Best Seller Book Contest

May 16, 2012

I am going to have a contest for all my readers to guess the total number of books sold

during my best seller campaign with my book release on January 10,2013.  The prizes will 

be for the closest number of guesses for that week total to date.  If you would like to pitch your

products or service, you can include it as prize to induce people to buy my book during that 

week and thus increase your own online visibility and profit from my book campaign

The book is entitled:  Sex Education for Adults, Secrets To Amazing Sex and Happily 

Ever After Too.  It is written from a Christian perspective to counter the views taught in most

churches that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it.  They never 

teach the sex positive messages in the bible.l

 

Not only will I show you how to have a better sex life but how to stop fighting with your 

spouse and instead have peaceful conflict resolution without hurting each other. The book 

will be first published on Amazon as an E-book.l  I am so confident that my book will help 

you, I am offering you a money back guarantee.  I also offer the same money back 

gaurantee on my coaching services.  Call a half dozen marriage counselors and 

ask them if they would be willing to match that.l  They won’t.  While the book is still under

construction I am also taking ideas on how to be more romantic how to seduce your partner,

better sex techniques, and problem resolution techniques that work for you.  You could

get published in my book if I can use your ideas.  Write me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com.


Here Are Some Great Survival Tips for Dating After Divorce For Men

February 19, 2012

Dating After Divorce Tips for Men

If you’re a man who has recently found himself sans wedding ring due to the legal termination of a marriage, you might be toying with the idea of dating again. But anyone (even you tough guys) who has been through a divorce knows that putting the goods back out on the market can be difficult and even a little intimidating. So before you do, be sure to check out the following tips to make the leap into the dating pool a successful swim that won’t leave you gasping for air and in need of CPR:

Take the time to get over it. Sure, you might think that the best way to heal an old wound is with a new band aid; but if you start dating new women before your divorce is even finalized, you could be setting yourself up for yet another serious disaster. When you get into a new relationship too soon, there is the threat of infecting your new relationship with issues from your past. So take the time you need to get over your marriage and focus on yourself for a little while in order to be the best you for the next lucky lady who strolls into your life.

Focus on the positives. Anyone who has been through the debilitating agony of a divorce knows that it has a way of completely tearing you down to a point where you feel like you can’t go on another day. Of course you’ve been through hell and there are bound to be times like this; but it is important to try and stay positive—especially when you are dating again. No new woman wants to sit there as you cry and complain about that gold-digging, two-timing ex-wife of yours who left you in financial and emotional ruins. Instead, talk about the parts of life that you enjoy, keep things light and do your best to let your positivity shine through—there is nothing more attractive to a woman than that.

Don’t compare. The whole point of dating is to explore what all is out there, right? So if you’re dating someone new and all you can think about is how she stacks up to the likes of your ex-wife, don’t expect for the new relationship to pan out successfully. The “ex” prefaces the word “wife” for a reason. Instead of judging the new lady in your life and writing her off just because she doesn’t cook your grilled cheese sandwiches just the way the former Mrs. did, embrace the opportunity you have to get to know someone new and accept them who they are—you never know, she just might be able to heat things up in the kitchen better than your ex used to!

Learn from your mistakes. When you reflect back on your marriage, there are sure to be some things that you wish you could change. And while you shouldn’t harp on the mistakes you made and focus only on what might have been with your ex-wife, you should however think about what you can do to make sure that you don’t fall into the same bad habits in your new relationship. Rather than living in the past, try to look at it as a learning experience to grow from and move on to a brighter, happier future.

One of the key things is learning to have peaceful conflict resolution without hurting your girlfriend or new wife. Here is a link to a great article to help you to do that. Peaceful conflict resolution is mandatory if you expect your new relationship to work.

http://www.spirituallyraw.com/profiles/blogs/the-holy-grail-how-to-stop-fighting-with-your-spouse-or-relatives

Another thing is that too many of you guys are still stuck in that old adolescent sexuality of wham bam thank you maam. You need to do it much better. Here is a link to make you into a hero in the bedroom. Believe me, women talk about your sexual performance. If you follow these sex tips, you will be better than 95% of the guys out there and the best that your woman has ever had and she will be much more accomodating of your sexual needs. Thank me later.
https://marriagecoach1.wordpress.com/2011/04/22/forreplay-and-afterplay-how-to-be-a-hero-in-the-bedroom/

And finally, most likely you will be dating women with kids and you need to learn how to deal with step kids. You must understand that they will not welcome you into the family. These kids are still grieving the loss of their parents as a family. They will do anything in their power to break you up and often succeed.

You need to have a meeting of the minds with your new woman and provide a united front to the kids both hers and yours.
One of the most common techniques in their little demon arsenal is saying: “you can’t tell me what to do, you are not my dad” or mom. The answer is simple. You say and get your woman to say as well, no I am not your dad, but I am a parent in this house and you have to do what I say because I am an adult charged with your care while you are over hear as well as your mom.

It would be a great idea to have a meeting with the kids and explain to them that you and your woman will not put up with these kinds of battles but they can have their say as long as it is respectful and then go over the rules of peaceful conflict resolution with them as well. If they break the rules there must be consequences to that. Have a family meeting with you and the woman and the kids and decide among yourselves what those consequences are. This will go a long way to insuring more domestic tranquility and preserving the relationship. Why don’t you email us with your tips on how to do it better.

Sabrina Jackson is a guest post author who shares her advice to men for dating post-divorce. In addition, Sabrina also contributes articles to Best Dating Sites where she provides information about safe dating on the web.
http://www.100bestdatingsites.org


The Single Biggest Mistake That Women Make In Their Men Relationships

February 10, 2012

Okay ladies, I am going to give you an inside look at the male psyche.

MEN NEED RESPECT EVEN MORE THAN THEY NEED SEX!

Lack of respect shows up in many ways. The number one complaint that I get about women from men in my
practice is that they don’t make it safe for men to tell them the truth. If a man makes a comment that can in any way be construed by the woman as negative about her, invariably she goes on the attack; yelling, screaming, name calling and/or crying. The goal of course is to teach that “no good man” to never ever critique her again. Men learn the lesson all too well and learn to seethe in silence. All you have done is to effectively KILL THE INTIMACY between the two of you.

You must learn to be willing to listen to anything that he says and give him SAFE HARBOR to say anything to you. If you don’t all you do is cause him to lie to you or just shut down his emotions. You women don’t have any problem at all telling your guy what is wrong with him and what you would like for him to do to change it. IT IS NOT FAIR and builds real resentment towards you. You are KILLING YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP by this practice.

Another thing that is common to women disrespecting their husbands is belittling his sexuality with negative comments like: What are you some kind of pervert, is that all you ever think about? A man is at his most emotionally vulnerable place when he approaches you for sex. Inside every grown man is a little boy whose feelings are CRUSHED when you say hateful hurtful things to him. We are taught not to show our emotions but we definitely FEEL THEM and resent you for making us keep them inside. In fact studies have shown that the average married woman with kids at home keep their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less when the average guy needs it 3 times a week. You need to take better care of your man.

Men want to be appreciated for the things that they do to try and take care of you. If you want more of that, say thank you and tell him that you really appreciate what he does for you and MEAN IT!

Tell him how good looking he is to you and mean it. Tell him how good he is with the kids. Don’t be anal about what he does to help around the house. I once worked with a famous book author who refolded the towels after her husband had folded them and put them away. He said that the did not mind helping but she did not get to dictate how it got done. Relax, it is not worth battling over. You need to learn to choose your battles. There is really not that much worth fighting about and hurting your husbands feelings over.

The relationship that you save could be your own.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder


The Holy Grail, How To Stop Fighting with your Spouse and Relatives

September 1, 2011

This blog post was reposted on the Spiraturally Raw Website and thanks to April for posting it.
John Wilder

All Blog PostsMy BlogAddTHE HOLY GRAIL! How To STOP FIGHTING With Your Spouse or Relatives & Conflict RESOLUTION SKILLS!!! Posted by April Villarose-Matta on September 1, 2011 at 1:00pm
View Blog
How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse or Relatives, Good Conflict Resolution Skills

Nothing kills your sex life and hurts your relationship like fighting. It is imperative for the health and continuation of your relationship to learn to resolve conflict peacefully. I always tell my relationship and sexual coaching clients to go home and rent two movies and study them: THE BREAKUP and WAR OF THE ROSES. It is another example of art illustrating and imitating life. Now there is no such thing as a couple who are going to agree on everything.

The key to a good relationship is being able to resolve those differences without hurting each other and inflicting damage on the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is one of the keys to having a good relationship and great sex life.

QUESTION: Are you combative or collaborative?

Do you want to win the fight or resolve the problem?

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR PARTNER!

Ask, “In what way can we solve this problem?”

When you attack your spouse, they tend to want to counter attack which only escalates the problem. Instead of accusing your partner, Make the problem and its solution mutual rather than a contest and argument.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage from the Bible is obvious and requires no interpretation. It is a simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason for this should be obvious. You know when you and your spouse are fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses and damages the relationship. There is another reason: your children sense the tenseness or worse yet see you fighting. It scares them and they have no way to resolve it, make it better or the ability to get away from it. This is literally torture for your children. It upsets their digestion, their sleep, and their emotional well being. Fighting in front of children is never okay. If you really need to have a fight, find a way to get the children somewhere else where they don’t witness it.

There is a syndrome called Fight or Flight Syndrome. This is a coping system in people and animals. Men tend to feel it more profoundly because of the testosterone in their systems and because nature gives them a strong “protector instinct”. What happens when you feel stressed and threatened, the body releases massive amounts of adrenaline in your body. The purpose of this adrenaline is a simple survival mechanism. The idea is that you can use the adrenaline to run away from your opponent or predator faster than they can chase you and catch you. The other option is that you have so much adrenaline in you that you are able to successfully fight off an enemy or predator. The body is designed to be releasing and dissipating this adrenaline by either fighting or fleeing in a very short period of time. When you do neither, it creates a tremendous amount of stress in you that is not good for the body. It is internalized. Imagine having the need to urinate or sneeze and you can’t do it and you are stuck. It is a miserable feeling. In fact this kind of unrelieved stress is one of the main causes of heart disease and heart attack. When you internalize this stress rather than venting it through fighting or fleeing, you do a lot damage to the body and the relationship. Many times violence can ensue especially with men. This is why the Bible is so clear and unequivocal about resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back that notion up:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother (friend, wife, husband, other relative) has anything against you; Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words it is so important to resolve the problem immediately because of how an argument can fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that you leave church in the middle of the service to go and reconcile the problem.

LOSE YOUR TEMPER

People will often say that they lost their temper. In fact, they used their temper. Couples often use anger to control and manipulate each other, usually one is stronger than the other and bullies their partner with their anger. Men because of their superior strength tend to use that strength to bully the wife and sometimes hit the wife. This is unhealthy for the relationship and is inexcusable according to the following biblical passages:

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

God gave us men superior strength so as to use it to protect our wives and family, not use it against her. Men note the message at the end of the verse; if you misuse your strength against your wife, God will not answer or heed your prayers. That is a powerful warning that is not nearly emphasized enough in churches or Sunday schools today. There is far too much violence against women. I believe that the disrespect and violence against women by men is in large part responsible for the rise of feminism in this country. While feminism has in this writer’s opinion swung entirely too far the other way, one should not dismiss the feminist notions as completely without merit. There were and are legitimate causes for anger on the part of women. The Christian response to some of these concerns was another movement called: Promise Keepers. It is a Christian men’s organization whose principle tenants are that we as men need to be better husbands, fathers and Christian leaders.

Here are scriptures relating to anger especially notable to men.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8

A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18

Women you also have a responsibility to keep a happy and peaceful home. There are numerous commands in the Bible regulating your conduct with your spouse as well. The following verse is representative of those commands.

The contentions of a wife are like a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words like a continual dripping faucet.

We can all agree that men should not physically beat on women. Many times as indicated in the above biblical passages, women don’t have a problem beating verbally on men. The problem is, not only does it hurt your relationship but is very problematic for the husband for a number of reasons. By verbally beating on the husband, you cause the fight or flight syndrome to turn on and gives him tremendous unresolved stress. When the argument goes on, it makes it worse for the man and he gets more and more stressed to where he can explode and hit the wife. Your children are also stressed in this way. They feel the stress of that same Fight or Flight Syndrome and they are powerless to do anything about it. Continued stress of this type can cause heart disease and heart attack.
So the Bible is pretty explicit that hasty anger is not good for relationships and that anger needs to be controlled. Anger is not to be used to beat someone with or to get our own way by manipulating and intimidating them.

However the Bible does not say that you can’t get angry. You can get angry, but you have to control the anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So you see that anger is a human emotion, but you must control it, not use it as a weapon but express it so as to resolve the problem. Often when a person gets angry, they start yelling and raising their voice. This is simply a ploy to try and scare someone or attempt to manipulate someone. This is not an appropriate use or expression of anger. Screaming is an equal opportunity sin by both men and women. It also causes the Fight or Flight Syndrome that was previously spoken about. Invariably when one person yells, then the other person responds in kind which simply escalates the argument and gets it to the point where people are out of control. Here is what the Bible says about that:

A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

So how do you keep peace with your spouse when there is anger over an issue?

The key is to keep emotion out of it. The first rule when your partner is angry about something is to SHUT-UP AND LISTEN.

You let them get everything out that is bothering them. Now the temptation here is to interrupt them and correct them over an issue that you feel like they are unjustly accusing you of. False accusations are not that abnormal as people tend to over-reach when they are angry. You wait until they are completely done before you try and correct them. The key is that you want the spouse to get out all of their frustrations. If you interrupt them, it just makes them madder. You keep quiet until they are done. Once you feel like they are done, you ask them if they are done. Sometimes, they are just taking a breath and re-grouping their thoughts. If they have more to say, listen. If it is a lot, take notes on what they are complaining about so you don’t forget or try to interrupt them to tell them you can’t remember everything that they said. Once they assure you that they are done, then you ask them if it would be okay for you to repeat back the main points of their argument so that you are sure that you understand and don’t want to forget anything. Usually they will be tickled to do that. Once you have re-stated the case, ask them if this is everything that they talked about. Once they have agreed that you have all of their points. You then go to the next step. The next step is to ask them: “in what way can I fix this and make it right? There is nothing to argue about with this point. They will usually have an idea on what you can do to make it right and they will tell you. You can then go back and correct what you feel like they unfairly accused you of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, you simply quietly state that you disagree with the point that you feel like they unjustly accused you of. Now if what they are asking for is unreasonable, you counter offer and suggest that you feel like that what they are asking for is too much but you are willing to counter offer a solution. You then can begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If you can take the anger and attacks out of the argument and make it about problem solving, it is much easier to resolve.

AVOID THE “YOU DO IT TOO” RESPONSE

You need to address the complaint of your spouse and deal with it responsibly instead of trying to say they do the same thing or something else similar. Once that the conflict is resolved to your mate’s satisfaction, then if you have complaints ask to take your turn at voicing your complaints.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

There is a good way to negotiate. You can say: “alright on a scale of 1-10 how do you rate this?” If your partner says for them it is an 8 and for you it is only a 4, you agree to give them their way. Again this is just about problem solving rather than attacking each other. You can always propose an alternative solution. In assessing the degree of the problem, you have to be honest. You can’t just claim it is a 10 all of the time. You have to honestly rate the severity of the problem as well as the spouse has to rate it honestly. Make allowances for whoever has the bigger problem. This is peaceful productive problem solving.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

There are times that you are just diametrically opposed to their proposed solution and the two of you can’t reach an agreement. You could start beating on each other emotionally or you could “agree to disagree”. There is nothing wrong with that. In this way, no one is wrong, you are both convinced that you are both right but neither party will concede. Just agree to disagree.

Flipping a Coin To Decide the Problem

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs 18:18.

When getting to a solution is imperative and neither side will budge then the only peaceful solution is to settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree and stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Mathew 5:9

Due to the sinful nature of man, we have a natural predilection to fight among ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society at large and families in particular. Will you endeavor to be a peacemaker in your own home?

And a further biblical note:

If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18

You can’t make anyone do right, but you can control how you react and what you put into the relationship. Are you doing everything that you can in your relationship to live peaceably with your spouse?

DEALING WITH A SPOUSE WHO WON’T STOP YELLING

If you are faced with a partner that yells and gets verbally abusive and won’t be calmed down and this is habitual, you have to make a change. You can’t force the person to behave appropriately. What you can do is to remove yourself form the situation. You simply go get your keys and get in the car and leave for several hours. Don’t answer your cell phone or texts from the person demanding that you come back. After several hours, you come back home and tell the person that you will talk if they are willing to talk to you without verbally abusing you and yelling at you. If they start in again, you simply leave again and stay overnight somewhere if necessary. It is not likely that you will have to do this more than 3 times and the person will realize that you are no longer going to put up with the abuse. If you don’t take a stand and make it stick, the abusive person will continue the abuse.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t call your spouse names or use insulting or demeaning language to them, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse.
7. Do not interrupt, it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme to a more appropriate meaning:

Sticks and stones can only break your bones, but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

When you can’t resolve the problems between the two of you then seek out the services of a mediator, or a relationship coach.

Or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

John Wilder


How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse

August 10, 2011

How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse or Relatives, Good Conflict Resolution Skills

Nothing kills your sex life and hurts your relationship like fighting. It is imperative for the health and continuation of your relationship to learn to resolve conflict peacefully. I always tell my relationship and sexual coaching clients to go home and rent two movies and study them: THE BREAKUP and WAR OF THE ROSES. It is another example of art illustrating and imitating life. Now there is no such thing as a couple who are going to agree on everything. The key to a good relationship is being able to resolve those differences without hurting each other and inflicting damage on the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is one of the keys to having a good relationship and great sex life.

QUESTION: Are you combative or collaborative?
Do you want to win the fight or resolve the problem?

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR PARTNER! Ask, “In what way can we solve this problem?”

When you attack your spouse, they tend to want to counter attack which only escalates the problem. Instead of accusing your partner, Make the problem and its solution mutual rather than a contest and argument.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage from the Bible is obvious and requires no interpretation. It is a simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason for this should be obvious. You know when you and your spouse are fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses and damages the relationship. There is another reason: your children sense the tenseness or worse yet see you fighting. It scares them and they have no way to resolve it, make it better or the ability to get away from it. This is literally torture for your children. It upsets their digestion, their sleep, and their emotional well being. Fighting in front of children is never okay. If you really need to have a fight, find a way to get the children somewhere else where they don’t witness it.

There is a syndrome called Fight or Flight Syndrome. This is a coping system in people and animals. Men tend to feel it more profoundly because of the testosterone in their systems and because nature gives them a strong “protector instinct”. What happens when you feel stressed and threatened, the body releases massive amounts of adrenaline in your body. The purpose of this adrenaline is a simple survival mechanism. The idea is that you can use the adrenaline to run away from your opponent or predator faster than they can chase you and catch you. The other option is that you have so much adrenaline in you that you are able to successfully fight off an enemy or predator. The body is designed to be releasing and dissipating this adrenaline by either fighting or fleeing in a very short period of time. When you do neither, it creates a tremendous amount of stress in you that is not good for the body. It is internalized. Imagine having the need to urinate or sneeze and you can’t do it and you are stuck. It is a miserable feeling. In fact this kind of unrelieved stress is one of the main causes of heart disease and heart attack. When you internalize this stress rather than venting it through fighting or fleeing, you do a lot damage to the body and the relationship. Many times violence can ensue especially with men. This is why the Bible is so clear and unequivocal about resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back that notion up:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother (friend, wife, husband, other relative) has anything against you; Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words it is so important to resolve the problem immediately because of how an argument can fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that you leave church in the middle of the service to go and reconcile the problem.

LOSE YOUR TEMPER

People will often say that they lost their temper. In fact, they used their temper. Couples often use anger to control and manipulate each other, usually one is stronger than the other and bullies their partner with their anger. Men because of their superior strength tend to use that strength to bully the wife and sometimes hit the wife. This is unhealthy for the relationship and is inexcusable according to the following biblical passages:

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

God gave us men superior strength so as to use it to protect our wives and family, not use it against her. Men note the message at the end of the verse; if you misuse your strength against your wife, God will not answer or heed your prayers. That is a powerful warning that is not nearly emphasized enough in churches or Sunday schools today. There is far too much violence against women. I believe that the disrespect and violence against women by men is in large part responsible for the rise of feminism in this country. While feminism has in this writer’s opinion swung entirely too far the other way, one should not dismiss the feminist notions as completely without merit. There were and are legitimate causes for anger on the part of women. The Christian response to some of these concerns was another movement called: Promise Keepers. It is a Christian men’s organization whose principle tenants are that we as men need to be better husbands, fathers and Christian leaders.

Here are scriptures relating to anger especially notable to men.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8
A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18

Women you also have a responsibility to keep a happy and peaceful home. There are numerous commands in the Bible regulating your conduct with your spouse as well. The following verse is representative of those commands.

The contentions of a wife are like a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words like a continual dripping faucet.

We can all agree that men should not physically beat on women. Many times as indicated in the above biblical passages, women don’t have a problem beating verbally on men. The problem is, not only does it hurt your relationship but is very problematic for the husband for a number of reasons. By verbally beating on the husband, you cause the fight or flight syndrome to turn on and gives him tremendous unresolved stress. When the argument goes on, it makes it worse for the man and he gets more and more stressed to where he can explode and hit the wife. Your children are also stressed in this way. They feel the stress of that same Fight or Flight Syndrome and they are powerless to do anything about it. Continued stress of this type can cause heart disease and heart attack.
So the Bible is pretty explicit that hasty anger is not good for relationships and that anger needs to be controlled. Anger is not to be used to beat someone with or to get our own way by manipulating and intimidating them. However the Bible does not say that you can’t get angry. You can get angry, but you have to control the anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So you see that anger is a human emotion, but you must control it, not use it as a weapon but express it so as to resolve the problem. Often when a person gets angry, they start yelling and raising their voice. This is simply a ploy to try and scare someone or attempt to manipulate someone. This is not an appropriate use or expression of anger. Screaming is an equal opportunity sin by both men and women. It also causes the Fight or Flight Syndrome that was previously spoken about. Invariably when one person yells, then the other person responds in kind which simply escalates the argument and gets it to the point where people are out of control. Here is what the Bible says about that:

A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

So how do you keep peace with your spouse when there is anger over an issue. The key is to keep emotion out of it. The first rule when your partner is angry about something is to SHUT-UP AND LISTEN. You let them get everything out that is bothering them. Now the temptation here is to interrupt them and correct them over an issue that you feel like they are unjustly accusing you of. False accusations are not that abnormal as people tend to over-reach when they are angry. You wait until they are completely done before you try and correct them. The key is that you want the spouse to get out all of their frustrations. If you interrupt them, it just makes them madder. You keep quiet until they are done. Once you feel like they are done, you ask them if they are done. Sometimes, they are just taking a breath and re-grouping their thoughts. If they have more to say, listen. If it is a lot, take notes on what they are complaining about so you don’t forget or try to interrupt them to tell them you can’t remember everything that they said. Once they assure you that they are done, then you ask them if it would be okay for you to repeat back the main points of their argument so that you are sure that you understand and don’t want to forget anything. Usually they will be tickled to do that. Once you have re-stated the case, ask them if this is everything that they talked about. Once they have agreed that you have all of their points. You then go to the next step. The next step is to ask them: “in what way can I fix this and make it right? There is nothing to argue about with this point. They will usually have an idea on what you can do to make it right and they will tell you. You can then go back and correct what you feel like they unfairly accused you of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, you simply quietly state that you disagree with the point that you feel like they unjustly accused you of. Now if what they are asking for is unreasonable, you counter offer and suggest that you feel like that what they are asking for is too much but you are willing to counter offer a solution. You then can begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If you can take the anger and attacks out of the argument and make it about problem solving, it is much easier to resolve.

AVOID THE “YOU DO IT TOO” RESPONSE

You need to address the complaint of your spouse and deal with it responsibly instead of trying to say they do the same thing or something else similar. Once that the conflict is resolved to your mate’s satisfaction, then if you have complaints ask to take your turn at voicing your complaints.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

There is a good way to negotiate. You can say: “alright on a scale of 1-10 how do you rate this?” If your partner says for them it is an 8 and for you it is only a 4, you agree to give them their way. Again this is just about problem solving rather than attacking each other. You can always propose an alternative solution. In assessing the degree of the problem, you have to be honest. You can’t just claim it is a 10 all of the time. You have to honestly rate the severity of the problem as well as the spouse has to rate it honestly. Make allowances for whoever has the bigger problem. This is peaceful productive problem solving.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

There are times that you are just diametrically opposed to their proposed solution and the two of you can’t reach an agreement. You could start beating on each other emotionally or you could “agree to disagree”. There is nothing wrong with that. In this way, no one is wrong, you are both convinced that you are both right but neither party will concede. Just agree to disagree.

FLIPPING A COIN TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs 18:18.

When getting to a solution is imperative and neither side will budge then the only peaceful solution is to settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree and stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Mathew 5:9 Due to the sinful nature of man, we have a natural predilection to fight among ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society at large and families in particular. Will you endeavor to be a peacemaker in your own home? And a further biblical note:
If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18 You can’t make anyone do right, but you can control how you react and what you put into the relationship. Are you doing everything that you can in your relationship to live peaceably with your spouse?

DEALING WITH A SPOUSE WHO WON’T STOP YELLING

If you are faced with a partner that yells and gets verbally abusive and won’t be calmed down and this is habitual, you have to make a change. You can’t force the person to behave appropriately. What you can do is to remove yourself form the situation. You simply go get your keys and get in the car and leave for several hours. Don’t answer your cell phone or texts from the person demanding that you come back. After several hours, you come back home and tell the person that you will talk if they are willing to talk to you without verbally abusing you and yelling at you. If they start in again, you simply leave again and stay overnight somewhere if necessary. It is not likely that you will have to do this more than 3 times and the person will realize that you are no longer going to put up with the abuse. If you don’t take a stand and make it stick, the abusive person will continue the abuse.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t call your spouse names or use insulting or demeaning language to them, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse.
7. Do not interrupt, it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme to a more appropriate meaning:

Sticks and stones can only break your bones, but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

When you can’t resolve the problems between the two of you then seek out the services of a mediator, or a relationship coach.

Or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com


6 Reasons To Avoid Marriage Counselors Like The Plague

September 12, 2010

We have the highest divorce rate on the planet. Judith Wallerstein did a groundbreaking study on the effects of divorce on children, even into adulthood. She notes the following effects on children:

The children Wallerstein studied were more likely to struggle with drugs, alcohol, and sex. Fully half the children she studied were involved in serious abuse of alcohol and drugs, some as early as age 14. And they tended to become sexually active early, particularly the girls.

• Expectations of failure, based on an “internalized image of failure;”
• Fear of loss, due to earlier anxiety about abandonment by one or both parents;
• Fear of change, since experience has shown them it is usually for the worse;
• Fear of conflict, because it leads to explosions or the impulse to escape;
• Fear of betrayal, because they have seen so much of it;
• Fear of loneliness, sometimes leading to self-destructive choices in partners.

Naturally, we want to protect our kids from divorce so people attempt to resolve their problems by going to a marriage counselor. The dirty little secret in the industry is that you are likely to be worse instead of better after going to a marriage counselor. Here are some reasons why.

1. Marriage counselors have a horrendous 75% failure rate. That is defined as couples coming to them for counseling to save their marriage and get divorced in spite of the counseling.

2. Marriage counselors are not required to have any specific training in couples counseling, some of the most difficult counseling that there is.

3. Marriage counselors don’t really deal with problem resolution, they talk about feelings. This is about as effective as a reporter shoving a mic in front of a grieving relative and asking them how they feel.

4. Marriage counseling takes place one hour once a week. This is not effective. No other helping discipline works this way. If you went to a doctor to find that you have strep throat, you would not expect a doctor to give you just a little antibiotic and have him come back for months giving you just a little more antibiotic to cure the strep.

5. The reason that most couples divorce is the lack of conflict resolution skills. Traditional marriage counselors don’t teach this vital skill.

6. Too often marriage counselors are not marriage positive but take sides with one of the couple and suggest that they go ahead and get divorced. They don’t tell them about all the negative ramifications to children that the divorce will cause them.

The Solution
The answer is to search out marriage coaches. Marriage coaches deal with resolving problems in a short period of time. They are marriage positive. They tend to take a moderator or mediator role assuming an authority role and telling couples where they are doing it right or wrong. Marriage coaches have a much better success rate of 75%.
Many traditional marriage counselors are abandoning traditional counseling methods and instead are adopting a coaching paradigm in their practices. People like Michelle Weiner Davis of Divorce Busting and Dr. Harley of His Needs, Her Needs.

You can punch marriage coaches into Google to locate one. They will deal with you on the phone or on Yahoo IM. Barring that you could just email me at marrriagecoach1@yahoo.com .


Cleaning Up Communication In Conflict

April 29, 2010

                            

    Recently I ran into a firestorm on a blog about making what I thought was an innocent suggestion that women consider wearing something frilly and lacy to bed at night to please her husband.  The depth of anger  and hostility came as a shock to me.  I was called a predator, stalker,  wife beater rapist  and all manner of other vile names and descriptions.  It also illustrates the mob mentality where people are encouraged to jump in when they would not ordinarily do it themselves.  The individual conscience is put on hold and embraces the collective conscience where people are encouraged to do or say ever worsening comments and or behaviors.

     What it illustrated to me was a common complaint to me by men in my practice that women don’t make it safe for men to reveal their feelings because of fear of verbal reprisal.

     There is a difference between aggressive and assertive communication skills that should be pointed out.  Aggressive communication takes a disagreement and has the offended party lashing out with verbal bashing and  put downs.  What this does if to offend the other party where many times they strike back trying to top the previous insult.  This invariably descends into dysfunction.  What it DOES NOT DO IS RESOLVE THE PROBLEM.  It only adds to the problem and breaks down effective communication.  It pits people into hurling insults back and forth and they lose sight of problem resolution.  This is the stuff that divorces are made of.  I tell my clients to rent 3 movies and study them in depth and observe how art imitates life; The War of The Roses, The Breakup and The Prince of Tides.

     I teach my clients how to problem solve by assertive communication.  This   allows people to state their disagreements, give their reasons and respects the other person.  Handling conflicts in this manner respects both people and allows for continued  respect and trust in communication.  It is hard to trust a partner or a person who disagrees with you when they are going for your figurative jugular vein going in for the kill so to speak.

     In our western society, we are very aggressive in our dealings with one another.   We show little respect for someone who disagrees with us.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion and should not verbally assaulted because of it.  Name calling and insults are never appropriate.  Women are more guilty of this than men are.  For men, women hurling insults and put downs are the equivalent of getting punched in the face.  The problem is that he is powerless to defend himself against these assaults by women.  He can’t punch them out (or shouldn’t but sometimes does because the Fight or Flight Syndrome is in high gear and he explodes)

Hurling insults back and screaming back at the woman is also unseemly so he is stuck in a very unfair position.

    Bottom line is that if you want to be loved and respected, you have to give respect in return.  It is okay to disagree, it is not okay to be disagreeable in how you disagree.   Sometimes there is no way that either party is going to change their position.  This is okay, there does not have to be a winner.  It is okay to agree to disagree.  There is honor and respect in that, there is NO HONOR in hurling insults.

If you want help with your relationship, whether it is to solve fights or sexual issues, please drop me a line, I offer a free half hour consultation and offer a money back guarantee.


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