Why Many Women Have Such Ambivalence Over Sex

August 13, 2010

I have been on a lot of blogs on here and have been really beaten up by some women. My sin, suggesting to them that they wear frilly lacy lingerie to please their husbands. You would have thought I was the vilest man ever to come down the pike based upon their hateful condescending remarks.

I have talked to many women about this. It would seem that a lot of women have issues with their body image. It would seem that lingerie is as threatening to women as bathing suits. So instead of saying that they resort to put downs and name calling and shaming statements. Now I am a marriage, relationship and sexual coach. It is my job to help women over these negative feelings about their sexuality. Listen women, you are your own worst critics. You don’t need to be model thin or have a perfect body to please your husband. He is not going to be turned off seeing you in lacy lingerie, but will really appreciate your efforts on his behalf. Romance works both ways after all, or at least it should.

I want to help free women to enjoy their sexuality and revel in it. It is in large part to our puritanical heritage and churches that teach little girls that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it. By the time that they are old enough to embrace their sexuality they are so negatively conditioned that they never fully outgrow the negative image.

This is evidenced in many ways with women. I was recently on another blog where the women confessed that they really had a problem talking dirty to their boyfriends or husbands. I was on another blog where women bragged about being as foul mouthed and cursing as men, and yet still they have a problem bringing that into the bedroom and incorporating it into their love lives.

Many women have problems being sexually adventurous in engaging fantasies or giving their men full blow jobs. Even more so hate the idea of anal sex. Sex is one of the big 3 that couples fight about. This is sad. You have already read kdaddy’s blog about how badly men feel when their women refuse them sex or refuse requests in the bedroom.
Now that is not to say that women don’t have legitimate complaints about men, and sometimes men’s attitudes.

Women, the Bible is filled with positive commands to have a great sex life. It says that there is nothing that you can do in bed with your husband’s that is wrong in Hebrews 13:4.

I am suggesting to you to re-think your attitudes about sex. Shed those inhibitions; revel in sex with your husband. Scream when you come. Studies show that when you grunt or scream you can improve by 20%. It would be music to your man’s ears.
More importantly is to have a dialog with your husband. Explain to him what your inhibitions are based upon. This might take some introspection on your part to get down to what is really bothering you. I know that for too many of you, you are hiding past sexual abuse that you have never told anyone including your husband. You can get relief for this by dealing with it with an experienced counselor. Too many of you feel like it was somehow it was your fault. For many of you, you feel damaged and dirty. This is negative thinking. It was not your fault. I too was sexually abused and know the shame of that. I got help with it and it is nothing more to me now than an unfortunate experience in my life.

What I am suggesting is to stop making sex a negative and turn it into a positive bonding experience between you and your husband. You will find that your husband will blossom in this environment. This has been proved in the past. Marabelle Morgan of The Total Woman fame taught women this and saved thousands of marriages and made a whole lot more marriages great. Women could not believe the difference in their husbands and how much more romantic they became, more loving and caring, more tender. Dr Laura Schlesinger suggests the same things. Michelle Wiener Davis of Divorce Busting suggests to women to just do it even if you don’t particularly feel like it because it pays real dividends in the marriage. I suggest putting it to the test for yourself. Commit to one month to do it with your husband any time he wants it. Buy some new frilly lingerie and wear it for him willingly without any grudging or griping. Give him what he wants in bed. After 30 days evaluate for yourself the difference in your marriage and see if I am not right.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder


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