Before You Get Divorced, Read This

March 12, 2010


  People who get divorced just want the pain to stop.  Too often they think that getting away from an offending spouse will lessen the pain.  You think that it will simplify your life.

The answer to all of these notions is no it won’t, particularly when you have kids.  Many of you have considered getting divorced from your mate at some time in your marriage.

     Many of you have tried marriage counseling and it got you no where near resolving the problems.  Well that was not your fault.  Traditional marriage counseling fails 75% of the time.  This is the fault of the therapist and of the style of traditional marriage counseling.  When a marriage is in trouble, one hour once a week is not enough.  Would you go to a doctor with Strep throat and he told you that he would give you just a little bit of antibiotic now and  come back in a week and he would give you just a little bit more and to keep coming back for 28 weeks and he would have you all better.  That is of course a rhetorical question.  Marriage counseling is the only discipline that attempts to resolve the problem using this paradigm.

     The reason is that he can only see you once a week because that is all the insurance will pay for.  They have bean counters called actuaries who figure these things out and make rules accordingly.  The deal is that couples can’t stand the stress for that long and drop out long before the problems are resolved. 

     You need to seek out the services of a marriage coach.  They will see you in multi- hour sessions and help you to resolve your problems in a short period of time.  They can also deal with you on the phone or IM so that you don’t even have to go to their office.

     The reason that I am asking you to  reconsider is because of your kids.  Judith Wallerstein did a long term study on the effects of divorce upon kids.  They are devastating, even into adulthood.

     Dr. Ken Canfield is the President and founder of The National Center for Fathering.  He cites some sobering statistics of single parent families.  Kids are much more likely to drop out of school, do drugs and alcohol, and engage in sexual activity much sooner with girls often seeking out daddy love inappropriately with older men.  Boys seek out inappropriate father figures in gangs and drug kings.  There are subsequent divorces when parents with kids get remarried because of friction between step kids and other siblings causing stress between parents.

     Your best bet is to do your best to work things out.  I am willing to give you a half hour session for free to talk about things.  All you have to do is to drop me a line at my professional email address at

%d bloggers like this: