A New Milestone

March 17, 2012

I just went over 80,000 page views. Yea Me. With WordPress new stats page I can now follow how
many countries are tuned into my blog. Would you believe that I have readers in over 101 countries.

I started this blog to help people with their personal lives, their marriages and most importantly their sex lives.
My comments have been overwhelmingly positive on here and I thank all the readers and commenters for your input.
One wonders if there is anybody out there actually reading your advice.

My number one detractors have been women for whom I have held accountable in their role with their men.
This is not surprising as the number one complaint that I get in my practice of marriage, relationship and
sexual coaching is that women don’t make it safe for men to tell them the truth if it has anything at all
to do with critiquing the woman. Women invariably will go all defensive, yell, scream, call him names
and/or cry with the goal of teaching that no good man to never do it again. What they do is kill their
own relationships. They ALWAYS reserve the right to critique husband but does not believe in the husbands
EQUAL RIGHTS to critique her.

If you force someone to shut up and keep their feelings to themselves like that you are in the process
of killing your own marriage or relationship. They will withdraw away from you and eventually the relationship
will fail.

Women you need to be able to listen to your man’s complaints about you and instead of going all postal on him you
need to ask him: “in what ways can I resolve this or make this better for you?” and then listen and follow his ideas
as much as possible. The relationship that you save can be your own. This is doubly important if you have
kids at home. Kids in a single parent family have the odds staggeringly negative against them. Most of the
problems in our country can be directly or indirectly traced to single parent families.

I am open to critique on this milestone. I am also open to guest posts on here. So feel free to drop me a note
in the comments section or drop me a line at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com. Also if you are having marriage, relationship
or sexual problems I will be only too happy to help you. I give an unheard of in the industry money back
gurantee.

blessings on you and yours
John Wilder


Measure Your Life Against These Standards To Make It Better

January 18, 2012

This is a reblog of a great post that was reblogged on somneone else’s post. Read it, is profound and life changing.
Enjoy and blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

Marc and Angel Hack Life
Practical Tips for Productive Living
blogarchiveaboutrssthought questionsmakes me thinkJanuary 15th, 2012 @ 1:28 pm by: Marc
101 Simple Truths We Often Forget

It‘s not where we stand but in what direction we are moving.

Sometimes we find ourselves running in place, struggling to get ahead simply because we forget to address some of the simple truths that govern our potential to make progress. So here’s a quick reminder:

1.The acquisition of knowledge doesn’t mean you’re growing. Growing happens when what you know changes how you live.
2.You can’t have good ideas unless you’re willing to generate a lot of bad ones.
3.A good idea without action is worth nothing.
4.Change is often resisted when it is needed the most.
5.Discipline is choosing what you want most over what you want right now. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
6.People seldom do things to the best of their ability. They do things to the best of their willingness.
7.You can’t change other people; you can only offer guidance, and lead by example.
8.Right now, there’s a lot you don’t know. And if you never challenge your own beliefs, the list will never shrink.
9.If you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, you may be talking to someone who knows way more about the topic of conversation than you do.
10.The most common and harmful addiction in the world is the draw of comfort.
11.Growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. Stepping outside of your comfort zone will put things into perspective from an angle you can’t grasp now.
12.When you spend time worrying, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want.
13.It’s usually only as good or bad as you think it is. Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see.
14.Most of the bad things you worry about will never happen. Most of the bad things that do happen will have never have crossed your worried mind.
15.Some circumstances are uncontrollable, but we can always decide how we react to those circumstances.
16.Those who complain the most, accomplish the least.
17.Whenever somebody discredits you, and tells you that you can’t do something, keep in mind that they are speaking from within the boundaries of their own limitations.
18.Every problem you have in your life right now is your responsibility, regardless of who initially caused it.
19.It’s not so much about finding opportunities as it is about creating them.
20.Having a plan, even a flawed one at first, is better than no plan at all.
21.Paving your own road is intelligent only if nobody has gone exactly where you are going.
22.What you do every day matters more than what you do every once in a while.
23.What you don’t start today won’t be finished by tomorrow.
24.If you’re waiting for the perfect conditions, ideas or plans to get started, you’ll never achieve anything.
25.Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.
26.Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
27.You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
28.If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
29.The harder you work, the luckier you will become.
30.Kindness and hard work together will always carry you farther than intelligence.
31.Lots of successful people have failed as many times as they have succeeded.
32.Failures are simply lessons that help you prepare for next time.
33.Being successful is a journey, not a destination.
34.To be successful does not mean you have to dominate others; it means you have to dominate your own potential.
35.Your success isn’t just about you. It’s about how you positively impact the lives around you.
36.Being busy and being productive are two different things.
37.Being happy and being successful are two different things.
38.You have every right to be happy, but it’s up to YOU and only YOU to exercise that right. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
39.Everyone you meet is better than you at something. We all have different strengths. What worked for someone else might not work for you.
40.When you’re worried about what others think of you, you’re really just worried about what you think of yourself.
41.The bad news: nothing is permanent. The good news: nothing is permanent.
42.You don’t have to settle. It’s simply a choice you make every day. If you don’t like your life, then it’s time to start making changes and better choices.
43.There’s no such thing as ‘risk free.’ Everything you do or don’t do has an inherent risk.
44.No matter how smart you are, you will make mistakes.
45.Problems, when they arise, are rarely as painful and hurtful as the process of fearing them.
46.Confusion isn’t a bad thing. It means you’re growing and thinking.
47.Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
48.In the beginning, you need to say “yes” to a lot of things to discover and establish your goals. Later on, you need to say “no” to a lot of things and concentrate on your goals.
49.Even if it doesn’t cost any money, it’s not free if it takes up your time.
50.No matter how you make a living or who you think you work for, you only work for one person, yourself. The big question is: What are you selling, and to whom?
51.Money makes life easier only when it’s yours free and clear. The stress of financial debt can change a person.
52.The fewer possessions you own, the more you will use and enjoy them.
53.Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.
54.There is good reason why you should wake each morning and mindfully consider what and who you will give your day to: Because unlike other things in life – love, money, respect, good health, hope, opportunities, and many more – time is the one thing you can never get back once it’s gone.
55.Cutting your losses is often better than the alternative.
56.We sometimes do things that are permanently foolish just because we are temporarily upset.
57.Screaming at people always makes things worse.
58.Everyone likes a person who gets straight to the point.
59.First impressions are oftentimes inaccurate judgments of a person’s true character.
60.When you’re up, your friends know who you are. When you’re down, you know who your friends are.
61.If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.
62.When someone truly loves you, they don’t ever have to say a word. You will be able to tell simply by the way they treat you over the long-term.
63.We rarely lose friends, we usually just figure out who our real ones are.
64.Just because one person doesn’t seem to care for you, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who does.
65.Family isn’t always blood. They’re the people in your life who want you in theirs – the ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.
66.Good looks attracts the eyes. Personality attracts the heart.
67.In human relationships, distance is not measured in miles but in affection. Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart.
68.Being nice to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions.
69.If you aren’t happy being single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. You have to create your own life first before you can share it with someone else.
70.Whenever you hate someone or something, you are giving that person or thing a piece of your heart. Read The Road Less Traveled.
71.Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.
72.It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.
73.Saying “no” to right people gives you the time and resources required to say “yes” to right opportunities.
74.When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
75.You can raise the bar or you can wait for others to raise it. Either way, it’s getting raised.
76.In life you get what you put in. If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It really is this simple.
77.Cynicism might seem warranted at times, but it’s never useful.
78.Everyone dies, some sooner than later, and often unexpectedly. To know this means you are alive, with a chance to make the time you have left count.
79.You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be.
80.Trying to be somebody you’re not is a sure path to self-hate, and a waste of the person you are.
81.It’s better to be disliked for who you are than to be liked for who you are not.
82.Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go.
83.Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
84.You can’t make the same exact mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.
85.Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
86.You never have to deal with more than one moment at a time.
87.Many of the greatest lessons we learn in life we don’t seek on purpose.
88.You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.
89.A harsh fact of life: Bad things do happen to good people.
90.Regardless of the situation, the sun rises the next day and life goes on.
91.You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
92.We end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
93.We meet no ordinary people in our lives. If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer.
94.Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.
95.People are not as beautiful as they look, as they walk, or as they talk. They are only as beautiful as they love, as they care, and as they share.
96.Silence is often the loudest cry. So pay attention to those you care about.
97.Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world.
98.Blowing out another’s candle will not make yours shine brighter.
99.No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.
100.Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.
101.Life is short. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.


20 Things Girls Want Guys To Know

May 7, 2011

20 Things Girls Want Guys To Know
This is from Rebecca Dawns blog. I thought I would take a little break from the serious issues on here and bring a light hearted post for your reading pleasure. For us guys, many times women are a mystery to us wrapped up in an enigma overlaid in a conundrum. Here are some inside tips for your guidance straight from a girls brain.
I welcome all comments. Here is the link to her blog.

http://obsidianprey.wordpress.com/2011/05/07/20-things/

1. We love when you cuddle with us.
2. A kiss on the cheek is a definite yes.
3. We want you to put your arm around us in the movies.
4. We don’t care if you are the strongest guy in the world.
5. Size does not matter so don’t tell us.
6. We don’t always look our best so get over it.
7. We should not have to plan everything, we like it when you take the lead
8. We are always ready to talk so call us.
9. We are not perfect so deal with it.
10. We love surprises.
11. The little things you do for us means the most.
12. We are not always girly girls.
13. We can like your boy stuff too.
14. Cursing and fighting does not impress us.
15. Don’t be mean to us to get our attention.
16. Don’t tell us who is hot because we don’t care.
17. We can tell when you are not listening so listen up.
18. When we say we are cold, that is your invitation to come closer.
19. Hugs mean more sometimes.
20. We need your advice sometimes so don’t be afraid to give it to us.


A Great Guest Post from Project Happily Ever After

July 9, 2010

I want to bring to you today another great guest post from a blog that I am subscribed to called Project Happily Ever After. It is entitled compassion.

Here is the link to the post;http://us.mc1128.mail.yahoo.com/mc/welcome?.gx=1&.tm=1278680759&.rand=0n1

Many of you experienced the power of compassion yesterday. You read that I was conflicted about this series. You wanted me to feel good about myself. You filled my inbox with encouraging emails and you filled yesterday’s post with encouraging comments.

Every single time I read one of your emails or comments, I smiled and I felt dang good.

But here’s the much more beautiful part of it all: I’m guessing nearly all of you felt dang good, too.

That’s the beauty of compassion. It spreads happiness.

Compassion brings happiness to you by lifting you out of a self-absorbed misery. And it spreads happiness to the object of your compassion, too. It’s completely circular and heart warming and beautiful.

And now I’m worried that I’m sounding like a flower child who has just smoked a joint and is considering skipping through a meadow filled with buttercups. Do I?

No matter. I’ll just keep writing.

Misery is Self Inflicted
My Dharma teacher tells me that anger, sadness and nearly every other negative emotion stems from one root cause: self absorption. Whenever we feel these emotions, our thoughts are dominated by the following pronouns: me, mine, myself, and I.

Anger = I’m not getting my way.

Envy and jealousy = I want that and they/you won’t give it to me! That should be mine.
Depression = Nobody loves me. Nobody appreciates me. Nobody gets me. Nobody gives me the love I want.

Frustration and Anxiety = I am uncomfortable. I’m afraid that I’m going to be uncomfortable.

Fear = I don’t want that to happen to me.

Most of us don’t like to think of ourselves as self-absorbed. At least I don’t. But if you pay attention to your negative mood states, you will find that they generally stem from an inner absorption. They are all about me, myself and mine.

Happiness, on the other hand, comes from outer-absorption. It comes from shifting the focus from “me” to “you.”

Here’s an example. A few days ago, I opened my credit card bill and found that we were still $10,000 in debt. I was frustrated, scared, and anxious. It seemed no matter how hard I tried to cut back expenses and pay down the debt, I couldn’t make much headway.

To take my mind off things, I watched God Grew Tired Of Us, which is a documentary about Sudanese Lost Boys. Let me tell you: if you ever need to put the small problem of a maxed out credit card into perspective, watch this film. By the end, I wasn’t thinking about debt or money. I was thinking about these poor lost boys and about how I could help them.

I’d broken out of the “me” obsession and I had shifted into a “you” mode.

That’s compassion, and that’s exactly what many of you experienced yesterday. You probably came to this blog in “me” mode, feeling sad or angry about something going on in your marriage. Then you read my post and you shifted into “you” mode. Then, at least for a few minutes, I’m guessing that your negativity completely vanished.

But Does Everyone Really Deserve It?
It’s easy to spread happiness to the people we love and feel good about.

It’s not so easy to spread happiness to, well, you know. Certain. People. Who. Shall. Not. Be. Named. (The first person who guesses what book/film I’m alluding to here gets a free signed copy of Queen of Your Own Life.)

But, let me tell you something: it’s downright freeing when you can get yourself to treat People Who Shall Not Be Named with compassion. Here are some strategies that have helped me, some of which I learned from my class and some of which I just made up:

Remind yourself that you, at times, are a Person Who Must Not Be Named to someone else. You probably don’t intentionally set out to be this person in someone else’s world, but it happens. And you are not a 100 percent bad person. (I would argue that you are not a bad person at all). You’re just human, and humans have a tendency to irritate other humans. Assume that the person you find hard to love is just a hapless human who is not intentionally causing you discomfort.

See it as a challenge. Can you be the person who somehow manages to make Ebenezer smile?

See it as a gift. Perhaps this difficult person has been sent to you just so you can grow in your compassion and become a happier person.

Have some pity. It’s the same negativity (anger, sadness, envy, etc) that you are trying to shed that tends to cause most people to behave in less than admirable ways. The most difficult people among us are boiling alive in their own self-created hell pots. The poor things. Being able to see the suffering of others is usually the first step in finding the ability to offer them your compassion and love.

Contemplate the unknown. Could this person really be a divine being (choose your own divine being from your personal religious practice) in disguise?

Create your own reality. You can choose to think whatever you want about whomever you want. You can choose to believe, for instance, that certain people are evil and unlovable. Or you can choose to believe that they deserve the benefit of the doubt. How you perceive other people and the world at large is your choice.

Visualize it. Each morning I bring anyone I find hard to love to mind, and I mentally wish these folks happiness. When I see such people face to face, it’s a lot easier for me to smile and treat them with compassion.

Trust the process. Even if you just can’t bring yourself to see someone as a person who deserves love, then just remind yourself that acting compassionately will help you to feel better, regardless of how it affects the other person. Spreading your compassion is both the most selfish and most selfless thing you can do, because it helps you and it helps the other person.

But What If …?
So I’m sure you’ve got a scenario in your mind—some sort of hypothetical situation that just blows this whole compassion theory to smithereens.

For instance, the first time I heard about it, I thought, “But what if I’m standing face to face with a serial killer and the serial killer says he wants to eat me for dinner, because eating me for dinner would make him very happy? Am I supposed to let him do it in the name of bringing happiness to others?”

The answer: No, I don’t allow him to eat me, but I teach him how to meditate. Or I show him this post. Or I tell him that I love him, and then I run for my life.

Anyway, the point is this: compassion is not the same thing as enabling. In fact, it’s the opposite. The idea that happiness comes from possessions—new cars, new purses, new houses, etc—is a delusion. The idea that happiness comes from having other people in our lives (ie. “I’ll be happy once he loves me” and “I’ll be happy once she’s my girlfriend”) is a delusion. The idea that happiness comes from achievements or job titles or making the bestseller list or eating a human being for dinner is a delusion.

Sure, some of those things might generate some fleeting pleasure. But nearly all of them—as my teacher likes to say—are like licking honey off a sharp knife. They are sweet, and then they hurt like hell. That’s not happiness.

Happiness is in the letting go. It’s found in the acceptance of suffering. It’s found in humility, patience and love.

It’s about spreading happiness to others. It’s not greedy. It’s not about me. It’s about you, and about how I can help you feel happy today, tomorrow and forever.

You can spread happiness to others in a myriad of very simple ways. It happens when you walk into a room with the belief that every single person in that room deserves to be happy just as much as you do. It happens when you call your mother out of the blue, just to make her feel loved. It happens when you kiss a child’s boo boo.

And when it happens, it feels good, and it feels good for a long, long time. It’s not bitter sweet. It’s just sweet. It’s not licking honey off a knife. It’s licking honey off a spoon.

It’s warm and it’s gooey and it’s light and it’s so powerful that it makes you cry.


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