Measure Your Life Against These Standards To Make It Better

January 18, 2012

This is a reblog of a great post that was reblogged on somneone else’s post. Read it, is profound and life changing.
Enjoy and blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

Marc and Angel Hack Life
Practical Tips for Productive Living
blogarchiveaboutrssthought questionsmakes me thinkJanuary 15th, 2012 @ 1:28 pm by: Marc
101 Simple Truths We Often Forget

It‘s not where we stand but in what direction we are moving.

Sometimes we find ourselves running in place, struggling to get ahead simply because we forget to address some of the simple truths that govern our potential to make progress. So here’s a quick reminder:

1.The acquisition of knowledge doesn’t mean you’re growing. Growing happens when what you know changes how you live.
2.You can’t have good ideas unless you’re willing to generate a lot of bad ones.
3.A good idea without action is worth nothing.
4.Change is often resisted when it is needed the most.
5.Discipline is choosing what you want most over what you want right now. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
6.People seldom do things to the best of their ability. They do things to the best of their willingness.
7.You can’t change other people; you can only offer guidance, and lead by example.
8.Right now, there’s a lot you don’t know. And if you never challenge your own beliefs, the list will never shrink.
9.If you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, you may be talking to someone who knows way more about the topic of conversation than you do.
10.The most common and harmful addiction in the world is the draw of comfort.
11.Growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. Stepping outside of your comfort zone will put things into perspective from an angle you can’t grasp now.
12.When you spend time worrying, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want.
13.It’s usually only as good or bad as you think it is. Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see.
14.Most of the bad things you worry about will never happen. Most of the bad things that do happen will have never have crossed your worried mind.
15.Some circumstances are uncontrollable, but we can always decide how we react to those circumstances.
16.Those who complain the most, accomplish the least.
17.Whenever somebody discredits you, and tells you that you can’t do something, keep in mind that they are speaking from within the boundaries of their own limitations.
18.Every problem you have in your life right now is your responsibility, regardless of who initially caused it.
19.It’s not so much about finding opportunities as it is about creating them.
20.Having a plan, even a flawed one at first, is better than no plan at all.
21.Paving your own road is intelligent only if nobody has gone exactly where you are going.
22.What you do every day matters more than what you do every once in a while.
23.What you don’t start today won’t be finished by tomorrow.
24.If you’re waiting for the perfect conditions, ideas or plans to get started, you’ll never achieve anything.
25.Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.
26.Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
27.You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
28.If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
29.The harder you work, the luckier you will become.
30.Kindness and hard work together will always carry you farther than intelligence.
31.Lots of successful people have failed as many times as they have succeeded.
32.Failures are simply lessons that help you prepare for next time.
33.Being successful is a journey, not a destination.
34.To be successful does not mean you have to dominate others; it means you have to dominate your own potential.
35.Your success isn’t just about you. It’s about how you positively impact the lives around you.
36.Being busy and being productive are two different things.
37.Being happy and being successful are two different things.
38.You have every right to be happy, but it’s up to YOU and only YOU to exercise that right. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
39.Everyone you meet is better than you at something. We all have different strengths. What worked for someone else might not work for you.
40.When you’re worried about what others think of you, you’re really just worried about what you think of yourself.
41.The bad news: nothing is permanent. The good news: nothing is permanent.
42.You don’t have to settle. It’s simply a choice you make every day. If you don’t like your life, then it’s time to start making changes and better choices.
43.There’s no such thing as ‘risk free.’ Everything you do or don’t do has an inherent risk.
44.No matter how smart you are, you will make mistakes.
45.Problems, when they arise, are rarely as painful and hurtful as the process of fearing them.
46.Confusion isn’t a bad thing. It means you’re growing and thinking.
47.Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
48.In the beginning, you need to say “yes” to a lot of things to discover and establish your goals. Later on, you need to say “no” to a lot of things and concentrate on your goals.
49.Even if it doesn’t cost any money, it’s not free if it takes up your time.
50.No matter how you make a living or who you think you work for, you only work for one person, yourself. The big question is: What are you selling, and to whom?
51.Money makes life easier only when it’s yours free and clear. The stress of financial debt can change a person.
52.The fewer possessions you own, the more you will use and enjoy them.
53.Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.
54.There is good reason why you should wake each morning and mindfully consider what and who you will give your day to: Because unlike other things in life – love, money, respect, good health, hope, opportunities, and many more – time is the one thing you can never get back once it’s gone.
55.Cutting your losses is often better than the alternative.
56.We sometimes do things that are permanently foolish just because we are temporarily upset.
57.Screaming at people always makes things worse.
58.Everyone likes a person who gets straight to the point.
59.First impressions are oftentimes inaccurate judgments of a person’s true character.
60.When you’re up, your friends know who you are. When you’re down, you know who your friends are.
61.If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.
62.When someone truly loves you, they don’t ever have to say a word. You will be able to tell simply by the way they treat you over the long-term.
63.We rarely lose friends, we usually just figure out who our real ones are.
64.Just because one person doesn’t seem to care for you, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who does.
65.Family isn’t always blood. They’re the people in your life who want you in theirs – the ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.
66.Good looks attracts the eyes. Personality attracts the heart.
67.In human relationships, distance is not measured in miles but in affection. Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart.
68.Being nice to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions.
69.If you aren’t happy being single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. You have to create your own life first before you can share it with someone else.
70.Whenever you hate someone or something, you are giving that person or thing a piece of your heart. Read The Road Less Traveled.
71.Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.
72.It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.
73.Saying “no” to right people gives you the time and resources required to say “yes” to right opportunities.
74.When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
75.You can raise the bar or you can wait for others to raise it. Either way, it’s getting raised.
76.In life you get what you put in. If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It really is this simple.
77.Cynicism might seem warranted at times, but it’s never useful.
78.Everyone dies, some sooner than later, and often unexpectedly. To know this means you are alive, with a chance to make the time you have left count.
79.You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be.
80.Trying to be somebody you’re not is a sure path to self-hate, and a waste of the person you are.
81.It’s better to be disliked for who you are than to be liked for who you are not.
82.Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go.
83.Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
84.You can’t make the same exact mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.
85.Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
86.You never have to deal with more than one moment at a time.
87.Many of the greatest lessons we learn in life we don’t seek on purpose.
88.You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.
89.A harsh fact of life: Bad things do happen to good people.
90.Regardless of the situation, the sun rises the next day and life goes on.
91.You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
92.We end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
93.We meet no ordinary people in our lives. If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer.
94.Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.
95.People are not as beautiful as they look, as they walk, or as they talk. They are only as beautiful as they love, as they care, and as they share.
96.Silence is often the loudest cry. So pay attention to those you care about.
97.Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world.
98.Blowing out another’s candle will not make yours shine brighter.
99.No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.
100.Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.
101.Life is short. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.


How To Confront Someone As Explained in The Bible

December 5, 2011

There is a right way and a wrong way to rebuke anyone but especially a fellow
Christian.

Finally, be you all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brothers, be pitiful, courteous
Not rendering evil for evil or railing for railing: but contrariwise, blessing; knowing that you are
thereunto called, that you should inherit a blessing. I Peter 3:8-9

Many people become very prideful and arrogant. Here is what the bible says about that:

Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.
The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God I thank you that I am not as
other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers and even as this publican. I fast twice
in a week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not life up so
much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote his breast saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.
I tell you , this man went down to his house justified rather than the other, For every one who exalts himself
shall be abased, and he that humbles himself shall be exalted. Luke 18:10-14

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Better is it to be of a humble
spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud. Proverbs 16-18-19

Here is what the Bible commands for us to live together in peace:

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem each
other better than themselves. Look not every man (woman) on his own things but every man
also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.
Phillipians 2:3-5

Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men
of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits. Recompense no man evil for evil.
Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lies in you,
live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place
unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine and I will repay says the Lord. Romans
12:16-19

Be not overcome with evil but overcome evil with good.
Romans 16:21

Brethern if a man be overtaken in a fault, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in the
spirit in the spirit of meekness; considering yourself, let you also be tempted. Bear you one
anothers burdens and so fulfill the Law of Christ. For if a man thinks himself to be
something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Galatians 6:1-4

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good
to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve
not the Holy Spirit of God, wherebye you were sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking, be put away
from you, with all malice. And be you kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one
another, even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:29-32

Speak not evil of one another brethern. He that speaks evil of his brother and judges
his brother, speaks evil of the Law and judges the law: but if you judge the law, you are not
a doer of the law, but a judge. There is one lawgiver who is able to save and to destroy;
who are you to judge another? James 4:11-12

Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasts great things. Behold, how great a
matter a little fire kindles. And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members,
that it defiles the whole body and sets on fire the course of nature and it is set on fire of hell
James 3:5-6

Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? Let him show out of a good conversation
his works with meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not and lie
not against the truth. This wisdom descends not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. For where there is envying and strife, there is confusion and every evil work. But the wisdom from above
is first pure, then peaceable , gentle and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without
hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace. James 3:13-18

He who hates his brother is a murderer: and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him I John 3:15


The Holy Grail, How To Stop Fighting with your Spouse and Relatives

September 1, 2011

This blog post was reposted on the Spiraturally Raw Website and thanks to April for posting it.
John Wilder

All Blog PostsMy BlogAddTHE HOLY GRAIL! How To STOP FIGHTING With Your Spouse or Relatives & Conflict RESOLUTION SKILLS!!! Posted by April Villarose-Matta on September 1, 2011 at 1:00pm
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How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse or Relatives, Good Conflict Resolution Skills

Nothing kills your sex life and hurts your relationship like fighting. It is imperative for the health and continuation of your relationship to learn to resolve conflict peacefully. I always tell my relationship and sexual coaching clients to go home and rent two movies and study them: THE BREAKUP and WAR OF THE ROSES. It is another example of art illustrating and imitating life. Now there is no such thing as a couple who are going to agree on everything.

The key to a good relationship is being able to resolve those differences without hurting each other and inflicting damage on the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is one of the keys to having a good relationship and great sex life.

QUESTION: Are you combative or collaborative?

Do you want to win the fight or resolve the problem?

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR PARTNER!

Ask, “In what way can we solve this problem?”

When you attack your spouse, they tend to want to counter attack which only escalates the problem. Instead of accusing your partner, Make the problem and its solution mutual rather than a contest and argument.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage from the Bible is obvious and requires no interpretation. It is a simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason for this should be obvious. You know when you and your spouse are fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses and damages the relationship. There is another reason: your children sense the tenseness or worse yet see you fighting. It scares them and they have no way to resolve it, make it better or the ability to get away from it. This is literally torture for your children. It upsets their digestion, their sleep, and their emotional well being. Fighting in front of children is never okay. If you really need to have a fight, find a way to get the children somewhere else where they don’t witness it.

There is a syndrome called Fight or Flight Syndrome. This is a coping system in people and animals. Men tend to feel it more profoundly because of the testosterone in their systems and because nature gives them a strong “protector instinct”. What happens when you feel stressed and threatened, the body releases massive amounts of adrenaline in your body. The purpose of this adrenaline is a simple survival mechanism. The idea is that you can use the adrenaline to run away from your opponent or predator faster than they can chase you and catch you. The other option is that you have so much adrenaline in you that you are able to successfully fight off an enemy or predator. The body is designed to be releasing and dissipating this adrenaline by either fighting or fleeing in a very short period of time. When you do neither, it creates a tremendous amount of stress in you that is not good for the body. It is internalized. Imagine having the need to urinate or sneeze and you can’t do it and you are stuck. It is a miserable feeling. In fact this kind of unrelieved stress is one of the main causes of heart disease and heart attack. When you internalize this stress rather than venting it through fighting or fleeing, you do a lot damage to the body and the relationship. Many times violence can ensue especially with men. This is why the Bible is so clear and unequivocal about resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back that notion up:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother (friend, wife, husband, other relative) has anything against you; Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words it is so important to resolve the problem immediately because of how an argument can fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that you leave church in the middle of the service to go and reconcile the problem.

LOSE YOUR TEMPER

People will often say that they lost their temper. In fact, they used their temper. Couples often use anger to control and manipulate each other, usually one is stronger than the other and bullies their partner with their anger. Men because of their superior strength tend to use that strength to bully the wife and sometimes hit the wife. This is unhealthy for the relationship and is inexcusable according to the following biblical passages:

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

God gave us men superior strength so as to use it to protect our wives and family, not use it against her. Men note the message at the end of the verse; if you misuse your strength against your wife, God will not answer or heed your prayers. That is a powerful warning that is not nearly emphasized enough in churches or Sunday schools today. There is far too much violence against women. I believe that the disrespect and violence against women by men is in large part responsible for the rise of feminism in this country. While feminism has in this writer’s opinion swung entirely too far the other way, one should not dismiss the feminist notions as completely without merit. There were and are legitimate causes for anger on the part of women. The Christian response to some of these concerns was another movement called: Promise Keepers. It is a Christian men’s organization whose principle tenants are that we as men need to be better husbands, fathers and Christian leaders.

Here are scriptures relating to anger especially notable to men.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8

A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18

Women you also have a responsibility to keep a happy and peaceful home. There are numerous commands in the Bible regulating your conduct with your spouse as well. The following verse is representative of those commands.

The contentions of a wife are like a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words like a continual dripping faucet.

We can all agree that men should not physically beat on women. Many times as indicated in the above biblical passages, women don’t have a problem beating verbally on men. The problem is, not only does it hurt your relationship but is very problematic for the husband for a number of reasons. By verbally beating on the husband, you cause the fight or flight syndrome to turn on and gives him tremendous unresolved stress. When the argument goes on, it makes it worse for the man and he gets more and more stressed to where he can explode and hit the wife. Your children are also stressed in this way. They feel the stress of that same Fight or Flight Syndrome and they are powerless to do anything about it. Continued stress of this type can cause heart disease and heart attack.
So the Bible is pretty explicit that hasty anger is not good for relationships and that anger needs to be controlled. Anger is not to be used to beat someone with or to get our own way by manipulating and intimidating them.

However the Bible does not say that you can’t get angry. You can get angry, but you have to control the anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So you see that anger is a human emotion, but you must control it, not use it as a weapon but express it so as to resolve the problem. Often when a person gets angry, they start yelling and raising their voice. This is simply a ploy to try and scare someone or attempt to manipulate someone. This is not an appropriate use or expression of anger. Screaming is an equal opportunity sin by both men and women. It also causes the Fight or Flight Syndrome that was previously spoken about. Invariably when one person yells, then the other person responds in kind which simply escalates the argument and gets it to the point where people are out of control. Here is what the Bible says about that:

A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

So how do you keep peace with your spouse when there is anger over an issue?

The key is to keep emotion out of it. The first rule when your partner is angry about something is to SHUT-UP AND LISTEN.

You let them get everything out that is bothering them. Now the temptation here is to interrupt them and correct them over an issue that you feel like they are unjustly accusing you of. False accusations are not that abnormal as people tend to over-reach when they are angry. You wait until they are completely done before you try and correct them. The key is that you want the spouse to get out all of their frustrations. If you interrupt them, it just makes them madder. You keep quiet until they are done. Once you feel like they are done, you ask them if they are done. Sometimes, they are just taking a breath and re-grouping their thoughts. If they have more to say, listen. If it is a lot, take notes on what they are complaining about so you don’t forget or try to interrupt them to tell them you can’t remember everything that they said. Once they assure you that they are done, then you ask them if it would be okay for you to repeat back the main points of their argument so that you are sure that you understand and don’t want to forget anything. Usually they will be tickled to do that. Once you have re-stated the case, ask them if this is everything that they talked about. Once they have agreed that you have all of their points. You then go to the next step. The next step is to ask them: “in what way can I fix this and make it right? There is nothing to argue about with this point. They will usually have an idea on what you can do to make it right and they will tell you. You can then go back and correct what you feel like they unfairly accused you of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, you simply quietly state that you disagree with the point that you feel like they unjustly accused you of. Now if what they are asking for is unreasonable, you counter offer and suggest that you feel like that what they are asking for is too much but you are willing to counter offer a solution. You then can begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If you can take the anger and attacks out of the argument and make it about problem solving, it is much easier to resolve.

AVOID THE “YOU DO IT TOO” RESPONSE

You need to address the complaint of your spouse and deal with it responsibly instead of trying to say they do the same thing or something else similar. Once that the conflict is resolved to your mate’s satisfaction, then if you have complaints ask to take your turn at voicing your complaints.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

There is a good way to negotiate. You can say: “alright on a scale of 1-10 how do you rate this?” If your partner says for them it is an 8 and for you it is only a 4, you agree to give them their way. Again this is just about problem solving rather than attacking each other. You can always propose an alternative solution. In assessing the degree of the problem, you have to be honest. You can’t just claim it is a 10 all of the time. You have to honestly rate the severity of the problem as well as the spouse has to rate it honestly. Make allowances for whoever has the bigger problem. This is peaceful productive problem solving.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

There are times that you are just diametrically opposed to their proposed solution and the two of you can’t reach an agreement. You could start beating on each other emotionally or you could “agree to disagree”. There is nothing wrong with that. In this way, no one is wrong, you are both convinced that you are both right but neither party will concede. Just agree to disagree.

Flipping a Coin To Decide the Problem

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs 18:18.

When getting to a solution is imperative and neither side will budge then the only peaceful solution is to settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree and stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Mathew 5:9

Due to the sinful nature of man, we have a natural predilection to fight among ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society at large and families in particular. Will you endeavor to be a peacemaker in your own home?

And a further biblical note:

If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18

You can’t make anyone do right, but you can control how you react and what you put into the relationship. Are you doing everything that you can in your relationship to live peaceably with your spouse?

DEALING WITH A SPOUSE WHO WON’T STOP YELLING

If you are faced with a partner that yells and gets verbally abusive and won’t be calmed down and this is habitual, you have to make a change. You can’t force the person to behave appropriately. What you can do is to remove yourself form the situation. You simply go get your keys and get in the car and leave for several hours. Don’t answer your cell phone or texts from the person demanding that you come back. After several hours, you come back home and tell the person that you will talk if they are willing to talk to you without verbally abusing you and yelling at you. If they start in again, you simply leave again and stay overnight somewhere if necessary. It is not likely that you will have to do this more than 3 times and the person will realize that you are no longer going to put up with the abuse. If you don’t take a stand and make it stick, the abusive person will continue the abuse.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t call your spouse names or use insulting or demeaning language to them, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse.
7. Do not interrupt, it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme to a more appropriate meaning:

Sticks and stones can only break your bones, but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

When you can’t resolve the problems between the two of you then seek out the services of a mediator, or a relationship coach.

Or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

John Wilder


How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse

August 10, 2011

How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse or Relatives, Good Conflict Resolution Skills

Nothing kills your sex life and hurts your relationship like fighting. It is imperative for the health and continuation of your relationship to learn to resolve conflict peacefully. I always tell my relationship and sexual coaching clients to go home and rent two movies and study them: THE BREAKUP and WAR OF THE ROSES. It is another example of art illustrating and imitating life. Now there is no such thing as a couple who are going to agree on everything. The key to a good relationship is being able to resolve those differences without hurting each other and inflicting damage on the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is one of the keys to having a good relationship and great sex life.

QUESTION: Are you combative or collaborative?
Do you want to win the fight or resolve the problem?

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR PARTNER! Ask, “In what way can we solve this problem?”

When you attack your spouse, they tend to want to counter attack which only escalates the problem. Instead of accusing your partner, Make the problem and its solution mutual rather than a contest and argument.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage from the Bible is obvious and requires no interpretation. It is a simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason for this should be obvious. You know when you and your spouse are fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses and damages the relationship. There is another reason: your children sense the tenseness or worse yet see you fighting. It scares them and they have no way to resolve it, make it better or the ability to get away from it. This is literally torture for your children. It upsets their digestion, their sleep, and their emotional well being. Fighting in front of children is never okay. If you really need to have a fight, find a way to get the children somewhere else where they don’t witness it.

There is a syndrome called Fight or Flight Syndrome. This is a coping system in people and animals. Men tend to feel it more profoundly because of the testosterone in their systems and because nature gives them a strong “protector instinct”. What happens when you feel stressed and threatened, the body releases massive amounts of adrenaline in your body. The purpose of this adrenaline is a simple survival mechanism. The idea is that you can use the adrenaline to run away from your opponent or predator faster than they can chase you and catch you. The other option is that you have so much adrenaline in you that you are able to successfully fight off an enemy or predator. The body is designed to be releasing and dissipating this adrenaline by either fighting or fleeing in a very short period of time. When you do neither, it creates a tremendous amount of stress in you that is not good for the body. It is internalized. Imagine having the need to urinate or sneeze and you can’t do it and you are stuck. It is a miserable feeling. In fact this kind of unrelieved stress is one of the main causes of heart disease and heart attack. When you internalize this stress rather than venting it through fighting or fleeing, you do a lot damage to the body and the relationship. Many times violence can ensue especially with men. This is why the Bible is so clear and unequivocal about resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back that notion up:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother (friend, wife, husband, other relative) has anything against you; Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words it is so important to resolve the problem immediately because of how an argument can fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that you leave church in the middle of the service to go and reconcile the problem.

LOSE YOUR TEMPER

People will often say that they lost their temper. In fact, they used their temper. Couples often use anger to control and manipulate each other, usually one is stronger than the other and bullies their partner with their anger. Men because of their superior strength tend to use that strength to bully the wife and sometimes hit the wife. This is unhealthy for the relationship and is inexcusable according to the following biblical passages:

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

God gave us men superior strength so as to use it to protect our wives and family, not use it against her. Men note the message at the end of the verse; if you misuse your strength against your wife, God will not answer or heed your prayers. That is a powerful warning that is not nearly emphasized enough in churches or Sunday schools today. There is far too much violence against women. I believe that the disrespect and violence against women by men is in large part responsible for the rise of feminism in this country. While feminism has in this writer’s opinion swung entirely too far the other way, one should not dismiss the feminist notions as completely without merit. There were and are legitimate causes for anger on the part of women. The Christian response to some of these concerns was another movement called: Promise Keepers. It is a Christian men’s organization whose principle tenants are that we as men need to be better husbands, fathers and Christian leaders.

Here are scriptures relating to anger especially notable to men.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8
A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18

Women you also have a responsibility to keep a happy and peaceful home. There are numerous commands in the Bible regulating your conduct with your spouse as well. The following verse is representative of those commands.

The contentions of a wife are like a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words like a continual dripping faucet.

We can all agree that men should not physically beat on women. Many times as indicated in the above biblical passages, women don’t have a problem beating verbally on men. The problem is, not only does it hurt your relationship but is very problematic for the husband for a number of reasons. By verbally beating on the husband, you cause the fight or flight syndrome to turn on and gives him tremendous unresolved stress. When the argument goes on, it makes it worse for the man and he gets more and more stressed to where he can explode and hit the wife. Your children are also stressed in this way. They feel the stress of that same Fight or Flight Syndrome and they are powerless to do anything about it. Continued stress of this type can cause heart disease and heart attack.
So the Bible is pretty explicit that hasty anger is not good for relationships and that anger needs to be controlled. Anger is not to be used to beat someone with or to get our own way by manipulating and intimidating them. However the Bible does not say that you can’t get angry. You can get angry, but you have to control the anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So you see that anger is a human emotion, but you must control it, not use it as a weapon but express it so as to resolve the problem. Often when a person gets angry, they start yelling and raising their voice. This is simply a ploy to try and scare someone or attempt to manipulate someone. This is not an appropriate use or expression of anger. Screaming is an equal opportunity sin by both men and women. It also causes the Fight or Flight Syndrome that was previously spoken about. Invariably when one person yells, then the other person responds in kind which simply escalates the argument and gets it to the point where people are out of control. Here is what the Bible says about that:

A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

So how do you keep peace with your spouse when there is anger over an issue. The key is to keep emotion out of it. The first rule when your partner is angry about something is to SHUT-UP AND LISTEN. You let them get everything out that is bothering them. Now the temptation here is to interrupt them and correct them over an issue that you feel like they are unjustly accusing you of. False accusations are not that abnormal as people tend to over-reach when they are angry. You wait until they are completely done before you try and correct them. The key is that you want the spouse to get out all of their frustrations. If you interrupt them, it just makes them madder. You keep quiet until they are done. Once you feel like they are done, you ask them if they are done. Sometimes, they are just taking a breath and re-grouping their thoughts. If they have more to say, listen. If it is a lot, take notes on what they are complaining about so you don’t forget or try to interrupt them to tell them you can’t remember everything that they said. Once they assure you that they are done, then you ask them if it would be okay for you to repeat back the main points of their argument so that you are sure that you understand and don’t want to forget anything. Usually they will be tickled to do that. Once you have re-stated the case, ask them if this is everything that they talked about. Once they have agreed that you have all of their points. You then go to the next step. The next step is to ask them: “in what way can I fix this and make it right? There is nothing to argue about with this point. They will usually have an idea on what you can do to make it right and they will tell you. You can then go back and correct what you feel like they unfairly accused you of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, you simply quietly state that you disagree with the point that you feel like they unjustly accused you of. Now if what they are asking for is unreasonable, you counter offer and suggest that you feel like that what they are asking for is too much but you are willing to counter offer a solution. You then can begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If you can take the anger and attacks out of the argument and make it about problem solving, it is much easier to resolve.

AVOID THE “YOU DO IT TOO” RESPONSE

You need to address the complaint of your spouse and deal with it responsibly instead of trying to say they do the same thing or something else similar. Once that the conflict is resolved to your mate’s satisfaction, then if you have complaints ask to take your turn at voicing your complaints.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

There is a good way to negotiate. You can say: “alright on a scale of 1-10 how do you rate this?” If your partner says for them it is an 8 and for you it is only a 4, you agree to give them their way. Again this is just about problem solving rather than attacking each other. You can always propose an alternative solution. In assessing the degree of the problem, you have to be honest. You can’t just claim it is a 10 all of the time. You have to honestly rate the severity of the problem as well as the spouse has to rate it honestly. Make allowances for whoever has the bigger problem. This is peaceful productive problem solving.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

There are times that you are just diametrically opposed to their proposed solution and the two of you can’t reach an agreement. You could start beating on each other emotionally or you could “agree to disagree”. There is nothing wrong with that. In this way, no one is wrong, you are both convinced that you are both right but neither party will concede. Just agree to disagree.

FLIPPING A COIN TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs 18:18.

When getting to a solution is imperative and neither side will budge then the only peaceful solution is to settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree and stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Mathew 5:9 Due to the sinful nature of man, we have a natural predilection to fight among ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society at large and families in particular. Will you endeavor to be a peacemaker in your own home? And a further biblical note:
If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18 You can’t make anyone do right, but you can control how you react and what you put into the relationship. Are you doing everything that you can in your relationship to live peaceably with your spouse?

DEALING WITH A SPOUSE WHO WON’T STOP YELLING

If you are faced with a partner that yells and gets verbally abusive and won’t be calmed down and this is habitual, you have to make a change. You can’t force the person to behave appropriately. What you can do is to remove yourself form the situation. You simply go get your keys and get in the car and leave for several hours. Don’t answer your cell phone or texts from the person demanding that you come back. After several hours, you come back home and tell the person that you will talk if they are willing to talk to you without verbally abusing you and yelling at you. If they start in again, you simply leave again and stay overnight somewhere if necessary. It is not likely that you will have to do this more than 3 times and the person will realize that you are no longer going to put up with the abuse. If you don’t take a stand and make it stick, the abusive person will continue the abuse.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t call your spouse names or use insulting or demeaning language to them, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse.
7. Do not interrupt, it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme to a more appropriate meaning:

Sticks and stones can only break your bones, but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

When you can’t resolve the problems between the two of you then seek out the services of a mediator, or a relationship coach.

Or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com


What Women Want In A Relationship and Common Mistakes That Men Make

August 3, 2011

What Women Want In Relationship and Mistakes That Men Make

What Women Want in a Relationship and Mistakes That Men Make

I have been accused by some women that I am a misogynist because I write about mistakes that women make in relationships. I do write more about that than anything else because no one else has the courage to suffer the slings and arrows that I do.
I am not anti woman or a misogynist, I am simply pointing out the common mistakes that women make in their relationships with men. It is just like Sex and The City where Carrie is clueless about men and goes to her gal pals who are equally clueless looking for answers. The problem is that they don’t have the answers. It would be like a guy going to his buddies and asking a guy what it feels like for a woman to be pregnant.

I try to be a resource for women to show them a better way based upon a lot of complaints made by men in my practice and on my blog. But to be fair, I need to take men on for the complaints that women make about men. This is only fair.

First men need to be mature. You need to be ready to commit to a relationship. You need to commit fully to it. You need to have a good job to be able to support a family.
You need to be strong emotionally and emotionally mature. You need to be strong and yet gentle respecting the woman and not trying to bully her. She is your equal and not a possession under your thumb. Never ever use your superior strength against her, it is designed to protect her not to beat her with.

You need to be ready for a family and study on what it means to be a good father as well as a good husband. You need to share the remote letting her watch her own shows in addition to your sports and blow em up movies. That means maybe also taking her to a musical , ballet, or symphony occasionally.

Be willing to go shopping with her at least occasionally and let her try on clothes while you watch and tell her what you like.

When problems arise, be willing to talk them out rationally instead of trying to bully her with shouting, pouting or emotionally withdrawing.

When it comes to sex, far too many men are about getting her done, but it really means is getting yourself done, and letting her needs go by the wayside. When it comes to orgasms, it is always ladies first. Don’t just roll over and go to sleep, but hold her and assure her that you love her, hold her and talk to her afterwards. Women want to feel loved and that you are making love with her instead of just using her as a piece of meat.
You need to be in it for the long haul and not look to other women when the going gets tough.

Well women , I invite you to share your thoughts with what I have written. Have I missed anything? Here is your time to explain what I missed. Just be nice in your comments because I was rooting for your team this time.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
This is my new personal credo. Follow the link to another great blogger.

http://stewart-little.com/

The Paradoxical Commandments of Leadership
Posted on August 24, 2010 by stewartmccoy

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest men with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.
7. People favor underdogs, but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.


101 Ways To Simplify Your Life

March 2, 2011

I got this post from the online magazine called Cotton Candy. I have decided to add one very important thing to the list of 100 to make it 101.

You must forgive people who have hurt you in the past. Not so much for their benefit, but for your own. By not forgiving them, you allow them into your life and your head to mess you up and kill your joy.

There are a lot of broken people in the world. You don’t have to own their negative opinion of you. You must first critically evaluate yourself against criticisms in the past to see if they are accurate. If they are accurate then be honest and work on improving in those areas. If they are not accurate, dish them. Like I said, there are a lot of very broken people in the world with their own load of rage that they are looking to dump on innocent people like you. They are dealing with their own profound inner pain. You don’t have to allow this inner pain to ruin your life or your joy.

Learn to value yourself and be positive. Life will go much smoother for you. I had some of the crappiest parents to ever walk the face of the earth. They did untold damage to me and my brothers. I have recuperated from the pain and exorcised it by forgiving them, but my brothers have not. They are societal misfits to this very day. You don’t have to be. You can choose to live different and better. I encourage you to be a survivor and live life abundantly.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

100 Ways to Simplify Your Life
03.01.11
Sometimes, life can get pretty complicated. Between your job, your man, your friends, your kids, your bills and a list of other enumerable factors life brings, just living from day to day can be anything but simple. But if you’re looking for the peace that simplicity most assuredly will bring to your life, Cotton Candy is here to tell you that your sought-after serenity is well within reach. All you have to do is change up your routine, turn your thinking around or perhaps start something new. Below, we’ll show you how. Read on for list of 100 ways to simplify your life. Some of these may go against what you’ve always been taught. But trust us. If you give them a try, living a simple life isn’t as hard to obtain as you might think.

1. Do one thing at a time.

2. Organize your home.

3. Set aside personal time for yourself.

4. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

5. Remember it’s all small stuff.

6. Surround yourself with positive people.

7. Remove negative people from your circle.

8. Throw away all your old clothes.

9. Learn to say no.

10. Don’t try to change others.

11. Work to change the things you don’t like about yourself.

12. Be decisive.

13. Don’t compare yourself with others.

14. Be yourself.

15. Talk positively about yourself.

16. Talk positively to others.

17. Clean old contacts out of your cell phone.

18. Delete your “frenemies” on Facebook.

19. Be honest with yourself.

20. Be honest with others.

21. Learn to be more concerned about others rather than yourself.

22. Be encouraging.

23. Love your talents.

24. Be open-minded.

25. Finish what you start.

26. Don’t procrastinate.

27. Laugh, a lot.

28. Smile, a lot.

29. Love, even more.

30. Be thankful.

31. Don’t complain.

32. Don’t murmur.

33. Believe the best in others.

34. Exercise.

35. Eat right.

36. Stay out of debt.

37. Plan for the future.

38. Prepare for the unexpected.

39. Establish boundaries for yourself.

40. Establish boundaries for others in your life.

41. Get proper rest.

42. Keep your life interesting and change your routine.

43. Forgive others.

44. Forgive yourself.

45. Get informed.

46. Control your thoughts.

47. Take vacations, even short ones.

48. Prioritize.

49. Don’t let emotions rule you.

50. Pick your battles.

51. Mind your own business.

52. Don’t judge.

53. Don’t be a people pleaser.

54. Have courage.

55. Follow your dreams.

56. Avoid petty arguments.

57. Strive to be a better person.

58. Be kind.

59. Ask for help when you need it.

60. Pray.

61. Count the consequences BEFORE you commit.

62. Be faithful to others.

63. Get along with others.

64. Don’t spread yourself thin.

65. Submit to proper authority in your life.

66. Listen to others.

67. Stay away from gossip.

68. Don’t be controlling.

69. Be flexible.

70. Don’t nag.

71. Change what you can change. Be patient with the stuff you cannot.

72. Be realistic.

73. Go beyond your normal boundaries.

74. Avoid burnout.

75. Take one day at a time.

76. Celebrate your successes.

77. Honor the achievements of others.

78. Remain balanced in all areas of your life.

79. Get a haircut.

80. Keep a diary.

81. Have hope.

82. Have faith.

83. Go to the park and relax.

84. Go to dinner with your friends.

85. Go to church and release your cares.

86. Accept your imperfections.

87. Accept your body.

88. Don’t take yourself seriously.

89. Refuse to worry.

90. Refuse to stress.

91. Keep your promises.

92. Learn from your mistakes.

93. Let go of the past.

94. Work towards the future.

95. Enjoy the present.

96. Balance your checkbook.

97. Buy yourself a treat.

98. Sign up for automated bill pay.

99. Conquer your fears.

100. Read Cotton Candy.


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