Sex and The Bible, Suprising Sex Positive Messages

February 9, 2011

Sex And The Bible, Surprising Sex Positive Messages Contained There

I originally posted this blog back of February last year. I was just starting out and did not have very many readers. Now a lot of people read my blog every day and I commend it to you for the sex positive messages contained in it.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

Most people would be surprised at the amount of biblical commands in the Bible about sex. They would be even more surprised at the number of positive commands regarding our sex lives. God wants us to have a rich full sexual relationship.Unfortunately, most people have the notion that you are not supposed to talk about sex in church. As a former minister of youth, I was castigated by some parents for teaching a high school class on the subject of what the bible defines as sexual sin. I was told: “you are not supposed to talk about sex in church.” I was singularly amazed because the Bible is what sets the standards for our life. It gives us rules for living. It also defines what is and is not sexual sin. These parents were actually mad at me for teaching the Bible in Sunday School to high school students whose hormones were all raging. It was interesting because the pastor’s 16 year old daughter was in on the class with her parent’s knowledge and blessing. I had thought about telling the parents in advance what I was going to teach, but thought better of it for fear that they would yank their kids out of the class that week. I knew enough to be prepared for the attack.

Jesus said in the Bible to: be wise as a serpent and yet harmless as a dove. Mathew 10:16. Following that mandate, I took the precaution of audio taping the class. I did not want there to be unfounded accusations that could not be defended against. Sure enough parents came in “guns blazing” and accusatory. I simply told them before they started castigating me they should take the tape home and listen to it and see what they found that was wrong or inappropriate. Of the three sets of parents who complained, not one of them would take the tape home and listen to it.
These feelings come about from long standing admonitions to little girls who grew up with the words of their parents in their ears, that: “good girls don’t do that”. That is a huge problem among couples today. When girls grow up to be women and it is time to embrace their sexuality, they can’t relax and be uninhibited with their husbands and enjoy their sexuality.

In a previous chapter, I referred to a course taught by a woman named Marabelle Morgan about how to love your husband including sexuality. We had her seminar coming to our church in 1975. Women were to read the book before the seminar took place.
We had some women object to the seminar conference because it contained sexual references as to how a woman is supposed to take care of her husband. This feeling prevails even today in churches. My question is: Do you think that God made a mistake? How about those references in the Bible about sex? Should we tear those out of the Bible? Pastors and Sunday school teachers don’t dare teach or preach on the subject. What happens is invariably you have women going on the attack and using shaming statements if men mention sex, especially in light of the fact that women are not fulfilling their role

Couples fight about the big three: money, sex and kids. The bible is very clear on sexual issues between husband and wife. Because fighting is common over sex, there is a scripturally mandated ministry in Titus 2:4-5 That they (the older women of the church) may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, (how to love including answering sexual questions), to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands that the word of God be not blasphemed. KJV

In essence, the Titus 2 ministry amounts to a school for sex for women in how to love their husbands. It was so imperative that it was explained in the scripture that it was to avoid causing blaspheming the Word of God.
Blasphemed translated from the Greek is blasphemeo. To: insult, slander, curse, speak evil of, reviled, defame, or railed upon.

As mentioned in the chapter on feminists, research shows that fully 60% of women only want sex once a week. Sadly they inflict that schedule on their husbands. This was also common in the biblical times. Now I know that there are exceptions and sometimes it is the wife with a high libido and a husband who does not want it as much. Our purpose is to cover the majority of the people out there. We will consider what the bible says as we are commanded to do in living our lives.

It says in Proverbs5:18-19 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as a loving hind and a pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee At All Times; and be thou Ravished Always with her love.
Most women feel that they have a perfect right to reject her husband’s sexual overtures any time she feels like it. This is what is taught by the feminists. On the other hand, when is the last time that you ever saw a feminist point anyone to Jesus? Is there any thing in the above passage that you could interpret to get that permission? “ Let her breasts satisfy thee At all times” means when the husband needs it. At all times means just that. It is really not open to interpretation. When the wife disobeys these biblical commands, it sets up a temptation for the husband and it ultimately means that the Word (instruction in the bible) is blasphemed.

The Bible often uses figurative and poetic speech to describe something. “Let thy fountain be blessed” is referring to the man’s penis. It is a wish and an admonition that he be gifted with children and that his wife takes care of him well.

“ Rejoice with the wife of your youth” is an interesting passage. God understood the sexual urge that he put into mankind. He set it out that under Jewish law, a boy was considered a “man” when he hit age 13, or roughly at the onset of puberty. Once puberty hits, he is full of raging hormones and needs sexual relief often sometimes more than once a day. To avoid sexual sin, adolescents were routinely married between the ages of 13 and 15 thus giving them a legal and moral sexual outlet for their relief. The young couple would then stay with one of the sets of parents until they were able to financially make it on their own.We have trampled on God’s plan and tell our children to wait until their twenties to get married. Is it any wonder that we have so much extra marital sex, unwanted pregnancies, and epidemic sexually transmitted diseases.

“ Let her be as a loving hind and a pleasant roe.” Again the bible uses figurative language here to compare a woman to a hind and a roe. The animals referred to here are deer and roebucks. In the animal world, mating is often marked with violence. You have heard cats squalling and hissing. The female goes through a lot of aggression and scratching before she submits to mating. Deer are just the opposite. They willingly mate with their bucks. They are probably the most beautiful and graceful animals in the animal kingdom. This is a supreme compliment to a woman to compare her mating with her husband like a female deer mating with her buck. The Bible goes on to reiterate this in comparing her to the roe or roebuck which is a type of mountain sheep, where mating takes place high on mountain cliffs. If the female roebuck does not mate willingly and cooperatively with the buck, then they could easily fall to their deaths from the high mountain cliffs where mating takes place, protected from predators.

Ravished always is a biblical word for not only giving your husband sex, but giving him GREAT SEX. Not just great sex, but again the always is reiterated. Always means always not just when you feel like it. The bible forbids us to be a “stumbling block” in Romans 14:13, Mathew 18:7. A stumbling block is causing someone by your actions or inactions that would cause that person to be tempted to sin. By denying your husband sex, you are a stumbling block to him.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevelolence; and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife doth not have power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, so that Satan tempt you not for your incontinence. I Corinthians 7:3-5

If you read this, there is no way that you can interpret that the wife has a right to say no to her husband. Nevertheless, so many of you do with impunity in defiance of God’s word. The Bible is always equalitarian. Notice too that the husband does not have the right to refuse his wife sexual relations. The only time that sex is supposed to be put on hold is with Mutual Consent by the husband and wife for a brief time of prayer and fasting.

So many women try to relate to their husband’s sexuality through their own. Men’s sexuality is driven by semen build-up. Remember the time when you were pregnant. It is a fact of life that a pregnant woman has to urinate more often because the baby is pressing on your bladder. You can’t help it. Now let us play role reversal here for a minute. Think about your husband feeling the same way as you do, because that is what a man’s sexual drive feels like. He does not have a choice when he needs relief. Let us role play here further. Imagine that you are in a car with him on a long trip and you are pregnant. You say: “honey, can you pull over because I have to go to the bathroom.” Now let us pretend that your husband answers you like so many women answer their husband’s requests for sex: “ What you have to pee again, is that all you can ever think about? Do you have a one track mind? What are you some kind of peeing pervert? I am tired; I don’t feel like pulling over. Leave me alone and quit bugging me. Listen, maybe tomorrow I will pull over and let you pee”. You women would declare war on us if we talked to you that way when you had to pee.

For the most part women want sex once a week. For the most part men want sex 3-5 times a week. Let us compromise and say you give it to him 4 times a week. I can just hear the screams and howls from you women now. ” No Way Am, I Doing It That Often”. The average act takes about 30 minutes start to finish. If you actually gave your husband sex 4 times a week, that would come to two hours. Now out of 168 hours in the week, that represents only slightly more than 1% of your time. I say that if you can’t give your husband 1% of your time to nurture him and love him, your priorities are all wrong. God wants 10% and you can’t give your husband a lousy 1%? This is why most men are not very romantic, they figure, why bother? Most women don’t understand that it is the woman that inspires men to romance by how they treat him. From the time that you were a little girl, you dreamed about Happily Ever After. The problem with that dream is that has always been self-centered. You imagine the prince gazing upon you with rapt attention, but you never understand that the prince has needs that you need to satisfy. I have never heard if a woman thinking about what her responsibilities to fulfilling his happily ever after wants and desires. Because you don’t satisfy them, he stops being romantic.

God in the Old Testament allowed multiple wives and concubines for men to be able to satisfy their generally higher sex drives. God allowed this so that men would not commit adultery. If the first wife turned him down for sex, he had back-up wives and/or concubines to take care of him sexually. In the Old Testament there are 121 references to multiple wives. There are also 39 references to men having concubines to satisfy their sexual desires which God allowed. God even specified laws to protect the wives and the concubines. Then in God’s progressive revelation, He changed it to where there was one man and one woman and it transitioned in Proverbs 31. The heart of the husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31: 11-12. Now many bible translators of newer modern language bibles incorrectly translate the Hebrew word for spoil here as meaning earthly gain. This is incorrect. The old fashioned term spoil comes from the spoils of war. This is where the invading army got to go in and take things from the homes of the killed opposing soldiers. Now it is true that spoil would be acquisition of goods from the houses, but it was also women that God allowed. In the Proverbs 31 passage, it is referring to concubines.

Spoil is both a noun and a verb. Sadad is a verb and the Hebrew word in the Old Testament meaning to: loot, plunder, or take spoils. Once the soldiers took all that they wanted, then they generally destroyed the houses and stuff that they did not want. This is one of the ways that Armies rewarded soldiers to literally risk death and put their lives on the line. The promise was that if they were victorious, they could go in and take rewards from the homes of the dead soldiers. You may have heard the term rape and pillage. This is what happened when the victorious soldiers came into the conquered cities. They would go through the houses and claim the women that they wanted by raping them and taking them captive. Once that was done then they ransacked the houses, taking any goods of value for their own. This act was called pillaging or spoiling.

Sod is a noun in Hebrew. It means what is left after the violence, rape and destruction. It means: desolation, destruction, spoiled, oppression and wasting. There are actually 11 different words in Hebrew for spoil.
One of the main things that they took were the women who were then destined to become secondary wives called concubines with a status only slightly above a slave. When the primary wife refused her husband’s sexual overtures, then it fell to the concubine to satisfy the man’s needs. Interestingly enough, the word for concubine in Hebrew is literally pilages. So in other words, the word pilages was literally transliterated out of the Hebrew and put into the English language equivalent word pillage.
And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goodsBut all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:9,18

But the women and the little ones, and the cattle, and the spoil thereof, shall you take unto yourself, and you shall eat the spoil of your enemies which the Lord your God has given to you. Deuteronomy 20:14

When you go forth to war against your enemies, and the Lord your God has delivered them into your hand and you have taken them captive, And you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you have a desire for her, that you would have her to be your wife; Then you shall bring her home to your house; and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in your house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month; and after that you shall go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be your wife. Deuteronomy 21:10-13

Have they not divided the prey, to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

Well Proverbs 31 is a transition to a having only one wife and no concubines. Here means that he shall have only one. This wife is now obligated to satisfy all of his sexual needs. She honors his trust in her by taking care of him sexually. It reiterates that she shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life. This was a huge transition time. Because the father was expected to take a more active role in rearing his children, he could not do that with multiple children with multiple wives. Transitioning to only one wife then allowed him fewer children to take care of. It also strengthened the family unit. With that in mind, how can you say that denying your husband sexual relations is doing him good?

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23

When a wife gives her husband sex willingly and lovingly and does not deny him, he becomes centered and balanced. He has a feeling of contentedness. This enables him to focus on his business or job and be quite productive which allows him to excel. This excellence gets him promotions, more money and respect of his peers and superiors.

It is further evidenced in the conclusion of Proverbs 31:28 where it states: Her children arise up, and call her blessed: her husband also, and he praises her. Men complain among themselves when their wives don’t take care of their sexual needs. On the other hand, if she does, he literally sings hers praises and tells people how lucky he is to have her. It is this feeling that causes him to do romantic things for her. Women, like it or not, if you want romance, you have to take care of your husband’s needs in such a way that he literally feels inspired to romance you. If you are not taking care of him, believe me, he has no desire or inspiration to romance you, only to resent you for starving him sexually.

This point is illustrated by the following Biblical passage: He (she) who sows sparingly shall also reap sparingly. II Corinthians 9:6 He wants sex, you want romance. Starve him for sex; you will be starved for romance.

Finally, as parents and our parents have done, we have put so much emphasis on “thou shalt not” to daughters, many can’t relax and enjoy their sexuality as the gift that God made it and intended for it. As a coach, this is a common thing that I work with women on. Freeing them from inhibitions to enjoy their sexuality. The bible addresses this issue in part in Hebrews 13:4 where it says:

Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled;

This means that there is nothing that you and your husband can do in bed that is wrong. This also freed the couple from the Old Testament laws of cleanness. For example in the Old Testament couples were forbidden to have sex during a woman’s period. She could not even go into the temple during her period. Also, if the couple had sex the night before temple, they were required to go through ceremonial washing 7 times before they were allowed to go into the temple. They were also required to wash the bed linens as well before going into the temple. So Hebrews 13:4 negated all of those Old Testament laws of cleanness.

You need to relax, enjoy your sexuality and understand that biblically you don’t have the right to say no. If you give it willingly and lovingly I promise that you will see your husband be much more attentive and actually develop some romantic tendencies. Whether or not the relationship succeeds or fails is largely up to you the wife. I will leave you with one last biblical warning:

“ Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one plucks it down with her hands.” Proverbs 14:1

The house being referred to here is her husband as in the house of David. We are not talking about actual construction issues. The Bible here is referring to building up your man with praise and respect. It also builds his self esteem when you give him sex willingly and lovingly

Let me give you some surprising biblical passages from the Song of Solomon:

A bundle of myrrh is my beloved unto me: he shall lie all night between my breasts. 1:13

I have a slang term for this that I call titty nuzzling. Sometimes when men are hurting and needing comfort, they want to get their face between your breasts, nuzzle, suckle and have you wrap your arms around his head and stroke him and comfort him.

I found him whom my soul loves: I held him and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother’s house. 3:4

You can just imagine this woman wrapping her arm around his arm tightly and pressing her breast against the back of his arm and walking with him.
Your two breasts are like two young does that are twins that feed among the lilies. 4:5 Here her man is admiring her breasts that she has already given to him willingly and lovingly and he is inspired to romance.

Your lips, Oh my spouse, drop as honeycomb; honey and milk are under your tongue;

Here again the man is inspired to romance as he is describing how wonderful it is to kiss her what it feels like to get oral sex from her willingly and lovingly given.

This your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree I will take hold of the boughs thereof; now also your breasts shall be as clusters of the vine7:7-8

Again the man is waxing poetic over the physical love and sex he enjoys from his wife. Clearly this woman is not saying no to sex with he husband. He describes how much he enjoys fondling her breasts.

I am my beloved’s and his desire is unto me. 7:10

The woman is glorying in the fact that her husband is faithful and loving to her because of how well she takes care of his sexual needs and feels good about herself, her husband and her marriage and how romantic he is to her. She feels loved cherished and secure, all because of the fact that she willingly and lovingly takes care of his sexual desires.

Try it God’s way for 30 days and you will be amazed at the difference in your marriage and ultimate happiness. Happily Ever After is possible if you follow God’s plan for marriage.

Finally let me once again reiterate to you women, if you want romance, you need to provide inspiration to your man by giving him sex willingly and lovingly when he needs it. You do not ever put him down for his sexuality. Women inspire men to romance and they are also the one’s who kill romance by their own actions. I ask you directly, what are you doing to romance your husband? Answer the question to yourself honestly. If you need to make improvements, make them and reap the benefits. Romance can’t be all one-sided.

For those of you who are Christians and attend church, go to your pastor and ask him why he has not taught or preached on these issues. He is responsible for teaching the whole Bible, not just selectively ignoring issues. Church is the most appropriate place to learn about sex. All you ever hear in church is negatives about sex. This is wrong. We need to be teaching people what a wonderful gift from God that sex is and can be.

The Most Sexually Satisfied City in The US

October 23, 2010

This is another great guest post from Lori Lowe and her blog Life Gems. She does a good job od doing a similar column to mine. When she has a really great one, I paste it into mine as a guest column. I heartilly recomennd her to you and your reading pleasure. Since I am about trying to promote more and better sex between couples and more stable marriages, this one is definitely a keeper.

The Most Sexually Satisfied City in the U.S.

Posted: 19 Oct 2010 06:56 AM PDT

I was as suprised as the next person when Men’s Health recently revealed the number-one sexually satisfied city in the U.S. Take a guess. I thought L.A.? New York? San Fancisco? Think Midwest, folks.

My own hometown of Indianapolis, Indiana, received the high honors, followed by Columbus, Ohio; Fort Wayne, Indiana; Cincinatti, Ohio; and Salt Lake City, Utah. Six of the top 10 slots were in the Midwest. Men’s Health says, “Just that the stretch of I-74 linking Indianapolis to fourth-place Cincinnati should hereafter be known as America’s Sex Drive.”

I’d love to hear your response to this survey. Do you think it’s accurate? And if so, why do you think Midwesterners are more “active”? Is it perhaps less competition for entertainment? The cold weather keeping us indoors? In any case, I think it’s a great opportunity to remind one another that you don’t have to live in an exotic city or look like movie stars to have a satisying sex life.

So, what is the key? I shared this as a guest post a while back, but wanted to add as a resource here…Find the Key to a Passionate Sex Life

A common complaint for long-term married couples is boredom in the bedroom. Yes, new love can be titillating, but having only one monogamous partner doesn’t mean your sex life shouldn’t be entirely fulfilling. In fact, allowing one partner to fully know your sexual needs, preferences and wishes can be ultimately much more fulfilling than having multiple partners. In the book Hot Monogamy—which lives up to its promise of offering “essential steps to more passionate, intimate lovemaking”—author Dr. Patricia Love gives some simple-to implement tips.

1.Deepen your emotional intimacy. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be personal. Be real. Sex is never boring when you are intimately connected.

2.Vary the amount of time you set aside for sex. Sometimes a quickie is just right, especially when it results from spontaneous desire. Often, the routine half-hour, before-bed lovemaking session is perfectly fine. These standbys are necessary with the busy schedules most of us have.

3.Take your time. Sometimes—perhaps once a month—try to set aside time for a leisurely time period (maybe an hour or more) during which you can share massages, creative sensuality, sharing of fantasies, or slowly pleasing one another. Dr. Love suggests adding 12 leisurely lovemaking sessions each year could improve your sex life more than most any other change. Once a month sounds fairly doable, don’t you think?

4.Get comfortable talking about sex with your spouse. The willingness to talk about sex, your desires, what you want and don’t want from your lover is critical to your sexual satisfaction. “More than any other factor, your ability to talk freely and honestly about sex is the key to a passionate sex life,” says Dr. Love.

5.Improve your body image. Accept yourself just as you are. If a low body image is keeping you from fully participating in or enjoying sex, talk about your insecurities with your spouse. Work to build confidence, which is sexy in any body. Read Loving a Woman’s Body for feedback from other couples. Dr. Love provides some very specific tips to overcome low body image in Hot Monogamy.

6.Understand that differences in sexual desire do not mean your partner is rejecting you. Most couples have one more highly sexed partner (generally the man), and higher testosterone levels are one important reason. Compromise and communication help overcome these differences.

7.Add romance to your daily life, particularly if you want your partner to become more interested in sexual intimacy. If you don’t know how to do that, simply ask your wife or husband for his or her top 10 suggestions! She or he will be more than happy to share.

Boredom outside of the bedroom can be just as deadly. Research shows conflict isn’t the only cause of divorce; boredom can kill a marriage. Being bored reduces closeness and slowly decreases marital satisfaction. Find shared fun activities and new adventures to keep your relationship exciting.

Ask your spouse what one thing she or he would like to improve about your sex life, or take the quiz in Hot Monogamy together to find specific areas of improvement.

12 Techniques Women Wished That Men Knew for Better Sex

September 18, 2010

I copied and pasted this great guest post from Men’s Health who does a pretty good job giving sex advice. The number one complaint that I get about men from women in my practice is that their men are lousy and self centered in bed. OUCH! Men, you need to do better in order to get more sex. Girls want to have fun to and climax as well. What she does not want is to feel like a piece of meat that you used to get off. So read the piece and learn something new today.

We scoured the latest studies, grilled dozens of experts, and polled more than 700 women to come up with this spankin’-new list of 12 rules guaranteed to make you a better lover—tonight.

By turning her fantasies into reality, she’ll be more likely to agree to act out your wildest sex dreams. And she’ll want sex more often, so things will only get better every time you get naked with her.
Greater Focus Leads to Hotter Sex
What’s the best way to unlock a woman’s wildest desires in bed? “Passion,” said 42 percent of the women we surveyed. “That means being in the moment and not being distracted,” says Joel Block, Ph. D., a Long Island-based psychologist and the author of Secrets of Better Sex. “Sex is a conversation, and she doesn’t want to feel like you wish you had your BlackBerry.”

A woman takes attendance during sex in many ways, and the strongest signal you can send comes from your mouth. More than 90 percent of women we surveyed said a man’s primal panting turns them on. But use words over Tarzan grunts, if you can. “You want to reassure her, ‘Do that more,’ ‘That feels so good,’ or ‘Oh, I love that,’ ” says Logan Levkoff, Ph. D., a New York City-based sexologist and the author of Third Base Ain’t What It Used to Be. Beyond giving her a confidence boost, the extra sensory seduction intensifies the experience.

Nonverbal communication is important, too. Bursts of eye contact, lip nibbles, and any other kind of physical or verbal communication shows her she’s the one pushing your buttons, not some fantasy fembot in your head. If the soulful eye lock’s not for you, bury your face in her neck, run the tip of your tongue from her collarbone to her earlobe, and whisper why she’s driving you crazy.

Foreplay Can Be the Main Event
“‘Foreplay’ is a terrible word because it implies that it’s leading to something more important,” says sexuality counselor Beverly Whipple, Ph. D., R. N., a coauthor of The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality. “You’ll both have more fun if you think of it as sex play and make it about discovering and enjoying each other, not just reaching the finish line.”

The women we surveyed agreed: Two in five said their last orgasm occurred during foreplay itself, not intercourse. What’s more, when asked to rank their partners’ bedroom skills, the women’s top two complaints were a lack of sexual creativity and subpar manual sex skills, in that order. Ouch.

Your move? Tell her you want to go three sack sessions sans penetration. Ditching the same old script—foreplay, sex, cuddling—will help your creative instincts spring to life. Bonus: Sexual novelty re-creates those early-relationship, take-me-now hormones, says psychiatrist Daniel Amen, M. D., the author of Sex on the Brain: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life.

Pleasure isn’t Satisfaction
The good news is you can give a woman both. In a Kinsey Institute study, both women and men agreed that sex without condoms feels better—but women said using protection actually helps them feel more satisfied overall in the sack. Even those using hormonal birth-control methods felt the effect: When they used condoms, they reported a 17.5 percent higher rate of overall satisfaction with their sex lives. Why? This one’s a no-brainer. When women worry less (say, about STDs), they enjoy themselves more.

Gentle” Means More than That
“That word is a woman’s code telling you to be more sensitive to her cues,” says Block. The more nerve-dense the hot spot is on a woman’s body, the more careful your approach should be.

Clitoral contact in particular feels abrasive without a proper warmup, says Lou Paget, a sex educator and the author of How to Be a Great Lover. If a woman yips or inhales suddenly when you go there—instead of purring or moaning—you’ve jumped the gun.

Use indirect stimulation first, paying careful attention to her reactions as a guide. The nerve-packed clitoris actually extends several inches under the skin on either side of her vagina (like a wishbone), which means you can massage it without direct pressure to the bud. Trace the extensions with flat, wide, extra-wet tongue strokes or slow finger zigzags. (Don’t forget lube.) Then rub a slow spiral around the top, drawing closer with each pass. The combo of anticipation and indirect contact will bring her pleasure centers to life.

If she coos, you’ve found her sweet spot. If she fidgets or gasps, take a step back.

Climate is Crucial for Climax
Egyptian cotton and dimmer switches can’t hurt, but your love chamber’s thermostat is just as important, according to Dutch sex researchers. “At the beginning of our trials, only 50 percent of our female subjects were able to reach orgasm,” says study author Gert Holstege, M. D., Ph. D., chairman of the center for uroneurology at the University of Groningen, in the Netherlands. “But we learned they were uncomfortable because they had cold feet. We gave them socks, and 80 percent reached orgasm.”

The socks aren’t the secret, though. “The amygdala and prefrontal cortex—the brain areas responsible for anxiety, fear, and danger signals—strongly decrease their activation during orgasm,” says Dr. Holstege. “A pleasant environment, which includes the room temperature, is an important part of making her feel safe, secure, and comfortable,” he adds.

“Imagine the ideal day at the beach,” says Tristan Taormino, director of Vivid Entertainment’s porn series Chemistry. “You want it just warm enough that she’s happy to shed a layer or two, but not so hot that you’ll end up drenched once you exert yourself.

Positions Need a Purpose
“There’s no need to be overly fancy during sex—the very best positions are the ones that focus on the clitoris,” says Levkoff. Want to amp up her pleasure without risking a hamstring cramp? Ditch the flesh pretzel for these modified standards. They’re all designed to boost stimulation to her clitoris, which has even more nerve endings than the head of your penis.

1. Missionary
Instead of in-and-out thrusting, “have her grind against you in circles,” says sex expert Tracey Cox, author of Secrets of a Supersexpert. “Keep as much of the base of your penis in contact with her outer lips as possible.” Another option: Place two or three pillows under her butt to lift it off the bed at an angle. You’ll rub against her more when thrusting.

2. Girl on Top
Make a V with two fingers, and place it so the point of the V (just between the two knuckles) is directly over her clitoris. Your fingers should come down on either side of your penis as she rides you. “This will stimulate the clitoris, inner labia, and urethra—as well as add intensity for you,” Cox says.

3. Doggy-Style
“Have her lift her butt up or spread out your legs to move down and touch the supersensitive vaginal wall,” Cox says. Then reach around to play with her clitoris using your fingers. (Use a small vibrator for extra intensity.) For over-the-top stimulation of her most nerve-packed parts, “keep thrusting short and shallow, rather than deep and fast.”

Don’t End Quickies with “Thanks!”
Only half of all women can reach orgasm when sex lasts 10 minutes or less, according to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “That means during a quickie, you’ll probably finish and she won’t,” says Levkoff.

If she doesn’t orgasm, make sure you’ll have access to future rapid-fire sessions by saying, “Later tonight, it’s going to be all about you.” Then follow through on that promise. Leave her hanging too many times, and she won’t stick around for long.

The G-Spot Has Friends. Find Them
You’re goal-oriented. Good. But the G-spot and the clitoris aren’t the only bull’s-eyes. “The most recent anatomical research suggests that the clitoris is perhaps better described as the ‘clitoral complex,’ where the vagina, urethra, and clitoris all function as a unit rather than as individual parts,” explains Kinsey Institute researcher and Men’s Health columnist Debby Herbenick, Ph. D.

Try working that clitoral complex by hitting multiple hot spots at once. Some researchers believe there’s something called an A-spot, located far inside the vagina on the side closest to her belly button. “Stroke this spot and she’ll lubricate almost instantly,” Cox says. “Put one lubed finger into her vagina as far as it will comfortably go. Use the whole length of your finger to explore the front wall of her vagina.”

Now triple the sensation: Stick both index and middle finger inside her, and stick out your thumb like you’re hitchhiking. It’ll pull your fingers more snugly against her vaginal walls, stimulating both A-spot and G-spot simultaneously. Then use your thumb to also stimulate her clitoris, and gently twist your hand

“Ready” is All Relative
“Just because a woman is lubricated doesn’t mean she’s ready for sex,” says Richters. Your woman’s real prime time comes once she reaches a phase of arousal called “uterine tenting.” It’s just like it sounds: The uterus backs out of the way and the vagina grows in length by as much as an inch.

“You’ll experience deeper penetration, and the vagina will provide an intense grip to the head of your penis,” says Barbara Keesling, Ph. D., a lecturer on human sexuality at California State University at Fullerton and the author of Men in Bed. “The orgasms are incredible.”

Keesling says the best position is the butterfly: “Have her lie on her back and pull her knees up to her shoulders, tilting her pelvis so her vagina points up almost to the ceiling,” she says.

Since tenting can take anywhere from 30 seconds to, well, forever, focus on synchronizing the stimulation between your penis and her outer lips before entering her. Lie pressed against each other with your penis snug between her legs, allowing her to slide and rub against you while you use your hands and mouth elsewhere. The warm, slick, and firm contact will bring her to a boil in no time.

Want to Have Sex? Do the Dishes
“If a woman is distracted by anything—work, lack of sleep, chores, a fight she had with a friend—it can interfere with her arousal,” says Whipple. Seven in 10 women we surveyed said helping around the home was a turn-on, but men do only about 30 percent of the chores, according to the Council on Contemporary Families. The women we surveyed said they’d be most grateful if you did the dishes, cooked dinner, and did the laundry, in that order. Score bonus points: Don’t brag

Don’t Make Orgasm Your Only Goal
Desperation sinks her sex drive: A 2008 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that stress about sexual performance significantly decreases female arousal.

“Whatever you do, don’t look up and ask, ‘Are you close?’ or ‘Did you come?'” Whipple says. “It’s distracting, and it adds unnecessary pressure.” See if you’re on the right track by asking questions such as, “Do you like that?” and “Should I keep doing that?” instead.

And if you’re waiting for her to reach orgasm during penetration, it’s sometimes better to finish first, rather than holding out for half an hour. “Women don’t have orgasms every time, and they know it’s not necessarily their partner’s fault,” Whipple says.

So take turns, Levkoff says. “You can always go back and use your hands and fingers to please her, if she’s still turned on.”

Why Many Women Have Such Ambivalence Over Sex

August 13, 2010

I have been on a lot of blogs on here and have been really beaten up by some women. My sin, suggesting to them that they wear frilly lacy lingerie to please their husbands. You would have thought I was the vilest man ever to come down the pike based upon their hateful condescending remarks.

I have talked to many women about this. It would seem that a lot of women have issues with their body image. It would seem that lingerie is as threatening to women as bathing suits. So instead of saying that they resort to put downs and name calling and shaming statements. Now I am a marriage, relationship and sexual coach. It is my job to help women over these negative feelings about their sexuality. Listen women, you are your own worst critics. You don’t need to be model thin or have a perfect body to please your husband. He is not going to be turned off seeing you in lacy lingerie, but will really appreciate your efforts on his behalf. Romance works both ways after all, or at least it should.

I want to help free women to enjoy their sexuality and revel in it. It is in large part to our puritanical heritage and churches that teach little girls that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it. By the time that they are old enough to embrace their sexuality they are so negatively conditioned that they never fully outgrow the negative image.

This is evidenced in many ways with women. I was recently on another blog where the women confessed that they really had a problem talking dirty to their boyfriends or husbands. I was on another blog where women bragged about being as foul mouthed and cursing as men, and yet still they have a problem bringing that into the bedroom and incorporating it into their love lives.

Many women have problems being sexually adventurous in engaging fantasies or giving their men full blow jobs. Even more so hate the idea of anal sex. Sex is one of the big 3 that couples fight about. This is sad. You have already read kdaddy’s blog about how badly men feel when their women refuse them sex or refuse requests in the bedroom.
Now that is not to say that women don’t have legitimate complaints about men, and sometimes men’s attitudes.

Women, the Bible is filled with positive commands to have a great sex life. It says that there is nothing that you can do in bed with your husband’s that is wrong in Hebrews 13:4.

I am suggesting to you to re-think your attitudes about sex. Shed those inhibitions; revel in sex with your husband. Scream when you come. Studies show that when you grunt or scream you can improve by 20%. It would be music to your man’s ears.
More importantly is to have a dialog with your husband. Explain to him what your inhibitions are based upon. This might take some introspection on your part to get down to what is really bothering you. I know that for too many of you, you are hiding past sexual abuse that you have never told anyone including your husband. You can get relief for this by dealing with it with an experienced counselor. Too many of you feel like it was somehow it was your fault. For many of you, you feel damaged and dirty. This is negative thinking. It was not your fault. I too was sexually abused and know the shame of that. I got help with it and it is nothing more to me now than an unfortunate experience in my life.

What I am suggesting is to stop making sex a negative and turn it into a positive bonding experience between you and your husband. You will find that your husband will blossom in this environment. This has been proved in the past. Marabelle Morgan of The Total Woman fame taught women this and saved thousands of marriages and made a whole lot more marriages great. Women could not believe the difference in their husbands and how much more romantic they became, more loving and caring, more tender. Dr Laura Schlesinger suggests the same things. Michelle Wiener Davis of Divorce Busting suggests to women to just do it even if you don’t particularly feel like it because it pays real dividends in the marriage. I suggest putting it to the test for yourself. Commit to one month to do it with your husband any time he wants it. Buy some new frilly lingerie and wear it for him willingly without any grudging or griping. Give him what he wants in bed. After 30 days evaluate for yourself the difference in your marriage and see if I am not right.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

Why Women Turn Men Down For Sex and The Ramifications of That Decision

August 11, 2010

This is a repost of Kdaddy’s blog and his response to my piece on 20 Reasons To Have Sex. He goes into greater detail over the interpersonal dynamics of men women relationships. He tends to be long winded but goes into much greater detail. I commend his thought provoking prose to you for your consideration. I invite comments from both men and women on this important topic.

I was just reading fellow blogger John’s post on 20 Reasons To Have Sex and his
opening, wow, this is one irate marriage counselor when it comes to women who deny their men sex! I won’t profess to know exactly why this happens… but I’m willing to take a stab at it.

Once women became fully empowered and thus so in relationships, the whole thing changed, beginning with the traditional marriage vows and, specifically, the part that used to say, “…love, honor and obey…” Empowered women jumped all over this once-standard phrase like a pack of starving piranhas and, today, that phrase no longer exists in traditional Christian marriage vows. Right along with that, another “tradition” – more like the unwritten rule, probably, is the whole thing about wifely duties – and they weren’t talking about cooking and cleaning; it’s the thing that says that if you’re a woman and getting married, you are expected and required to have sex with your husband, not when you want to, but whenever he does.

Oh, the girls weren’t liking that one! After a lot of years of husbands exercising this “right,” some gal somewhere got her husband arrested and jailed for marital rape – and a new trend came into existence. Not only are women not going to obey, but they’re not going to have sex with you if they don’t want to – and almost every court in this country will back that up.

It’s not that women don’t know that, yeah, that’s all part of the being married thing – chances are, it’s one of reasons why she married you in the first place. What I believe is going on behind the scenes of this is kinda simple yet not so simple. Women just don’t think about sex as much or as often as men do – everyone knows this. But this is what I kinda figured out: If she’s not thinking about sex, you’re not supposed to be thinking about it either. It’s simple; you want to do the horizontal bop with her because, yeah, it’s one of the reasons why you married her… but it’s the last thing on her mind.

Problems escalate at this point because, yup, there are some women you just can’t talk to about this. Bring it up and they’ll say, “Yeah, so what? Just because you always want to do it doesn’t me I want to… or have to!” Some husbands go Old Testament on their wives, reminding them of their marriage vows; it’s a good arguing point but, ah, go back and read those vows. As any wife will tell you – and how they know this is beyond me – there is nothing in those vows that says she has to screw you whenever you want it; it’s not written but it is implied and that, gentlemen, makes all the difference in the world. Add to this that any time you have sex with a woman and she didn’t want to do it, it is technically rape, a crime that can get you a life sentence if convicted. Wind up in criminal court over this and, homey, you’re going to jail; however, in a divorce court, you could win your freedom by invoking loss of consort; if nothing else, girlfriend or her lawyer gets to explain to the divorce judge why she’s not doing what she’s expected to do by virtue of being married.

Oh, man, what a pretty mess this is! Of course, what usually happens in such situations is that the husband will go and find someone else who does want to have sex with him more often. If he gets busted – and he will – the wife’s gonna nail his ass to the wall in some way and the kicker is that he’s gonna get his head handed to him for doing something that’s technically illegal and morally wrong because his wife doesn’t want to.

I don’t think this is a matter of all women being bra-burning, man-hating creatures; I actually believe that the discrepancy in this came around because of their empowerment; they just have too much stuff running around in their heads for sex to be a big deal for them. That they do have so much on their minds at any one time can either depress them or even anger them and being married to a guy who’s literally walking around with a boner all the time and howling at the moon, well, just gets on her last good nerve and advances are met with the question, “Is that all you think about?”

Well, no, it’s not, honey… but, yeah, it’s on my mind all the time. It’s one of the reasons why I married you because I love having sex with you! When we were dating, we had sex damn near all of the time… so what happened after we got married?”

Say this to her… then watch what might happen. She might even agree with you that this part of the marriage has drastically changed; she knows it, understands how important it is to you and the marriage, and good luck getting this back on track because every reason she’s going to give you for the change won’t make any sense to you, which will be every variation of “I don’t feel like it” that you’ve ever heard and maybe some that you’ve never heard before.

Yeah, it very well could be that you are the reason why she doesn’t want to have sex with you; if this is the case, I can pretty much guarantee you that you will not like what’s she’s going to say about you in this. In the thirty some-odd years I was married to my first wife, I heard so much stuff about why she didn’t want to have sex with me that either pissed me off or made me so depressed it wasn’t funny. And, yes, when she blamed me for not wanting to have sex, the reasons she gave made me want to punch her in the face… but I never did.

You could show your wife the twenty reasons for having sex; she might understand them or she might think this is another ruse on your part to get into her panties when she doesn’t want you there. Even the most patient of men are going to get to the point where this behavior just isn’t going to be tolerated – and all this is going to do is cause more problems in the marriage. It’s easy to say to a woman that if you don’t want your man to be cheating on you, fuck him – and that’s supposed to be in the good way. However, even women who know the answer to keeping him out of someone else’s bed just won’t do it; I think that the idea of him cheating on her just adds to whatever issues are ricocheting around in her head.

At some point, the husband “gets used” to not having sex with his wife, “gets used” to not expecting it… and when she surprises him with some sex, well, it has mixed results depending on why she’s decided to give it up to him. She’s either decided to give in to her horniness, which has found time to appear… or she’s figured that it’s time to give him some just to keep him quiet about it. If it’s the latter, there are some men who can actually sense this and know that she’s not really doing it because she wants to – she’s doing it because she feels she has to and that actually doesn’t make the situation any better. Sometimes, the husband’s response is not as expected and that’ll create a whole new set of reasons why she’s not going to give it up for a while after this.

I know for myself, I could tell when my ex really wanted to and when she was giving me some just to keep me from bringing it up – and it was a different as night and day. If it was a mercy fuck, well, I got to the point where I could recognize this… then tell her never mind; I would have rather she fuck me because she wanted to, not because she felt sorry for me in this.

There’s really not a whole lot that can be done about this. You can go to counseling, you can beg, plead, and even threaten to get it elsewhere… and that’s not going to fix anything. If anything, it’s just going to create more resentment in the wife and maybe even to the point where she’s so tired of you begging for the pussy like Keith Sweat that it’ll make her give it to someone else. Yeah, the female mind does and can work like that… She will see you as unappreciative, assume that you no longer love and respect her, and decide it’s time to find someone who will appreciate the woman she is and all she has to offer.

The funny thing about this is that if she does cheat – and it’ll be your fault, by the way – the lucky guy will, for a time, be getting all the booty you were supposed to get… until she does the same thing to him that she did to you: If I don’t feel like it, you shouldn’t either; if I’m not thinking about it, you’re not supposed to think about it either. The cycle repeats itself and now some other guy is wondering why this very sexy lady doesn’t want to have sex with him any longer.

A woman will tell you in a heartbeat that no matter what anyone says, it’s her body and she has the right to decide whether or not she wants to give it up. Once this is invoked, fellas, you can pretty much forget getting any from her. It’s about rights and empowerment and goes along with what I said yesterday about tradition getting kicked to the curb in favor of something else, except in this case, it’s not a good thing that’s happening. The dynamic changed a long time ago now and there will be no going back in this. You can argue logically and successfully that sex in the relationship is important – hey, she might even agree with you… which has absolutely nothing to do with anything in her mind.

She’ll come back and tell you emphatically that relationships should not be just about sex, that it shouldn’t be the most important thing in the relationship and that she has value beyond that. And she’s right… but. See, it’s my position that people who think sex isn’t that important in a relationship are, frankly and bluntly, lying to themselves and each other. It is very important and, as John’s blog pointed out, one of the three reasons why relationships fail and just might be the number one reason why they do.

She might even know this – women are smart, after all. Does any of this make a difference to her? Nope, not one iota. It’s one of the reasons why men insist that women are the most insane people on the planet; they want to be seen as sexy and desirable and will rip your head off when you respond to them in that way. It’s only something that makes sense to women and I’ve had lots of women explain this behavior to me and even as intelligent as I think I am, I don’t understand it – I don’t think I ever will.

A woman will tell you that this is part of their mystique and she has to have something that’ll keep you coming back for more – and we all get that… except when we do come back for more, ah, you’re not of a mind to give it to us. And women want to know why we get so angry and confused where they’re concerned? Traditional marriage stuff says that a wife should never, ever, deny sex to her husband and you’d probably have to pick up your bible to find any written reference to this – John, you probably know this better than I do. So while this might be biblical, as I said back in the beginning of this, it does not appear anywhere in modern marriage vows of the Christian variety; I cannot speak to what other religions or ceremonies dictate or mandate in this (maybe John knows this, too).

So, yeah, if she didn’t vow to fuck you, hmm, she’s not going to and even more so if you demand that she does. Throw your vows at her and she will beat you over the head with them; get biblical on her and I hope you’re wearing a cup and full body armor when you do. Let’s face it, guys; if she doesn’t want to fuck you, there is nothing you can do to get her to do it short of raping her – and we’ve all heard what they do to rapists in prison, haven’t we? You can threaten her with cheating – good luck with that one. Hell, she might even tell you to go ahead and do it… and I hope you have a good lawyer when you do.

We’re supposed to understand why our women will not have sex with us and, really, some of the reasons aren’t that hard to understand. Understanding them, most of the time, is easy; doing something about it is an entirely different kettle of fish. You say, “Okay, honey, I think I understand this – but what do we do about it?”

I’d say the majority of the time, the answer to this question will be, “I don’t know.” Ask her what it is you need to do and she’ll either say she doesn’t know, ask you to be understanding, and ask you to be patient in this. Um, ladies, some guys just ain’t good with some of this and, as I mentioned, even the most patient man will eventually run out of patience because waiting for her to come back around can take years.

I hope masturbation is something you enjoy…

There is no logical or emotional argument that will be effective and get you what you want from her; there’s just nothing you can do except change the relationship in some way – and that’s usually by divorcing her. There are probably only a handful of men who can be in a relationship without any prospect of sex – and they are definitely in the minority. Now, if you remember my rantings and ravings about people doing whatever’s necessary to preserve the relationship, she might even agree to some changes; hell, those changes just might even get her back on track, rejuvenating her as it were.

Realistically, though, this ain’t likely to happen. To suggest such changes will be seen as an affront to her, the ultimate form of disrespect for her as a wife and a woman and, yes, sir, you will pay dearly for this; hell, she might even give it up to someone else because, to her, you just don’t appreciate what she has to offer so someone else will. What is worse, in my opinion, is that if she doesn’t do this (and there’s no guarantee that she won’t), she will withdraw further into herself, becoming a mere shell of the person you met and fell in love with and from there, no aspect of your relationship will ever be the same again.

Of course, it goes almost without saying that not all women behave like this; there are some women who’ll just flat out wear you out because they want the sex – and you – every chance available and the only problem at this point is if you can’t keep up with her and she expects you to be able to. Some women accept the implied directive to give it up to her husband when he wants it – they don’t have a problem with because they firmly believe it’s their duty to do so. When that woman says, “I don’t feel like it right now,” husbands aren’t going to complain a whole lot because she rarely doesn’t feel like it; to this end, the law of averages says that maybe 2 out of 10 times, she won’t feel like it for some reason and, yep, that’s okay because those other eight times, the two of you are knocking holes in the walls, breaking beds, etc.

To John and other counselors out there, fellas, you can say whatever you want to women about this and if they’ve decided they’re not going to do it – and because it’s their lawful right not to – nothing you are going to say is going to change her mind. Period. You may succeed in getting her to see the logic and common sense in this – and they just might get it – but just because they know and understand this doesn’t mean compliance.

I even invite any women who might read this to give their opinions about this; sometimes, if we, as men, understand the situation, it makes it a bit easier to deal with – well, some of us can. As a man, I know how this makes me feel and none of it is good. It can make us feel impotent, useless, and worthless; it can anger us to the point of doing something we might regret later or depress us to the point of not caring. It does make us feel unloved and creates self-doubt within us. And it’s not as if women don’t understand the impact on us but when you’re a guy going through this, it looks as if you just don’t care about this and that you’re only concerned with yourself and not our union. Yeah, I know we’re just as guilty of this so, no, I’m not picking on women; if anything, we can be even more brutal about this than women can be and I’ve seen some men react so badly to this that it makes me ashamed to be a man.

The more you poke a woman about this, the worse the problem becomes; they do not want you reminding them of this and doing so only creates more resistance and further erodes the relationship. They will, invariably, see this as something that’s all about you and she will ask, “What about what I want?” It’s a legit question but the assumption we make as men is that when it comes to sex, it’s something you want, too – or were we wrong? Did we somehow misunderstand something in this regard? Did you, in fact, lie to us about your sexual desire for us?

I’m done here. This whole scenario is the reason why I speak to the alternatives that can be applied to preserve the relationship if they can work. It’s something that both husband and wife have to come to terms with, to realize that, yes, my love, sex is important to the both of us and our existence as a couple – what can we do to remedy this? Can it be remedied or are we done as husband and wife? I don’t have the answers, just my thoughts and opinions on this…

What Women Want From A Man in a Relationship

August 3, 2010

It only seems fair that since the previous post was about what men wanted in a relationship with a woman, I should post one on what women want in a relationship with a guy.

First of all, a woman wants a man to treat her well and be gentle with her. The bible says that the woman is the “weaker vessel”. God gave us superior strength to protect women not to use it against them. The ultimate definition of a real man is one who is strong and yet knows when to show gentleness. This is also true with his children. Children are remarkably soft and malleable and hurt easily. A woman wants to know that the man is trustworthy with kids and will be a good dad. (A personal aside from the author, I consider being a dad the most important job any man can have,)

A woman also wants a man who is charming but won’t hit on her friends. It is important that you like or at least tolerate her friends but hitting on or leering at them is absolutely out of bounds.

A woman wants to feel special with you. The way to show that is to always remember her birthday and your anniversary. Carve it in stone, mark it on your calendar but don’t forget. These things are special to a woman and she wants you to remember her with a thoughtful gift.

A woman wants a little romance. Just because you are getting it regularly from her is no reason to stop the romance. Ocasional flowers for just because are always nice. You get double brownie points if you have them delivered to her work in front of her coworkers. Another use of flowers is to strip them of their petals and sprinkle them on the turned down bed with some candles lit. She will be especially passionate if you do this, especially if you couple it with a hot bubble bath. You can either wash her or get in the tub with her.

When it comes to sex, it should always be ladies first when it comes to orgasms. Study a little technique on how to pleasure a woman. Then ask her what she likes and wants. Tell her you really want to please her.

Finally, when it comes to housework, it should be an even division of labor especially if she is working outside the home. If you want more sex from her you need to do more around the house. There is nothing unmanly about cleaning a shower or toilet or doing a load of laundry or dishes. Remember the weaker vessel. If she is working outside the home she is exhausted when she gets home too. It makes her want to scream at you when you sit around all night watching tv while she does housework and then you want her to put out at night. This is the single biggest complaint I get from women clients in my practice, Men you need to do it better.

Ladies, I would be happy for you to add your comments if I have missed anything. Let us hear what is on your mind.
Blessings on you and yours.

What Men Want From Women In A Relationship

July 31, 2010

You might be surprised that sex is not the number one thing that men want from a woman. What they want and so few women are willing to give is respect. We live in a society that is infected with misandry. (reverse sexism by women against men) You see it even in the commercials where men are portrayed as the hapless boob who has once again gotten himself and/or his family into trouble once again. Then the “heroic woman” swoops into to save the day all the while tossing off condescending remarks to her husband.

Women you must always show your husband respect if you want to keep him. That means when you don’t feel like it. Disrespectful things said to him will be burned into his brain and his heart forever. You need to control that tongue when you are mad at him. Believe it or not, men are very sensitive creatures, they just don’t show it most of the time. The reason for this is because it is considered weak. He is every bit as sensitive as you are.

You dreamed about happily ever after but did you ever think about what happily ever after looked like to your husband? He saw it as a wife who would take care of his sexual needs when he wanted it. The statistics show that 60% of married women have their husbands on a diet of sex once a week or less. The average guy needs it 3 to 4 times a week.

Men also saw happily ever after as their wives being sexually adventurous with them and be without inhibitions. They also saw their wives as wearing sexy lingerie for them because men are visually motivated.
So bottom line is men want women to be their best friends and not their critic in chief. They want to be respected and appreciated for how hard they work to take care of you. And they want a fun loving and satisfactory sex life with you that you willingly and lovingly engage in. They want to see you in frilly lingerie. They want you to shed those inhibitions and do things in bed with him that he enjoys.
Follow my advice and you will have a great relationship. I am willing to bet if you found out that he had terminal cancer and had only a few weeks to live, that you would change your ways. You should live like that because you never know when you or him will die.

I have given these same suggestions on some other sites and some women have come out of the woodwork attacking me as a pervert. I have even had some men attack me. Like it or not this is what the vast majority of men are looking for in a relationship. I am just the messenger.

Sexual Foreplay and After Play, Be a Hero In The Bedroom

June 21, 2010


As a marriage, relationship, and sexual coach, I can’t believe how much lousy sex is happening out there. Maybe you are experiencing less than great sex with the man in your life or past men in your life. As a man speaking in defense of men, there is really no place for men to learn how to give our partners great sex. There is no SCHOOL FOR SEX out there. We all know where the body parts go, but men for the most part do not adequately understand a woman’s sexuality and how to give you fantastic sex. It is for this reason that I am writing this article. If you share this article with the man that you care about and tell him that you would really like to experience these things and ask him to do them with you, I promise, you will have better more enjoyable sex.

In conversations with women, I have come to understand that you need a transition period from the rat race to moving towards making love with your man. Most of you don’t have an “instant on” like men.

1. Brushing Hair Now I realize that for most of you, you are not necessarily going to get sexually aroused from having your hair brushed. What it does however is to give you that transition time to move towards sexual availability. The act of having your hair brushed is very pleasurable and releases endorphins in the brain. You feel pampered and that pampered feeling then causes you to have affectionate feelings towards your man. Five to ten minutes of hair brushing is a wonderful way to decompress from the daily grind. Animals instinctively groom each other and is something that we should do more. Your life will be better with more tactile stimulation.

2. Head to Toe Massage This technique has worked for me with every partner that I have ever been with. It is so effective as an arousal technique that I had an ex wife who would not make love with me unless I gave her a massage first. I start by stoking and lightly scratching a woman’s scalp with my fingernails. I then proceed from her neck all the way down to her feet. I spend more time massaging a woman’s butt like I am kneading bread. You have nerve endings in your butt that you did not even know that you have. I have never failed getting a woman wet from massaging her butt. I go on down and spend time massaging her feet. There is good reason for this. All of the nerve endings in your body terminate in your feet. By massaging the feet, you stimulate and wake up all of the nerves in a woman’s body. It prepares the rest of her body to be stimulated and aroused.

3. Let Your Man Undress You But Stop Him at Bra and Panties. (Author’s aside: So many of you out there are wearing utilitarian underwear, white nylon panties with no lace and a functional bra. Men get turned on visually, make sure that you have lacy and frilly bras and panties. Would you want a present that was not nicely wrapped or a cake with no frosting on it? Men need to see you in lacy and frilly lingerie.) The logic behind the man undressing you and having you stop him at bra and panties is to slow him down. The act of undressing you is a turn on for both of you as well. I tell my clients sex feels good, why rush it. Far too many men treat lovemaking like they do masturbation, they want to get it over in a hurry. Once you are down to bra and panties, have him continue a different variation of massage by lightly and slowly running fingertips up and down your entire body on both sides. This is incredibly arousing for you.

4. Lightly Stroke Nipples Through The Bra The idea behind keeping those bras and panties on and slowing down also reminds us of a bygone time in high school where we were furtively fondling. It adds to the excitement. Having your man lightly stroking your nipples through the bra gets them erect. Then let him slide his hand inside the cup of the bra before you allow him to remove your bra, all the while kissing you. Then he can remove the bra and proceed to more vigorous stimulation of your breasts and nipples by sucking them hard and fondling your breasts.

5. Stimulate you and stroke you through your panties Have him lightly stoke the midline of your vagina back and forth through your panties. Then have him blow hot breath through the panties over your clitoris. The warmth of his breath and the pressure of his lips on your mound through the panties is wonderfully arousing. Then have your man hook a finger inside the leg band of your panties and have him run his finger up and down inside the leg-band of the panties on both sides without actually touching your vagina. This will have you becoming very aroused and getting wet. After a few minutes of him doing this, then you can let him slide his hand inside your panties. It is not only arousing but brings back those memories of heavy petting in high school or maybe even junior high for some of you. After an extended session of this, then have him pull your panties off very slowly. The slow removal of panties is very erotic and sensual. If you really want to turn it up a notch and get passionate, have him literally rip your panties off by hooking his hand in the waistband and with one very strong yank, literally rip them off of you. What you lose by the panties being ruined, you gain in tremendous arousal. Every partner that I have ever done this with has gotten incredibly turned on because of the fear and the excitement that the act engenders in them. Most women like to be taken forcefully sometimes by a strong confident man.

6. Vaginal Penetration with the Tongue. Most men naturally go for your clitty (author’s slang term for clitoris. It sounds much cuter and not so damned clinical). Instead ask him to run his tongue up and down between your vaginal lips and then have him penetrate your vagina repeatedly with his tongue. You will find this incredibly arousing and better prepares your clitty for stimulation with his tongue.

7. Clitty Stimulation Techniques Instead of licking your clitty right away, have him gently pull back the foreskin (yes the hood over your clitty is analogous to a man’s foreskin on an uncircumcised penis.) He then can suck on your clitty like he is sucking a milkshake though a straw. This will cause your clitty to swell from engorging with blood similar to a man getting an erection. It will actually lengthen and grow in circumference similar to a man’s erection. He then can move up and down like you do giving him a blow job. It is a clitty blow job and feels wonderful. After a few minutes of that he can use what I call the “machine gun tongue”. This is a super fast stroking of your clitty with his tongue that will give you powerful orgasms. The way to do that is to have him flex his tongue against his upper lip to use as a spring and forcefully flick his tongue past that upper lip onto your clitty. This enables him to move his tongue much faster simulating a vibrator. For even more stimulation, have him growl like a bear while he is doing this. The act of growling makes his vocal cords vibrate which will then transmit those vibrations through his tongue onto your clitty.

8. Multi-sensory Inputs As you know, most women are better at multi-tasking than are men. Lovemaking is one area where you would benefit by encouraging your man to multi-task. While he is licking and sucking on your clitty, he can be penetrating your vagina with his fingers in and out with one hand and rolling your nipple around in his fingers with the other hand. The additional stimuli you will find very arousing. There is a precedent for this. Phil Spectre pioneered what he called the “Wall of Sound”. This technique involved adding multiple tracks of sound for a lusher musical auditory experience. Chefs use what they call “Adding layers of Flavor”. The point is, the multi-sensory inputs mean better pleasure for you just like in cooking and music.

9. Anal Stimulation Many people view this as a taboo. That is too bad because there are incredible pleasure nerve endings in the anus. This is of course when you want to be squeaky clean maybe just after a romantic shower for two. If you want to be absolutely antiseptic (which is not necessary, I have never gotten sick from giving a partner a “rim job”) you can take an antiseptic baby wipe and wrap it around a finger and clean the inside of the anus. At any rate have your man lick the anus and then penetrate your anus with his tongue in and out. Have him spread your butt cheeks apart so that he can enter it even deeper with his tongue. Once you get past the idea and let yourself go (and him too) you will find that it is incredibly arousing. Be willing to do it to your guy as it is very pleasurable for us as well. In another article I will explain how to have anal sex and that you can actually climax with anal sex. This article is about foreplay not actual intercourse.

10. Stroking your vagina with his penis. Before your man enters you for intercourse, have him take by now his erect penis and stroke it between your vaginal lips and on your clitty. Have him tease the entrance of your vagina with it. This will cause you to get exceedingly wet and your vagina can actually ache from the desire to be penetrated. Believe me two or three minutes of this kind of stimulation will have you literally begging him to take you and enter you. That will of course be a huge turn on and compliment for him.


Now I know that the idea of after play to you seems unlikely.
You feel that you don’t get enough foreplay and usually once a man

Climaxes, then it is usually all over. Tell your man that you still
Have climaxes left in you and you would like him to get you off
some more. Tell him how horny he makes you and that you
want more of him. This is usually enough to persuade him.

11. Getting additional Orgasms Most men do not understand
That once he has you to this level of sexual excitement, it is a lot easier for you to achieve additional orgasms. Here is how you can easily knock off another ten orgasms. Get a Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrator. You have to order it on-line. It is the most intense, most powerful vibrator out there. You turn it on high and place it at your clitty. You have your man rhythmically finger you with his thumb, (a thumb is a lot bigger and close to the size of your man’s erect penis in girth) while also sucking on your nipples at the same time. The combination of the multiple sensory inputs will easily and powerfully give you additionally orgasms. This might so turn your man on that he gets another erection for another go round. Be sure and be very complimentary to him for taking such good care of you and you love how he makes you come with multiple orgasms. Positive reinforcement does wonders to encourage your guy to do it for you on a regular basis.

12. Once you are both satisfied, have him go into the bathroom an
And get a large towel and have him soak it in very hot water. Then have him wring it out very well and have him give you a hot towel massage. Have him pay careful attention to cleaning up between your legs. You will feel wonderfully pampered and be sure to ooh and aah. Then have him get a dry towel and dry you off and then have him powder your whole body down with your favorite powder. Then have him climb back in bed with you for cuddling time and spooning. You should put on a pair of silky panties, (not thongs) for spooning because the feeling of his penis against your butt covered by silky panties feels very erotic to him. The silkiness of the back of your panties reminds him of the wonderful feeling of the silky interior of your wet vagina. Have him lovingly stroke your butt through those panties. You will love the feeling of his hand stroking your butt and he will love the feeling of those silky panties against his penis and against his hand. If you include all of these techniques, I guarantee you happier and more satisfied sex.

13 Things Men Forget About Women, Guest Post

May 26, 2010

Occasionally, I run across a particularly good post and repost it for your reading enjoyment. Kudos to Mr Kelly Boyd for this great post

True or False
May 24, 2010
Kelly Boyd People, Relationships 2 Comments
Women confuse men as men confuse women. That’s a given. But it’s not because we don’t learn from our past relationships; we just forget everything we learned in the time between one and the next. And we only remember how different the two genders are when a woman’s inherent eccentricities rear their wild head, once again.
I’ve been speaking to a number of people over the last few weeks in an effort to compile this bit of information. I’ve asked Black, White, Hispanic, old, young, married and single men question after question and have decided that there are:
13 Facts About Women Men Forget

So no matter how cool the chick, chances are she is…
Full of Shit: This is just a periodic trait, and exists in varying degrees. Most of the time, it comes out in what is called the “game,” but outside of a relationship it’s called lying. Basically, she tells you one thing, but means something more than her words. (Words only seem to matter when she remembers to use yours against you.) Other times, it happens when she thinks lying serves a purpose greater than the truth of the moment. So, she might have gone to lunch with her ex and said she didn’t, but he was a dick like usual, so it wasn’t a big enough deal to tell you about it (i.e., she cares about you enough to not want to hurt your feelings, but not enough to stop looking elsewhere). Now, try going out with your ex…

More Complicated Than You: When a man says all he needs is some time for TV, some time for drinking beer (aside from time spent watching TV) and some sex, he isn’t kidding. Most guys are often easily pleased, regularly content (if not happy) and down for pretty much anything. That’s what we mean by “easy-going.” When you’re not dating a woman or have just started dating her, and she likes you, she can have no trouble matching that description. However, once she’s comfortably in a relationship, she unveils a net of internal and inter-personal intricacies capable of confusing the crap out of any man. It’s a lot of in’s, outs, what-have-you’s, and it’s fucking difficult to remember.

Requires Compliments: Ok ladies, we get it, you have terrible self-esteem. And that sucks. We’re sure it’s our fault, somehow. How? But unless you want to start telling us what a gigantic dick we have every time we see you, give us a break if we don’t notice what you’re wearing from time to time. Maybe what you’re wearing sucks. Did you think of that? Uh, sorry honey, what we meant to say was that weird bag dress you threw on looks awesome.

Believes She Knows More About You Than You Do: Again, this only happens after her relationship is in a comfortable spot. At that point, if there’s something she doesn’t like about you, she will probably try to change it. Note: If you’re cheating on her, it’s ok for her to want that to stop. But if you’re just wearing the wrong shirt, or have the wrong haircut, that’s not her shit to change. You know how you want your hair, dammit. Tell her so, she’ll appreciate you standing up for yourself.

P.S. Women
Don’t believe anything Ebony, Vogue, Cosmo or any other “female-targeted publication” tells you about what guys like. Just keep it as close to BJ’s and good food as possible and you’re in the green.

Evil Toward Other Girls: Unless you beat women (in which case, you should be getting your ass kicked right now, or in jail, preferably both) it’s difficult to comprehend the razor-sharp viciousness women lash each other with during a feud. Angry women are cold, calculating and if they decide to fight back, they inflict the most damage possible. And this is the part guys forget: Mess up, and they’ll do the same to you! So if you catch your girl hitting below the belt with emails and rumors against someone you thought was her friend, watch your back, that’s all I’m saying.
Self Conscious about Something: This is essentially the cause of “Requires Compliments,” from above. But what women don’t realize is that, when a guy is with a girl, he thinks she’s hot. That’s a given in a guy’s mind, and doesn’t change much. So we completely forget that women, in general, are nervous wrecks of internal anguish. Usually, their fluctuating insecurity is about their bodies, which they say is a product of our cruel desire for them. (As if women are so kind to each other on this front…) Really, it’s about all types of stuff. So guys, if you take this fact of female existence to heart, it helps explain many of their womanly mysteries.

Crazy: I know this is cliché, but let’s get something straight: When chemical imbalances (i.e., changes in hormone levels) control your thoughts, words and actions that’s called crazy. A “visit from aunt flow,” as they say, is enough to throw many women over the edge at least for a couple of days. And while we will forever hold hope that there’s a reliably sane one amongst them, we are yet to even hear of her existence. In fact, most women admit their (temporary) insanity; you’d know if you listen to them. Don’t, and that’s some shit they’ll use against you, if you make the mistake of not knowing what the hell is going on.

Not Funny: Believe me, we’ve met (and dated) plenty of funny women. They’re not always fat and not always lesbian. Some of them are hot, and those chicks are the best. But for the most part, women just like to laugh at our jokes (they all say they want a funny man), and suck at coming up with their own.

A Star-Fucker: Given the opportunity, most women would seriously consider screwing a cool, famous person, just for the fuck of it; even your girlfriend. It’s just in their nature. (Non-virgin) guys don’t get obsessed with famous people the way women do. (Just go to a Justin Timberlake or Brian McKnight concert, or at least stand outside and watch to see. Nowadays, maybe even a Drake concert.) I’m not saying she’ll cheat on you, but she would definitely weigh her options, given the chance. Basically, if she’s going to an after party, agree to meet her there or consider yourself a dumbass, she will, lol.
A Better Liar: When a man lies, he knows he’s doing something wrong. He’ll dart his eyes, mumble, change the subject and try to just get the hell out of the situation as fast as possible. When a woman lies, she can look the person she loves square in the eye and feed him the biggest load of bullshit ever, and make it seem like she’s being perfectly reasonable, more reasonable than usual! (That’s your first clue.) But pity the man who catches his woman in a lie; call her out on it, and she will drop her entire arsenal of your fuck-ups upon your quickly withering form. Forget that tactic; it’s better to just go get drunk and hit on other chicks out of spite.

Enjoys Cat Calls: Let me begin by saying most cats don’t call out to girls on the street; we check out your ass and overflowing push-up bra from a respectable distance. But women don’t just (secretly, deep down) enjoy getting cat calls thrown their way, they expect it. Sure, some dude might go over the line now and then, and that never feels nice. But if nobody stares and nobody says a single lewd comment, she feels less sexy, like there’s something wrong with her that day, or at least with what she’s wearing. Guys don’t take this as an invitation to hit on every stranger you see walking down the street. But ladies, stop telling us you don’t like it.
Constantly Looks For Inner-Meaning: For men, saying exactly what you mean stands as a matter of pride. But no matter how straight your talk, women like to feel like they have more control over the situation by attempting to decode what you’re not saying, so they can guess how you’re feeling and what to do next. Here’s the thing, ladies: Men only talk to accomplish a goal of some type, like working out a business plan. You talk just to talk. It makes you feel better just to get everything out there. If talking isn’t for any reason other than to talk, we would rather do anything else.

Uses Sex to Manipulate Men: If she’s looking extra hot and/or acting particularly friendly, beware: she is probably going to ask you to do something you don’t want to do. (This is a perfectly acceptable trade-off in a woman’s mind.) She knows you like sex, and she’s got the tools to use that desire against you or at least to get what she wants. But sex is what we want, so don’t get us wrong on this one: We want you to use sex to manipulate us. It’s the best form of manipulation possible. But don’t think we don’t know what you’re up to.

I Wish I Had Known This Before I Got Married

May 18, 2010

This is another guest blogger that I have featured on here before.  She has a lot of good sense and I suggest that you subscribe to her blog  about marriage relationships

Project Happily Ever After


What I Wish I Had Known Before I MarriedPosted: 16 May 2010 07:28 PM PDT

  1. It’s pointless to compare your marriage or sex life to others because there is no such thing as one ideal marriage or sex life.
  2. It doesn’t matter if you are a feminist who sought out an egalitarian man to marry. Chances are you will eventually come to the conclusion that you do most of the housework. For a while this will anger you. Eventually you’ll either reach a place of acceptance or you’ll have the means to hire a cleaning lady.
  3. There is nothing instinctual about birthing or raising a child.
  4. Babies stress good marriages and bring bad marriages to an end.
  5. Your husband won’t love you any less if you speak your mind. If anything, he’ll be relieved to finally know what you’re thinking without having to guess.
  6. Fair and happy are not necessarily the same thing. When you have a choice between the two, shoot for happy.
  7. Men snore more when they drink and when they have a cold. It’s best to sleep in the guest room on such occasions. You’ll actually get some sleep and he won’t wake with a sore arm.
  8. He loves when you ask for help. It makes him feel like a man.
  9. Lingerie isn’t for him. It’s for you.
  10. Bikini waxes aren’t for him. They’re for you.
  11. You are your own harshest critic. Whether or not you gain or lose those 10 pounds, he will always think you look as hot as the day he met you.
  12. He doesn’t talk down to you because he thinks you’re stupid. He does it because someone talked down to him as a child and now he’s modeling this behavior.
  13. Happiness comes from being understood, not from winning.
  14. If you wash his cycling clothes with your clothes, your clothes will smell like a teenage boy who hasn’t showered in three weeks.
  15. If you let him wash your delicates, he will put them all in the dryer. He will not do this out of spite. Rather, he will do it because none of his clothes require a gentle cycle and to be hung dry.
  16. If he doesn’t notice you got your hair cut, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.
  17. He shuts down when you confront him not because he enjoys annoying you. He does it because he’s scared.
  18. He loves it when you compliment him.
  19. He has always loved you, and he always will.

What do you wish you’d known before you got married?

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