Sex Advice For Single Men

September 27, 2011

Sexual Advice For Single Men
Many of you have the attitude that I had in my twenties. I had this juvenile attitude that the more women I got to have sex with me made me a better man or defined me as a stud. I even decided to start a panty collection of all of the women that I had sex with so that I had visual proof of my conquests. Society reinforces that attitude with a knowing nod to the notion that “boys will be boys”. That somehow boys need to “sow wild oats”. Hugh Hefner became an iconic figure in our society with that same philosophy. Considering the very definition of a “playboy” (insert definition here) conjures up the notion that he is immature, self centered and irresponsible.

In science, there is a rule that states: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. What I failed to realize at first was that my attitude made me very self-centered and narcissistic. I had no care or concern about the women with whom I had sex. I did not care about their feelings about being used and tossed aside like a dirty piece of laundry. At least with my dirty laundry, I picked it up, washed it and continued to wear the clothes. With the women, they were tossed aside while I was looking for the next conquest.

What happens is that for every woman that you use, you and she become more jaded and callous. No one trusts anyone anymore. Because of this, it becomes harder and harder to commit to a person. People are constantly afraid of being discarded. For a relationship to truly work, you need people to be committed 100% not a 50-50 relationship. A 50-50 relationship indicates that both people are only half-heartedly committed and ready to bail at any time. You need security in a relationship as does the woman. Sex between a man and a woman creates a bond. When you so casually toss aside that bond, it indicates that you are not trustworthy and that you are just willing to selfishly use someone for your own gratification and care nothing for her feelings.

Now I know that there are a certain number of you reading my book to learn new techniques to pleasure a woman better and give her more orgasms. That is a good thing. The bad thing is that some of you are only reading it to learn new techniques so as to be more effective at being promiscuous. No one really respects someone who is promiscuous.

I wrote this book to help people be better at their relationships and strengthen their relationships. The real definition of being a man is someone who can be counted on for the long haul. A man who leads his life as an example of integrity and absolute honesty. That old fashioned notion of your word is your bond.

The very definition of love is putting the other person’s needs first. You need to be bringing a woman to a few orgasms before you climb on and get yours and leave her unfulfilled and frustrated. If you get off and don’t get her off, you are just using her and that is not love or making love.

That attitude was the founding principle for the Christian organization called Promise Keepers. It is also the guiding principle for a national ministry called: The National Center for Fathering, founded by Dr. Ken Canfield. Dr. Canfield says that not only is it important to honor your promises and commitments to your wife, but it is even more important to honor them to your children.

None of that is possible or likely if you are being self-centered and narcissistic. You need to put your woman and children first and be committed to them. I wrote this so that you could use the information to better please your woman in bed so that she would be more willing to give you the sex that you want when you want it. The purpose is to strengthen the relationship. Great sex tends to really bond and strengthen the relationship. If you just use it for sex without the corresponding commitment, then it becomes a self-centered waste.

The Bible has some instructions for all of us men in the following scriptural references:

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it;…so men out men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church;…For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh…Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; Ephesians 5: 25,28,29,31,33<

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to the knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers might not be hindered. I Peter 3:7

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking who he may destroy. I Peter 5:8

I will give you similar advice that I gave to the single women in the preceding chapter. People have become far too promiscuous. Not only is it immoral, but it is dangerous. We have epidemic venereal diseases in the world. You don’t want to be playing “Russian Roulette” with your life and health. Before you engage in sex with a woman, you should have her produce a very recent negative Aids and venereal disease test. You should also be questioning her about her hopes and dreams about love, marriage and children. There are more and more women out there looking for recreational sex and are not serious about marriage. You need to find out how supportive she would be of you and how nurturing. Before you actually have sex with her, it would behoove you to find out how she would respond in bed. Will she give you blow jobs? What does she think is an appropriate number of times a week to have sex? Will she talk dirty in bed to you? There are a lot of women out there who are very prudish about sex and unwilling to change. 60% of the women out there have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less. Don’t you think that it would be good for you to find that out before having sex with her? If she is not even willing to have a conversation with you about it, you don’t want her anyway. Couples have fights about the BIG THREE: MONEY, SEX AND KIDS.

Too many women out there practice the policy of not talking about sex before she has sex with a man and hoping for the best. This is part of her notions about sex being spontaneous. She does not want to think about it in advance because of her guilt over sex. If she does not talk to you about it before having sex with you, she feels somewhat resolved over her guilt and tells herself that it “just happened”. It is further complicated that she still has that romantic notion of the “knight in shining armor” sweeping her off of her feet and then wanting to keep her. Too often it is these kinds of thoughts and notions that are on her mind when she goes to bed with you.

I would suggest on the second or third date to have the conversation with her about sex if you have an interest in her and that you feel that she has an interest in you. If she asks you why you are initiating a conversation about sex when you have not even had sex with her, you can honestly answer that: You feel that sex is important and should not be entered into lightly or irresponsibly. Since this is the way that you feel and that you want to respect her by not having sex with her if you realize that the relationship is not going to be compatible, you want to spare her feelings of having sex with her and not continuing into a relationship. You are trying to spare her feelings. It gives her a way to preview you as well as you previewing how she would react. It is only by talking with each other and getting a feel about their sexual style can you evaluate if you want to pursue the relationship any further. It saves hurt feelings and the notion of having been used for sex. It is honest and shows integrity. If she fiercely resists an honest conversation you need to pass any way. The foundation of a good relationship you can tell her is the ability to communicate openly and honestly with each other, especially over important topics like sex. The key to fantastic mind blowing sex is in a committed relationship where both parties in the relationship practice 100-100 comitment. It is not found in casual promiscuous sex. I am suggesting to you that the essence of being a true man is someone who can be counted upon for honesty and integrity. You can’t be that kind of man and practice casual sex for your own selfish gratification. A good marriage is the best possible solution for you. Let me quote some others on why you should seek to be married:

According to David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead who are co-directors of the Marriage Project at Rutgers university, they have found the following factors yield the best chance at long-lasting satisfying marriage: having similar goals and interests, know each other well but don’t live together before they get married, come from intact families, marry after age 25, and are not expecting a child, similar in age, race, religion, political beliefs, education, intelligence and values. The payoff of a good marriage is personal happiness, more and better sex than singles, economic success, health and long life, and very positive benefits for the children.

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The Number 1# Mistake Most Wives Make

September 13, 2011

This is a great guest post found in Your Frisky online magazine for women. It completely agrees with what I have been writing on here. Read it, the marriage that you save could be your own.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

By Sarah Baron
A friend of the Anonymous8 is a single middle age woman who is petite, beautiful, and a go-getter. She has dated a lot. She is interested in a long term relationship, so she is careful who she dates. She has gone out with numerous men, and boy, did she learn something interesting from listening to them.

One night she explained that she made a major discovery about men from her new dating life. Now, we are all curious. We wondered what is it that she found out?

What she has discovered is so simple and basic and it makes so much sense that you will want to slap yourself in the forehead. Sometimes you need to hear it from the outside to see if it applies to you.
First, almost all of the men she has seen are divorcees. She explains that every one of her dates tells her the same story.

“Ladies, let me tell you what. All of these men, they say exactly the same thing to me. And you can see it in each of their eyes. They felt ignored, like their needs weren’t met, like they were last on the list. They tell me this EVERY SINGLE TIME (take your index finger and tap it with vigor on the table while reading that for emphasis), that they were put behind the kids and the friends and were not led to feel as important as other parts of their ex-wives lives. They were lonely. Each man’s story – it’s like a broken record.” And with that last thought, she lets out a sigh.

She goes on. From there, the marriages start to die. These men saw the needs of everyone else came before their needs were met. They were all lonely, and things fell apart.

Of course, this got us all thinking. Have we been doing this to our husbands? Or have our husbands been doing this to us? And it was a slap in the face, a wake up call, and a chance to readjust some of our priorities.

The moral of the story for me is that marriage needs to be at the top of the priority list. I heard it once like this – take care of yourself first (yea! like that’s real easy or achievable when you are in the trenches with kids and jobs and husbands to tend to…), your marriage second, and your kids third. Kids need a happy mom and dad, a supportive family unit, and parents who invest in each other.


The Secret To Having Happily Ever After For Women

September 7, 2011

Recently I was interviewed on Spiritually Raw. You should google them.

John Wilder

The Secret To Having Happily Ever After
Whatsoever a man (woman) soweth, that shall he (she) also reap. Galatians

Women from the time that they were little girls have fantasized about having “happily ever after”

Sadly, this is usually a very self centered dream with her prince fawning over her and granting her
her every desire while she sits on her behind. Rarely do women give any thought as to what happily ever after looks like for a man.

For a marriage or a relationship to work there has to be give and take
It can’t possibly work when one is doing all the taking. This simply
builds resentment on the part of the man and he starts to withdraw
emotionally.

On behalf of men everywhere, let me give you what the average guy sees as “happily ever after”

Men want women to be our best friend, to have our back against all enemies. To listen to our hopes and dreams and be an encourager to us.

We want nurturing when we are hurting emotionally. We want you to give us sex willingly and lovingly and never ever put us down for our sexuality. It would be like putting a woman down for having a period.

We also want you to be sexually adventurous and throw off those inhibitions. You know what inhibitions are, they are stop signs to great sex. Too many women worry that if they fully embrace their sexuality, that the man will consider her slutty. No, what the man will think is that you are sexually sophisticated and that you want to please us. This creates tremendous bonds between men and women.
We want you to dress to please us which usually calls for frilly lacy lingerie not the deadly dull virginal white nylon panties with no lace and no color.

There is an old italian proverb in what a man wants from a wife and it sums it up quite succinctly: He wants a good mother for his kids, a good hostess for his friends and he wants a slut in the bedroom for himself. For you women who object to the term slut, how about sexual animal? We want you to have a sexual desire and initiate sex with us and not always make us come to you for sex.

In honor of Babygirl’s critique, let me add for you men, you need to do it much better for your woman. Too many of you want to get it over quickly with little foreplay for your woman. Sex feels good, take your time. When it comes to orgasms, it should ALWAYS BE WOMEN FIRST!
Instead of getting it over in 5 minutes, delay your ejaculation by withdrawing and going back down on your woman and gettting her off again and then reenter her. Doing it this way, I have literally have lasted for two hours and given the woman up to 20 orgasms. Finally, when you are done, don’t roll over and go to sleep. Go into the bathroom and get a hot towel and give your woman a quick hot towel massage and clean her up between her legs. Then powder her down with her favorite powder and rub it in. Then climb back in bed with her, take her in your arms and hold her and talk to her instead of making her feel like you used her like a “piece of meat’.

Women if you give your man his dream of happily ever after, you would be amazed at how hard he would work to give you your dream of “happily ever after”.

What you sow, so shall you reap.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder


The Holy Grail, How To Stop Fighting with your Spouse and Relatives

September 1, 2011

This blog post was reposted on the Spiraturally Raw Website and thanks to April for posting it.
John Wilder

All Blog PostsMy BlogAddTHE HOLY GRAIL! How To STOP FIGHTING With Your Spouse or Relatives & Conflict RESOLUTION SKILLS!!! Posted by April Villarose-Matta on September 1, 2011 at 1:00pm
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How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse or Relatives, Good Conflict Resolution Skills

Nothing kills your sex life and hurts your relationship like fighting. It is imperative for the health and continuation of your relationship to learn to resolve conflict peacefully. I always tell my relationship and sexual coaching clients to go home and rent two movies and study them: THE BREAKUP and WAR OF THE ROSES. It is another example of art illustrating and imitating life. Now there is no such thing as a couple who are going to agree on everything.

The key to a good relationship is being able to resolve those differences without hurting each other and inflicting damage on the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is one of the keys to having a good relationship and great sex life.

QUESTION: Are you combative or collaborative?

Do you want to win the fight or resolve the problem?

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR PARTNER!

Ask, “In what way can we solve this problem?”

When you attack your spouse, they tend to want to counter attack which only escalates the problem. Instead of accusing your partner, Make the problem and its solution mutual rather than a contest and argument.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage from the Bible is obvious and requires no interpretation. It is a simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason for this should be obvious. You know when you and your spouse are fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses and damages the relationship. There is another reason: your children sense the tenseness or worse yet see you fighting. It scares them and they have no way to resolve it, make it better or the ability to get away from it. This is literally torture for your children. It upsets their digestion, their sleep, and their emotional well being. Fighting in front of children is never okay. If you really need to have a fight, find a way to get the children somewhere else where they don’t witness it.

There is a syndrome called Fight or Flight Syndrome. This is a coping system in people and animals. Men tend to feel it more profoundly because of the testosterone in their systems and because nature gives them a strong “protector instinct”. What happens when you feel stressed and threatened, the body releases massive amounts of adrenaline in your body. The purpose of this adrenaline is a simple survival mechanism. The idea is that you can use the adrenaline to run away from your opponent or predator faster than they can chase you and catch you. The other option is that you have so much adrenaline in you that you are able to successfully fight off an enemy or predator. The body is designed to be releasing and dissipating this adrenaline by either fighting or fleeing in a very short period of time. When you do neither, it creates a tremendous amount of stress in you that is not good for the body. It is internalized. Imagine having the need to urinate or sneeze and you can’t do it and you are stuck. It is a miserable feeling. In fact this kind of unrelieved stress is one of the main causes of heart disease and heart attack. When you internalize this stress rather than venting it through fighting or fleeing, you do a lot damage to the body and the relationship. Many times violence can ensue especially with men. This is why the Bible is so clear and unequivocal about resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back that notion up:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother (friend, wife, husband, other relative) has anything against you; Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words it is so important to resolve the problem immediately because of how an argument can fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that you leave church in the middle of the service to go and reconcile the problem.

LOSE YOUR TEMPER

People will often say that they lost their temper. In fact, they used their temper. Couples often use anger to control and manipulate each other, usually one is stronger than the other and bullies their partner with their anger. Men because of their superior strength tend to use that strength to bully the wife and sometimes hit the wife. This is unhealthy for the relationship and is inexcusable according to the following biblical passages:

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

God gave us men superior strength so as to use it to protect our wives and family, not use it against her. Men note the message at the end of the verse; if you misuse your strength against your wife, God will not answer or heed your prayers. That is a powerful warning that is not nearly emphasized enough in churches or Sunday schools today. There is far too much violence against women. I believe that the disrespect and violence against women by men is in large part responsible for the rise of feminism in this country. While feminism has in this writer’s opinion swung entirely too far the other way, one should not dismiss the feminist notions as completely without merit. There were and are legitimate causes for anger on the part of women. The Christian response to some of these concerns was another movement called: Promise Keepers. It is a Christian men’s organization whose principle tenants are that we as men need to be better husbands, fathers and Christian leaders.

Here are scriptures relating to anger especially notable to men.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8

A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18

Women you also have a responsibility to keep a happy and peaceful home. There are numerous commands in the Bible regulating your conduct with your spouse as well. The following verse is representative of those commands.

The contentions of a wife are like a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words like a continual dripping faucet.

We can all agree that men should not physically beat on women. Many times as indicated in the above biblical passages, women don’t have a problem beating verbally on men. The problem is, not only does it hurt your relationship but is very problematic for the husband for a number of reasons. By verbally beating on the husband, you cause the fight or flight syndrome to turn on and gives him tremendous unresolved stress. When the argument goes on, it makes it worse for the man and he gets more and more stressed to where he can explode and hit the wife. Your children are also stressed in this way. They feel the stress of that same Fight or Flight Syndrome and they are powerless to do anything about it. Continued stress of this type can cause heart disease and heart attack.
So the Bible is pretty explicit that hasty anger is not good for relationships and that anger needs to be controlled. Anger is not to be used to beat someone with or to get our own way by manipulating and intimidating them.

However the Bible does not say that you can’t get angry. You can get angry, but you have to control the anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So you see that anger is a human emotion, but you must control it, not use it as a weapon but express it so as to resolve the problem. Often when a person gets angry, they start yelling and raising their voice. This is simply a ploy to try and scare someone or attempt to manipulate someone. This is not an appropriate use or expression of anger. Screaming is an equal opportunity sin by both men and women. It also causes the Fight or Flight Syndrome that was previously spoken about. Invariably when one person yells, then the other person responds in kind which simply escalates the argument and gets it to the point where people are out of control. Here is what the Bible says about that:

A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

So how do you keep peace with your spouse when there is anger over an issue?

The key is to keep emotion out of it. The first rule when your partner is angry about something is to SHUT-UP AND LISTEN.

You let them get everything out that is bothering them. Now the temptation here is to interrupt them and correct them over an issue that you feel like they are unjustly accusing you of. False accusations are not that abnormal as people tend to over-reach when they are angry. You wait until they are completely done before you try and correct them. The key is that you want the spouse to get out all of their frustrations. If you interrupt them, it just makes them madder. You keep quiet until they are done. Once you feel like they are done, you ask them if they are done. Sometimes, they are just taking a breath and re-grouping their thoughts. If they have more to say, listen. If it is a lot, take notes on what they are complaining about so you don’t forget or try to interrupt them to tell them you can’t remember everything that they said. Once they assure you that they are done, then you ask them if it would be okay for you to repeat back the main points of their argument so that you are sure that you understand and don’t want to forget anything. Usually they will be tickled to do that. Once you have re-stated the case, ask them if this is everything that they talked about. Once they have agreed that you have all of their points. You then go to the next step. The next step is to ask them: “in what way can I fix this and make it right? There is nothing to argue about with this point. They will usually have an idea on what you can do to make it right and they will tell you. You can then go back and correct what you feel like they unfairly accused you of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, you simply quietly state that you disagree with the point that you feel like they unjustly accused you of. Now if what they are asking for is unreasonable, you counter offer and suggest that you feel like that what they are asking for is too much but you are willing to counter offer a solution. You then can begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If you can take the anger and attacks out of the argument and make it about problem solving, it is much easier to resolve.

AVOID THE “YOU DO IT TOO” RESPONSE

You need to address the complaint of your spouse and deal with it responsibly instead of trying to say they do the same thing or something else similar. Once that the conflict is resolved to your mate’s satisfaction, then if you have complaints ask to take your turn at voicing your complaints.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

There is a good way to negotiate. You can say: “alright on a scale of 1-10 how do you rate this?” If your partner says for them it is an 8 and for you it is only a 4, you agree to give them their way. Again this is just about problem solving rather than attacking each other. You can always propose an alternative solution. In assessing the degree of the problem, you have to be honest. You can’t just claim it is a 10 all of the time. You have to honestly rate the severity of the problem as well as the spouse has to rate it honestly. Make allowances for whoever has the bigger problem. This is peaceful productive problem solving.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

There are times that you are just diametrically opposed to their proposed solution and the two of you can’t reach an agreement. You could start beating on each other emotionally or you could “agree to disagree”. There is nothing wrong with that. In this way, no one is wrong, you are both convinced that you are both right but neither party will concede. Just agree to disagree.

Flipping a Coin To Decide the Problem

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs 18:18.

When getting to a solution is imperative and neither side will budge then the only peaceful solution is to settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree and stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Mathew 5:9

Due to the sinful nature of man, we have a natural predilection to fight among ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society at large and families in particular. Will you endeavor to be a peacemaker in your own home?

And a further biblical note:

If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18

You can’t make anyone do right, but you can control how you react and what you put into the relationship. Are you doing everything that you can in your relationship to live peaceably with your spouse?

DEALING WITH A SPOUSE WHO WON’T STOP YELLING

If you are faced with a partner that yells and gets verbally abusive and won’t be calmed down and this is habitual, you have to make a change. You can’t force the person to behave appropriately. What you can do is to remove yourself form the situation. You simply go get your keys and get in the car and leave for several hours. Don’t answer your cell phone or texts from the person demanding that you come back. After several hours, you come back home and tell the person that you will talk if they are willing to talk to you without verbally abusing you and yelling at you. If they start in again, you simply leave again and stay overnight somewhere if necessary. It is not likely that you will have to do this more than 3 times and the person will realize that you are no longer going to put up with the abuse. If you don’t take a stand and make it stick, the abusive person will continue the abuse.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t call your spouse names or use insulting or demeaning language to them, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse.
7. Do not interrupt, it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme to a more appropriate meaning:

Sticks and stones can only break your bones, but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

When you can’t resolve the problems between the two of you then seek out the services of a mediator, or a relationship coach.

Or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

John Wilder


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