Get Her To Engage In Your Sex Fantasies

This blog is compliments of Men’s Health Magaazine.
I don’t necessarily agree with 3 ways but you could do something very naughty that
might be just as satisfying. Do it in the same room with another couple while you watch
them and they watch you. No cross touching allowed but lots of looking allowed.
Enjoy and have more sex, it feells good and you need to make it not
BORING.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

Ask Her to Fulfill Your Sexual Fantasies
By: Ian Kerner, Ph.D.

What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?

There’s a question that gets people thinking. (I’ll pause here while you ponder it.) It’s a line I use often in my work as a sex therapist and writer.

Since I became an author, I can’t walk down the street without being stopped by someone: the UPS man, my building super, my upstairs neighbor—heck, I may know more about what turns on the guy behind the counter at my deli than his wife does. I’ve listened carefully to every man who would talk to me about sex—hundreds of them around the country.

It was all research for my book He Comes Next (the natural sequel to She Comes First, which was a bit more fun to research, since it involved talking to lots of women about what gives them pleasure).

My best-sex-ever question unlocks doors to memories, to taboos, to the contours of a man’s sexual landscape—what turns him on. More important, it often reveals what’s missing from his sex life now.

Not only do I hear about the best sex guys ever had, I hear about the best sex they never had—experiences they’ve always fantasized about, or maybe experienced just one glorious time, and can’t get out of their heads.

Though they’re happy to tell me, a virtual stranger, they’re often afraid to ask their partners for fear of offending or seeming weird. Public sex, threesomes, video-taping, domination—I get all the details, while the women in their lives hear nothing.

But it’s easier to open up than you may think. It starts with a “lovemap,” a term coined in 1980 by John Money, Ph.D., of Johns Hopkins University, to describe “the sexual template expressed in every individual’s erotic fantasies and practices.” This lovemap informs your likes, dislikes, fantasies, and fears. Great sex is about exploration and discovery, using each other’s map. It’s like finding buried treasure. Savvy?

The trick is in the asking. So I went back to a bunch of the women I interviewed for She Comes First and asked them what a man should say, or do, to get the sex he wants. Here’s the resulting list of general principles and specific lessons. With these, the best sex you’ve ever had is still in your future.

Start in the Shallow End

You have to ease your way into a fantasy. Acclimate her first. Here’s something from my files from a 28-year-old woman named Jenny: “My boyfriend really wanted to have sex outdoors—like on the beach. I was reluctant, but he didn’t pressure me. In fact, he did the opposite: He got me turned on about being a little exhibitionistic.

“First he would whisper sexy things in my ear when we were out at dinner with friends, or caress my leg under the table. Next it was my idea to go to a club without wearing any panties and fool around in a dark hallway, then continue the action on the cab ride home. Now I have my own fantasy: a quickie in an elevator. Beats sand in the crotch.”

The lesson: A fantasy starts as an idea. Plant it in her mind, then let it take root. Not only did Jenny’s boyfriend not pressure her, he let her make the fantasy her own.

If you’re nervous, tell her you had a wild dream about her, then play coy: Make her pry it out of you. You may find that she’s extremely interested (and has had her own fantasies). Presenting your fantasy as a dream avoids making her feel like she isn’t satisfying you. She can’t blame you for having a sexy dream about her.

Talk Before Taping

Before we get to the exciting stuff, a quick lesson in sexual science. There are two common categories of sexual arousal: reflex-based and psychogenic. The former is stimulation through physical touch: Rub here to activate. Psychogenic refers to mental stimulation and other sensory stimuli—from thinking sexy thoughts to seeing a miniskirt to smelling that perfume.

Most relationships start out in a psychogenic mode (everything is new!) and gradually become reflex-based. And too often boring.

Scheduled sex can be a good thing for busy couples, but it can also represent the worst of reflex-based sex, a kind of forced sexuality. The key is to add psychogenic stimuli. This is where a fantasy again can help.

First, enjoy talking about it. “My boyfriend really wanted to make a sex tape,” one woman told me. “At first I thought no way, but then he told me about the scenarios he wanted to film, and it was really sexy stuff. He had this whole kidnapper/abductee thing, and we got so turned on just talking about it, we didn’t need the costumes or camera—although we did make use of some of his old neckties.”

The lesson: Arouse her mind, and her body will follow. After years as a sex therapist, I’ve found that people don’t get excited over making sex tapes because they want to sit down later and watch themselves in all their sweaty, hairy glory. They like it because exhibitionism and voyeurism are two of the most popular types of fantasy on both men’s and women’s lists.

In my research, I’ve concluded there’s a little bit of both in us all, and it doesn’t take much to turn us on.

One guy said the key to convincing his girlfriend to make a sex tape was “giving her control over the wardrobe. I handed her my Amex card and told her to buy an outfit that made her feel sexy and comfortable, starting with the lingerie.” That’s an inspired move, and she gets to keep the clothes.

Bonus tip: Offer to tape without hitting the “record” button—the camera’s mere presence can be exciting. Flip the camera’s LCD screen around for an occasional glimpse, or plug it into the TV so you’re on-screen. That way you’re on display but not being recorded. The thrill of this audition could lead to recording later.

Make that Threesome Happen

This fantasy has become a pop-culture cliché, one that’s more often talked about than actually acted upon. But threesomes do happen, and I have the notes to prove it. Said Angela, 32, “This guy kept talking about how hot it would be to have sex with two women, and I felt like, What’s wrong with me, am I not good enough on my own? It really pissed me off. It was all about him, and the fantasy seemed totally selfish.

“Then I started seeing this really nice guy, and he told me he had a threesome fantasy. I thought, Oh no, here we go again. But when I asked him why, he told me how beautiful I was and how sexy it would be to see me so turned on by another woman, and how much he loved the idea of two sets of hands on my body at once. Well, when he put it that way, I liked the idea, too. He made it all about me—not just in words, but also in action—and it was a great experience.”

The lesson: Make sure she’s the star of your fantasy, especially if it involves a supporting cast member. This is a sensitive issue with some women, so make sure everything is clear beforehand.

As one 28-year-old man told me, “My girlfriend said she was willing to have a three-way, but I didn’t want her to do it for me. I wanted her to do it with me. I told her she could back out and that I loved her no matter what, and she really appreciated that. Then she gave it the thumbs-up. Man, did she ever.”

Include Her

Sounds simple, right? But it doesn’t come naturally for guys who, let’s face it, are used to doing certain things on their own: choosing porn, buying her lingerie, going to a strip club. Make her part of the process. It makes her think, which is half the battle.

“It used to drive me crazy that guys are so into porn,” said Heather, 26. “I always felt like I was in competition with porn stars and their bodies. But my current boyfriend said it would just be something fun to do together, and we went to the video store.

“In all honesty, I was kind of curious. I can’t remember the movie we picked, Hannah Does Her Sisters or something like that. I do remember we laughed at it, but then tried some of the moves and positions. Now Friday night is our sexy-movie night, and it’s really kept our relationship hot.”

The lesson: Give her a chance to change her mind about porn. She literally may not know what she’s missing. Mention this bit of science if you think it’ll help. A study at the Washington University school of medicine in St. Louis measured brain-wave activity of 264 women as they viewed erotic imagery.

The conclusion: Women have responses as strong as those seen in men. My own research supports this—many women tell me privately that they enjoy porn, at least if it’s well made. But I find that women have to feel comfortable in order to overcome societal taboos that keep them from admitting they might enjoy it.

If she’s still resistant, suggest watching a sex-education video together. The couples shown are not as intimidating as those in porn. And continuing education can be a wonderful thing; the take-home tests are really fun—no grading as long as you complete the assignment.

8 Responses to Get Her To Engage In Your Sex Fantasies

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    Getting the fantasies out of your head can be fun but, as the article says, ah, women can be really funny about such things whether it involves them or not. I’ve learned over the years that having fantasies are looked at as a bad thing and tends to reflect on the individual and spurs that, “I’m not good enough for you?” question. So people keep such things to themselves.

    I know guys who have made their woman’s fantasies a reality but when it was his turn to bring his to life, she wasn’t trying to hear any of it. Yeah, it might be “her first, him second” but in this, it’s “her first and he’d better not even think about it!”

    Sure, porn gives us a lot of ideas and, yep, women don’t quite understand why we watch it so much… but here’s a hint: If you were doing it more often and willing to explore each other’s fantasies, maybe I wouldn’t watch so much porn… Since that ain’t gonna happen, pass me that DVD, will ya?

    I’m not sure I agree with any of what the article has to say, even though, logically, it makes sense.

  2. Hey Rob
    Sounds like you have had more than your fair share of very negative women in your life. I have had more than my fair share who would give me the fantasies that I wanted. You just need to build her up in her mind that she is a sexual being and that makes her more attractive to you.
    John

  3. The predictable fallout from marriages that try threesomes keeps me in business.

  4. Alex says:

    For my wife, its always a morality issue. She’d like to do this or that, but doesnt feel right about doing it. So I get stuck fantasizing in my head. Though we have sex practically every night, sex has lost a lot of its spontaneity. It’s just “quickies” basically.
    For example, we started watching Spartacus Blood and Sand. We would touch each other and have sex while watching it. We both enjoyed it. A year later (almost) I went and got it again so we could finish watching it. And then she informs me, she “cant do it”. She doesnt feel its right. But she doesnt want me to be upset about it. Im trying not to be upset with her. I mean, I dont want her to do something against her conscious. But dang…everything fun is against her conscious it seems. Public sex. Having someone watch. Watching someone else. Watching sexy shows. Dressing skimpy in public. etc. She always says, she likes the idea, but doesnt feel its right to do. Its really frustrating. Im trying to come up with things to keep things interesting. But i feel like I keep getting shot down.

    • Hey Alex
      Find my blog post on Sex and the Bible to reassure her that things are not wrong and have her read it. If you would like I can talk to her after reading it
      because I give a free half hour consulttation.
      Blessings on you and yours
      Johhn Wilder

  5. kdaddy23 says:

    John, you just gotta take the good with the bad in this; the good thing is I personally don’t have much in the way of unfulfilled fantasies – ain’t too many things I haven’t done in my lifetime.

    Alex hits the nail when he says it’s a morality issue – there are some things that just aren’t supposed to be done – but the reality says otherwise. That threesome thing? Been there, done that and it can be good and bad depending on how it’s handled but, yeah, it’s a grave moral issue for some and people will tend to pay more attention to their moral compass than their desire to get laid in, um, non-standard ways.

    Given that a lot of women do have issues like this, it doesn’t surprise me that a lot of men spend more time daydreaming (and masturbating) about the fantasies that will never be realized. Say the word “threesome” to a woman whose moral compass says this should never be done – and I hope you’re wearing body armor and ear plugs. Even things like not having sex in the bedroom can give some women the willies, ya know?

    That some men don’t go about this in the “right” way doesn’t help our cause in this because, in most cases, we appear to be greedy; we want more than what she has to offer and that’s not going to make her a happy camper. Have a fantasy about getting it on in an elevator? Ain’t gonna happen because women are funny about exposing the goodies in public like that and what’s the first thing they say? “What if somebody sees us?”

    Morality and modesty in a woman – or even a man – will make a lot of fantasies never come into the light and it is difficult to override someone’s conditioning in this. Of course, some people – like me – don’t have a problem getting way out of the box – but it often comes down to a matter of how the fantasy is handled and that, my friend, requires a great deal of communication… and we know how people don’t do that a lot.

  6. Well personally I don’t agree with threesomes as I stated in the post, but have been moderately successful at gettting fantasies done. Got the wife to let me raise her skirt around her waist, exposing her pink and frilly and lacy panties. I had my hand inside them gettting her off and we played “tease the trucker” by pulling up along side him in the passing lane and letting him get a nice view. She once having gotten her jollies off ( and she was very agreeable to the fantasy) would then turn around and again having her skirt hiked high would bend over at the waist and give me a blow job going down the highway again for the trucker’s enjoyment. We felt that they deserved a break after hours of boredom.

    Also screwed on the beach at night and went skinny dipping afterwards where people were going by and could see us albeit in the dark.

    Never had much trouble getting women to blow me and swallow or at least let me blow in their mouths as well as doing anal and getting repeats on the anal. Part of it was in part my willingness to prepare her by tonguing out her asshole and making her wildly turned on, It feels great and is a real turn on and then handing her a vibrator to put on her clitty while she rode me facing away giving me a great view of my johnson being buried up her bung hole.

    Blessings
    John

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