Here Is The First And Most Important Chapter in My Book, It Is About How To Have Peaceful Coflict Resolution and Stop Fighting With Your Spouse

July 3, 2012

This is the first and most important chapter in my soon to be published book (JANUARY 2013 ON AMAZON) entitled SEX EDUCATION FOR ADULTS, SECRETS TO AMAZING SEX AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER TOO. I need your help to make it a best seller. I want to prove that a book written from a Christian perspective can be a best seller in the secular world. I welcome all ideas on how to promote it and ask that you join my blog and ask other contacts to as well so that I can notify you when the book is published. It will only be $9.95 and I guarantee you more and better sex, better relationships with your spouse or your money back. When have you ever seen an author offer a money back guarantee? Would you like us on Twitter and retweet this post on Twitter please? Thanks for your help in advance.

RESOLVING CONFLICT PEACEFULLY

Fighting comes naturally, peacefully resolving conflict does not. I am sure that you can remember all too well fights that you have had in your own relationship. The problem with fighting is that no one wants to “lose” the fight so we lock into combat that almost always escalates into dysfunction. That dysfunction can be screaming, throwing things, cursing and/or hitting a spouse.

I had a couple as a client locked into dysfunction. The woman had gotten into a pattern of screaming, cursing and throwing things. The husband admirably did not hit her, but tried to keep the peace because of what the wife’s tirades and tantrums did to the children. She once broke her own finger by repeatedly slamming the front door harder and harder. Problems were never resolved; she just bullied the husband to get her own way. I could not reach her and they ultimately got a divorce. She continued these patterns in a subsequent marriage.

I always tell my clients to first go and study two movies from the rental store: THE BREAK UP, and WAR OF THE ROSES. You can see art imitating life. Study these movies and see yourselves portrayed in these movies. Watch and see the mistakes that they have made and that you have made similar mistakes as well. Children are terrified when they hear parents fighting. Remember the scene from PRINCE OF TIDES when the young children ran and jumped into the bay. They lived in an idyllic setting on an island. They escaped by running out of the house and jumping into the water. Most children don’t have that option and simply suffer through the fights, terrified. If you have not seen The Prince of Tides, it is also mandatory on my homework list.
To avoid those problems and dysfunction, I have listed some techniques that are guaranteed to work if you will use them. I tell my clients that they both need to agree to change their ways. They also need to forgive each other and enact the old familiar slogan from the playground: A DO OVER. Admit that you have both made mistakes and that as a couple you want a do over and agree to rules that I have listed for peacefully resolving the conflict. A great idea is to adopt the physician’s vow about dealing with your conflicts; “ First, do no harm.”

When a spouse is angry with you, the first rule is to SHUT UP AND LISTEN. I know that it is hard to do. You need to let them get out everything that bothers them before you counter their arguments. Once they are done, ask to repeat back what they said so that you and the spouse are sure that you understand the problem. Then ask: “In what way can we resolve this problem”? This goes a long way to resolving the problem. Calmly discuss solutions. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” Proverbs 15:1

AGREE TO DISAGREE

Too many times people are locked into winning. The problem with winning is that there is also a loser who will feel humiliated.
Better to “agree to disagree”. In this way, neither party feels like they have “lost” the argument.

FLIPPING A COIN

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs

Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree in advance that this will settle the issue, and then stick to it.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

When you are in a discussion where you both have a point of view that you feel strongly about, there is another alternative. You can agree to negotiate the argument for a peaceful settlement. You can do this by adopting a 10 scale. You each assign a numerical value form 1-10 depending on how firmly you believe your side is worth. You have to give an honest evaluation. Using a 10 where there is absolutely no room for negotiation, to a 1 scale where you could go either way. Come up with a legitimate number to assess your position. Suppose your
spouse is at a 7 and you are at a 4 then you agree to give in to the spouse’s 7 to make for a peaceful resolution.

SPLITTING THE DIFFERENCE

Another good way to resolve the argument is to simply compromise half way between the two points of view. Both parties feel like they got something and don’t feel humiliated.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t curse at or call your spouse names, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse it is abusive.
7. Do not interrupt; it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.
I have re-written an old nursery rhyme that is more appropriate: Sticks and stones can only break your bones but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

Remember, your job as a spouse is to nurture your spouse. You can’t do that when you are being self centered. According to Dr. Laura Schlesinger, self centeredness is a leading cause of divorce. You also don’t nurture your spouse when you attempt to bully them in an argument instead of peacefully resolving the conflict while respecting them and their feelings.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man (woman) be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. James 1:19

The big problem is that the vast majority of people don’t heed the above scriptural mandate. Most people are doing just the opposite: they are quick to anger, quick to speak and slow to listen. If you can follow the scriptural mandate, you will be amazed at how much better your marriage works.
SAVING FACE

You need to adopt the oriental philosophy of “saving face”. This is a philosophy of mutual respect. It is considered in very poor form to in any way deliberately disrespect another person. Their rules are very rigid in that you never ever would consider doing anything that would cause someone to feel humiliated or embarrassed. Our western culture clearly does not teach respect for other people’s feelings.

Finally, if you can’t resolve an argument, then seek out the services of a marriage coach. Avoid marriage counselors at all costs. The dirty little secret in the industry is that marriage counselors have a 75% failure rate according to some leading counselors turned Marriage Coaches like Dr. Willard Harley, author of HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS and Michelle Weiner Davis, author of DIVORCE BUSTING. Marriage counselors have you come back for weeks and talk about feelings. Coaches concentrate on resolving problems in a short period of time. If
you need help, put into your search engine and look for marriage coaches, or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com


The Story of How I Got To Be in The Helping Professions

February 18, 2012

The Story Of How I Got To Be Me In The Helping Professions
May 18, 2011

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home. I had a cold, distant and alcoholic mother. I had an unbelievably cruel father who enjoyed inflicting pain on my two brother s and me. Some examples: He hit me full force with a punch to my nose, shattering it for the sin of interrupting him when he was talking. He told me to take a bath and go to bed, leaving my broken nose untreated. 3 years later I experienced something that has profoundly changed me for life. My 6 year old brother rebelled in a way that came to haunt us. He went over to his school in the summer with another boy and threw paint all over the school. The police were called and they were caught and brought him home. My father said that he would take care of it. He took him back into the bedroom where he shared with his 3 year old brother, next to my room where I was. He proceeded to beat him with a belt and would not stop. I was convinced that he was going to kill him.

I desperately wanted to stop him. At 12 I was trying to figure out how to stop my father from killing my little brother. I considered that I was not big enough or strong enough to stop him. I thought about my baseball bat. I was plagued with doubts as I tried desperately to figure a way to stop my father while hearing the blood curdling screams of my little brother being savagely beaten. I thought that I could go in and threaten him and he would stop. Then I realized that he would take the bat away from me and use it on me. Then I thought that I could go in and hit him in the head and knock him out. Then I realized he would wake up and beat me with the bat so enraged that he likely would kill me. Then I thought of hitting him in the head so hard that I killed him. The thought of going to jail for life stopped me. In the end I sat in my room in tears and desperately hating myself because I was not big enough or strong enough to stop him. He continued beating my little brother until he exhausted himself. He had to go and sit down in his recliner to rest. After resting for a half hour he went in again and beat on him yet again. I don’t know how my brother survived it and my little brother was terrified at age 3. There were many other beatings in the household.

As I got a little older, I was always picked on by bullies and always cowered because of my father. That incident so filled me with rage that two years later, I got into a fight with a kid who squirted chocolate milk on my white shirt at school. I beat the crap out of him and then had to beat the crap out of another guy right afterwards. Then two days later had to beat the crap out of someone again. It was an awakening for me. No more did I have to tolerate bullies. I told the old man that the beatings were going to stop at home or I would beat him to death and meant it, unafraid. Never again would I fear another man.

I wondered at man’s inhumanity to man. Like all kids who were abused as kids, you grow up bent in one of two different directions; you either grow up to be a bully or you grow up to join the ranks of the helping professions. I decided to get into the helping professions because there was no one there to protect my brothers and myself when we needed it.

I see marriages breaking up, parents fighting in front of kids and terrifying them. Using kids in the parents battle against each other. I want it to stop and I am willing to do whatever I can to stop it and help couples get along and grow and nurture each other. That is my goal as well as my dream. Please help me to spread the word.

I offer a money back guarantee and a half hour free consultation. Email me and I will call you and set up a phone appt to help. I can help with kids, your sex life or your relationship. You have absolute anonymity with me. I want to help and I am good at it.


20 Great Reasons To Have More Sex

June 6, 2011

20 Great Reasons To Have More Sex
May 19, 2011

20 Reasons To Have Sex
I have been navigating these blogs and I am sick to death of women making excuses and DEMANDING thei right to refuse their husbands sex. When I point out valid reasons why women should take care of their husband’s sexual needs, women come out of the wood work to call me a pervert, a misogynist and worse. All too often when a man critiques a woman she becomes vicious in her verbal attack in retaliation rather than dealing with the critique. Misandry (reverse sexism by women against men) is every bit as bad as misogony.

Sex is one of the big 3 that couples fight about and break up over. It is the children who suffer because of their parents inability to resolve problems. So read what another relationship professional has to say about sex. According to Dr. Adam Sheck, “The Passion Doctor,” there are twenty reasons to have sex, even if you’re not quite in the mood. My work as a couples counselor is to help you create passion in your relationship. Sexual passion is certainly one strong contributor to overall passion. According to Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, “Studies show that, when things are going well, sex contributes only 15 percent to the overall satisfaction of a relationship. But if things aren’t going well, it contributes 85 percent to the dissatisfaction.” In keeping with this theme of passion, I present to you the following, excerpted with permission from the book How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Drs. Love Twenty Reasons to Have Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It

1. Because you said so Even though you may not have promised to “love, honor, and have sex once a week” when you made a commitment to your relationship, it was understood that sex would be part of that bargain. Imagine how the marriage rates would go down if people said, “I’ll marry you, but don’t expect sex.” If you polled one thousand people on the street and asked them, “Is it reasonable to expect to have to have sex when you are married?” the overwhelming majority would say yes. If you expect a monogamous commitment from your partner, then it stands to reason that you will be a cooperative sex partner.

2. Sex helps you forget Oxytocin, which triggers orgasm, has an amnesic effect that lasts up to five hours. So for a period of time you forget that he maxed out your Visa card or she was an hour late getting home from work. Women get an additional benefit. During orgasm that parts of the brain that govern fear, anxiety, and stress are switched off. (Faking orgasm gives no such benefit.) Sex Makes Our Brains Bigger. Seriously.

3. Sex rewires you for pleasure Every time you share a positive experience with your partner, your brain comes to associate him or her with pleasure. You can transform any relationship simply by increasing the number of enjoyable times you share together.

4. Sex puts the “P” back in partnership Passion is what separates your relationship with your intimate partner from those with girlfriends and buddies. Yes, you two are best friends and confidants, but without sex you will not have passion. The following are from a 1997 study in the British Medical Journal-

5. Heightened sense of smell After sex, production of prolactin surges, causing stem cells in the brain to develop new neurons in the brain’s smell center (olfactory bulb).

6. Weight loss Rambunctious sex burns a minimum of two hundred calories, about the same as running fifteen minutes on a treadmill. British researchers determined that the equivalent of six Big Macs can be worked off by having sex three times a week for a year.

7. Reduced depression Prostaglandin, a hormone found in semen, modulates female hormones. Orgasm releases endorphins, producing a sense of well-being and euphoria.

8. Pain relief During sex, levels of oxytocin surge five times their normal level, releasing endorphins that alleviate pain. Sex also prompts production of estrogen, which reduces the pain of PMS.

9. Healthier heart Women who have more sex have higher levels of estrogen, which protects against heart disease.

10. Cure for the common cold Once-a-week sex produces 30 percent higher levels of immunoglobulin A, which boosts the immune system.

11. Better bladder control Sex strengthens the pelvic muscles that control the flow of urine.

12. Peppy prostate Some urologists believe they see a relationship between infrequency of ejaculation in men and cancer in the prostate. In this case solo sex works just as well, but why out on all the other benefits?

13. Shiny hair, glowing skin For women, extra estrogen from orgasm makes hair shine. Sweat produced during sex cleanses the pores and makes skin glow. Serotonin produces the afterglow of sex.

14. Calming effect Sex is ten times more effective than Valium, with no side effects. The (Very Sexy) Benefits Of An Empty Nest

15. Relief for a stuffy nose Really. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can even help combat hay fever and asthma.

16. Firmer tummy and butt Regular sex can firm your tummy and butt, plus improve posture.

17. Boosts immune system Endorphins stimulate immune-system cells that fight disease.

18. Forever young Sex actually slows down the aging process. It lowers cortisol levels in the bloodstream, which reduces stress and slows down the aging process.

19. Protection against Alzheimer’s and osteoporosis Women who have more sex have higher levels of estrogen, which protects against Alzheimer’s and osteoporosis.

20. Euphoria Who wouldn’t want more? The best way to get a natural high is sex! 3 Ways Hot Weather Leads To Good Sex And finally, do you have any reasons YOU’D like to add to this list? Please comment on this post with your best reasons to have sex and I’ll publish a follow up blog post. Thanks so much, Dr. Adam Sheck


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