This is a repost of Kdaddy’s blog and his response to my piece on 20 Reasons To Have Sex. He goes into greater detail over the interpersonal dynamics of men women relationships. He tends to be long winded but goes into much greater detail. I commend his thought provoking prose to you for your consideration. I invite comments from both men and women on this important topic.
I was just reading fellow blogger John’s post on 20 Reasons To Have Sex and his
opening, wow, this is one irate marriage counselor when it comes to women who deny their men sex! I won’t profess to know exactly why this happens… but I’m willing to take a stab at it.
Once women became fully empowered and thus so in relationships, the whole thing changed, beginning with the traditional marriage vows and, specifically, the part that used to say, “…love, honor and obey…” Empowered women jumped all over this once-standard phrase like a pack of starving piranhas and, today, that phrase no longer exists in traditional Christian marriage vows. Right along with that, another “tradition” – more like the unwritten rule, probably, is the whole thing about wifely duties – and they weren’t talking about cooking and cleaning; it’s the thing that says that if you’re a woman and getting married, you are expected and required to have sex with your husband, not when you want to, but whenever he does.
Oh, the girls weren’t liking that one! After a lot of years of husbands exercising this “right,” some gal somewhere got her husband arrested and jailed for marital rape – and a new trend came into existence. Not only are women not going to obey, but they’re not going to have sex with you if they don’t want to – and almost every court in this country will back that up.
It’s not that women don’t know that, yeah, that’s all part of the being married thing – chances are, it’s one of reasons why she married you in the first place. What I believe is going on behind the scenes of this is kinda simple yet not so simple. Women just don’t think about sex as much or as often as men do – everyone knows this. But this is what I kinda figured out: If she’s not thinking about sex, you’re not supposed to be thinking about it either. It’s simple; you want to do the horizontal bop with her because, yeah, it’s one of the reasons why you married her… but it’s the last thing on her mind.
Problems escalate at this point because, yup, there are some women you just can’t talk to about this. Bring it up and they’ll say, “Yeah, so what? Just because you always want to do it doesn’t me I want to… or have to!” Some husbands go Old Testament on their wives, reminding them of their marriage vows; it’s a good arguing point but, ah, go back and read those vows. As any wife will tell you – and how they know this is beyond me – there is nothing in those vows that says she has to screw you whenever you want it; it’s not written but it is implied and that, gentlemen, makes all the difference in the world. Add to this that any time you have sex with a woman and she didn’t want to do it, it is technically rape, a crime that can get you a life sentence if convicted. Wind up in criminal court over this and, homey, you’re going to jail; however, in a divorce court, you could win your freedom by invoking loss of consort; if nothing else, girlfriend or her lawyer gets to explain to the divorce judge why she’s not doing what she’s expected to do by virtue of being married.
Oh, man, what a pretty mess this is! Of course, what usually happens in such situations is that the husband will go and find someone else who does want to have sex with him more often. If he gets busted – and he will – the wife’s gonna nail his ass to the wall in some way and the kicker is that he’s gonna get his head handed to him for doing something that’s technically illegal and morally wrong because his wife doesn’t want to.
I don’t think this is a matter of all women being bra-burning, man-hating creatures; I actually believe that the discrepancy in this came around because of their empowerment; they just have too much stuff running around in their heads for sex to be a big deal for them. That they do have so much on their minds at any one time can either depress them or even anger them and being married to a guy who’s literally walking around with a boner all the time and howling at the moon, well, just gets on her last good nerve and advances are met with the question, “Is that all you think about?”
Well, no, it’s not, honey… but, yeah, it’s on my mind all the time. It’s one of the reasons why I married you because I love having sex with you! When we were dating, we had sex damn near all of the time… so what happened after we got married?”
Say this to her… then watch what might happen. She might even agree with you that this part of the marriage has drastically changed; she knows it, understands how important it is to you and the marriage, and good luck getting this back on track because every reason she’s going to give you for the change won’t make any sense to you, which will be every variation of “I don’t feel like it” that you’ve ever heard and maybe some that you’ve never heard before.
Yeah, it very well could be that you are the reason why she doesn’t want to have sex with you; if this is the case, I can pretty much guarantee you that you will not like what’s she’s going to say about you in this. In the thirty some-odd years I was married to my first wife, I heard so much stuff about why she didn’t want to have sex with me that either pissed me off or made me so depressed it wasn’t funny. And, yes, when she blamed me for not wanting to have sex, the reasons she gave made me want to punch her in the face… but I never did.
You could show your wife the twenty reasons for having sex; she might understand them or she might think this is another ruse on your part to get into her panties when she doesn’t want you there. Even the most patient of men are going to get to the point where this behavior just isn’t going to be tolerated – and all this is going to do is cause more problems in the marriage. It’s easy to say to a woman that if you don’t want your man to be cheating on you, fuck him – and that’s supposed to be in the good way. However, even women who know the answer to keeping him out of someone else’s bed just won’t do it; I think that the idea of him cheating on her just adds to whatever issues are ricocheting around in her head.
At some point, the husband “gets used” to not having sex with his wife, “gets used” to not expecting it… and when she surprises him with some sex, well, it has mixed results depending on why she’s decided to give it up to him. She’s either decided to give in to her horniness, which has found time to appear… or she’s figured that it’s time to give him some just to keep him quiet about it. If it’s the latter, there are some men who can actually sense this and know that she’s not really doing it because she wants to – she’s doing it because she feels she has to and that actually doesn’t make the situation any better. Sometimes, the husband’s response is not as expected and that’ll create a whole new set of reasons why she’s not going to give it up for a while after this.
I know for myself, I could tell when my ex really wanted to and when she was giving me some just to keep me from bringing it up – and it was a different as night and day. If it was a mercy fuck, well, I got to the point where I could recognize this… then tell her never mind; I would have rather she fuck me because she wanted to, not because she felt sorry for me in this.
There’s really not a whole lot that can be done about this. You can go to counseling, you can beg, plead, and even threaten to get it elsewhere… and that’s not going to fix anything. If anything, it’s just going to create more resentment in the wife and maybe even to the point where she’s so tired of you begging for the pussy like Keith Sweat that it’ll make her give it to someone else. Yeah, the female mind does and can work like that… She will see you as unappreciative, assume that you no longer love and respect her, and decide it’s time to find someone who will appreciate the woman she is and all she has to offer.
The funny thing about this is that if she does cheat – and it’ll be your fault, by the way – the lucky guy will, for a time, be getting all the booty you were supposed to get… until she does the same thing to him that she did to you: If I don’t feel like it, you shouldn’t either; if I’m not thinking about it, you’re not supposed to think about it either. The cycle repeats itself and now some other guy is wondering why this very sexy lady doesn’t want to have sex with him any longer.
A woman will tell you in a heartbeat that no matter what anyone says, it’s her body and she has the right to decide whether or not she wants to give it up. Once this is invoked, fellas, you can pretty much forget getting any from her. It’s about rights and empowerment and goes along with what I said yesterday about tradition getting kicked to the curb in favor of something else, except in this case, it’s not a good thing that’s happening. The dynamic changed a long time ago now and there will be no going back in this. You can argue logically and successfully that sex in the relationship is important – hey, she might even agree with you… which has absolutely nothing to do with anything in her mind.
She’ll come back and tell you emphatically that relationships should not be just about sex, that it shouldn’t be the most important thing in the relationship and that she has value beyond that. And she’s right… but. See, it’s my position that people who think sex isn’t that important in a relationship are, frankly and bluntly, lying to themselves and each other. It is very important and, as John’s blog pointed out, one of the three reasons why relationships fail and just might be the number one reason why they do.
She might even know this – women are smart, after all. Does any of this make a difference to her? Nope, not one iota. It’s one of the reasons why men insist that women are the most insane people on the planet; they want to be seen as sexy and desirable and will rip your head off when you respond to them in that way. It’s only something that makes sense to women and I’ve had lots of women explain this behavior to me and even as intelligent as I think I am, I don’t understand it – I don’t think I ever will.
A woman will tell you that this is part of their mystique and she has to have something that’ll keep you coming back for more – and we all get that… except when we do come back for more, ah, you’re not of a mind to give it to us. And women want to know why we get so angry and confused where they’re concerned? Traditional marriage stuff says that a wife should never, ever, deny sex to her husband and you’d probably have to pick up your bible to find any written reference to this – John, you probably know this better than I do. So while this might be biblical, as I said back in the beginning of this, it does not appear anywhere in modern marriage vows of the Christian variety; I cannot speak to what other religions or ceremonies dictate or mandate in this (maybe John knows this, too).
So, yeah, if she didn’t vow to fuck you, hmm, she’s not going to and even more so if you demand that she does. Throw your vows at her and she will beat you over the head with them; get biblical on her and I hope you’re wearing a cup and full body armor when you do. Let’s face it, guys; if she doesn’t want to fuck you, there is nothing you can do to get her to do it short of raping her – and we’ve all heard what they do to rapists in prison, haven’t we? You can threaten her with cheating – good luck with that one. Hell, she might even tell you to go ahead and do it… and I hope you have a good lawyer when you do.
We’re supposed to understand why our women will not have sex with us and, really, some of the reasons aren’t that hard to understand. Understanding them, most of the time, is easy; doing something about it is an entirely different kettle of fish. You say, “Okay, honey, I think I understand this – but what do we do about it?”
I’d say the majority of the time, the answer to this question will be, “I don’t know.” Ask her what it is you need to do and she’ll either say she doesn’t know, ask you to be understanding, and ask you to be patient in this. Um, ladies, some guys just ain’t good with some of this and, as I mentioned, even the most patient man will eventually run out of patience because waiting for her to come back around can take years.
I hope masturbation is something you enjoy…
There is no logical or emotional argument that will be effective and get you what you want from her; there’s just nothing you can do except change the relationship in some way – and that’s usually by divorcing her. There are probably only a handful of men who can be in a relationship without any prospect of sex – and they are definitely in the minority. Now, if you remember my rantings and ravings about people doing whatever’s necessary to preserve the relationship, she might even agree to some changes; hell, those changes just might even get her back on track, rejuvenating her as it were.
Realistically, though, this ain’t likely to happen. To suggest such changes will be seen as an affront to her, the ultimate form of disrespect for her as a wife and a woman and, yes, sir, you will pay dearly for this; hell, she might even give it up to someone else because, to her, you just don’t appreciate what she has to offer so someone else will. What is worse, in my opinion, is that if she doesn’t do this (and there’s no guarantee that she won’t), she will withdraw further into herself, becoming a mere shell of the person you met and fell in love with and from there, no aspect of your relationship will ever be the same again.
Of course, it goes almost without saying that not all women behave like this; there are some women who’ll just flat out wear you out because they want the sex – and you – every chance available and the only problem at this point is if you can’t keep up with her and she expects you to be able to. Some women accept the implied directive to give it up to her husband when he wants it – they don’t have a problem with because they firmly believe it’s their duty to do so. When that woman says, “I don’t feel like it right now,” husbands aren’t going to complain a whole lot because she rarely doesn’t feel like it; to this end, the law of averages says that maybe 2 out of 10 times, she won’t feel like it for some reason and, yep, that’s okay because those other eight times, the two of you are knocking holes in the walls, breaking beds, etc.
To John and other counselors out there, fellas, you can say whatever you want to women about this and if they’ve decided they’re not going to do it – and because it’s their lawful right not to – nothing you are going to say is going to change her mind. Period. You may succeed in getting her to see the logic and common sense in this – and they just might get it – but just because they know and understand this doesn’t mean compliance.
I even invite any women who might read this to give their opinions about this; sometimes, if we, as men, understand the situation, it makes it a bit easier to deal with – well, some of us can. As a man, I know how this makes me feel and none of it is good. It can make us feel impotent, useless, and worthless; it can anger us to the point of doing something we might regret later or depress us to the point of not caring. It does make us feel unloved and creates self-doubt within us. And it’s not as if women don’t understand the impact on us but when you’re a guy going through this, it looks as if you just don’t care about this and that you’re only concerned with yourself and not our union. Yeah, I know we’re just as guilty of this so, no, I’m not picking on women; if anything, we can be even more brutal about this than women can be and I’ve seen some men react so badly to this that it makes me ashamed to be a man.
The more you poke a woman about this, the worse the problem becomes; they do not want you reminding them of this and doing so only creates more resistance and further erodes the relationship. They will, invariably, see this as something that’s all about you and she will ask, “What about what I want?” It’s a legit question but the assumption we make as men is that when it comes to sex, it’s something you want, too – or were we wrong? Did we somehow misunderstand something in this regard? Did you, in fact, lie to us about your sexual desire for us?
I’m done here. This whole scenario is the reason why I speak to the alternatives that can be applied to preserve the relationship if they can work. It’s something that both husband and wife have to come to terms with, to realize that, yes, my love, sex is important to the both of us and our existence as a couple – what can we do to remedy this? Can it be remedied or are we done as husband and wife? I don’t have the answers, just my thoughts and opinions on this…