|What I Wish I Had Known Before I MarriedPosted: 16 May 2010 07:28 PM PDT
What do you wish you’d known before you got married?
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I have come to understand how conflicted women are about their sexuality. I have surfed numerous blogs and made comments on them about women wearing lacy frilly lingerie for their men. I unleashed a firestorm. As a marriage, relationship and sexual coach, I work with couples to resolve their relationshjp and sexual problems.
Almost all women grew up with the fantasy about “living happily ever after”. Far too often this has been a self centered fantasy with the woman giving little consideration as what that looks like and means for the man in her life. I suggested that women ask their husbands a question and promising not to get mad at his answer, would he like to see her in lacy frilly lingerie when she comes to bed at night? The answer is obvious for the vast majority of men. I point out that why would you want to deny a pleasure that the husband wants and desires if you love him? It costs you nothing and it is another way to honor him and show him respect. It might not be the woman’s thing but it is the husband’s. If you had a cat, would you feed it hay and say that it was love. You would feed the cat what it needs and that is meat.
I challenge women everywhere to ask your husband the following question; In what way can I be a better wife to you sexually”. Youu have to promise him that you won’t get angry with his answer and then listen to the answer without getting defensive. Men are not forthcoming with their feelings because most wives don’t make it safe for him to express those feelings. This hurts your relationship and the communication between you and your hubby.
Far too many women are inhibited by their parents and the church indoctrinating them about sex when they were girls. They said that it was bad, dirty and wrong and that “good girls don’t do it” Sadly, by the time a woman is ready to embrace her sexuality, she is so negatively conditioned about sex that sadly it affects her for the rest of her life. Sex is a gift from God. You don’t ever hear that preached from a pulpit or from a sunday school lesson. They don’t tell you about the biblical quotes encouraging us to have a great sex life.
Women can’t relax and enjoy and be comfortable with their sexuality. They also tend to feel self conscious about their body image. Men don’t care, they like to see their women in frilly feminine things. Not only did I get hate speech vomited all over me over this issue, sadly women tend to do the same thing to their husbands. Men learn to shut up and keep their feelings to themselves because it is not safe to open up to the wife if she perceives anything remotely critical of her. She verbally berates the husband. Women are telling men that we are bad, perverted and wrong for desiring lacy frilly lingerie. It is a point of view and should not be disprespected. Women can’t take any critique but feel no compunction over vomiting critique over men and their husbands.
In Europe, people are much more comfortable with sexuality. We have been raised in a highly puritanical society. The discussion of sex or lingerie makes most people highly uncomfortable. Why, we are all adults. Sex is one of the big 3 that couples fight about. We have a 50% divorce rate in this country. Kids are the victims and are traumatized and damaged as the result of that divorce.
We are also in a society that is reeking of misandry (reverse sexism by women against men). I speak for the vast majority of men who can’t speak up for fear of being bombarded by women in general and their wives in particular.
I teach couples to resolve conflicts peacefully without verbally bashing each other and without the name calling. I stress respect not the use of verbal clubs as equalizers.
If you would like help with your relationship or sexuality, I am here to help. I offer a free half hour consultation and a money back guarantee.
Unfortunately, most people have the notion that you are not supposed to talk about sex in church. As a former minister of youth, I was castigated by some parents for teaching a high school class on the subject of what the bible defines as sexual sin. I was told: “you are not supposed to talk about sex in church.” At a seminar called Total Woman at our church, we had some women object because it contained sexual references and how a woman is supposed to take care of her husband. This feeling prevails even today in churches. My question is: Do you think that God made a mistake? How about those references in the Bible about sex? Should we tear those out of the Bible? Pastors and Sunday school teachers don’t dare teach or preach on the subject.
Today, we have a 50% divorce rate in the general population and 33% even among Christians. What is really sad is the research that shows definitively the life-long damage done to children as the result of divorce. Couples fight about the big three: money, sex and kids. The bible is very clear on sexual issues between husband and wife. Because fighting is common over sex, there is a scripturally mandated ministry in Titus 2:4-5 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands that the word of God be not blasphemed. KJV
Research shows that fully 60% of women only want sex once a week. Sadly they inflict that schedule on their husbands. Now I know that there are exceptions and sometimes it is the wife with a high libido and a husband who does not want it as much. Our purpose is to cover the majority of the people out there. We will consider what the bible says as we are commanded to do in living our lives.
It says in Proverbs: Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as a loving hind and a pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee AT ALL TIMES; and be thou ravished ALWAYS with her love. Most women feel that they have a perfect right to reject her husband’s sexual overtures any time she feels like it. This is what is taught by the feminists. On the other hand, when is the last time that you ever saw a feminist point anyone to Jesus? Is there any thing in the above passage that you could interpret to get that permission? Ravished is a biblical word for not only giving your husband sex, but giving him GREAT SEX. When you give him sex willing and lovingly, it is called appropriately MAKING LOVE because of the feelings that it engenders on his part. God made it a powerful bonding agent between a man and a woman. When you refuse your husband’s sexual overtures, the converse is, you are MAKING RESENTMENT. Every time he is forced to masturbate to relieve his sexual tensions, you create resentment. Many times he will resort to pornography for arousal. The bible forbids us to be a “stumbling block” in Romans 14:13, Mathew 18:7.
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevelolence; and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife doth not have power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, so that Satan tempt you not for your incontinence. I Corinthians 7:3-5
If you read this, there is no way that you can interpret that the wife has a right to say no to her husband. Nevertheless, so many of you do with impunity in defiance of God’s word.
So many women try to relate to their husband’s sexuality through their own. Men’s sexuality is driven by semen build-up. Remember the time when you were pregnant. It is a fact of life that a pregnant woman has to urinate more often because the baby is pressing on your bladder. You can’t help it. Now let us play role reversal here for a minute. Think about your husband feeling the same way as you do, because that is what a man’s sexual drive feels like. He does not have a choice when he needs relief. Let us role play here further. Imagine that you are in a car with him on a long trip and you are pregnant. You say; “honey, can you pull over because I have to go to the bathroom.” Now let us pretend that your husband answers you like so many women answer their husband’s requests for sex: What you want to go to the bathroom again, is that all you can ever think about? Do you have a one track mind? What are you some kind of urination addict? I am tired, I don’t feel like pulling over. Leave me alone and quit bugging me. Listen, maybe tomorrow I will pull over and let you go the bathroom. If men talked that way to their wives there would be such a huge outcry across the land.
For the most part women want sex once a week. For the most part men want sex 3-5 times a week. Let us compromise and say you give it to him 4 times a week. I can just hear the screams and howls from you women now. “NO WAY AM I DOING IT THAT OFTEN”. The average act takes about 30 minutes start to finish. If you actually gave your husband 4 times a week, that would come to two hours. Now out of 168 hours in the week, that represents only slightly more than one percent of your time. I say that if you can’t give your husband 1% of your time to nurture him and love him, your priorities are all wrong. God wants 10% and you can’t give your husband a lousy 1%? This is why most men are not very romantic, they figure, why bother? Most women don’t understand that it is the woman that inspires men to romance by how they treat him. From the time that you were a little girl, you dreamed about Happily Ever After. The problem with that dream is that has always been self-centered. You imagine the prince gazing upon you with rapt attention, but you never understand that the prince has needs that you need to satisfy. Because you don’t satisfy them, he stops being romantic.
God in the Old Testament allowed multiple wives and concubines for men to be able to satisfy their generally higher sex drives. God allowed this so that men would not commit adultery. Then in God’s progressive revelation, He changed it to where there was one man and one woman and it transitioned in Proverbs 31. The heart of the husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31: 11-12. Now many bible translators incorrectly translate the Hebrew word for spoil here as meaning earthly gain. This is incorrect. The old fashioned term spoil comes from the spoils of war.. This is where the invading army got to go in and take things from the homes of the killed opposing soldiers. One of the main things that they took were the women who were then destined to become secondary wives called concubines with a status only slightly above a slave. When the primary wife refused her husband’s sexual overtures, then it fell to the concubine to satisfy the man’s needs. Well Proverbs 31 here means that he shall have only one wife, but she is now obligated to satisfy all of his sexual needs. She honors his trust in her by taking care of him sexually. It reiterates that she shall do him good and not evil all the days of her life. How is denying your husband doing him good?
Finally, as parents and our parents have done, we have put so much emphasis on thou shalt not to daughters, many can’t relax and enjoy their sexuality as the gift that God made it and intended for it. As a coach, this is a common thing that I work with women on. Freeing them from inhibitions to enjoying their sexuality. The bible addresses this issue in part in Hebrews 13:4 where it says: Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; This means that there is nothing that you and your husband can do in bed that is wrong. You need to relax, enjoy your sexuality and understand that biblically you don’t have the right to say no. If you do, I promise that you will see your husband be much more attentive and actually develop some romantic tendencies. Whether or not the relationship succeeds or fails is largely up to you the wife. I will leave you with one last biblical warning: “Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one plucks it down with her hands.” Proverbs 14:1 The house being referred to here is her husband as in the house of David. We are not talking about actual construction issues.
Try it God’s way for 30 days and you will be amazed at the difference in your marriage and ultimate happiness. Happily Ever After is possible if you follow God’s plan for marriage.