Before You Get A Divorce, Read This. Your Kids Depend Upon It

June 8, 2011

Before You Get Divorced Read This

People who get divorced just want the pain to stop. Too often they think that getting away from an offending spouse will lessen the pain. You think that it will simplify your life.
The answer to all of these notions is no it won’t, particularly when you have kids. Many of you have considered getting divorced from your mate at some time in your marriage.
Many of you have tried marriage counseling and it got you no where near resolving the problems. Well that was not your fault. Traditional marriage counseling fails 75% of the time. This is the fault of the therapist and of the style of traditional marriage counseling. When a marriage is in trouble, one hour once a week is not enough. Would you go to a doctor with Strep throat and he told you that he would give you just a little bit of antibiotic now and come back in a week and he would give you just a little bit more and to keep coming back for 28 weeks and he would have you all better. That is of course a rhetorical question. Marriage counseling is the only discipline that attempts to resolve the problem using this paradigm.

The reason is that he can only see you once a week because that is all the insurance will pay for. They have bean counters called actuaries who figure these things out and make rules accordingly. The deal is that couples can’t stand the stress for that long and drop out long before the problems are resolved.

You need to seek out the services of a marriage coach. They will see you in multi- hour sessions and help you to resolve your problems in a short period of time. They can also deal with you on the phone or IM so that you don’t even have to go to their office.

The reason that I am asking you to reconsider is because of your kids. Judith Wallerstein did a long term study on the effects of divorce upon kids. They are devastating, even into adulthood.

Dr. Ken Canfield is the President and founder of The National Center for Fathering. He cites some sobering statistics of single parent families. Kids are much more likely to drop out of school, do drugs and alcohol, and engage in sexual activity much sooner with girls often seeking out daddy love inappropriately with older men. Boys seek out inappropriate father figures in gangs and drug kings.

There are subsequent divorces when parents with kids get remarried because of friction between step kids and other siblings causing stress between parents. The statistics for subsequent marriages have a much higher divorce rate of 65% and 75% for second and third marriages. This would tell you that your best bet and your kids best bet is to work
out existing problems with your current mate rather than getting divorced

Another reason to avoid divorce is because of the ultimate impoverishment of taking one family and creating two family units that both have to be supported on the same financial income.
You only add more problems to the family rather than decrease them as was hoped. It is better, cheaper and best for all concerned for both parents to come together and work out their problems rather than get divorced.

Your best bet is to do your best to work things out. I am willing to give you a half hour session for free to talk about things. All you have to do is to drop me a line at my professional email address at

Divorce Myths, Another Great Guest Post

July 12, 2010

Here is another great guest post from Life Gems a site that I am subscribed to and suggest that you do the same. Here is the link:

I recall a friend who was about to file for a divorce expressing how she would be financially better off after she divorced her husband. A friend of hers had put this idea in her head, and she believed it without question. Since she and her husband fought frequently about money, she thought she would have more freedom with her finances after they were separated. Sadly, that was not the case; the divorce only compounded their financial problems, and she filed for bankruptcy soon after. This example is only to say: Don’t believe everything you hear. The effects of divorce can’t always be predicted, and there are many misunderstandings surrounding divorce.

Following are a couple of myths about divorce. These come from David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project, and a professor of sociology at Rutgers University.

Myth: Following divorce, the woman’s standard of living plummets by 73 percent while the man’s standard of living improves by 42 percent.

Fact: This widely publicized statistic was based on a faulty calculation. The data was recalculated to show a 27 percent loss in standard of living for women, and a 10 percent gain for men. Popenoe says the gender gap post-divorce is real, and hasn’t narrowed much since the study was done decades ago.

Perhaps the perception of financial gain leads people to believe the following untruth…

Myth: It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings.

Fact: Two-thirds of divorces are actually initiated by women. However, child custody and divorce laws in each state influence these numbers. States in which women have a better chance at retaining full custody of children have higher rates of women initiating divorce proceedings. In states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband, the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower, says Popenoe. While women more frequently file for divorce, men are more likely to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity (which may lead her to want the divorce in the first place). So, let’s not “blame” women for divorces, folks.

Myth: Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing.

Fact: Popenoe reports many studies have concluded those who live together before marriage have considerably higher rates of divorce.

Myth: When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together.

Fact: Studies show that while marital unhappiness does negatively affect children, so does divorce. For two-thirds of familes in low-conflict homes, the children’s situation only worsens after the divorce. They are better off if the parents stay together and work out their problems. Studies show only those in very high-conflict homes benefit from “the conflict removal that divorce may bring.”

If you’re interested in more setting the record straight, read Popenoe’s other Myths and Facts about Divorce.

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