Why Many Women Have Such Ambivalence Over Sex

I have been on a lot of blogs on here and have been really beaten up by some women. My sin, suggesting to them that they wear frilly lacy lingerie to please their husbands. You would have thought I was the vilest man ever to come down the pike based upon their hateful condescending remarks.

I have talked to many women about this. It would seem that a lot of women have issues with their body image. It would seem that lingerie is as threatening to women as bathing suits. So instead of saying that they resort to put downs and name calling and shaming statements. Now I am a marriage, relationship and sexual coach. It is my job to help women over these negative feelings about their sexuality. Listen women, you are your own worst critics. You don’t need to be model thin or have a perfect body to please your husband. He is not going to be turned off seeing you in lacy lingerie, but will really appreciate your efforts on his behalf. Romance works both ways after all, or at least it should.

I want to help free women to enjoy their sexuality and revel in it. It is in large part to our puritanical heritage and churches that teach little girls that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it. By the time that they are old enough to embrace their sexuality they are so negatively conditioned that they never fully outgrow the negative image.

This is evidenced in many ways with women. I was recently on another blog where the women confessed that they really had a problem talking dirty to their boyfriends or husbands. I was on another blog where women bragged about being as foul mouthed and cursing as men, and yet still they have a problem bringing that into the bedroom and incorporating it into their love lives.

Many women have problems being sexually adventurous in engaging fantasies or giving their men full blow jobs. Even more so hate the idea of anal sex. Sex is one of the big 3 that couples fight about. This is sad. You have already read kdaddy’s blog about how badly men feel when their women refuse them sex or refuse requests in the bedroom.
Now that is not to say that women don’t have legitimate complaints about men, and sometimes men’s attitudes.

Women, the Bible is filled with positive commands to have a great sex life. It says that there is nothing that you can do in bed with your husband’s that is wrong in Hebrews 13:4.

I am suggesting to you to re-think your attitudes about sex. Shed those inhibitions; revel in sex with your husband. Scream when you come. Studies show that when you grunt or scream you can improve by 20%. It would be music to your man’s ears.
More importantly is to have a dialog with your husband. Explain to him what your inhibitions are based upon. This might take some introspection on your part to get down to what is really bothering you. I know that for too many of you, you are hiding past sexual abuse that you have never told anyone including your husband. You can get relief for this by dealing with it with an experienced counselor. Too many of you feel like it was somehow it was your fault. For many of you, you feel damaged and dirty. This is negative thinking. It was not your fault. I too was sexually abused and know the shame of that. I got help with it and it is nothing more to me now than an unfortunate experience in my life.

What I am suggesting is to stop making sex a negative and turn it into a positive bonding experience between you and your husband. You will find that your husband will blossom in this environment. This has been proved in the past. Marabelle Morgan of The Total Woman fame taught women this and saved thousands of marriages and made a whole lot more marriages great. Women could not believe the difference in their husbands and how much more romantic they became, more loving and caring, more tender. Dr Laura Schlesinger suggests the same things. Michelle Wiener Davis of Divorce Busting suggests to women to just do it even if you don’t particularly feel like it because it pays real dividends in the marriage. I suggest putting it to the test for yourself. Commit to one month to do it with your husband any time he wants it. Buy some new frilly lingerie and wear it for him willingly without any grudging or griping. Give him what he wants in bed. After 30 days evaluate for yourself the difference in your marriage and see if I am not right.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

15 Responses to Why Many Women Have Such Ambivalence Over Sex

  1. minxysmusings says:

    I would like to say I follow this blog and I agree with a lot of the things you say about equality going too far in the favor of women, and how women think they hold the upper hand and refuse sex with their husbands (a bad thing!)

    I would like to say that your comments on “obeying” and “having sex when he wants it” is a little wrong. I am all for pleasing my husband, but it is a partnership. You both have to be in the mood! It would be wrong to “pretend” you want sex and give in to your husband all the time wishing you were somewhere else.

    It is a fine line, I know, between making sure both husband and wife are pleased (and I have noticed the more sex my husband gets, the better husband and father he is during the day too!)

    Anyway, I just wanted to say that while I already do most of the advice you give, and pick up the tips you sometimes suggest…there are a few things that I think you are wrong about and need to be careful (a man reading some of your blogs may feel he has the right to “take” his wife without her consent…and that would be terrible!)


    M x

  2. John Wilder says:

    Hey Minxy:

    Thanks for the kind words. I would never support a man forcing his wife to have sex with him. My message is to women that if they love their husbands that perhaps she could cut him some slack when she does not especially feel like it. It gets very uncomfortable for men when the semen builds up in his scrotum and he is desperate for relief.

    Men are extremely sensitive creatures the same as women, they just don’t show it often because it is percieved as weak. Men feel rejected, unloved and uncared for when a woman forces him to masturbate alone.

    This thought is backed by numerous women in the helping professions.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  3. minxysmusings says:

    …and I totally get that, I do. I can see that is what you are trying to say. Could it, however, be worded better?

    I know these weren’t your words, as it was another man’s writing, but by posting them you are saying you agree with them…it was this quote that worried me…

    ” you are expected and required to have sex with your husband, not when you want to, but whenever he does.

    Oh, the girls weren’t liking that one! After a lot of years of husbands exercising this “right,” some gal somewhere got her husband arrested and jailed for marital rape – and a new trend came into existence. Not only are women not going to obey, but they’re not going to have sex with you if they don’t want to – and almost every court in this country will back that up.”

    We, as women, dont have to obey our husbands at all, but yes…we do need to understand their pressures and feelings and love them both emotionally and physically.

    I hope you can see how that quote can appear to be laughing at marital rape, and some men could take it as a cue that this sort of thing is ok.

    Like I said, I like most of what you post…just please be careful (maybe this is why some women don’t understand what you are trying to convey).

    M x

  4. kdaddy23 says:

    John, maybe the “problem” is that you’re a man trying to “tell” women how to be women? Some women could see your comments as a man’s idea of what a woman should be and, yeah, get greatly offended.

    And, minxysmusings, since I wrote that quote, no, I know that it’s not a laughing matter and any man stupid enough to try it deserves what’s gonna happen after that…

  5. John Wilder says:

    Hey Minxy
    Could it have been worded better, I guess so. The bottom line is that I speak for a lot of guys who have had their head bitten off and handed to them by the women in their lives. I am fearless and can take the heat when women attack me.
    I did not pick up on that line that women are expected to put out or I would have corrected it.

    I don’t want to be offensive, but educational. An example is Sex and The City. Carrie was a sex columnist and was clueless about men. She then went to her posse for answers who were equally clueless about men. It is true in women’s magazines that they also have women advice columnists. Asking another woman about the male psyche is about as stupid as a guy asking his buddies what it feels like for a woman to be pregnant.

    I am trying to serve as a resource for women in the care and feeding of husbands.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  6. Larry James says:

    Excellent article. Thank you for your courage in saying what needs to be said.

    Larry James
    Non-denominational Minister, Professional Speaker, Author and Relationship Coach.


  7. John Wilder says:

    Hey Larry:
    Thanks for the kind words. It takes courage to proclaim the truth because women tend to come out of the woodwork calling me all kinds of vile names and making insulting remarks. I just figure I put them under conviction and Satan always reacts this way when challenged.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilderp

    I used to be a babptist minister and have decided the better ministry is saving marriages because kids are sol profoundly negatively impacted by divorce.

  8. Cindy Holman says:


    I find you to be true and authentic in what you say and more women should listen to you – because you are absolutely right! Been married 29 years and it keeps getting better especially after a ‘reawakening’ so to speak about a year ago due to lack of emotional connecting. I tend to be a ‘stuffer’ and had not voiced what I needed or wanted – it got to be ‘normal’ for us. Then through some events in our personal life – we had a chance to begin again and do it better. There’s nothing wrong with pleasing your husband, wearing lingerie and making yourself look great – because that’s what men like. But personal confidence ranks WAY up there too. A women who is sure of herself and knows what she wants is sexy to a guy. And I’m lucky – I have a guy that is great in and out of the bedroom – loves to please me and we have a great understanding now. I feel sad for many couple even some of our friends who just have an ‘arrangement’ and it’s no way to live – I couldn’t go back to living like that now – so I try to tell it like it is – and writing has been a part of my healing – and essential to my journey. Keep writing – people need this!

    • Hey Cindy,
      Thanks for the kind words. Men have feelings too. You would not believe the hateful comments recently I have recieved. I know it is becuase they were under conviction over my comments and you know how Satan uses someone who is under conviction. I have the gift of holy boldness and am not cowed or shut up by hateful comments. I know that while outwardly these women were being hateful but I know that I have planted a seed in them.
      Your husband was right to leave the ministry. His first and most important ministy is his own home, wife and children. I am rejoicing over a woman who gets it and is experiencing great sex with a great husband. My heart rejoices for you and I know how appreciative your husband is. He needs your nurturing. Most little girls dream of happily ever after but it is always a very self centered dream because she gives no thought about what happily ever after looks like for her husband.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

  9. Cindy Holman says:

    By the way – my husband is an ordained minister with the A/G and went to Baptist seminary in Fort Worth. We are no longer on a church staff – and that saved our marriage.

  10. Succintly put but you are right.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  11. click says:

    An cool blog post right there mate . Thank you for the post !

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