Ladies, Tell Us What Really Goes on in Your Head When Having Sex With Your Guy

November 27, 2010

I came up with an amusing article from Men’s Health on what kinds of things go on in a woman’s mind when they are having sex with us. Men for the most part are solely focused on how good the sex feels and don’t often think about anything else.

So ladies, here is your chance to let us know the kinds of things that you think about when you are having sex with us. Give us all a laugh. We could use it.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

Secret Sex Thought #1

“I worry he won’t think I’m any good, and that I’ll kill any chance of building the relationship.” —Meghan, 19

Fifty-seven percent of women said that during sex they’re wondering if you’re enjoying it—enjoying her, really. So consider that license to be loudly enthusiastic. “But be specific about what you’re enjoying,” says Lou Paget, author of How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure. The more fully you describe something she’s doing that you like, the more convincing you’ll sound.

Worry not. Here’s how many women are critical of your . . .
Facial expressions: 11%
Sounds: 12%
Penis size: 4%

Secret Sex Thought #2

“I wish he’d hurry up and finish already.” —Laura, 22

Surprise: Sex ideally lasts between 3 and 13 minutes, a survey of sex therapists found. Read her breathing and body language. No highs and lows? She’s probably had enough.

Secret Sex Thought #3

“Oh, crap—did I shave my legs?” —Carly, 26

More than half of women said they thought about their body hair nearly every time they had sex. So touch her as if you don’t care, or you’ll make her self-conscious—and that makes sex worse for both of you, says Joy Davidson, Ph.D., creator of the online series The Joy Spot. Then go ahead and distract her by becoming really enthusiastic about a part of her body she’s feeling good about.

Secret Sex Thought #4

“I think about threesomes during sex—but I’d never want to have one.” —Alexis, 28

Many women spice things up with far-fetched fantasies; they’re exciting and not relationship-threatening. So go with it. During sex, whisper crazy fantasies (that involve her!). Tell her where in public you’d like to go down on her, say. Or give her those two men in bed—by being both of them, Paget says. “Be the wild guy, then switch and be the sensitive lover who lies on top and kisses gently.”

Secret Sex Thought #5

“I fantasize that I’m completely uninhibited—taking control, and introducing sex toys.” —Jen, 37

But she’s often too shy to act. More than a third of the women we surveyed said that during sex they’re thinking of dirty things they’re embarrassed to talk about. One in four is imagining a position she’s afraid to ask you to try.

“Often her hesitancy to speak up is related to other inhibitions, like worrying about how she looks or tastes,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D., the author of Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover. So to start, describe senses: how great she smells, how good she looks or feels. If she says something, respond. If she hints at something, go for it. The more you show your excitement—and the more you lead—the more comfortable she’ll be.

Secret Sex Thought #6

“Sometimes I’m thinking, ‘I still have laundry to do after this.’” —Jennifer, 22

It’s a cliché, but a true one. More than one in four women said they thought about household chores during sex, and 20 percent thought about work. “It’s just the way my mind operates,” says Stephanie, 27. So bring her back. Our poll’s top suggestion: Turn up the passion—and let her feel it. “When she’s bored, it’s because the sex is routine. So take charge. Move her around and be more assertive,” says Davidson. Hold her tighter, run your nails up her legs, pin her arms down (if she’s comfortable with that). A lot of little things can make her take notice. What laundry?

Here’s a bonus tip: There’s no one way to gain her attention, women say. Some of their suggestions:
Talk dirty: 17%
Become more assertive: 27%
Pull her hair: 7%

Secret Sex Thought #7

“I occasionally compare him to my ex. I can’t help it!” —Jessie, 28

Yes, she thinks about other men during sex. Sometimes she even fantasizes about them. Ouch! But she’s conflicted. Consider: 51 percent of respondents said it was natural to fantasize about other men during sex, but 74 percent said they’d be hurt if you fantasized about other women.

Focus her attention. Ask her, “What do you want me to beg for?” Fulbright says. “It gives her the sense that she’s steering the action.” And she’ll know you’re the one giving her what she wants.


6 Sex Mistakes Men Make and Women Should Read This Too

November 23, 2010

Today, I am thankful for this year. I have built a great following on my blog. I have been interviewed numerous times this year that made it into print or on the radio. I have helped a lot of people. Take time to reflect on your blessings this year.

With that I am thankful for Web MD Magazine because they are another venue to help you with sex and your personal relationships. Men you need to stop being so self centered in bed and work harder at pleasing the woman in your life. It will pay off in dividends of her being more willing to have sex with you if you make sure that she is satsified every time that you have sex. Enjoy this great guest post from Web MD
WebMD offers experts’ sex tips for men who have sex with women.
By Martin F. Downs

WebMD FeatureReviewed by Louise Chang, MDHey guys, think you know everything there is to know about having sex with women? That erotic encyclopedia you carry around in your head may contain a lot of basic errors and omissions about women’s sexuality — errors that can lead to sex mistakes.

That’s because — after learning the facts of life — most of us are left to figure out sex for ourselves. Guys tend to take a lot of cues from adult movies, and we all know how true-to-life those are. Experience may help, but many women can be shy when talking about what they like.

To help us with some sex tips, WebMD asked two acclaimed sex educators, Tristan Taormino and Lou Paget, to tell us what they think are the most common sex mistakes men make with women.

Taormino is a prolific author, lecturer, and video producer. Her latest project is the Expert Guide educational video series from Vivid Ed.

Paget is author of The Great Lover Playbook and other sex manuals, and she gives seminars nationwide.

Sex Mistake No.1: You Know What She Wants
Men often make assumptions about what a woman wants based upon what they’ve done with other women. But women aren’t all the same.

“You develop a repertoire as you mature sexually, but you should never assume that what worked for the last person is going to work for this person,” Taormino says.

That applies not only to sexual predilections, but also to relationships, she says. “There are women who can have no-strings-attached sex, and women who can get attached very easily, and then everyone in between.”

Sex Mistake No. 2: You Have All She Needs
Some women can’t have an orgasm with less than 3,000 rpm. No human tongue or fingers can generate that kind of vibration. But men typically think something is wrong if a woman needs a vibrator.

“If the only way that a woman can achieve orgasm is with a vibrator, she’s not broken,” Taormino says.

Think of a vibrator as your assistant, not your substitute. Many couples use vibrators together. “While you’re doing one thing, or two things, the vibrator can be doing something else,” Taormino says.

Sex Mistake No. 3: Sex Feels the Same for Men and Women
Paget says there tends to be a “huge disconnect” between men and women in the ways that sex feels good.

“When a man has intercourse with a woman, and his penis goes into her body, that sensation is so off the charts for most men, they cannot imagine that it isn’t feeling the same way for her,” Paget says. “It couldn’t be further from the truth.”

The inside of the vagina is probably less sensitive than the outer parts for most women. Also, deep thrusting may not feel so nice on the receiving end. If the penis is too long, “it feels like you’re getting punched in the stomach,” Paget says. “It makes you feel nauseous.

Sex Mistake No. 4: You Know Your Way Around a Woman’s Anatomy
Most guys know generally what a clitoris is and where to find it. That’s not to say that they really understand it.

More than 30 years ago, at the start of the “sexual revolution,” a best-selling book called the Joy of Sex got Americans hip to the orgasmic importance of the clitoris. But the belief that women must be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration stubbornly persists.

“I still get letters from people who say things like, my wife can’t [orgasm] from intercourse unless she has clitoral stimulation — please help,” Taormino says. “I want to write back and say, ‘OK, what’s the problem?'”

“For the majority of women, it’s not going to happen that way,” Paget says.

Men also lack information about how to touch it and how sensitive it is, Taormino says.

A touch that’s bliss for one woman may feel like nothing special, or may even be painful for someone else. Some prefer indirect stimulation.

How can you find out how she likes to be touched? Try asking her.

Sex Mistake No. 5: Wet = Turned On
Guys sometimes get hung up if a woman doesn’t get slippery enough for easy penetration. Don’t worry about it.

“I think there’s a myth that if you’re turned on, you’re wet,” Taormino says. Not necessarily.

Some women tend to get wetter than others, and how much natural lubrication a woman has can change from day to day. It varies by the phase of her menstrual cycle, and it’s subject to influences like stress and medications.

Sex Mistake No. 6: Silence Is Golden
A lot of guys think they should be silent during sex, but unless you speak up, your partner has to guess what’s doing it for you and what isn’t.

If you’re respectful about it, a woman who wants to please you will probably appreciate some directions.

“I’m not saying push her head in your lap,” Taormino says. “I think that, ‘this is how I like it,’ is a very useful conversation to have.”


Women and Sex in Marriage

November 16, 2010

Women and Sex
I get all kinds of negative feedback from women on other blogs where I suggest that she willingly and lovingly take care of her husband’s sexual needs. I really get hung out to dry when I suggest that most men need sex 3 times a week where most women force him to deal with a diet of sex once a week or less. Women talk about having to have sex is equivalent to rape.

This is a negative outcome of casual sex where women were in total control. They expect to go into marriage with that same total control. Control has no place in marriage. Marriage is about loving your partner and taking care of their needs. Most women and all feminists teach that women should only have sex when THEY feel like it and that men should just do without or masturbate if the wife does not feel like it. I find it ironic that these same feminists rail against pornography which men use as a masturbation aid. Talk about total dominance.

We also have problems with women and their churches where they teach that sex is dirty, bad and wrong and that “good girls don’t do it.” By the time that they are ready to embrace their sexuality, they are so negatively conditioned about sex that they are often ruined for life. This shows up in prim and proper undergarments where women refuse to wear lacy frilly lingerie for their men, Women often associate it with slutty women and reasoning that they are not sluts, that therefore it must be sinful and they refuse. It often shows up in what women refuse to do for their husbands in bed. Hebrews 13:4 says that nothing that a husband and wife do in bed together is sinful. I Cor 7 says that neither a husband or wife should refuse their partner sex, that their body is no longer their own but belongs to their partner.

Marabelle Morgan back in the 1970’s had a wildly successful ministry called the Total Woman Ministry where she advocated that women take better care of their husband’s sexual needs. Marriages were being saved and men became more romantic. Then the feminists made her an object of national scorn and the ministry died, They even made a propaganda film called The Stepford Wives to mock her. Afterwards the divorce rate skyrocketed. The problem is that kids are hugely negatively impacted from divorce. Judith Wallerstein did a landmark study on divorce and noted huge problems with the kids of divorce even into adulthood.

It has been said that “Behind every great man is a woman” the implication is that this woman is taking good care of him and his sexual needs. To not do it, is to sabotage your own relationship.

Women, men dream of happily ever after too. It consists of a woman who WANTS to take care of his sexual needs.


Compare Your Marriage To Others To See If You Will Last

November 11, 2010

Here is yet another great post from Life Gems/Marriage Gems. Lori Lowe is the author and researcher on this blog. She does great research on what makes for good marriage.
Here is the link to her blog;

http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/11/10/the-5-marriage-types-and-their-risk-of-divorce/#comments

A physician friend of mine recently enjoyed two visits with patients and their spouses in long-term marriages. One patient was 95; his wife was 93. They recently celebrated their 75th anniversary together, for which there is no “golden” or “platinum”. He was amazed at their longevity, something rarely seen today. A second couple had been married 60 years, and he asked them the secret to their success. She smiled and quipped, “Well, I’m blind, and he’s deaf…that really helps a lot.”

All humor aside, you know I’m all about research that can help determine what makes a marriage successful. A 30-year U.S. study by E. Mavis Hetherington on marriage and divorce identified that there are five types of marriages, and rated their respective odds of divorce. The details can be found in the book For Better (Or Worse): The Science of a Good Marriage. It was reported in an article titled “What makes a healthy, happy marriage?” in The Times of India.

The two marriage types most likely to remain stable over time are:
The cohesive/individuated marriage—For these couples, marriage is a refuge for the husband and the wife—a place of renewal, support, affection and companionship at the end of each day. It has the second lowest divorce rate.

The traditional marriage—Boasting the lowest divorce rate of all five types, these couples recognize the male breadwinner and female homemaker roles. The success of a traditional marriage means both partners are happy with their roles, perform them well and feel respected by their partner.

The three styles at highest risk of divorce:
The pursuer/distancer marriage—In 80 percent of cases, the woman is the pursuer, and the man is the distance. Generally, she likes to confront or discuss issues, while he withdraws and avoids confrontation. Over time, both partners tend to get fed up.
The disengaged marriage—This couple lacks mutual affection and support. While they rarely argue, they don’t need one another on a daily basis.

The operatic marriage—This couple has dramatic highs and lows, is emotionally volatile, enjoys great make-up sex, and has the highest sexual satisfaction level. The marriage may end when one person (typically the husband) decides the passion isn’t worth the constant conflict.

I’ve never really thought of categorizing marriages into just a few boxes like this, and I’m not sure all marriage types are included. I would describe mine as falling under the cohesive type, and I do like the visual of viewing your marriage as a refuge against the stresses of the world. Do you feel your style or type of marriage is adequately described on the list? What would you add?


Do You Believe That You are Loved

November 5, 2010

Lori Lowe and her Life Gems Marriage Gems is the most frequent blog that I repost on my blog. I am trying to get her additional readers as she is always good and has good things to say or good research to bring to the table. Here is the link to go to her blog.

http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/11/03/do-you-believe-you-are-loved/#comments

It’s not always better to give than to receive. Sometimes learning to receive is more important. Some of us undermine gifts of love, and we may not even realize it. CNN and Oprah.com recently reported on the difficulties some of us have with receiving love. It’s as if we don’t truly feel worthy of the gift. If you’ve ever wondered if your partner really loves you, perhaps you can relate.

The problem is that our inability to recognize acts of love or accept how much we are loved can create a self-inflected isolation and harm our relationship, say the authors of Receiving Love. The married authors and marriage counselors—Harville Hendricks and Helen LaKelly Hunt—were near divorce when they realized this critical problem in their relationship, and learned to fix it.

How might you be undermining love? By not responding to supportive comments (or responding sarcastically). By requesting more affection, but resisting the affection when it is offered. By not accepting offers of help, even when you are overwhelmed.

The authors explain that most people believe if they do a better job of giving to one another, their romantic relationship will remain strong. The missing link, however, may be that we must learn to better receive the gifts our mates are already giving us. For example, if one partner is encouraging, loving, complimentary and affectionate, yet those actions are not well-received, the rejection can certainly harm the relationship. Even if you don’t rebuff your partner, but you act in a blasé or unbelieving manner, the effect can be the same.

 Following are some questions suggested by the authors to determine if this could be an issue for you: Do you assume your partner is not being sincere?

 Do you deflect praise?

 Do you criticize your mate for not saying something “right” or at the right time or place?

 Do you feel embarrassed by compliments or by displays of affection?

 Do you harden your heart or mind to positive comments?

If so, these can be signs of self-hatred, that could be engrained since childhood, say Hendricks and Hunt. Even if you wouldn’t call it self-hatred, maybe you’d agree that you dislike parts of yourself?

How can you overcome the inclination to devalue yourself? It’s a bit complicated. “You can’t consciously achieve self-love by loving yourself. To end self-rejection, you have to learn to love in another what you hate in yourself,” says Harville. If you’re unsure what qualities in yourself you dislike, pay attention to what you repeatedly criticize in others. “Self-love is born out of love of another,” he explains.

As you learn to more completely love your partner, this allows you to receive more love. It also requires giving up a victim mentality and letting go of criticism and judgments you received from others.
Be open with your spouse about when and why you struggle with their gifts of love. Be empathetic if your partner is trying to grow in this area, and reinforce your support and love for them so they have a safe emotional place in the marriage.
This honesty can help you grow in intimacy. Speaking of intimacy, I found this post from Journey to Surrender on “Intimacy—As Much as You Want” very helpful and interesting. I recommend checking it out.

Do you ever find yourself wondering if you could be loved as much as your spouse claims to love you, or deflecting compliments? Do you sometimes feel like your gifts of love are rejected by your partner? If so, it may be time to discuss how this affects your relationship. Linking to the article or reading the book may also benefit you.


Speaking in Men’s Language To Get Along With Your Husband

November 3, 2010

Here is another great repost from Life Gems/Marriage Gems by Lori Lowe. She offers uncanny research as well as her own writing to the married condition. I admire her work and recommend her blog to you if you want to get along better with your spouse. I have pasted the link to her blog below. Enjoy

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/10/28/how-wives-can-learn-to-speak-the-language-of-men-get-their-attention/#comments

Of course all men do not speak alike. My brother, for instance, uses sports analogies in business: “This is a slam dunk!” Meanwhile, my husband has minimal interest in or connection to sports. However, there is a common communication thread with most of the men I know, and Scott Haltzman, MD, puts his finger on this commonality in his book The Secrets of Happily Married Women. In the book, he suggests wives need to learn to speak the language of men, which he calls Man-ese. (It’s just one of the interesting secrets I learned about when reading this book.)

Dr. Haltzman says men tend to be very direct and objective. They make their point, then they’re done. Think about a high-level business meeting and how everyone tries to communicate only the key nuggets of information. Women, meanwhile, are more subjective talkers who enjoy discussing feelings and details of daily events, storytelling, context, etc. (Yep, that’s me.) For women, this type of conversation doesn’t lack purpose. However, men who are listening may not be able to remain focused for the entire length of the conversation, even if they try.“I honestly believe that this small change in your communication style, all by itself, has the power to drastically improve your relationship with your husband, making you both oh so much happier,” says Dr. Haltzman.

1. Put your point up front. The average female’s attention span is 15 minutes, while the average male attention is five minutes. Get your point out fast before you lose him, especially if you see his focus wandering.

2. Use fewer words. Did you ever realize that people who talk less are more closely listened to? The more you talk, the less people listen.
3. Speak in his language. Don’t meander and hint about your point. (They don’t get it.) Be simple and direct. Instead of giving all the reasons you won’t have time to make dinner, ask him to pick up take-out. When you need ice cream, a back rub or a hug, ask for it!

4. Give him time to respond. He may be thinking of the best way to respond.

5. Watch your timing. Remember that while women are natural multi-taskers (there I go generalizing again), men usually do not possess this skill. (Although my dear hubby is amazingly skilled in so many areas, he can only do one task at a time.) If you talk to your guy when he is otherwise engaged, he will probably not be able to hear you or remember your conversation at a later point. Remove distractions (including hunger) when possible.

In short, Dr. Haltzman advises being concise and direct. Then you’ll only have to make your point once.

So, do you agree with this description of Man-ese? Do you sometimes find yourself talking and not being heard? Does your sweetie sometimes miss your point entirely or forget what you asked him to do? Share your feedback if you give this “Talk Less” strategy a try.


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