Women and Sex in Marriage

Women and Sex
I get all kinds of negative feedback from women on other blogs where I suggest that she willingly and lovingly take care of her husband’s sexual needs. I really get hung out to dry when I suggest that most men need sex 3 times a week where most women force him to deal with a diet of sex once a week or less. Women talk about having to have sex is equivalent to rape.

This is a negative outcome of casual sex where women were in total control. They expect to go into marriage with that same total control. Control has no place in marriage. Marriage is about loving your partner and taking care of their needs. Most women and all feminists teach that women should only have sex when THEY feel like it and that men should just do without or masturbate if the wife does not feel like it. I find it ironic that these same feminists rail against pornography which men use as a masturbation aid. Talk about total dominance.

We also have problems with women and their churches where they teach that sex is dirty, bad and wrong and that “good girls don’t do it.” By the time that they are ready to embrace their sexuality, they are so negatively conditioned about sex that they are often ruined for life. This shows up in prim and proper undergarments where women refuse to wear lacy frilly lingerie for their men, Women often associate it with slutty women and reasoning that they are not sluts, that therefore it must be sinful and they refuse. It often shows up in what women refuse to do for their husbands in bed. Hebrews 13:4 says that nothing that a husband and wife do in bed together is sinful. I Cor 7 says that neither a husband or wife should refuse their partner sex, that their body is no longer their own but belongs to their partner.

Marabelle Morgan back in the 1970’s had a wildly successful ministry called the Total Woman Ministry where she advocated that women take better care of their husband’s sexual needs. Marriages were being saved and men became more romantic. Then the feminists made her an object of national scorn and the ministry died, They even made a propaganda film called The Stepford Wives to mock her. Afterwards the divorce rate skyrocketed. The problem is that kids are hugely negatively impacted from divorce. Judith Wallerstein did a landmark study on divorce and noted huge problems with the kids of divorce even into adulthood.

It has been said that “Behind every great man is a woman” the implication is that this woman is taking good care of him and his sexual needs. To not do it, is to sabotage your own relationship.

Women, men dream of happily ever after too. It consists of a woman who WANTS to take care of his sexual needs.

22 Responses to Women and Sex in Marriage

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    My friend, it doesn’t surprise me that you get your head handed to you so much over this; you advocate doing something that a lot of women don’t feel they have to do and for whatever reason they see fit not to do it. It takes away choice and infers that it’s something that men have exclusively but women aren’t allowed to even think about.

    No matter what doctrine you follow, it’s still their body; do they not have a right to say when to share it and who they’re going to share it with? If you look at what you’re saying about this, sex becomes a chore, a thing they’re being compelled to do… and all based on something some women just do not believe in.

    Maybe it is about control, women trying to wrest something away from men that you imply is a man’s right to have over her. If I were a woman, yeah, you’d piss me off big time, too! You’re basically telling me I have no choice in the matter; either do it or be damned for not doing it – and how I feel or think has little or no meaning.

    You imply that my duty in this takes priority over my rights as a human being. Now, really, how many women are going to roll like that? And if men can reject such a thing, why can’t women do the same?

    I don’t know about you, my friend, but the worst sex I’ve ever had has been with a woman who didn’t feel like having sex with me and was doing it simply because it was expected. In this, you wind up having sex with someone doing a good imitation of a dead body, just lying there and without any investment in the act.

    Doesn’t sound like fun, does it? If, as a man, this isn’t fun for you, imagine what it’s like for her?

  2. No, I advocate that she do it willingly and lovingly.
    The alternative is sex once a week or less for the average woman and that is not tolerable to me or most other men. Now I am big on teaching men to do it better so that women don’t view it as a chore but something that she actually enjoys.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  3. kdaddy23 says:

    Well, yeah, I do feel you on that… it’s just a matter of convincing those women who’d rather kick you in the crotch that you really do mean well where they’re concerned.

    Her doing it willingly and lovingly works… but it’s still really about whether or not she wants to, right? Where we, as men, get into trouble in this is that we fail to look at sex from her point of view – and she does have one. The reasons for the lack of consistent sex in a marriage is not often about how it’s being done; it’s about what’s going on in her head about it and if we, as men, don’t bother to find this out and understand it as best we can, well, we will always continue to be baffled.

    Given that a lot of women today look at being married as a co-equal partnership, well, goo-gobs of sex might not be on the menu because, even as my own wife tells me, they just have other things on their mind and stuff to be done that pushes sex down on their list of things to do.

    So, when you come along and say that they should get all dolled up for their man and make him feel like this or that, some women come back at you with a basic question: What about me? What am I getting out of all of this? And, yeah, even saying that they have better things to do than to kowtow to her husband’s sexual needs.

    So, yeah, that’s why I think you get kicked in the balls a lot. You should know how funny women are: They like and hate being sexual objects all at the same time! I mean, how many times have you, in your practice, heard a wife complain about her husband always wanting sex from her – and how that makes her feel? It’s almost exactly why women ask us, “Is that all you ever think of?”

    Of course it is, more often than not. And, really, they do like that we want to do them all the time… and can’t stand it, too.

  4. Hey Rob:

    Believe it or not, I am not a masochist. I know that I will get my head handed to me when I go in and make my suggestions. I have always thought outside the box and stood for what is right in spite of negative consequences.

    I do it because my kids were so hurt by my divorce. Now sex was not an issue for me. Every woman I have ever had a relationship with, I have made it clear that I expect sex when I need it and expect to get it. I have always gotten them to go along with it.
    The problem that I had was lack of respect usually because I did not make enough money.

    I started studying the effects on children as the result of the divorce and it is devastating. I had no other choice but to start confronting women for the absolute control they exert on their husbands. Can we agree that control has no business in a relationship. I confront them over their sin and while they might yell at me immediately, I can only hope that it buts them and they think about it.

    Blessings
    John

    • Marialatin says:

      “Every woman I have ever had a relationship with, I have made it clear that I expect sex when I need it and expect to get it. I have always gotten them to go along with it.
      The problem that I had was lack of respect usually because I did not make enough money”.

      This actually works? Do you mean that you actually say that to a woman and she continues the relationship?

      Whatever magic formula you have devised should be shared with the millions of men who cannot manage to get sex on demand. It’s difficult, I always thought that relationship councilors advise partners that feeling entitled to get something from their partner is not good. Entitlement makes the receiver dismissive of the giver, if you get something you’er entitled to then there is no reason to be grateful or appreciative.

      This is a real life situations faced by many men – husband works 60 hr weeks to give his wife and family a big house, vacations, nice car, etc because he wants to make his wife and family happy. But wife never expresses appreciation for all his hard work. She lavishes love and attention onto the kids and Mr good guy gets none. Like you, she probably think’s “I need it and expect to get it”. No appreciation need be expressed.

      I think it is bad business to advise men that they are entitled to get sex, on demand because they have “needs”. It could just as easily be said of women and their list of entitlements too. If you support a man’s “needs” on demand then you, a priori, advocate that his partner get her needs met on demand. You support the all too common scenario above.

      I am waiting for some talented man or woman who is wise enough coax us to understand, love and accept the differences between the genders and break this log jam of man against woman; woman against man. . Someone who can guide us towards negotiating the delicate balance that leads to successful relationships.

      Crude demands don’t work, unless you’ve got something that millions of other men don’t.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        It could very well be that traditional roles, which have been in play for generations, is what causes the no-sex issues. Men are expected to bring home the bacon, women are expected to cook it and take care of the home and, supposedly and in theory, sex is the reward for a job well done… except it no longer works like that.

        Sex as an entitlement no longer works in our society and it’s just my opinion that trying to encourage people to work with what most consider to be outdated notions just ain’t gonna cut it.

        I like what you say about understanding difference and working toward a balance. Here’s the problem with this: People have to want to understand and work toward striking a balance. One has to think “us” more than “me” and people today aren’t of a mind to do this; it’s always about what “I” want and what “I” need, what “I” want you to do and, my least favorite thing, what “I” ain’t gonna do.

        And some folks just don’t see the reason behind achieving the balance that is so necessary to have a successful relationship. Relationships are less and less old school these days… but the new school of thought makes having sex a victim; it’s become optional instead of the “requirement” it used to be. Men continue to demand the tribute of sex due their so-called entitlement; women are saying, “Oh, really? Good luck with that…”

        Indeed, traditional relationships are going by the wayside because, for some, that “me Tarzan, you Jane” mindset can no longer work in our society. It’s the reason why you see and hear of so many couples either divorcing or taking alternative routes to find some sort of happiness and even if it’s just for sex.

        I know that in my lifetime, I’ve heard so many people say that relationships cannot and should not be based on sex alone and that sex in a relationship cannot be a high priority. Personally, this is a stupid way to think, although I understand why people think like that. Sex in the relationship IS important and IS a big part of the relationship so as long as people remain in denial about this, sex in the relationship will continue to suffer.

      • Hey Marialatin

        You misunderstand, I do not suggest crude crude demands. I give in return. I do a
        great job of taking care of her needs and
        giving her multiple orgasms before and
        after I am done. I also give her great
        massage to get her in the mood and sometimes
        treat her to hot towel massages afterwards.

        I also take part in the housework and do a lot o
        of the cooking

        Blessings on you and yours
        John Wilder

  5. Bothers them in their quiet time.

  6. kdaddy23 says:

    We can agree that using sex as a controlling method in a relationship is not a good thing. Ideally, couples should strive to strike a balance where sex is concerned and we’ve seen where the “good” relationships have flourished sexually because both people understand how necessary sex is in a relationship.

    Sadly, it’s been my observation that women don’t respond well when you “demand” sex from them – and they’re not of a mind to give it at that moment. It could be seen that, in this, they’re trying to maintain control over their bodies and their right to decide when to have sex but, yeah, I’ve also seen where this control has been used as a weapon.

    I just don’t see how telling women to get all gussied up and give into their man’s demands resolves this issue; modern women just don’t respond well in this regard so when you do this, I just hope you’re wearing a cup…

  7. I am not TELLING them anything, I am suggesting that they do it out of love and do it voluntarily, willingly and lovingly. The alternative is that she becomes a bully and a dictator and this has no place in a relationship. The Bible backs up this idea in Proverbs 31 suggesting that men do better in business when their wives take care of their sexual needs. This is becasue they then can be centered and not distracted.

    Blessings
    John

  8. kdaddy23 says:

    No,not YOU telling, John; that’s “you” as in general, although some could perceive your (specifically) suggestions as telling them what to do. This, more than anything else, makes you have to wear a cup when women don’t agree with your words. Your approach is kinda/sorta biblical and, personally, I get that; it is, again, some women who don’t agree with you, your suggestions, or even your biblical references that you wind up fussin’ and fightin’ with.

    All I’m doing is offering up an alternative point of view…

  9. I appreciate your concern for my nuts, but leadership neccesitates riskinbg your nuts for the cause. If you will I am a professional shit disturber. If I don’t confront women who will and they need to be confronted.

    Blessings
    John

  10. Candice says:

    Dear John – apart from the issues brought up by Kdaddy, I think some people might take umbrage at being told to provide sex and like it because they simply do not like (or respect) the other party nor are they attracted. I believe many marriages are sex-free for this reason – people stay in the contract for a lot of other reasons. Having sex with someone you don’t like is horrid, nausea-inducing and thoroughly repulsive. Therefore perhaps the nasty comments towards your good self? I expect you really mean something like Emily Nagoski suggests – being willing to try kissing and cuddling with a loved one in the hope that something might happen …. 🙂 Candice

    • Hey Candice
      Your comments are well taken. I don’t believe that the vast majority of women are not attracted to or don’t respect their husbands, but are simply self centered. I know of a few marriages that you mention and for whatever reason, they choose to remain together. Most women if they don’t respect or are attracted to the men in their lives divorce them. Your examples are the exception to the rule and exceptions never disprove the rule.

      It has been this way since biblical times where God allowed men to have multiple wives and concubines because most women only want sex once a week or less. It changed with the Proverbs 31 women where it changed to one man, one wife, who was then tasked with taking care of all of her husband’s sexual needs. It is better for kids to have one father who gives them his entire attention.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John Wilder

  11. Candice says:

    Dear John – thanks for your thoughtful reply! I was not seeking to prove or disprove any rule, just to provide some insight into why you might be flamed for your views. Similarly, I will not debate what proportion of couples remain together without respect/attraction/love as I have no statistics nor experience in your society and culture. I, however, meet quite a few in my life within my own society. I will continue to read your column – both to learn new things and gain a window on your culture! Thanks Candice

  12. kdaddy23 says:

    I grew up hearing this: If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else will. It’s a saying that almost everyone knows about and one that people accept as a given and something that makes sense.

    Logic – and common sense – suggests that if you don’t want someone else taking care of your man/woman, then you need to step up and handle the business yourself. Yet, people just continue to defy the logic and common sense of this! “Jane” may not, for some reason, want to have sex with “John” and no one else is supposed to fill this void. And, yes, you can apply this for men who withhold sex in the relationship.

    I kinda disagree with John when he says women are self-centered; it’s my thought that PEOPLE are self-centered and no one gender can lay exclusive claim to this. Men blame women for the lack of sex and women point the finger right back at them. And until that vicious cycle can be broken and people can get back to thinking more about what makes us a couple than they do worrying about their own asses, the cycle will continue.

  13. Well we are all self centered in a way. Too many women tell me that men want sex but don’t want to help out around the house. This is a valid complaint however I see a lot of guys who work around the house and still don’t get sex often enough.

    I also hear complaints from women that men are lousy in the sack and this too is a valid complaint.
    This is why I post blogs on how to do it better and encourage men to do it better for their own benefit. Women are a lot more willing if men do a better job of pleasing their woman in bed.

    Blessings
    John

  14. kdaddy23 says:

    Yup, being tagged as being a lousy lay doesn’t help us guys very much. However, could it be that women, in general, prefer pornstar-like quality and quantity? I mean, we can learn things in order to please them… but is it ever enough? With no offense meant to any women reading this but there are times when we get pegged as being lousy in bed and it’s because she can’t tell us what she wants and needs; if you leave some of us to our own devices, yeah, we’re gonna mess it up, plain and simple. Yes, there are things that we should already know and should be able to do… but isn’t it really a matter of figuring out how to apply what we know in the best possible manner and that, with some input from her, we might not be seen as being lousy so often?

    And if women have that “I ain’t gonna do…” thing working, how does one get around that?

    I have a lady friend who constantly complains about how her man just can’t the job done for her – she’s high maintenance in bed and she doesn’t deny that. Her man has some physical limitations that hinder his ability to give her what she wants and, despite her being fully aware of this, she still berates him for not being able to deliver the goods in the precise way they have to be delivered.

    How does a man have to listen to this and not get his ego and self-esteem trashed – and still be expected to perform?

    Really, isn’t making love supposed to be something a couple does together? What happened to being able to figure out how to best do the nasty with each other? Sometimes, I think people have unreasonable expectations when it comes to sex; sadly, there are a lot of men and women who have issues with things sexual, borne out of some type of emotional or physical trauma that occurred in their respective pasts. If these things can’t be dealt with, well, isn’t the sex going to be lousy?

    And, if her man can’t get it done, what’s stopping her from teaching him what he needs to know to please her? Is it that lack of communication on both sides of the bed can be at the root of any inadequacies?

    And, really, if she’s going to be reluctant to give him the goodies, how is he going to find out what it’ll take to please her; inference by osmosis? A Vulcan mind meld? Jedi mind tricks?

    It’s one thing to generalize when it comes to men making better love to women when, in fact, that’s really a lot of specialized information because all women are not the same nor do they all respond to the same things in the same way. So it’s not what a man may or may not know about making love; it’s what he may or may not know when it comes to making love to her.

    Why advocate oral sex as a tried and true method if someone has issues with it? If she has latent fears, what makes them go away? Hell, if he has fears, what’s up?

    Hmph; no sex in the offing if he doesn’t help around the house? It might be valid but isn’t that sex based on a reward system? You do what I want you to do and you can get some? And, yes; men can go way above and beyond the call of duty and still not get any – but that same woman will then label him as being lousy or even unworthy of her body – how does one combat this mindset?

    This is when that self-centered crap comes in and men and women are equally guilty in this. The sex isn’t supposed to be just about one person or the other; it’s supposed to be about both of them, what they can and are willing to do in the pursuit of pleasure – isn’t that right?

  15. John Wilder says:

    Well stated and well said Rob
    Blessings
    John

  16. Top work always good to come across a really thoughtful website – I’ve bookmarked it.

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