Sex and The Bible, Surprising Good Facts That You Did Not Know


Unfortunately, most people have the notion that you are not supposed to talk about sex in church. As a former minister of youth, I was castigated by some parents for teaching a high school class on the subject of what the bible defines as sexual sin. I was told: “you are not supposed to talk about sex in church.” At a seminar called Total Woman at our church, we had some women object because it contained sexual references and how a woman is supposed to take care of her husband. This feeling prevails even today in churches. My question is: Do you think that God made a mistake? How about those references in the Bible about sex? Should we tear those out of the Bible? Pastors and Sunday school teachers don’t dare teach or preach on the subject.

Today, we have a 50% divorce rate in the general population and 33% even among Christians. We have the highest divorce rate on the planet. What is really sad is the research that shows definitively the life-long damage done to children as the result of divorce. Couples fight about the big three: money, sex and kids. The bible is very clear on sexual issues between husband and wife. Because fighting is common over sex, there is a scripturally mandated ministry in Titus 2:4-5 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands that the word of God be not blasphemed. KJV

Research shows that fully 60% of women only want sex once a week. Sadly they inflict that schedule on their husbands. Now I know that there are exceptions and sometimes it is the wife with a high libido and a husband who does not want it as much. Our purpose is to cover the majority of the people out there. We will consider what the bible says as we are commanded to do in living our lives.

It says in Proverbs: Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as a loving hind and a pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee AT ALL TIMES; and be thou ravished ALWAYS with her love. Most women feel that they have a perfect right to reject her husband’s sexual overtures any time she feels like it. This is what is taught by the feminists. On the other hand, when is the last time that you ever saw a feminist point anyone to Jesus? Is there any thing in the above passage that you could interpret to get that permission? Ravished is a biblical word for not only giving your husband sex, but giving him GREAT SEX. When you give him sex willing and lovingly, it is called appropriately MAKING LOVE because of the feelings that it engenders on his part. God made it a powerful bonding agent between a man and a woman. When you refuse your husband’s sexual overtures, the converse is, you are MAKING RESENTMENT. Every time he is forced to masturbate to relieve his sexual tensions, you create resentment. Many times he will resort to pornography for arousal. The bible forbids us to be a “stumbling block” in Romans 14:13, Mathew 18:7.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevelolence; and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife doth not have power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, so that Satan tempt you not for your incontinence. I Corinthians 7:3-5

If you read this, there is no way that you can interpret that the wife has a right to say no to her husband. Nevertheless, so many of you do with impunity in defiance of God’s word.

So many women try to relate to their husband’s sexuality through their own. Men’s sexuality is driven by semen build-up. Remember the time when you were pregnant. It is a fact of life that a pregnant woman has to urinate more often because the baby is pressing on your bladder. You can’t help it. Now let us play role reversal here for a minute. Think about your husband feeling the same way as you do, because that is what a man’s sexual drive feels like. He does not have a choice when he needs relief. Let us role play here further. Imagine that you are in a car with him on a long trip and you are pregnant. You say; “honey, can you pull over because I have to go to the bathroom.” Now let us pretend that your husband answers you like so many women answer their husband’s requests for sex: What you want to go to the bathroom again, is that all you can ever think about? Do you have a one track mind? What are you some kind of urination addict? I am tired, I don’t feel like pulling over. Leave me alone and quit bugging me. Listen, maybe tomorrow I will pull over and let you go the bathroom. If men talked that way to their wives there would be such a huge outcry across the land.

For the most part women want sex once a week. For the most part men want sex 3-5 times a week. Let us compromise and say you give it to him 4 times a week. I can just hear the screams and howls from you women now. “NO WAY AM I DOING IT THAT OFTEN”. The average act takes about 30 minutes start to finish. If you actually gave your husband 4 times a week, that would come to two hours. Now out of 168 hours in the week, that represents only slightly more than one percent of your time. I say that if you can’t give your husband 1% of your time to nurture him and love him, your priorities are all wrong. God wants 10% and you can’t give your husband a lousy 1%? This is why most men are not very romantic, they figure, why bother? Most women don’t understand that it is the woman that inspires men to romance by how they treat him. From the time that you were a little girl, you dreamed about Happily Ever After. The problem with that dream is that has always been self-centered. You imagine the prince gazing upon you with rapt attention, but you never understand that the prince has needs that you need to satisfy. Because you don’t satisfy them, he stops being romantic.

God in the Old Testament allowed multiple wives and concubines for men to be able to satisfy their generally higher sex drives. God allowed this so that men would not commit adultery. Then in God’s progressive revelation, He changed it to where there was one man and one woman and it transitioned in Proverbs 31. The heart of the husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31: 11-12. Now many bible translators incorrectly translate the Hebrew word for spoil here as meaning earthly gain. This is incorrect. The old fashioned term spoil comes from the spoils of war.. This is where the invading army got to go in and take things from the homes of the killed opposing soldiers. One of the main things that they took were the women who were then destined to become secondary wives called concubines with a status only slightly above a slave. When the primary wife refused her husband’s sexual overtures, then it fell to the concubine to satisfy the man’s needs. Well Proverbs 31 here means that he shall have only one wife, but she is now obligated to satisfy all of his sexual needs. She honors his trust in her by taking care of him sexually. It reiterates that she shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life. How is denying your husband doing him good?
Finally, as parents and our parents have done, we have put so much emphasis on thou shalt not to daughters, many can’t relax and enjoy their sexuality as the gift that God made it and intended for it. As a coach, this is a common thing that I work with women on. Freeing them from inhibitions to enjoying their sexuality. The bible addresses this issue in part in Hebrews 13:4 where it says: Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; This means that there is nothing that you and your husband can do in bed that is wrong. You need to relax, enjoy your sexuality and understand that biblically you don’t have the right to say no. If you do, I promise that you will see your husband be much more attentive and actually develop some romantic tendencies. Whether or not the relationship succeeds or fails is largely up to you the wife. I will leave you with one last biblical warning: “Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one plucks it down with her hands.” Proverbs 14:1 The house being referred to here is her husband as in the house of David. We are not talking about actual construction issues.

Try it God’s way for 30 days and you will be amazed at the difference in your marriage and ultimate happiness. Happily Ever After is possible if you follow God’s plan for marriage.

24 Responses to Sex and The Bible, Surprising Good Facts That You Did Not Know

  1. Cindy Holman says:

    Great post John! I don’t think women realize that they perpetuate the apathy of their husbands and blame them for not being romantic. I see it both ways – being a woman. I think that the woman has a great amount of ‘power’ in this area and she can and does use this as a weapon. On the other hand I have witnessed a great many couples where the man is emotionally distant – or harsh and silent – making his wife feel like she’s not important or last on his list of importance. I recently wrote an article on this subject and called it out from both perspectives. Women have a great responsibility to ‘build up’ their guy – admire him and make him feel important – and from that the man can’t help but respond in a positive way. And if she does not – it is STILL his responsibility as the aggressor in the relationship to ‘romance’ and connect with her on an emotional level. A man who has learned how to do this – will be rewarded – he can’t help but be! Meet her needs and yours will be met as well. And on the downside to this – there’s always another man waiting to fill her up emotionally if you aren’t willing to do it. Woman won’t have sex unless they feel their emotional needs are being met – so many men don’t understand this – and withhold. It becomes a game – and a much learned ‘dance’ – “She won’t – so I won’t” Sad indeed. Turn the DARN thing around!!

    • John Wilder says:

      Cindy, I agree with your premise and that is the way that it should be. However there are a lot of women out there with a lower sex drive that believe that no amount of romancing on the man’s part will get her to have sex any more than she wants to. There are a lot of women DEMANDING THEIR RIGHT TO REFUSE THEIR HUSBANDS ANY TIME THAT THEY FEEL LIKE IT. It is pure rebellion. Remember sin came into the world based on a rebellious woman’s attitude.

      The Bible does not allow Christian women to refuse nor the husband to refuse sex to their mate. It is sin.

      The number one tool in Satan’s arsenal is getting us to use our own mind and logic instead of obeying God’s word.

      A lot of women blame their husbands for not having sex but back in the seventies Marabelle Morgan got women to start giving their no good husbands sex when they wanted it and were surprised how attentive and romantic and loving their husbands became. Thus it proves the truth of God’s word.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

      • Cindy Holman says:

        You’re right – if done right and we listen to God – since He is the one who created sex – then everybody wins! It is rebellion and sin that create the ‘no win’ situation – and it can be easily turned around if people are willing and able. I’m pretty lucky – I have a very eager husband – both physically and emotionally – but he needed a little guidance in the emotional department. Now he gets it – after logging hundreds of hours talking it out and we both are benefiting from it big time. It took a crisis – and I realize that not everyone responds to a crisis situation in the same way – but for us – we benefited from it big time. Because of this – I am very aware that people need education and are equally to blame for a lack of romantic love in marriage. From what I have observed over the years – couples have an ‘arrangement’ after time and it does not include romance – let alone sex! I KNOW it can be turned around and I write on how to do that – such as ‘how to date your husband’ – and talk about ‘men are simple’ – 3 basic needs – and I’ve received comments and emails from those that have really appreciated me being so authentic. I’m not as graphic – as that is not my style of writing but I basically agree with everything you say and feel it is important to show each other respect, kindness and honor – and each will be rewarded accordingly if done right. I even got inspired by one blog that I follow on ‘kissing’ and have something called ‘is a kiss just a kiss?’ which talks a lot about ‘touching’. I’m enjoying your blog and have pointed out some fun articles for my husband to read too. Great Fun!!

    • Hey Cindy
      I realize that one of your comments fell through the cracks and I did not respond. I don’t want you to think that I am not grateful because I am. My blog has really taken off and I am now approaching 50,000 page views.

      Blessings on you and yours

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    The question I’d ask about this is just how many women are going to buy into biblical things where sex is concerned? It seems to me this whole biblical thing and sex can be part of the problem as seen by modern women and not the solution; it tells women one thing, tells men something else, doesn’t it?

    • John Wilder says:

      Non Christian women won’t buy it. But Christian women need to learn that by denying their husband’s sexual overtures it is sin. I realize that many Christian women are immature and rebellious, but I can only bring the message, I can’t make them obey God’s word.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

  3. kdaddy23 says:

    It gives me chills to think how a lot of the Christian women I know would react to this. They’d say, “Yeah, I know… and?” Perhaps they’re not as Christian as they’d like to be believe but, I honestly don’t know any women who’d obey that part of God’s Word and none who wouldn’t put up a fight if a man when all biblical on them about it.

  4. John Wilder says:

    Hey Kdaddy:

    That is why we need revival in the land where Christians start taking biblical commands seriously and instead suggestions that they can use if they like.

    It has been proven to work over and over. What they are doing is certainly not working. We have the highest divorce rate on the planet.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  5. John Wilder says:

    Hey Cindy:

    I am glad you are finding my writing helpful. Search out the articles on foreplay for hubby. I do write graphically because people need the information on a practical how nuts and bolts basis.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  6. KT says:

    It’s interesting that you only write from the point of view that only men want more sex. I would like sex 3 times a day at least and my husband only wants it 1-2 times a week. Nobody ever tells men to have more sex yet scripture tells us to meet each others needs!

    • Hey Kt:

      Your point is well taken. I write it in my blogs and recognize that there are women who have substantially higher libidos than their male counterparts and I am uneqquivocal in the fact that the Bible does indeed require us to meet our partner’s needs in I Cor 7. You might have a conversation with your husband and remind him of this fact. He can satisfy you in so many ways including intercourse witthout him ejaculating, oral sex, vibrators etc. We all need the eomotional bonding that masturbation does not provide.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

  7. I appreciate your Biblical approach to marriage and relationship. I’ve never understood why – in settings where the Bible is defended as the basis of truth – there’s precious little understanding about what’s in it.

    Thanks for using it (the Bible) as it was intended – Instruction Manual for the created by the Creator of the Universe (seen and unseen).

    I also hear much said about self-esteem issues being at the root of marital problems and people problems. For my money, the Bible includes the remedy for that as well.

    My daughter came to us from Ukraine with a real messed up self-image and poor self esteem. Her peers and keepers at the orphanage so horribly disrespected and criticized her due to her gypsy heritage, she couldn’t avoid thinking poorly of herself. It manifested itself in all sorts of aberrant coping behaviors and deception. It concerned me so much, I went on a quest to discover how I might introduce her to a Biblically based self-image. That, in turn, led to the creation of a series of audio programs called “Rebuilding the Temple”. They’re designed to use Biblical truth to challenge false thought habits and self-perceptions with healthy, productive alternatives.

    The results have been tremendous, thank-you Lord.

    Most nights my daughter listens to the “Self-Image – Seeing Yourself the Way God Sees you” audio program as she goes to sleep. In the last couple of years, everyone’s noticed “how wise she’s become” for her age. I’m beginning to notice a beautiful little girl who’s blossoming into a morally aware, self-confident young lady who understands boundaries and sees just how incredibly wonderful God crafts each of us.

    Check them out if you’d like at: and let me know what you think.


    • Hey Bruce;
      Thanks for the kind words. Isn’t amazing that the Bible works every time for those who will accept its message for their lives. I have all manner of people calling me all kinds of vile names because of my stance. I just see it as Satanic oprression because I don’t depend the favor of man for my self image, but the blessings of the Holy Spirit.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

    • Hey Bruce
      I did check it out and it is a source of legitimate biblical learning. I would recommend it wholeheartedly.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

  8. RASJ says:

    Like KT, I am one of those women with a much higher libido than mu=y husband. I have read the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES and it was no surprises that physical touch was my #1 way of expressing love and affection, and it was #5 on my husband’s radar.

    Truth be told, I should have picked up on these signs before we were married because the signs were there. That said, he is a wonderful husband and loving father and a fabulous provider. He is hard-working and generous, honest and possesses a million other positive characteristics.

    All that being said, it is difficult to constantly initiate and feel rejected. I think his parents did a real doozie on him, making him feel like sex is dirty. Something that should only be done in the dark. And that one needs to wash immediately afterward.

    I don’t have any strategies to fix this; it is an act of will power on my part. I have many friends and some have even gone so far as to suggest having an affair. I have sen where this has led people (to embarrassment and destruction of their families), and I’m not willing to go the route. Still, I don’t think after 15 years of marriage it is reasonable to expect to change my mate. He is uncomfortable even talking about it. In one of your entries you talk about that fight or flight response. When I have tried to raise the topic, it has flopped. I don’t want to make him feel badly about himself. He is a good person, but I can hardly imagine spending another 15-20 years without physical touch. I miss feeling adored, ravished. Rejection hurts.

    • I apologize for the lateness of my reply. I found your answer in my spam folder. I hate the spam protectors on this site. Most of the comments that they identify as spam are all positive comments.

      I know your pain as most men do who have wives who don’t put out enough. I would suggest to you to have your husband talk to me and I would explain that in 1 corinthians 7 it is his biblical duty to sexually satisfy you even if he is not in the mood. Too often parents also beat into boys heads that sex is bad dirty and wrong as well as little girls.
      I have heard other similar comments from women who are sexually starved. He is causing a stumbling block for you and this is wrong. It is too bad that a woman who is as highly sexual as you are could not have found a man to ravish you and make you feel worthy and worthwhile and desirable. Interesting that in Proverbs 5 it savs that a man is supposed to be ravished in a woman’s love, but I am sure that it also meant that the woman would be ravished as well.

      I would suggest as a possible solution getting him to talk about his fantasies and fulfill them if at all possible. That does not mean doing a 3 way with him but any reasonable fantasies. You might interest him if you talk about a rape fantasy that you might have. I find that the majority of women have a secret rape fantasy, not that you actually want to be raped but taken forcefully and roughly by a strong self confident man. What works for me is literally ripping a womans panties off by hooking my hand in the waistband and giving them one very hard yank and the seams on the sides rip away and you are left naked. Every woman that I have done this with has loved it telling me that it scared them and excited them at the same time. I then forcefully spread her legs and bury my tongue inside her vagina and probe her like intercourse but with my tongue and then get her off. Then I mount her and impale her until I feel the urge to ejaculate and climb back off and go down on her again and get her off again. Then I climb back on and repeat for two hours before I come. Once you experience this kind of ravishing, you feel totally satisfied and spent and little sore but very happy the next morning.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

    • I would be happy to talk to him man to man if you think that might help. I offer a free half hour cosultation. I would really like to help you.
      John Wilder

  9. Thanks, come back often

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  10. joke says:

    I thought u were a christian until u described ur rape fantasy.Ur statement,”everyone woman I’ve done it with” is confusing.R u married,r u faithful?R u a child of God?I’m not bein judgemental,I jst wnt to be sure whose advice I’m takinh?

    • Hey Joke
      I am not describing my rape fantasy but women’s fantasies. There are about 17 books published by women on rough sex on
      I am not talking about actual rape but rough sex by a strong self confident man that many women fantasize about.

      I have been married and have had a sex life now that I am single and yes I am a christian. I only have sex in the confines of a committed
      monagamous relationship.

      Now as to your negative comment, I have published it rather than trashing it like I do with all the other negative comments
      That being said, I get literally a thousand positive comments for every negative comment I receive. Check through my blog to
      see for yourself.

      Blessings on you and yours
      ]John Wilder

  11. Rachel says:

    My husband has quit 3 jobs in the 6 months I have been married with him for no other reason than to avoid conflict with his manager.

    I refuse to have sex with him unless I am covered by insurance because even when birth control is used perfectly, I do not want to risk a child being drug into this. I make OK money cleaning gyms, but not enough to support us both. I’m not going on welfare in order to appease my husband’s sex drive.

    We are both born again believers. He is going along with this, but I know it is hard on him.

    I’m too stressed out working more hours to keep up with our bills to even want to THINK about sex.

    True, it is not biblical for me to do this, but to bring a child into this would be irresponsible. And right now, I’m the one who is being responsible.

    • Hey Rachel
      I feel your pain. How about having the IUD inserted and you won’t have to worry about getting pregnant. Not
      only that it will increase your sex drive because of the side effects of birth control pills is a decreased
      sex drive for women.

      Yes well your husband needs to get a job and stick with it.

      I give free half hour consultations. Why not take me up on it. I will give each of you a free half hour.

      I can help you here.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

    • We can do it by phone

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