Childhood Sexual Abuse, The Dirty Secret That Women Don’t Tell Anyone About, But Live With

As a marriage, relationship and sexual coach, I have heard too many stories that break my heart. You may have already read my post about women being ambivalent over their sexuality. What I find is that the majority of these women who have ambivalence over sex were sexually abused as children or young teens. Often by a member of their own family including even her father or step father.

I will confine my remarks to one young woman that I dealt with last year. She was sexually abused by her father from the time that she was five until she finally put a stop to it when she was 17. She was abused EVERY NIGHT.

What tore her up was her terrible guilt because she let him do it without fighting it because it felt so good. He did not hurt her and always made sure that she had a climax.
As a result, she had problems with her sexuality and could not develop a close male relationship. She was 27 and sublimating her sexuality with a killer work schedule of 90 hours a week. She was completely screwed up because while she did put a stop to it when she was 17 she suffered with the staggering guilt of enjoying it. While her body succumbed to the pleasure, her mind recoiled later and wondered what kind of monster she was for enjoying something so terribly wrong.

I had diagnosed the problem and she was surprised that I diagnosed it because she was always very careful not to tell anyone including her own mother. I diagnosed it because of her rage reaction to me over something seemingly minor in a business deal that I was negotiating with a publisher. She was the publisher’s agent. We became friends after I confronted her with it and the story came spilling out finally.

Like so many women who have a relationship with a counselor she experienced transference and wanted me to have sex with her. I explained that I could not help her with dealing with inappropriate sex by having inappropriate sex with her.
Sadly before I really got to work with her and reassure her that it was not her fault and that she was a child and unable to form consent or understanding over what was happening to her. By her own words she thought that she was special and daddy was giving her special daddy love. I told her that her mother knew all about it. She denied it until I confronted her with the facts. He was in her bedroom every night with the door shut. He obviously was not having sex with his wife because he was expending all his sexual energy with his daughter. I told her that not only did the mom know it but was secretly relieved that she did not have to put out for her husband. It is likely that she was sexually abused as well as a girl.

The young woman in question was called home because her father had a heart attack and was not expected to live. Sure enough he died and I suggested to the young woman that she confront her mother about it. Unfortunately she confronted her mother in front of the whole family. Two days later the mom hung herself in the garage and died. The young lady stopped communicating with me. I am sure that it was because of the guilt that she felt because she felt like she caused her mother’s death.

You see that is the other thing that women hate themselves for. Too often it is a family member who has abused her and if she tells it would have negative consequences and the family member would go to jail and some family member s would turn on her and shame her for reporting it. This makes the woman feel like she is worthless and the needs of everyone else in the family are more important than her feelings.

This results in rage that is turned inwards and often leads to depression. Unfortunately it also leads to big problems with women’s sexuality. Every time that she has sex, it quite often results in a mini post traumatic stress syndrome reaction. Often women have to be drunk or stoned in order to have sex even with their husbands or they just routinely refuse the husband sex for as long as she can get away with.

This would also account for the rage reactions that I have gotten on other blogs when I suggested that women wear frilly lacy lingerie for their husbands. This would mean that she would openly embrace her sexuality which she is trying so hard not to embrace because of the negative memories. A lot of women wear white nylon panties with no lace. These panties are virginal because she wants to retreat to that time before her innocense was taken from her. Wearing frilly lacy lingerie would openly proclaim her sexuality. In a surprising poll in Ann Landers years ago, she asked if you could just settle for hugs would you do without sex. Surprisingly 40% of the women agreed with this statement. This leaves her husband feeling unloved, unappreciated and worthless. Sadly sexual abuse knows no color or economic class.

My first wife was sexually abused by her uncle. She went and told her mom and her mom’s answer was to turn and slap her hard in the face and tell her to never lie about her uncle again. She had no choice but to put up with the abuse because there was no place else to turn. As a result, she had a terrible time with sex. She would not do anything in bed but lay there. While she let me have sex anytime that I wanted, the idea of giving me a blow job for example was out of the question as well as any other thing that normal couples do. I felt like I was having sex with a sex doll for all the reaction that she gave in the bedroom. The marriage only lasted for four years. Sadly a footnote to that story was that her 3 sisters were all abused too, and all starting at age 12. The uncle then impregnated the mother while she was still married to her father but the mother was not giving the father sex, but giving it to the uncle. The marriage of course ended in divorce and all the sisters had problems with sex as a result. Without a strong male figure in the house, the boy who was born as a result of that union being surrounded by sisters turned out to be gay.

The overwhelming majority of prostitutes and porn stars were sexually abused as girls as well. They became dead inside and therefore could turn their feelings off during sex and go somewhere else.

I too was sexually abused by a Catholic priest. So I know many of the feelings that you struggle with.

I believe that it is for this reason that rape was a death penalty offense in the Old Testament. It used to be in this country as well. Sadly sex offenders can’t be fixed and there is no effective therapy for them. I believe in life imprisonment for sexual offenders because they get out and do it again to another little girl or boy.

The bottom line is that your secret will be safe with me should you want to talk to me and finally unload it. There is help for this. If you don’t feel comfortable with me, then get help somewhere because you deserve a good sex life too. You can get help if you choose to and I am highly recommending that you get it. I remain open to help. Just drop me a line at my professional email address at

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

18 Responses to Childhood Sexual Abuse, The Dirty Secret That Women Don’t Tell Anyone About, But Live With

  1. vodkacranberry says:

    Great blog John. Makes for very interesting reading. The older you get, the more you realise that childhood is such a short period of time but those first few years dictate who we become in life as adults. It’s just a shame so many people abuse those childhood years with little thought for the consequences of their actions.

  2. Thanks for the kind words. I want to get back to Berlin for a visit. Prehaps we could share a dark beer together.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  3. lauradroege says:

    It’s heartbreaking & infuriating to hear about sexual abuse of any kind.

    I really feel for the young woman & your 1st wife, and for all people who have gone through this; what horrible, completely preventable tragedies.

    It makes me look at others in a different way, wondering what secrets they are holding in their hearts, afraid to share with anyone. I hope that I can be the type of person whom others can open up to and that I can help to comfort them, get them help, and (if they’re still in that situation), help get them OUT of it.

    I hope your post encourages others to get help, whether from you or another counselor. Blessings.

  4. Laura”

    Thanks for the kind words. I have a way of getting women to tell me their deepest darkest secrets.

    Some tell tale signs of past sexual abuse that has been unresolved:

    Excessive anger and rage over seemingly minor details especially directed at men. Sullen and withdrawn. Workaholism, perfectionism. Problems with interpersonal relationships, being a loner.

    You can aak if they were a past victim of sexual abuse and usually they will break down and admit it and tell their story. They have kept the secret for so long.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  5. gorgeouskim says:

    hi there hows it going

  6. Saran Gorley says:

    Wow you get a lot of visitors on your blog, nice job

  7. I completely agree with everything in this post. keep up the good work

  8. Provestra says:

    My friend. a lot more articles like yours

  9. This web site is really a walk-through for all of the info you wanted to know about this and didn’t know who to ask. Glimpse here, and you’ll definitely discover it.

  10. Hey Chandra
    Thanks for the nice comments
    John wilder

  11. Such a nice article! Thank you very much.

  12. There are certainly a couple more details to take into consideration, but thank you for sharing this information.

  13. Couldnt agree more with that, very attractive article

  14. Jumanji says:

    I dont want to take away from the profound ways that sexual abuse affects our lives. I was personally involved with a woman who had experienced sexual abuse, she never admitted it but always alluded to it, and i can say its a traumatic experience for the partners of abuse victims too when the person they care about is violent and abusive towards them for seemingly no reason. Its still taking me time to recover. But i must say i did find it patronizing the remark about how the lack of a dominant male figure was the reason that a child was born a homosexual. Even if we disagree morally over the sexual identity and life choices of others, i think this way of thinking can only lead to guilt and blame for something which we dont have the power/right to change. Also homosexual behaviour has also been around for as far back as the Greeks, i would imagine that the reasons are more complex than the lack of a dominant male figure.

    • Hey Jumanji
      Your points are well taken. I did not mean to suggest that the only reason a boy
      turns gay is the lack of a male role model, but there is a strong indication
      that this is one of the reasons.
      I suggest in my other blog posts to resolve differences and not get divorced
      because the stats on children living in a single parent family are

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

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