who’s literally walking around with a boner all the time and howling at the moon, well, just gets on her last good nerve and advances are met with the question, “Is that all you think about?”

Well, no, it’s not, honey… but, yeah, it’s on my mind all the time. It’s one of the reasons why I married you because I love having sex with you! When we were dating, we had sex damn near all of the time… so what happened after we got married?”

Say this to her… then watch what might happen. She might even agree with you that this part of the marriage has drastically changed; she knows it, understands how important it is to you and the marriage, and good luck getting this back on track because every reason she’s going to give you for the change won’t make any sense to you, which will be every variation of “I don’t feel like it” that you’ve ever heard and maybe some that you’ve never heard before.

Yeah, it very well could be that you are the reason why she doesn’t want to have sex with you; if this is the case, I can pretty much guarantee you that you will not like what’s she’s going to say about you in this. In the thirty some-odd years I was married to my first wife, I heard so much stuff about why she didn’t want to have sex with me that either pissed me off or made me so depressed it wasn’t funny. And, yes, when she blamed me for not wanting to have sex, the reasons she gave made me want to punch her in the face… but I never did.

You could show your wife the twenty reasons for having sex; she might understand them or she might think this is another ruse on your part to get into her panties when she doesn’t want you there. Even the most patient of men are going to get to the point where this behavior just isn’t going to be tolerated – and all this is going to do is cause more problems in the marriage. It’s easy to say to a woman that if you don’t want your man to be cheating on you, fuck him – and that’s supposed to be in the good way. However, even women who know the answer to keeping him out of someone else’s bed just won’t do it; I think that the idea of him cheating on her just adds to whatever issues are ricocheting around in her head.

At some point, the husband “gets used” to not having sex with his wife, “gets used” to not expecting it… and when she surprises him with some sex, well, it has mixed results depending on why she’s decided to give it up to him. She’s either decided to give in to her horniness, which has found time to appear… or she’s figured that it’s time to give him some just to keep him quiet about it. If it’s the latter, there are some men who can actually sense this and know that she’s not really doing it because she wants to – she’s doing it because she feels she has to and that actually doesn’t make the situation any better. Sometimes, the husband’s response is not as expected and that’ll create a whole new set of reasons why she’s not going to give it up for a while after this.

I know for myself, I could tell when my ex really wanted to and when she was giving me some just to keep me from bringing it up – and it was a different as night and day. If it was a mercy fuck, well, I got to the point where I could recognize this… then tell her never mind; I would have rather she fuck me because she wanted to, not because she felt sorry for me in this.

There’s really not a whole lot that can be done about this. You can go to counseling, you can beg, plead, and even threaten to get it elsewhere… and that’s not going to fix anything. If anything, it’s just going to create more resentment in the wife and maybe even to the point where she’s so tired of you begging for the pussy like Keith Sweat that it’ll make her give it to someone else. Yeah, the female mind does and can work like that… She will see you as unappreciative, assume that you no longer love and respect her, and decide it’s time to find someone who will appreciate the woman she is and all she has to offer.

The funny thing about this is that if she does cheat – and it’ll be your fault, by the way – the lucky guy will, for a time, be getting all the booty you were supposed to get… until she does the same thing to him that she did to you: If I don’t feel like it, you shouldn’t either; if I’m not thinking about it, you’re not supposed to think about it either. The cycle repeats itself and now some other guy is wondering why this very sexy lady doesn’t want to have sex with him any longer.

A woman will tell you in a heartbeat that no matter what anyone says, it’s her body and she has the right to decide whether or not she wants to give it up. Once this is invoked, fellas, you can pretty much forget getting any from her. It’s about rights and empowerment and goes along with what I said yesterday about tradition getting kicked to the curb in favor of something else, except in this case, it’s not a good thing that’s happening. The dynamic changed a long time ago now and there will be no going back in this. You can argue logically and successfully that sex in the relationship is important – hey, she might even agree with you… which has absolutely nothing to do with anything in her mind.

She’ll come back and tell you emphatically that relationships should not be just about sex, that it shouldn’t be the most important thing in the relationship and that she has value beyond that. And she’s right… but. See, it’s my position that people who think sex isn’t that important in a relationship are, frankly and bluntly, lying to themselves and each other. It is very important and, as John’s blog pointed out, one of the three reasons why relationships fail and just might be the number one reason why they do.

She might even know this – women are smart, after all. Does any of this make a difference to her? Nope, not one iota. It’s one of the reasons why men insist that women are the most insane people on the planet; they want to be seen as sexy and desirable and will rip your head off when you respond to them in that way. It’s only something that makes sense to women and I’ve had lots of women explain this behavior to me and even as intelligent as I think I am, I don’t understand it – I don’t think I ever will.

A woman will tell you that this is part of their mystique and she has to have something that’ll keep you coming back for more – and we all get that… except when we do come back for more, ah, you’re not of a mind to give it to us. And women want to know why we get so angry and confused where they’re concerned? Traditional marriage stuff says that a wife should never, ever, deny sex to her husband and you’d probably have to pick up your bible to find any written reference to this – John, you probably know this better than I do. So while this might be biblical, as I said back in the beginning of this, it does not appear anywhere in modern marriage vows of the Christian variety; I cannot speak to what other religions or ceremonies dictate or mandate in this (maybe John knows this, too).

So, yeah, if she didn’t vow to fuck you, hmm, she’s not going to and even more so if you demand that she does. Throw your vows at her and she will beat you over the head with them; get biblical on her and I hope you’re wearing a cup and full body armor when you do. Let’s face it, guys; if she doesn’t want to fuck you, there is nothing you can do to get her to do it short of raping her – and we’ve all heard what they do to rapists in prison, haven’t we? You can threaten her with cheating – good luck with that one. Hell, she might even tell you to go ahead and do it… and I hope you have a good lawyer when you do.

We’re supposed to understand why our women will not have sex with us and, really, some of the reasons aren’t that hard to understand. Understanding them, most of the time, is easy; doing something about it is an entirely different kettle of fish. You say, “Okay, honey, I think I understand this – but what do we do about it?”

I’d say the majority of the time, the answer to this question will be, “I don’t know.” Ask her what it is you need to do and she’ll either say she doesn’t know, ask you to be understanding, and ask you to be patient in this. Um, ladies, some guys just ain’t good with some of this and, as I mentioned, even the most patient man will eventually run out of patience because waiting for her to come back around can take years.

I hope masturbation is something you enjoy…

There is no logical or emotional argument that will be effective and get you what you want from her; there’s just nothing you can do except change the relationship in some way – and that’s usually by divorcing her. There are probably only a handful of men who can be in a relationship without any prospect of sex – and they are definitely in the minority. Now, if you remember my rantings and ravings about people doing whatever’s necessary to preserve the relationship, she might even agree to some changes; hell, those changes just might even get her back on track, rejuvenating her as it were.

Realistically, though, this ain’t likely to happen. To suggest such changes will be seen as an affront to her, the ultimate form of disrespect for her as a wife and a woman and, yes, sir, you will pay dearly for this; hell, she might even give it up to someone else because, to her, you just don’t appreciate what she has to offer so someone else will. What is worse, in my opinion, is that if she doesn’t do this (and there’s no guarantee that she won’t), she will withdraw further into herself, becoming a mere shell of the person you met and fell in love with and from there, no aspect of your relationship will ever be the same again.

Of course, it goes almost without saying that not all women behave like this; there are some women who’ll just flat out wear you out because they want the sex – and you – every chance available and the only problem at this point is if you can’t keep up with her and she expects you to be able to. Some women accept the implied directive to give it up to her husband when he wants it – they don’t have a problem with because they firmly believe it’s their duty to do so. When that woman says, “I don’t feel like it right now,” husbands aren’t going to complain a whole lot because she rarely doesn’t feel like it; to this end, the law of averages says that maybe 2 out of 10 times, she won’t feel like it for some reason and, yep, that’s okay because those other eight times, the two of you are knocking holes in the walls, breaking beds, etc.

To John and other counselors out there, fellas, you can say whatever you want to women about this and if they’ve decided they’re not going to do it – and because it’s their lawful right not to – nothing you are going to say is going to change her mind. Period. You may succeed in getting her to see the logic and common sense in this – and they just might get it – but just because they know and understand this doesn’t mean compliance.

I even invite any women who might read this to give their opinions about this; sometimes, if we, as men, understand the situation, it makes it a bit easier to deal with – well, some of us can. As a man, I know how this makes me feel and none of it is good. It can make us feel impotent, useless, and worthless; it can anger us to the point of doing something we might regret later or depress us to the point of not caring. It does make us feel unloved and creates self-doubt within us. And it’s not as if women don’t understand the impact on us but when you’re a guy going through this, it looks as if you just don’t care about this and that you’re only concerned with yourself and not our union. Yeah, I know we’re just as guilty of this so, no, I’m not picking on women; if anything, we can be even more brutal about this than women can be and I’ve seen some men react so badly to this that it makes me ashamed to be a man.

The more you poke a woman about this, the worse the problem becomes; they do not want you reminding them of this and doing so only creates more resistance and further erodes the relationship. They will, invariably, see this as something that’s all about you and she will ask, “What about what I want?” It’s a legit question but the assumption we make as men is that when it comes to sex, it’s something you want, too – or were we wrong? Did we somehow misunderstand something in this regard? Did you, in fact, lie to us about your sexual desire for us?

I’m done here. This whole scenario is the reason why I speak to the alternatives that can be applied to preserve the relationship if they can work. It’s something that both husband and wife have to come to terms with, to realize that, yes, my love, sex is important to the both of us and our existence as a couple – what can we do to remedy this? Can it be remedied or are we done as husband and wife? I don’t have the answers, just my thoughts and opinions on this…


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