The Dirty Secret of Publishing, Public Endangerment

September 28, 2010

The Dirty Secret in Publishing

Most people have the mistaken notion that things in print have to be true because if they are not, then the publishers could get sued. Nothing could be further from the truth.

First of all printed canons of journalistic integrity are all voluntary. Editors flout them with impunity. Other professions have codes of integrity, the violation of which gets your license pulled and you get kicked out of the profession. In other words, they are mandatory ethics. Why does the media get a pass?

For example, you never see global warming stories presenting balance covering both sides of the issue. Global warming is a theory based upon very poor computer modeling. What is even more a theory is the cause of the supposed 1 degree rise in average world wide temps in the last one hundred years.

I got into writing because of all the lousy how to articles and books being published filled with errors and incomplete information. I used to be an award winning contractor before I became a marriage coach. Counseling is actually what I got my degrees in. The Home Depot 123 how to books are actually published by Meredith Corp who publishes Ladies Home Journal. These books are riddled with errors because writers with no “real world” construction experience wrote them. They just put Home Depot’s cover on them. I have confronted Home Depot over this and they don’t care.

Lately I have been at war with the Boston Globe Newspaper. They have a guy by the name of Peter Hotton writing a handyman column whose sole qualifications are a BA in English 40 years ago. He obviously has no real world construction experienced. He makes things up off the top of his head and does not bother to fact check his answers which are frequently wrong and sometimes dangerous. For example he told a reader that it is okay to reroof your house in the winter. This violates every major shingle manufacturers installation instructions and voids the warrantee. His editors refused to print a correction or retraction. In fact his editors have refused to print any corrections or retractions.

Most recently, he suggested to remove rust stains from a roof using bleach. He uses bleach as a cure-all often dangerously. In fact not only will bleach not remove rust, it actually causes rust because it oxidizes metal. He then suggested to use a couple of acids I had formerly told him about in other corrections. The problem is that I can easily visualize a scenario where the homeowner would buy all 3 products and go up on the roof to remove the rust stains. The problem is that is you mix an acid with bleach, you immediately release deadly clouds of chlorine gas which literally knocks you back. The problem is that you could be knocked back off the roof and die. Amazingly, the editor refuses to print a correction or retraction. This is an absolute violation of every printed canon of journalistic integrity and poses a clear and present danger to the readers. This is criminal. If you are as mad about this as I am, I suggest that you drop him a line. His name is Doug Most or better yet call him on the phone. His email address is dmost@globe.com

Blessings to all who read this
John Wilder


7 Tips Men Wish Women Knew About Sex

September 24, 2010

1. Never ever put your husband down for his sexuality. This is cruel and unfair and belittling to him. He can ‘t help it, God made us this way. It would be like him putting you down for having a period; So just so you understand the kinds of comments I am talking about, things like these; What again, is that all you ever think about? Ugh I am not doing that, you are disgusting and perverted. Leave me alone and stop nagging me for sex. Or worse yet, manipulating him with sex, that makes you a prostitute.

2. Learn to be adventurous in bed. Men love that. Get over your inhibitions about sex. The last thing that you want him thinking in bed with you is that a previous lover was better in bed than you.

3. Get over your self image problems and invest in quality lingerie with lace and color. Believe me those white nylon panties with no lace are boring. Also invest in lacy bras preferably to match. Where a sexy nightgown every night, not just when you are planning to have sex. Put a lock on your bedroom door to keep the kids out.

4. Your kids will not be hurt or damaged by them hearing you and your husband having sex. In fact it is great role modeling for your kids and reinforces to them that you have a happy marriage which makes them feel better and more secure. They may even kid you about it, but accept it in good fun.

5. Your husband gets the bulk of his affectional needs through sex with you. When you deny him, he feels unloved, rejected and unworthy. It really tears at his self esteem.

6. Routinely wear short skirts and dresses for him. When he opens the car door for you, make sure to flash him as a cute little thing between the two of you. When you are in the car with him. turn towards him and pull your legs up and let him peek up your skirt at those sexy new panties you bought. Men never get tired of having panties flashed at them.

7. Lastly, tell him what you would like in bed. Most men are clueless about the female body and how to have great sex. Give him guidance, he can’t read your mind.


12 Techniques Women Wished That Men Knew for Better Sex

September 18, 2010

I copied and pasted this great guest post from Men’s Health who does a pretty good job giving sex advice. The number one complaint that I get about men from women in my practice is that their men are lousy and self centered in bed. OUCH! Men, you need to do better in order to get more sex. Girls want to have fun to and climax as well. What she does not want is to feel like a piece of meat that you used to get off. So read the piece and learn something new today.

We scoured the latest studies, grilled dozens of experts, and polled more than 700 women to come up with this spankin’-new list of 12 rules guaranteed to make you a better lover—tonight.

By turning her fantasies into reality, she’ll be more likely to agree to act out your wildest sex dreams. And she’ll want sex more often, so things will only get better every time you get naked with her.
Greater Focus Leads to Hotter Sex
What’s the best way to unlock a woman’s wildest desires in bed? “Passion,” said 42 percent of the women we surveyed. “That means being in the moment and not being distracted,” says Joel Block, Ph. D., a Long Island-based psychologist and the author of Secrets of Better Sex. “Sex is a conversation, and she doesn’t want to feel like you wish you had your BlackBerry.”

A woman takes attendance during sex in many ways, and the strongest signal you can send comes from your mouth. More than 90 percent of women we surveyed said a man’s primal panting turns them on. But use words over Tarzan grunts, if you can. “You want to reassure her, ‘Do that more,’ ‘That feels so good,’ or ‘Oh, I love that,’ ” says Logan Levkoff, Ph. D., a New York City-based sexologist and the author of Third Base Ain’t What It Used to Be. Beyond giving her a confidence boost, the extra sensory seduction intensifies the experience.

Nonverbal communication is important, too. Bursts of eye contact, lip nibbles, and any other kind of physical or verbal communication shows her she’s the one pushing your buttons, not some fantasy fembot in your head. If the soulful eye lock’s not for you, bury your face in her neck, run the tip of your tongue from her collarbone to her earlobe, and whisper why she’s driving you crazy.

Foreplay Can Be the Main Event
“‘Foreplay’ is a terrible word because it implies that it’s leading to something more important,” says sexuality counselor Beverly Whipple, Ph. D., R. N., a coauthor of The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality. “You’ll both have more fun if you think of it as sex play and make it about discovering and enjoying each other, not just reaching the finish line.”

The women we surveyed agreed: Two in five said their last orgasm occurred during foreplay itself, not intercourse. What’s more, when asked to rank their partners’ bedroom skills, the women’s top two complaints were a lack of sexual creativity and subpar manual sex skills, in that order. Ouch.

Your move? Tell her you want to go three sack sessions sans penetration. Ditching the same old script—foreplay, sex, cuddling—will help your creative instincts spring to life. Bonus: Sexual novelty re-creates those early-relationship, take-me-now hormones, says psychiatrist Daniel Amen, M. D., the author of Sex on the Brain: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life.

Pleasure isn’t Satisfaction
The good news is you can give a woman both. In a Kinsey Institute study, both women and men agreed that sex without condoms feels better—but women said using protection actually helps them feel more satisfied overall in the sack. Even those using hormonal birth-control methods felt the effect: When they used condoms, they reported a 17.5 percent higher rate of overall satisfaction with their sex lives. Why? This one’s a no-brainer. When women worry less (say, about STDs), they enjoy themselves more.

Gentle” Means More than That
“That word is a woman’s code telling you to be more sensitive to her cues,” says Block. The more nerve-dense the hot spot is on a woman’s body, the more careful your approach should be.

Clitoral contact in particular feels abrasive without a proper warmup, says Lou Paget, a sex educator and the author of How to Be a Great Lover. If a woman yips or inhales suddenly when you go there—instead of purring or moaning—you’ve jumped the gun.

Use indirect stimulation first, paying careful attention to her reactions as a guide. The nerve-packed clitoris actually extends several inches under the skin on either side of her vagina (like a wishbone), which means you can massage it without direct pressure to the bud. Trace the extensions with flat, wide, extra-wet tongue strokes or slow finger zigzags. (Don’t forget lube.) Then rub a slow spiral around the top, drawing closer with each pass. The combo of anticipation and indirect contact will bring her pleasure centers to life.

If she coos, you’ve found her sweet spot. If she fidgets or gasps, take a step back.

Climate is Crucial for Climax
Egyptian cotton and dimmer switches can’t hurt, but your love chamber’s thermostat is just as important, according to Dutch sex researchers. “At the beginning of our trials, only 50 percent of our female subjects were able to reach orgasm,” says study author Gert Holstege, M. D., Ph. D., chairman of the center for uroneurology at the University of Groningen, in the Netherlands. “But we learned they were uncomfortable because they had cold feet. We gave them socks, and 80 percent reached orgasm.”

The socks aren’t the secret, though. “The amygdala and prefrontal cortex—the brain areas responsible for anxiety, fear, and danger signals—strongly decrease their activation during orgasm,” says Dr. Holstege. “A pleasant environment, which includes the room temperature, is an important part of making her feel safe, secure, and comfortable,” he adds.

“Imagine the ideal day at the beach,” says Tristan Taormino, director of Vivid Entertainment’s porn series Chemistry. “You want it just warm enough that she’s happy to shed a layer or two, but not so hot that you’ll end up drenched once you exert yourself.

Positions Need a Purpose
“There’s no need to be overly fancy during sex—the very best positions are the ones that focus on the clitoris,” says Levkoff. Want to amp up her pleasure without risking a hamstring cramp? Ditch the flesh pretzel for these modified standards. They’re all designed to boost stimulation to her clitoris, which has even more nerve endings than the head of your penis.

1. Missionary
Instead of in-and-out thrusting, “have her grind against you in circles,” says sex expert Tracey Cox, author of Secrets of a Supersexpert. “Keep as much of the base of your penis in contact with her outer lips as possible.” Another option: Place two or three pillows under her butt to lift it off the bed at an angle. You’ll rub against her more when thrusting.

2. Girl on Top
Make a V with two fingers, and place it so the point of the V (just between the two knuckles) is directly over her clitoris. Your fingers should come down on either side of your penis as she rides you. “This will stimulate the clitoris, inner labia, and urethra—as well as add intensity for you,” Cox says.

3. Doggy-Style
“Have her lift her butt up or spread out your legs to move down and touch the supersensitive vaginal wall,” Cox says. Then reach around to play with her clitoris using your fingers. (Use a small vibrator for extra intensity.) For over-the-top stimulation of her most nerve-packed parts, “keep thrusting short and shallow, rather than deep and fast.”

Don’t End Quickies with “Thanks!”
Only half of all women can reach orgasm when sex lasts 10 minutes or less, according to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “That means during a quickie, you’ll probably finish and she won’t,” says Levkoff.

If she doesn’t orgasm, make sure you’ll have access to future rapid-fire sessions by saying, “Later tonight, it’s going to be all about you.” Then follow through on that promise. Leave her hanging too many times, and she won’t stick around for long.

The G-Spot Has Friends. Find Them
You’re goal-oriented. Good. But the G-spot and the clitoris aren’t the only bull’s-eyes. “The most recent anatomical research suggests that the clitoris is perhaps better described as the ‘clitoral complex,’ where the vagina, urethra, and clitoris all function as a unit rather than as individual parts,” explains Kinsey Institute researcher and Men’s Health columnist Debby Herbenick, Ph. D.

Try working that clitoral complex by hitting multiple hot spots at once. Some researchers believe there’s something called an A-spot, located far inside the vagina on the side closest to her belly button. “Stroke this spot and she’ll lubricate almost instantly,” Cox says. “Put one lubed finger into her vagina as far as it will comfortably go. Use the whole length of your finger to explore the front wall of her vagina.”

Now triple the sensation: Stick both index and middle finger inside her, and stick out your thumb like you’re hitchhiking. It’ll pull your fingers more snugly against her vaginal walls, stimulating both A-spot and G-spot simultaneously. Then use your thumb to also stimulate her clitoris, and gently twist your hand

“Ready” is All Relative
“Just because a woman is lubricated doesn’t mean she’s ready for sex,” says Richters. Your woman’s real prime time comes once she reaches a phase of arousal called “uterine tenting.” It’s just like it sounds: The uterus backs out of the way and the vagina grows in length by as much as an inch.

“You’ll experience deeper penetration, and the vagina will provide an intense grip to the head of your penis,” says Barbara Keesling, Ph. D., a lecturer on human sexuality at California State University at Fullerton and the author of Men in Bed. “The orgasms are incredible.”

Keesling says the best position is the butterfly: “Have her lie on her back and pull her knees up to her shoulders, tilting her pelvis so her vagina points up almost to the ceiling,” she says.

Since tenting can take anywhere from 30 seconds to, well, forever, focus on synchronizing the stimulation between your penis and her outer lips before entering her. Lie pressed against each other with your penis snug between her legs, allowing her to slide and rub against you while you use your hands and mouth elsewhere. The warm, slick, and firm contact will bring her to a boil in no time.

Want to Have Sex? Do the Dishes
“If a woman is distracted by anything—work, lack of sleep, chores, a fight she had with a friend—it can interfere with her arousal,” says Whipple. Seven in 10 women we surveyed said helping around the home was a turn-on, but men do only about 30 percent of the chores, according to the Council on Contemporary Families. The women we surveyed said they’d be most grateful if you did the dishes, cooked dinner, and did the laundry, in that order. Score bonus points: Don’t brag

Don’t Make Orgasm Your Only Goal
Desperation sinks her sex drive: A 2008 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that stress about sexual performance significantly decreases female arousal.

“Whatever you do, don’t look up and ask, ‘Are you close?’ or ‘Did you come?'” Whipple says. “It’s distracting, and it adds unnecessary pressure.” See if you’re on the right track by asking questions such as, “Do you like that?” and “Should I keep doing that?” instead.

And if you’re waiting for her to reach orgasm during penetration, it’s sometimes better to finish first, rather than holding out for half an hour. “Women don’t have orgasms every time, and they know it’s not necessarily their partner’s fault,” Whipple says.

So take turns, Levkoff says. “You can always go back and use your hands and fingers to please her, if she’s still turned on.”


More Evidence Disproving the Global Warming Theory

September 15, 2010

I thought that I would take a break from relationships and sex and write about something else near and dear to my heart. Al Gore and the media have declared that global warming is a fact. Read my piece and see if you still think so after reading it. It is based upon hard science that is not opinion or consensus but real hard facts.

Many scientists have gone to great pains to put the blame on the temporary slight increase in the average global temperature on CO2. There are no scientific experiments according to the Scientific Method to prove this. The scientists conveniently forget to tell you that we have been in a world wide cooling cycle for the last 8 years with record low temps being set around the globe. Of the billions of dollars being funded to study global warming, there is none for refutation research in violation of The Scientific Method. There are no double blind studies like legitimate scientific research.

In fact, the IPCC does not respond to or publish refutation pieces by mainstream scientists. Their whole theory is based upon highly flawed computer modeling that posits that CO2 will rise into the atmosphere and stay there for 100 years. The simple answer to that is that CO2 has a specific gravity (relative to air) of 1.52 which means that it is 152% heavier than air and sinks to the ground when released. The scientists trumpet the fact that we have had an 80 ppm (parts per million) increase in CO2 in the last 100 years. The fractional equivalent of 80 ppm is 8/100,000ths of 1%. That is a trace amount by any legitimate measure. What you have is wind blown particles that settle out when the wind dies down just like dust.

There can be a case to be made for man made or anthropogenic global warming but it has absolutely nothing to do with CO2. We have over 5,000 jets flying over our air space in this country at any one time. That does not include the rest of the jets flying around other countries. These jets have an exhaust temp of 1,800 degrees Fahrenheit. That could add to the average temperature increase.

We have millions of miles of asphalt roads that heat up and reflect back the heat causing increased temps. We have millions of houses with asphalt shingles that heat up and reflect heat back into the atmosphere.
We have millions of cars and trucks that put heat out into the atmosphere.

Then we have the heat sensors for recording temps being set up in cities. This gives a false positive for increased temps because of the “heat island effect”. This is a scandal that is little reported in scientific circles much as less in public circles.
We also have industry as well as heating plants burning coal to generate electricity that all contribute heat into the atmosphere.

The best microcosm of the globe can be represented by the Mall of America located in Minneapolis , MN. It is the second largest mall in the world. The temperatures routinely get down to 20 below zero in the wintertime. Now the Mall has no heating apparatus or furnaces of any kind. In spite of this, it stays a comfortable 68 degrees F in the winter time. That is an increase of 88 degrees F from outside ambient temperature. How is this possible? All of the heat from the lights in the mall plus the aggregate body heat from all of the visitors.

We have increased the world population by billions of people. Isn’t it possible that the increase population and all of the other heat causing factors mentioned in the article could result in the one degree increase in world wide temperatures. Does this not make more sense than CO2 which is a heavier than air gas that sinks to the ground when it is released. There is a principle in science called Occam’s Razor. The gist of Occam’s Razor is that the simplest explanation is usually correct. Does not my explanation make more sense than CO2? You decide and let me know what you think


6 Reasons To Avoid Marriage Counselors Like The Plague

September 12, 2010

We have the highest divorce rate on the planet. Judith Wallerstein did a groundbreaking study on the effects of divorce on children, even into adulthood. She notes the following effects on children:

The children Wallerstein studied were more likely to struggle with drugs, alcohol, and sex. Fully half the children she studied were involved in serious abuse of alcohol and drugs, some as early as age 14. And they tended to become sexually active early, particularly the girls.

• Expectations of failure, based on an “internalized image of failure;”
• Fear of loss, due to earlier anxiety about abandonment by one or both parents;
• Fear of change, since experience has shown them it is usually for the worse;
• Fear of conflict, because it leads to explosions or the impulse to escape;
• Fear of betrayal, because they have seen so much of it;
• Fear of loneliness, sometimes leading to self-destructive choices in partners.

Naturally, we want to protect our kids from divorce so people attempt to resolve their problems by going to a marriage counselor. The dirty little secret in the industry is that you are likely to be worse instead of better after going to a marriage counselor. Here are some reasons why.

1. Marriage counselors have a horrendous 75% failure rate. That is defined as couples coming to them for counseling to save their marriage and get divorced in spite of the counseling.

2. Marriage counselors are not required to have any specific training in couples counseling, some of the most difficult counseling that there is.

3. Marriage counselors don’t really deal with problem resolution, they talk about feelings. This is about as effective as a reporter shoving a mic in front of a grieving relative and asking them how they feel.

4. Marriage counseling takes place one hour once a week. This is not effective. No other helping discipline works this way. If you went to a doctor to find that you have strep throat, you would not expect a doctor to give you just a little antibiotic and have him come back for months giving you just a little more antibiotic to cure the strep.

5. The reason that most couples divorce is the lack of conflict resolution skills. Traditional marriage counselors don’t teach this vital skill.

6. Too often marriage counselors are not marriage positive but take sides with one of the couple and suggest that they go ahead and get divorced. They don’t tell them about all the negative ramifications to children that the divorce will cause them.

The Solution
The answer is to search out marriage coaches. Marriage coaches deal with resolving problems in a short period of time. They are marriage positive. They tend to take a moderator or mediator role assuming an authority role and telling couples where they are doing it right or wrong. Marriage coaches have a much better success rate of 75%.
Many traditional marriage counselors are abandoning traditional counseling methods and instead are adopting a coaching paradigm in their practices. People like Michelle Weiner Davis of Divorce Busting and Dr. Harley of His Needs, Her Needs.

You can punch marriage coaches into Google to locate one. They will deal with you on the phone or on Yahoo IM. Barring that you could just email me at marrriagecoach1@yahoo.com .


Stopping Incest

September 11, 2010

Stopping Incest

I happened to visit Emily Nagoseki’s sex nerd blog where she had a post about stopping sexual assault of women. I had suggested that women need to use good sense and avoid situations where she could get sexually assaulted. That idea was shot down by a couple of women that suggested that I was blaming the victim, that no woman should be raped and their answer was to teach men not to rape.

I believe that it naïve, we have predators in our country who know rape is wrong and still they do it anyway. The argument was weak and naïve and fool hardy when it comes to women’s safety.

One woman countered that she was a little girl and her own father raped her repeatedly. I admitted that there was no way that she could have protected herself in that situation. It got me to thinking. I was recently involved in a very long and detailed discussion with my blogging buddy kdaddy23. We compared and contrasted notes about incest in general and our personal knowledge of it and incest in the black and the white communities. We admitted that there was way too much incest going on in general.

The answer is for families to support girls in coming forward and pressing charges. Too many family members take the good old boy mentality and discourage girls from coming forward and pressing charges because the bastard relative would go to prison and surely she did not want to be responsible for him going to jail. Incredible pressure is put on girls to keep the secret, that their rights are second rate and should be subjugated to the that of the adults.

I coached a young woman whose father sexually abused her and raped her every night from the time that she was 5 until she was 17. The mother knew about it and did nothing to stop it. Apparently she was glad that she did not have to put out and figured it was better her daughter than her. I urged her to confront her mother which she did after her father died. The mother of course denied it to the family but hung herself in the garage two days later. I say good riddance to the mother. Sadly, the young woman cut off contact with me afterwards, I am sure because of her guilt which is not well founded.

Relatives who rape relatives should be doubly prosecuted because they violated the trust of a child who they were supposed to be protecting. So women, if you really want to stop rape, start pressing charges against family members. Don’t let them supercede your rights.


Are Househusbands The Ultimate Status Symbol

September 9, 2010

I am pleased to present a guest blog by Lori Lowe. I consider her a colleague in the same business of trying to help couples improve their marriages. I encourage you to subscribe to her blog as well. She always has good content and I recommend her highly.
Here is the link to her blog and this article:
http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/09/03/are-househusbands-the-ultimate-status-symbol/
Posted: 03 Sep 2010 06:30 AM PDT

During the recent recession, three men lost their jobs for every woman who lost hers. As a consequence, this year became the first year women comprise the majority in the workplace. Forty percent of mothers are now the households’ primary breadwinners, and approximately 143,000 stay-at-home dads care for the kids full-time while their wives work, says a recent Marie Claire article, “When roles reverse: The rise of the stay-at-home husband.”

The magazine profiled several dads who are stay-at-home parents, and discussed their challenges and successes. One thing is clear, gender roles in the family are changing in the U.S. Even Pampers is targeting male consumers, with nearly 70 percent of dads reporting that they change as many diapers as their wives.

“Just as having a stay-at-home wife carries cachet in certain male corporate circles, having a househusband may, in a way, be the ultimate status symbol for the successful professional woman,” says writer Hillary Stout. She backs that up with women who are elated to be spoiled with homemade lunches and dinners by their husbands.

Nearly 150 support groups exist around the country to help dads who care for their children full-time. Challenges of leaving the workplace to stay at home include feeling emasculated at times, having a bruised ego, hearing incorrect assumptions from others, or having a lack of friends at home. Let’s face it, stay-at-home mothers socialize and help each other all the time. A man in the mix is often out of place. For example, some men said stay-at-home moms were unkind or judgmental toward them. In some cases, they develop too close of a relationship with other moms, and may hear moms complaining about their husbands or talking about men as if they were “one of the girls.”

Therapist Karen Gail Lewis, PhD, says sexual issues can easily arise from the “radical role reversal,” with the wife initially drawn to the nurturing male, but later judging him as weak. Lewis noted she’s had client families with stay-at-home fathers who have had affairs; in one family, the wife had an affair with a male coworker, and in the other, the husband had an affair with a stay-at-home mom.

On the other hand, many families are finding the revised roles work extremely well for their families. The wives love their work, the husbands enjoy staying at home, and they remain flexible to change if needed. I know some stay-at-home dads who fall in this category, and wouldn’t trade their parenting job for a high-paying one. It can be hard for the mother who is used to being the more active parent, but for some families it works quite well.

While my husband has always worked, I consider him an equal parent. He is much better at managing birthday parties and play dates and has always shared diapering, bathing, bedtime routine and volunteering on classroom field trips. Short of childbirth and breastfeeding, he does it all. (Well, the laundry is my domain.) Most of my friends’ husbands are equally well equipped as fathers. So, one thing married couples of our generation seem to have achieved is the gift of two active, prepared parents who are both capable of caring for the children’s needs. Lucky kids.

Do you think it matters if the man or woman is the primary caregiver of children? Or do you believe traditional gender roles are best?


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