The Number 1# Mistake Most Wives Make

This is a great guest post found in Your Frisky online magazine for women. It completely agrees with what I have been writing on here. Read it, the marriage that you save could be your own.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

By Sarah Baron
A friend of the Anonymous8 is a single middle age woman who is petite, beautiful, and a go-getter. She has dated a lot. She is interested in a long term relationship, so she is careful who she dates. She has gone out with numerous men, and boy, did she learn something interesting from listening to them.

One night she explained that she made a major discovery about men from her new dating life. Now, we are all curious. We wondered what is it that she found out?

What she has discovered is so simple and basic and it makes so much sense that you will want to slap yourself in the forehead. Sometimes you need to hear it from the outside to see if it applies to you.
First, almost all of the men she has seen are divorcees. She explains that every one of her dates tells her the same story.

“Ladies, let me tell you what. All of these men, they say exactly the same thing to me. And you can see it in each of their eyes. They felt ignored, like their needs weren’t met, like they were last on the list. They tell me this EVERY SINGLE TIME (take your index finger and tap it with vigor on the table while reading that for emphasis), that they were put behind the kids and the friends and were not led to feel as important as other parts of their ex-wives lives. They were lonely. Each man’s story – it’s like a broken record.” And with that last thought, she lets out a sigh.

She goes on. From there, the marriages start to die. These men saw the needs of everyone else came before their needs were met. They were all lonely, and things fell apart.

Of course, this got us all thinking. Have we been doing this to our husbands? Or have our husbands been doing this to us? And it was a slap in the face, a wake up call, and a chance to readjust some of our priorities.

The moral of the story for me is that marriage needs to be at the top of the priority list. I heard it once like this – take care of yourself first (yea! like that’s real easy or achievable when you are in the trenches with kids and jobs and husbands to tend to…), your marriage second, and your kids third. Kids need a happy mom and dad, a supportive family unit, and parents who invest in each other.

31 Responses to The Number 1# Mistake Most Wives Make

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    Having been husband and father – and understanding the roles as I did/do – sure, there were times when my wife had to pay attention to the kids for some reason and it “ranked” over paying attention to me. I always thought it was an occupational hazard and, I don’t know about any other parent, but paying attention to the kids “before” each other was required and expected because of that whole nuturing, “you gotta raise these kids!” thing that gets drilled into us.

    You got kids, then it becomes a matter of finding balance more than an equal opportunity thing. It’s also that thing that makes our wives include us as one of the kids because we often require more attention that the actual children do. I know that if I needed my wife for something – and it’s not a dire emergency – and she was doing the mommy thing, okay, since it ain’t life or death, I can wait until she gets done; I’m not going anywhere that I know of. And, if it’s sex I’m waiting for, well, the hornier I get by waiting, the better the sex is going to be so, okay, go ahead baby – get that squared away and it’s on!

    And, yeah, I’ve done the same thing when I’ve had to put on my daddy suit and deal with the kids on something and, like I said, as parents, we just understood that this is the way it’s supposed to be.

    Now, where I do have a problem is that if, say, I needed to bare my soul about something – but I’m getting shunted aside because she wants to go play cards with her friends, okay, I might have something to say about that – but this is different.

    We may want our wives’ attention – we can even demand that we come first and foremost no matter what… but it’s not practical when you have children to do that; you can’t demand the full attention of someone who’s attention is divided by necessity, since local governments don’t take kindly to parents who, in essence, neglect their children for their own selfish pursuits.

    I don’t know what men the author talked to but she sure as hell didn’t ask me about it (not that she had to). My number one complaint about being husband and father was not having enough time or even “resources” to make things work as smoothly as possible.

    Or, have I been dead wrong about it and my priority should have been my relationship with my wife first and everything else after that becomes secondary concerns? What happened to the much-vaunted concept of family which, last I heard, were mom, dad, and however many kids they had and the togetherness that’s supposed to be established and all that?

    You can almost bet your sweet ass that if a man thinks his needs are being ignored, chances are good it’s really because he’s been ignoring hers and the kids are getting “blamed” for something they didn’t do, like, uh, asking to be here in the first place. Once they are here, there is an implied and expected responsibility to the kids AND the family as a whole and, really, fellas, if you can’t handle all of this, maybe you shouldn’t get married and keep your dick in your damned pants or wear a condom or something.

  2. John Wilder says:

    Can’t agree with you here. I have talked to way too many dads whose needs were ignored. In fact numerous stat sources indicate that women with kids at home keep their hubbies on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less. I always explained to my wives that sex is needed and that she needed to take care of business. That being said, I always pulled my weight when it came to housework and gave them nice foreplay like head to foot massage. But I did not take no for an answer.
    John

  3. kdaddy23 says:

    If that worked for you, fine; I’m just saying that doing things this way isn’t the de facto way to do things and people need to stop making it sound as if it is. In some cases, the only reason why a woman marries a man, other than love or sex, is because he can give her children and, if he does, then his job is done, so to speak… but I only know of maybe one situation that the deal was like this.

    Otherwise, it ain’t about just you or what you want and need; that’s probably why some men make lousy husbands and fathers because he’s busy thinking about pussy and not doing his duty as a father when he’s supposed to. It fosters that “Have my dinner on the table when I get home, bitch!” mentality that a lot of women are not buying into these days because their world DOES NOT revolve around just him when there are children involved.

    That’s taking the responsibility for raising the children and dumping it squarely on her shoulders; not only does she have to take care of your whining ass (not you specifically, John) but she’s got a kid or more to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe she’s a working mom because unless you got it like that, most homes require two incomes at best to be functional in that sense. So now, she has to deal with your whining ass, the kids and all the shit that comes with them, and the shit that comes with having to work as well.

    Only people with poor organizational and time management skills have problems with this because, really, dude, things can only be done when they can be done. That “me first” shit is the height of selfishness as well as invoking an ancient “entitlement” – no wonder a lot of women starve their men – it’s payback for treating them like they’re chattel. It assumes that she has nothing better or more important to deal with in her life than the overgrown child she’s married to – and that can’t be right… but this article – and even you – suggest that this should be so.

    It’s said that marriage is about sacrifice and compromise and it’s tough enough when it’s just the two of you; add some kids and it becomes more of the same and then some because of the responsibility you now have on top of the responsibility you started out with. Like I said, if you want all of her attention all of the time, don’t knock her up; get yourself sterilized or demand that she does or do what a lot of men do and place the emphasis on birth control directly upon her; it’s our right to sow our seeds nakedly… but it’s her fault if she allows herself to become pregnant.

    It’s bullshit, John. The whole trick to being married with kids is being able to strike a working balance, not to lord over the wife like the only reason why she exists is to serve and service you (again, not you specifically). Everyone is quick to blame women for starving her husband if there are kids involved… but who the hell knocked her up to begin with? Who created this supposedly horrible and terrible environment of husband-neglect in the first place? You gonna keep blaming the woman… or are you gonna man up and accept your complicity and duplicity in any of this?

    And if you do own up to being the source of this whole problem, then it’s simply a matter of dealing with the consequences of your actions, isn’t it? You want her all to yourself? Marry a woman who doesn’t want kids… or otherwise doesn’t want to have a life outside of being an indentured sex slave.

    You mention pulling your weight and all I’m saying is that the weight can be heavier than you want it to be and, yeah, sometimes, pulling your weight means having to take a back seat when the needs of your children are at hand… unless you’re really gonna pull that weight and take an active hand in raising them instead of leaving it up to the wife to handle.

    It’s why wives/mothers get bent out of shape when a man says something about the time she spends with the kids because that guy has no idea what it takes to raise and nurture them – which is why they balk and get all pissed off when she says, “What, you think this shit is easy? YOU do it!”

    And most men won’t… because they can’t. Then the only thing they can do is start whining about what she’s supposed to be doing for him, which is akin to saying, “Fuck the kids!” and I don’t know how you or anyone else was raised by I was raised to never behave like that.

    You don’t agree with me on this one and I sure as hell don’t agree with you on it; it’s a patently stupid way to behave and one that can have more dangerous consequences other than a “ruined” marriage because since you demand she pay attention to you first and foremost, that kid you knocked her up with grows up to become a rapist, a pedophile, bank robber, murderer, or anything else undesirable by societal standards and all because you were more worried about getting your rocks off than the higher responsibility of raising your children the best way you can.

    Unless you’re gonna tell me that’s not important?

  4. John Wilder says:

    Yes there are neanderthal guys out there but most guys are decent. It is all about attitude. A whole lot of women’s attitude sucks. Because of that a lot of couples break up and then she has to carry the whole load alone instead of sharing it.

    John

  5. Steph says:

    John,
    I see your perspective but, I completely agree with kdaddy23. I am a 36 year old woman, married for 7 years with a 4 year old son. I am not the usual wife you speak of. In fact many of my female friends are not how you describe us. I believe your description is based on the women you counsel and/or the men and their perspective.

    I enjoy sex with my husband and I enjoy it a lot! It is all too often that we, as parents, do put the needs of each other aside to tend to the children. We do come together at some point (maybe not when we wanted) and it’s wonderful. I am often left wanting more companionship from my husband than he wants from me. Women’s attitudes suck because the woman is already carrying the load and not getting any help. So they become resentful and negative. Men who help with the load of child rearing reap the benefits of a happier wife and a better sex life. I would say communication is also the key to a better relationship between husband & wife.

    Not taking no for an answer from your wife seems a little abrasive to me. Demanding, instead of nurturing and loving.

    Men do feel ignored and women do too. I agree. I will also add that when my husband is feeling randy the last thing I want is a grab at my breasts from behind. Being groped is not flattering. It’s not flattering because it feels like that’s all he wants. The approach is about making the wife “feel” wanted and not just for sex but, for love and companionship and because he desires her. Not because he has needs that need to be met. We all have that.

    I suspect that kdaddy23 has a wonderful relationship with his wife and they are both happy in their relationship and sex life. Good for you kdaddy23!

    John, can we agree to disagree with this? You may have lived it but, now I am living it and this is the way it is. Maybe taking a new approach in your thought process or a couple classes updating you in the relationships of today will help.

    • Hey Steph
      I am all for whatever works for you. I am not trying to give a one size fits all description. I also feel your pain about men not carrying their load at home and understand that women get resentful. This is why I help men see that they need to step up and divide the labor equally, especially if the wife works.

      Having said that I ALWAYS did more than my fair share at home and expected to get laid and rarely had a problem with that precisely because I did a lot of housework in addition to most of the cooking. I also give great foreplay starting with a head to foot massage. So you can critique me all you want to but the bible says that both the husband and the wife are required to take care of each other’s sexual needs in I Cor 7.

      As for the groping from behind, they actually enjoyed it because I also nibbled on the back of their neck. If it is a turn off for you then again what ever works for you is what I am for. One thing that I realize all too well is that all women are different and different things turn them on, that there is truly no one size fits all.

      Blessings on you and yours
      John

    • Hey Steph
      Obviously you are in the 40% of women who don’t routinely starve their husbands I applaud you for it. I wish that all women were that way.
      John

  6. Hey Steph
    One other thing, I publish all critiques just as I have yours. If you note on the about marriagecoach and all the comments I get roughly 1,000 positive comments to one negative comment by both men and women so I must be doing something right. In addition, I offer an unheard of in the counseling indsutry a money back gaurantee. To date no one has ever asked for their money back.

    John

  7. kdaddy23 says:

    Hey, Steph, John has this “ideal” model in his head and one based on principles that I find questionable and antiquated – but I understand where he’s coming from and what his mission is. I do have a wonderful relationship with my wife because we understand this whole thing is about us and not based on individual needs; if we rolled like that, we’d be horribly unhappy with each other – and that defeats the purpose of being together.

    You just gotta be in touch with each other about these things and more so when you have kids. Even though we didn’t have children with each other, together, we have six of them, all grown and with families of their own… and there are still times when she has to deal with one of them and, yep, I just gotta wait my turn… and I can wait because instead of getting all jacked-up in the head about it, I know when it’s my turn, boy, am I gonna lay it on her good!

    I don’t have to remind my wife that I’m a man – she knows this just as well as I know she’s a woman and we both understand the dynamic here, like what might be important to me might not be seen that way by her… but then it’s my responsibility to enlighten her and, at the best, reach a workable compromise with her… because it’s the way that makes sense. Maybe she doesn’t agree with the level of importance of the thing; doesn’t mean I’m going bust her ass for not agreeing with me and does nothing to change the fact that I thought it was important – then it’s just a matter of me dealing with whatever it is.

    If it’s sex, well, I understand women well enough to know what the deal is with women in this and I do sure as hell understand this particular woman – not even close to being the same thing. Like it or not, it’s a reality and one that I feel has to be dealt with intelligently and not whip out the bible and start beating her ass with it because if she does give it to me when maybe she’s not feeling it, the sex isn’t going to be good because now it’s about obligation and duty more than it is about desire – and that just sucks.

  8. kdaddy23 says:

    By the way, John, it’s not really about a guy doing his fair share; it plays into things (1) as a matter of responsibility and (2) it can take the weight and stress off a woman… but that’s not all there is to this. Women are weird: They want to be wanted like this… and they can’t stand that we want them like this. It’s the thing that makes Steph not like being groped because it sends the wrong message… even if it’s sending the “I want you baby!” message that women also need to receive. And, Steph’s view of this is the way a lot of women feel because when we do this, it says that it’s about us and not what’s on the woman’s mind at that point in time.

    You gotta be sensitive to this, which is why I tend to shove back at you when your blogs and some of your guest bloggers try to circumvent a woman’s choice in this matter and shove the fact that it’s her duty all in her face.

    Most men want sex all the time; most women have to be induced to have it and trying to make her get up off the booty when she ain’t feeling it causes problems; we feel the coochie is ours by divine right and women don’t have a choice in the matter because it’s not about her desire in this – it’s about her supposed duty to fuck us whenever we want her to and with zero excuses for not doing it on demand.

    You do know how women feel about this, right? Now, you’ve spoken to this by way of what men should do to get it right with women – and this is usually some good stuff… except if girlfriend has it in her mind that she doesn’t want to do it for any reason, there’s nothing you’re going to do short of taking it from her that’s going to make her change her mind… and they lock men up for doing that these days and especially husbands.

    The bible says what it says about this; the law of the land, however, says something entirely different. Yeah, she’s your wife and, biblically and even morally, she has a duty to spread her legs for you… but the law says she doesn’t have to and you can’t make her do it… and about all you can do is get mad about it, leave her, or go find someone else willing to do your bidding at the drop of a hat.

    I’ve said to you that stepping to a woman and reading her the riot act about her duty and obligation to have sex with you is about the biggest mistake a man can make and the #1 mistake husbands make is thinking that their wives are something they own and, thus, can do with as they please, whenever they please.

    You and I don’t agree on this and I’m good with that and more so because even though you won’t admit it – and you sure as hell don’t have to – you know I’m right about this… and it’s one of the reasons why you have clients and your money-back guarantee, huh? If women did this stuff the way “they’re supposed to,” you’d be out of a job right along with everyone else who does what you do.

    Theory is nice; reality is a real motherfucker…

  9. Hey Rob
    I full well understand that a woman has a right to say no and that is the law. I never advocate that a guy takes it from her.

    I have always had a clear understanding up front with the women that I have had sex with that I expect it freely and lovingly given and if they are not up for thta I am not entering a relationship with them. If she goes back on her word then she deserves to get dumped. That was never ever my problem.

    I realize that all I have is the power of persuasion and I do my best to persuade women that they need to do right if they want the relationship to go well. Denying men’s needs is always a problem for the relationship and I tell them that clearly. Usually it is the guy who is lousy in bed that she does not want to do the nasty with him and for that I can’t blame her. I always tell guys to grow up and make love to a woman like a man instead of being stuck in adolexcent sexuality. Then I give them tips on how to do it better. I am good enough that women never had a problmm giving it to me becuase I ALWYS SEE TO HER NEEDS FIRST and last.

    John

  10. And the same message that I sent to Steph I send to you Rob. Read all of my compliments on my blog. I have had well over 40,000 page views in the little over a year my blog has been active and I can count on two hands the complaints that I have recieved in 40,000 page view and several thousand commments a lot of which I erase as spammers.
    John

  11. kdaddy23 says:

    I have read them and your numbers, all impressive. I, however, reserve the right to disagree with you just as you do with me – remember that political ranting we did a while back? I have the audacity and, I think, the experience to fuss with you about this and, in this, I beg to differ – get over it, my friend, ’cause it won’t be the last time! Touting your stats to me is preaching to the choir.

    • Hey Rob
      I of course expect you to give me shit. I would not have it any other way. We are the Ying and Yang if you will of sex. I don’t expect to change your mind and you really don’t expect to change mine, just give me a ration of shit. Ha ha
      John

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