Great Sex Techniques for Men To Become a Hero In the Bedroom

February 22, 2012

Sexual Foreplay and After Play, Be a Hero In The Bedroom


As a marriage, relationship, and sexual coach, I can’t believe how much lousy sex is happening out there. Maybe you are experiencing less than great sex with the man in your life or past men in your life. As a man speaking in defense of men, there is really no place for men to learn how to give our partners great sex. There is no SCHOOL FOR SEX out there. We all know where the body parts go, but men for the most part do not adequately understand a woman’s sexuality and how to give you fantastic sex. It is for this reason that I am writing this article. If you share this article with the man that you care about and tell him that you would really like to experience these things and ask him to do them with you, I promise, you will have better more enjoyable sex.

In conversations with women, I have come to understand that you need a transition period from the rat race to moving towards making love with your man. Most of you don’t have an “instant on” like men.

1. Brushing Hair Now I realize that for most of you, you are not necessarily going to get sexually aroused from having your hair brushed. What it does however is to give you that transition time to move towards sexual availability. The act of having your hair brushed is very pleasurable and releases endorphins in the brain. You feel pampered and that pampered feeling then causes you to have affectionate feelings towards your man. Five to ten minutes of hair brushing is a wonderful way to decompress from the daily grind. Animals instinctively groom each other and is something that we should do more. Your life will be better with more tactile stimulation.

2. Head to Toe Massage This technique has worked for me with every partner that I have ever been with. It is so effective as an arousal technique that I had an ex wife who would not make love with me unless I gave her a massage first. I start by stoking and lightly scratching a woman’s scalp with my fingernails. I then proceed from her neck all the way down to her feet. I spend more time massaging a woman’s butt like I am kneading bread. You have nerve endings in your butt that you did not even know that you have. I have never failed getting a woman wet from massaging her butt. I go on down and spend time massaging her feet. There is good reason for this. All of the nerve endings in your body terminate in your feet. By massaging the feet, you stimulate and wake up all of the nerves in a woman’s body. It prepares the rest of her body to be stimulated and aroused.

3. Let Your Man Undress You But Stop Him at Bra and Panties. (Author’s aside: So many of you out there are wearing utilitarian underwear, white nylon panties with no lace and a functional bra. Men get turned on visually, make sure that you have lacy and frilly bras and panties. Would you want a present that was not nicely wrapped or a cake with no frosting on it? Men need to see you in lacy and frilly lingerie.) The logic behind the man undressing you and having you stop him at bra and panties is to slow him down. The act of undressing you is a turn on for both of you as well. I tell my clients sex feels good, why rush it. Far too many men treat lovemaking like they do masturbation, they want to get it over in a hurry. Once you are down to bra and panties, have him continue a different variation of massage by lightly and slowly running fingertips up and down your entire body on both sides. This is incredibly arousing for you.

4. Lightly Stroke Nipples Through The Bra The idea behind keeping those bras and panties on and slowing down also reminds us of a bygone time in high school where we were furtively fondling. It adds to the excitement. Having your man lightly stroking your nipples through the bra gets them erect. Then let him slide his hand inside the cup of the bra before you allow him to remove your bra, all the while kissing you. Then he can remove the bra and proceed to more vigorous stimulation of your breasts and nipples by sucking them hard and fondling your breasts.

5. Stimulate you and stroke you through your panties Have him lightly stoke the midline of your vagina back and forth through your panties. Then have him blow hot breath through the panties over your clitoris. The warmth of his breath and the pressure of his lips on your mound through the panties is wonderfully arousing. Then have your man hook a finger inside the leg band of your panties and have him run his finger up and down inside the leg-band of the panties on both sides without actually touching your vagina. This will have you becoming very aroused and getting wet. After a few minutes of him doing this, then you can let him slide his hand inside your panties. It is not only arousing but brings back those memories of heavy petting in high school or maybe even junior high for some of you. After an extended session of this, then have him pull your panties off very slowly. The slow removal of panties is very erotic and sensual. If you really want to turn it up a notch and get passionate, have him literally rip your panties off by hooking his hand in the waistband and with one very strong yank, literally rip them off of you. What you lose by the panties being ruined, you gain in tremendous arousal. Every partner that I have ever done this with has gotten incredibly turned on because of the fear and the excitement that the act engenders in them. Most women like to be taken forcefully sometimes by a strong confident man.

6. Vaginal Penetration with the Tongue. Most men naturally go for your clitty (author’s slang term for clitoris. It sounds much cuter and not so damned clinical). Instead ask him to run his tongue up and down between your vaginal lips and then have him penetrate your vagina repeatedly with his tongue. You will find this incredibly arousing and better prepares your clitty for stimulation with his tongue.

7. Clitty Stimulation Techniques Instead of licking your clitty right away, have him gently pull back the foreskin (yes the hood over your clitty is analogous to a man’s foreskin on an uncircumcised penis.) He then can suck on your clitty like he is sucking a milkshake though a straw. This will cause your clitty to swell from engorging with blood similar to a man getting an erection. It will actually lengthen and grow in circumference similar to a man’s erection. He then can move up and down like you do giving him a blow job. It is a clitty blow job and feels wonderful. After a few minutes of that he can use what I call the “machine gun tongue”. This is a super fast stroking of your clitty with his tongue that will give you powerful orgasms. The way to do that is to have him flex his tongue against his upper lip to use as a spring and forcefully flick his tongue past that upper lip onto your clitty. This enables him to move his tongue much faster simulating a vibrator. For even more stimulation, have him growl like a bear while he is doing this. The act of growling makes his vocal cords vibrate which will then transmit those vibrations through his tongue onto your clitty.

8. Multi-sensory Inputs As you know, most women are better at multi-tasking than are men. Lovemaking is one area where you would benefit by encouraging your man to multi-task. While he is licking and sucking on your clitty, he can be penetrating your vagina with his fingers in and out with one hand and rolling your nipple around in his fingers with the other hand. The additional stimuli you will find very arousing. There is a precedent for this. Phil Spectre pioneered what he called the “Wall of Sound”. This technique involved adding multiple tracks of sound for a lusher musical auditory experience. Chefs use what they call “Adding layers of Flavor”. The point is, the multi-sensory inputs mean better pleasure for you just like in cooking and music.

9. Anal Stimulation Many people view this as a taboo. That is too bad because there are incredible pleasure nerve endings in the anus. This is of course when you want to be squeaky clean maybe just after a romantic shower for two. If you want to be absolutely antiseptic (which is not necessary, I have never gotten sick from giving a partner a “rim job”) you can take an antiseptic baby wipe and wrap it around a finger and clean the inside of the anus. At any rate have your man lick the anus and then penetrate your anus with his tongue in and out. Have him spread your butt cheeks apart so that he can enter it even deeper with his tongue. Once you get past the idea and let yourself go (and him too) you will find that it is incredibly arousing. Be willing to do it to your guy as it is very pleasurable for us as well. In another article I will explain how to have anal sex and that you can actually climax with anal sex. This article is about foreplay not actual intercourse.

10. Stroking your vagina with his penis. Before your man enters you for intercourse, have him take by now his erect penis and stroke it between your vaginal lips and on your clitty. Have him tease the entrance of your vagina with it. This will cause you to get exceedingly wet and your vagina can actually ache from the desire to be penetrated. Believe me two or three minutes of this kind of stimulation will have you literally begging him to take you and enter you. That will of course be a huge turn on and compliment for him.


Now I know that the idea of after play to you seems unlikely.
You feel that you don’t get enough foreplay and usually once a man

Climaxes, then it is usually all over. Tell your man that you still
Have climaxes left in you and you would like him to get you off
some more. Tell him how horny he makes you and that you
want more of him. This is usually enough to persuade him.

11. Getting additional Orgasms Most men do not understand
That once he has you to this level of sexual excitement, it is a lot easier for you to achieve additional orgasms. Here is how you can easily knock off another ten orgasms. Get a Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrator. You have to order it on-line. It is the most intense, most powerful vibrator out there. You turn it on high and place it at your clitty. You have your man rhythmically finger you with his thumb, (a thumb is a lot bigger and close to the size of your man’s erect penis in girth) while also sucking on your nipples at the same time. The combination of the multiple sensory inputs will easily and powerfully give you additionally orgasms. This might so turn your man on that he gets another erection for another go round. Be sure and be very complimentary to him for taking such good care of you and you love how he makes you come with multiple orgasms. Positive reinforcement does wonders to encourage your guy to do it for you on a regular basis.

12. Once you are both satisfied, have him go into the bathroom an
And get a large towel and have him soak it in very hot water. Then have him wring it out very well and have him give you a hot towel massage. Have him pay careful attention to cleaning up between your legs. You will feel wonderfully pampered and be sure to ooh and aah. Then have him get a dry towel and dry you off and then have him powder your whole body down with your favorite powder. Then have him climb back in bed with you for cuddling time and spooning. You should put on a pair of silky panties, (not thongs) for spooning because the feeling of his penis against your butt covered by silky panties feels very erotic to him. The silkiness of the back of your panties reminds him of the wonderful feeling of the silky interior of your wet vagina. Have him lovingly stroke your butt through those panties. You will love the feeling of his hand stroking your butt and he will love the feeling of those silky panties against his penis and against his hand. If you include all of these techniques, I guarantee you happier and more satisfied sex.

Women Here Is Some Great Sex Advice From the Bible

January 29, 2012

Let her breasts satisfy thee at ALL times and be thou always RAVISHED in her love. Proverbs 5:19

You will never see this biblical passage preached on in a sermon or taught on in a sunday school and that is too bad. Churches are all about telling girls and women that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it. There are many more sex positive messages like these in the bible.

So let me give you a little biblical interpretation from this particular passage. Men love your breasts. Some times we need comfort in them when the world has beat us up. I call this titty nuzzling where I just want to bury my face in my woman’s breasts and seek comfort there and for her to make it all better.

This is sort of the reverse where the woman has had a very bad day and she seeks comfort in a man’s strong arms holding her and making it better for her. Men are strong but sometimes they feel weak and need encouragement and comfort from your breasts. You would do well to wrap your arms around his head and tell him to enjoy your breasts as long as he needs to and that it is okay with you and you want him to seek comfort from your breasts.

Men also love it when you rub your breasts against him in public, like standing close to him and holding his arm and pressing your breasts against the back of it to reassure him that you are his woman and proud to be so. We also love it when you rub your breasts against our naked bodies in bed.

I love it when a woman will give me a nipple massage, rubbing just her nipples up and down my body but especially against my penis. I love it when a woman is riding me on top and she leans forward and every stroke, caresses her breasts against my chest. See you never knew that your breasts were so multi faceted and useful to please your man.

The accented word is at ALL times. Not just when you feel like it. A man does not feel loved or respected when you reject his sexual overtures. He resents it especially if you force him to masturbate alone.

Ravished is a great biblical word meaning GREAT SEX. Don’t just lay there with your legs spread while he pounds away at you. Be active, be involved, let him know that you enjoy him trying to pleasure you. Give him sex willingly and lovingly. It is the greatest relationship insurance that you can have. Your man won’t be tempted to cheat on you if you willingly take care of his sexual needs. And finally don’t always make him approach you for sex. Take the initiative once in a while. Men Love that. And be willing to wear lingerie that pleases him. Men love seeing you in lacy frilly lingerie with some color and lace trim. The relationship that you save could well be your own.

Blessings on you and yours John Wilder

The Number 1# Mistake Most Wives Make

September 13, 2011

This is a great guest post found in Your Frisky online magazine for women. It completely agrees with what I have been writing on here. Read it, the marriage that you save could be your own.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

By Sarah Baron
A friend of the Anonymous8 is a single middle age woman who is petite, beautiful, and a go-getter. She has dated a lot. She is interested in a long term relationship, so she is careful who she dates. She has gone out with numerous men, and boy, did she learn something interesting from listening to them.

One night she explained that she made a major discovery about men from her new dating life. Now, we are all curious. We wondered what is it that she found out?

What she has discovered is so simple and basic and it makes so much sense that you will want to slap yourself in the forehead. Sometimes you need to hear it from the outside to see if it applies to you.
First, almost all of the men she has seen are divorcees. She explains that every one of her dates tells her the same story.

“Ladies, let me tell you what. All of these men, they say exactly the same thing to me. And you can see it in each of their eyes. They felt ignored, like their needs weren’t met, like they were last on the list. They tell me this EVERY SINGLE TIME (take your index finger and tap it with vigor on the table while reading that for emphasis), that they were put behind the kids and the friends and were not led to feel as important as other parts of their ex-wives lives. They were lonely. Each man’s story – it’s like a broken record.” And with that last thought, she lets out a sigh.

She goes on. From there, the marriages start to die. These men saw the needs of everyone else came before their needs were met. They were all lonely, and things fell apart.

Of course, this got us all thinking. Have we been doing this to our husbands? Or have our husbands been doing this to us? And it was a slap in the face, a wake up call, and a chance to readjust some of our priorities.

The moral of the story for me is that marriage needs to be at the top of the priority list. I heard it once like this – take care of yourself first (yea! like that’s real easy or achievable when you are in the trenches with kids and jobs and husbands to tend to…), your marriage second, and your kids third. Kids need a happy mom and dad, a supportive family unit, and parents who invest in each other.

How To Keep Your Marriage Strong In Spite of Kids, Have Sex More

August 26, 2011

This is another great guest post from WebMd

Raising kids isn’t easy. Do you know the keys to staying happily married with children?

By Susan Davis
WebMD Health News

Ah, the joys of raising children: The pitter-patter of little feet, the tiny plump hands slipped into yours, the first day of school…and the bitter arguments with your spouse over who gets to go to the gym after work tonight.

While children are wonderful, there’s no question that their arrival can put strains on a marriage. Between the lack of sleep, fragmented attention, and, in some cases, strained finances, parents often find themselves losing the connection that brought them together in the first place — if not fighting like cats and dogs over who does more housework, who pays more bills, and who knows best how to raise a child.

A recent study of 218 couples over the first eight years of marriage found a sudden negative aspect to measures such as relationship satisfaction once couples became parents, compared to those who didn’t. And while the researchers found that childless marriages also lose some luster over time, having babies takes the shine off faster than when couples remain child-free.

The Importance of the Marital Bond

“The writer Nora Ephron once said, ‘Having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage,'” says Charles Schmitz, PhD. “I’ve always thought that was pretty apt.” Schmitz, who is dean emeritus of counseling and family therapy at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, and his wife, Elizabeth Schmitz, EdD, president of Successful Marriage Reflections, LLC, have studied thousands of couples in 45 countries in their search for the secrets to a happy marriage. And one of the key ones, they say, is figuring out what your priorities are and should be.

“The relationship between husband and wife should trump everything else,” Charles says. “You have to keep it strong, keep the romantic energy. Everything else comes from that. Children are beautiful, but they’re not the sole purpose of marriage.”

That’s why, they say, when married-with-children couples start to bicker or grow apart, it’s time to change the patterns they have fallen into. “We believe that sometimes you have to jolt your marriage from negative to positive,” Elizabeth says.

“If your husband comes home and you immediately start arguing about housework, you have to change the conversation. Don’t start with complaints. Start with an expression of appreciation.”

Tips for Keeping Your Marriage Strong

Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz traveled the world to study thousands of successful couples. Their book, Building a Love That Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage, details what they learned, including these findings:

Time in — Whether it’s a date night, a walk in the park, or going for a bike ride, “you have to spend time together to keep the flame alive,” Elizabeth says. “You have to allow time for each other.”

Time out — Conversely, alone time is also crucial. “In the best marriages, spouses allow each other time for solitude, so they can think private thoughts or just get things done,” Elizabeth says.

Touchy, touchy — Successful couples use the “Morse code of marriage,” Charles says. “It’s called touching. It’s a substitute for talking about feelings. You are saying, ‘I love you so much I have to touch you.'”

SOURCES: Doss, B. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2009; vol 96: pp 601-619. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, authors, Building a Love that Lasts: The 7 Secrets of a Happy Marriage. ©2011 WebMD, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

The Ultimate Blow Job, Letting Him Come in Your Mouth and Swallowing

January 12, 2011

This is my top read post. In a little over a year I have had over 22,000 page views to my blog which is a real boon to my ego. This blog post has been posted for just 3 months and it is the top read blog post with almost a 1,000 page view. It is not even my blog post but a guest blog by a woman who agrees with me about what a woman should do sexually for a man. In that vein I am reposting the blog. Even today, it outpulled my main page blog post.

This is another guest post from a woman who has been reading my blog named Sharon and who agrees with me and my sexual posts. She encourages women to give their men the ultimate blow job as do I. Nothing will make him feel more special and more masculine than when you get over your inhibitions and learn to swallow his come. If you do this, you virtually make your man untemptable by another woman.

Ladies ladies ladies……….
What is the big deal of swallowing your man’s semen when you are giving him head. I’m sure you try new foods from time to time and different drinks from time to time or new candies or cookies from time to time.

And swallowing your man’s cum is just another taste of something. It comes from your man’s body which is not dirty, he has a sexual organ different than our own but even so his semen is unique to his body. It is one of the ultimate pleasures for a man to know that his woman will do that and appreciate the maleness that he has and the man that he is and all the masculinity that defines him.

Why would you not want to give your man the most – he is always willing and eager to please his woman. He never winces at the thought of eating you, or licking you, or sucking you. It turns him on to do this for you because he knows it pleases you with all those good feelings. And because he knows it turns you on – it ultimately turns him on knowing that he turns you on. So do not treat him any less by refusing to swallow his cum. You can start off small, by having him shoot it onto your body and you finger some up and taste it and do not make a face. When you get bolder have him shoot it to the back of your throat so you won’t get a full force of tasting him. And when you get bolder, it’s not bad to have a bottle of water there close by to wash it down. Doing this ladies will keep you close to your man’s heart because he will know in his mind that you take his ultimate load with no problem and that alone turns him on.

20 Tips for Keeping the Relationship Strong

January 8, 2011

I copied this from another blogger who goes by the handle of Warmsouthernbreeze.
He copied it from various web sites. I liked it so much that I have chosen to give him a repost or guest post on my blog. You can read more of his work by going to the following link. Enjoy and have sex more often with your significant other. It maks life better.

Marriage Tips
Love Boosters For Women
From Various Websites
Many a marriage expert (or maybe your own preconceived notions) would have you believe that you need to spend huge blocks of so-called quality time working on “Life’s Most Important Relationship” to keep it going strong.

For most of us living in the real world, however, those just-the-two-of-us candlelit dinners and deep, soulful talks don’t fit into a regular routine. And that’s okay. The fact is, marriage is in the details: the little stolen moments you two share each day. Need inspiration? Try one or two of these sweet and romantic ideas, most of which take no more than five minutes and will keep you crazy in love.

Written for the woman but works for men too. Use your imagination.

1. Tell him why he’s so much sexier now than when you first met him.

2. Pat his butt when he passes your chair on the way to let the dog out.

3. Bring him a cup of freshly brewed coffee when he’s up late working.

4. Watch The Three Stooges with him without even once asking “What’s funny about this?”

5. Develop code gestures for when you’re out in public. Signals that communicate the following are crucial: “This party is boring me to tears” and “I’ve got to get you home and make love to you.”

6. Get up with him a half hour earlier than usual and use the time to talk, make love or just read the paper together, side by side.

7. Link up your Palm Pilots and leave him a love message for the day.

8. Plop onto the sofa and give each other simultaneous two-minute foot massages.

9. Play “your” song on the stereo when he walks in the door after a sweaty bout with the snowblower.

10. Farm the kids out to their friends’ houses one night every month. Note: Double-check to make sure that they’re all gone on the same night.

11. Play a game of strip Yahtzee. (Watch out for the large straight.)

12. Never underestimate the power of a sudden passionate kiss before dinner.

13. After driving his car, refill the tank.

14. Once in a while, go ahead and wear the lingerie he likes – even that thong you wish you’d never bought.

15. Get him a coupon card for a free coffee at his favorite java joint and slip it into his briefcase when he’s not looking.

16. Hold his hand at parent-teacher conferences, soccer games and ballet recitals.

17. In bed at night, make sure to touch at least one part of his body, even if you don’t go for full-tilt spooning.

18. Smile across the pillow at him first thing in the morning.

19. Go grocery shopping together and pick out something really luscious for dessert.

20. Then sit on the couch with your legs entwined and take turns feeding it to each other.

Sexual Resolutions for The New Year For Men

December 30, 2010

As a marriage and sexual coach, the number one complaint that I get about men from women clients is how lousy you are in bed. Is it any wonder you are not getting more sex? You need to make sure that your woman is well pleasured and satisfied before she is big on letting you use her vagina as a masturbation aid. I have guest posted this column from the girl next door link from Men’s Health Magazine. They have a lot of sexual advice for you guys.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

Question: What’s a smart New Year’s sex resolution all guys should make?

Answer: There are several. At least, that’s what I recently learned when I posed the question to a handful of my girlfriends. Here’s what’s on their wish lists:

· More public displays of affection
· Triple the foreplay duration
· A 1:1 oral sex ratio
· Breaking out the sex toys more often
· Staying awake for at least 10 minutes after sex
· Clean fingernails and hair (freak’s sake, guys)

Nothing too radical, right? That’s because women aren’t looking for you to rewrite the Kama Sutra (although attempting a new position now and then is always fun). What they prefer is that you just put in a renewed effort to connect, share pleasure, and enjoy each other. Need some inspiration? Check out our lists of 10 ways to jumpstart your sex life and 6 steps to be a better lover for ideas on where to begin.

And Happy New Year!

5 Sex Tips for Christmas

December 16, 2010

I bring you this little present of a guest post from the online magazine called Betty confidential. Why not add your own holiday themed sex tips to the comments section. Have a very merry and naughty Christimas and a raunchier new year.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

‘Tis the season to get it on in bed! With those chilly temperatures, spending time inside getting hot and heavy with your man, or a special friend, is a great way to stay warm during winter. Check out these 5 holiday themed sex tips to spice up your December!

5. Mistletoe: Hang this over your bed to let your man know that every night is a go during holiday season

4. Candy Cane Vibrator: Grown-ups get toys during the holidays too! Give your sex life a holiday theme by giving yourself the gift that keeps on giving and snapping up one of these holiday theme vibrators.

Read Your New Year’s Sex Resolutions

3. Jingle Bells: Spice up the “you on top” position by reaching around a grabbing his bags of fun while you are riding him. “I love when my girlfriend grabs my balls while we are doing it with her on top,” Brandon from Orange County says. “It kicks the whole sexual experience up a notch!”

2. The Mint Candy Cane Oral Sex Trick: Break off a small piece of mint candy cane, and suck on it until your mouth is coated with the minty tingle. Then slip the piece to the side of your mouth and give your man oral sex. He will love the tingly sensation he feels from the mint (An Altoid or other mint works well, too).

1. Role playing: Dressing up during the holidays can be extra sexy when you play Santa and Mrs. Claus. Who has been nice – and more importantly, who has been naughty?!

16 Tricks For Hotter Monogamy

December 4, 2010

I found this article in Men’s Health. Rob was previously commenting on getting along sexually and getting the woman in your relationship to buy into having sex with you. This article explains it better than I did. I offer it as another guest post and commend it to your reading.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

16 Tricks for Hotter Monogamy

Most couple reaches a point when the wild lust of exploration becomes a distant, exotic memory. Some of us, when the frisson fizzles, turn elsewhere for passion. Others remain faithful and figure boredom is the price we pay for love. Or you could reclaim the wildness of your first months.

The road to hotter monogamy is simply a matter of mind over monotony. It begins with a pledge to resist the cliché that familiarity breeds lower temperatures, a decision that you will not be doomed to a bleak future of ho-hum, twice-a-month slap ’n’ tickle, and the determination to bring the same appetite for excellence to exalting your partner’s body that you bring to every other arena of your life. Ready to bust your rut and rekindle your sex life? Here are 16 ways to keep the home fires burning.

Love Less, Want More

Energy often fades with time because we grow to love each other too much. Yes, too much. Forget all that treacle about how sex is enriched by attachment. If it were, why are you still flashing back to that tall chick from Dayton who slipped into your dorm room freshman week at Yale and Eli-ed your bulldog?

No, lust can actually be doused by caring. Once we become fully human to each other, the selfishness that arousal requires is often gentled by affection. Now, make no mistake, full-spectrum love is the grand prize of life. So the secret is to build an attachment that is both sacred—as in the sappy hearts-‘n’-flowers stuff—and profane—as in the missus welcoming you home by reenacting the Phoebe Cates—emerging-from-the-pool scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

That requires two strong-hearted and self-defined people. That requires the vigorous, independent, self-reliant love of two self-actualized individuals, not the needy codependent love of one mouse for another. There has to be space between you across which a spark of hunger can arc.

In Fact, Feel Free to Hate Your Beloved

What person in a long-term monogamous relationship isn’t driven nuts by something about his or her partner? Shrinks say this is because we resent our attachment to our partners, and the anger is a way of declaring our autonomy. A couple who stay hot for each other neither deny this anger nor give in to it. They acknowledge it and move forward, trying to soften it with kindness and consideration but without shame for the feeling.

Fondle Feet

Every 2 weeks or so, when you’re watching television together, take her feet in your lap and go to work, massaging away the worries of the world. Note: This is not foreplay; it’s caretaking. If she feels cherished, she’ll get bountiful with her body—maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even this weekend, but much more over the course of a life together than she would if her feet went forgotten.

Make Memories

In the same way that nations and teams are united by events in their history, so too are monogamous couples inspired by great sexual moments in theirs. Just as the Fourth of July is an occasion of American pride, and Game 6 will forever thrill Mets fans, so will your memories of that weekend in Santa Fe or that artful quickie at Cousin Julie’s wedding give your sex life the feel of a great unfolding story.

A sex life needs an album of greatest hits, sessions that stand out from the hundreds of garden-variety get-togethers. How these landmark hookups achieve their vividness isn’t important. It can be their intensity, their location, the props involved, the food, or the music that was the score. If you don’t have such epochal events in your past—or they’re all too far in the past—get to work.

Root, Root, Root for the Home Team

One of the benefits of longevity in a partnership is the chance to enjoy sexual traditions. But be sure to think outside the narrow Valentine’s Day—wedding anniversary—Father’s Day box. Consider annual sporting events as occasions. Have your own post parade on Kentucky Derby afternoon, complete with his-and-hers mint juleps by the bedside in case anybody gets thirsty in the backstretch.

Surely, Game 1 of the World Series deserves a sexual salute. (There is a position in which both partners can see the tube.) On Election Day, celebrate democracy and America by shedding your grace on each other.

Say “I Understand, Baby” and and “Is There Anything I Can Do for You, Doll?”

If hundreds of leading universities ever did such studies, they would show that a woman who feels respected and supported is far more likely to reenact the Jessica Lange—Jack Nicholson fandango from The Postman Always Rings Twice than is a woman who feels her man is an insensitive, self-absorbed jerk. Never argue about the validity of her feelings, even when they’re totally bogus; just acknowledge them.

Of course, you can disagree with her (see above), but be careful to either actually honor her feelings or, if that’s impossible, do a damn good job of acting as though you do. Moreover, though to ears deafened by political correctness, words like baby and doll sound condescending and sexist, to most women in relationships, they sound like love.

Rely on Your Bodies

One of the misconceptions about passionate sex is that it derives from the rest of a strong relationship. A couple who listen to each other, respect each other, and share feelings are, according to conventional wisdom, better able to send each other soaring. But this is another of those chicken-and-egg deals.

Good sex can help create intimacy as surely as it can spring from it. Our culture tends to disrespect the wisdom of our bodies and defer to the far less dependable wisdom of our minds. But our bodies and hungers can connect two people in elemental ways, making them susceptible to each other’s spirits. Submitted for your consideration: As surely as a vigorous sexual life is a result of a good relationship, it’s also a prerequisite for one.

Let Sex Heal

Sometimes when you get mad—no, make that when she gets mad—sex is deliberately withheld, as a punishment for perceived slights. Bad plan. This weaponizes lust. Your sexual loyalty to your partner has to be stronger than some small oversight, like neglecting to call when you were going to be late. Moreover, sex can be just the medicine you need. Touch helps you work your way back to each other. Our hips and hands are sometimes smarter than our brains.

Remember Pitcher Greg Maddux at His Best

Okay, maybe the future Hall of Famer isn’t the sexiest image of all time. But this will help: Change speeds and change locations.

Use Your Tongue

Though we’re uninhibited about things we’ll do to each other, we’re often sheepish about talking about the things we just did. Happy monogamy requires that we get over our shyness and speak freely about what we like and don’t. Sure, we have to put things gently, but we have an obligation to be our own advocates, to tell the truth. Death to prissiness! Be a role model for her. Ask her what she likes and, ahem, likes less.

Now, you have to be prepared to learn that she actually hates the Nigerian Swirl that you have been deploying with such smugness for all these years. But that’s a small price to pay if suddenly everybody’s being candid and sexual yeas and nays are flying all over the room. Two people can love each other very much, but if there’s no frankness about what they dig and what they don’t, there’s little chance that sex will grow richer and deeper and hotter.

Speak of Her Glories

Make sure she knows how beautiful she is and how sexually skilled she is, especially if she isn’t—sexually skilled, that is. All women are beautiful, and people often grow into expectations.

Set Sex Free

In the early days of a partnership, the word sex usually means that some body part is inserted somewhere, and it most often includes at least partial nakedness. But as time goes by, the couple who would keep things exciting takes sex out of the bedroom and broadens its definition to include all kinds of touching. Now, this is no call for just cuddling; a man’s entitled to want everything he wants.

But expand your physical life together to include all the ways a man and woman might touch/endorse each other: a quick make-out session in the laundry room, a supportive shoulder squeeze on the way out the door, a fondling here, a grope there, a caress, a head in a lap, a pinch of an ear, a tender tap. When touch is set free from the ghetto of orgasm, the purposefulness of intercourse drifts through every cove of our connection. This validation turns kittens into tigers, once the kids go outside to play.

Use the Whole Field

If you’re Joe Suburb, that’s not a deck behind your house; it’s an arena. One redwood chair, one lap, maybe a leaf tarp if modesty requires, and—presto!—you’ve got yourself an autumnal invigoration, complete with crickets and intimations of first frost. And your car is more than transportation; it’s a time machine back to the thrill of high-school hallelujahs.

Get Over This Mood Thing

Monogamous relationships often founder because one partner feels free to demur because she’s not “in the mood,” leaving Mr. Faithful, who has, alas, “forsaken all others,” with nowhere to turn with his need. “The mood” is greatly overrated, and if a couple is going to stay happily monogamous, there will have to be some sex had by people who are not exactly “in the mood.” This doesn’t mean that a partner can never demur. A throbbing headache gets you a pass. So too does violent nausea. Or if you’ve received news of a loved one’s death within the last half hour or so or been treated disrespectfully by the petitioner within the last 3 or 4 hours, take a pass all you want.

But not being “in the mood” is death if you expect to keep a relationship warm and energetic. Just like the Highlander, your physical relationship needs some routine maintenance. You go to work when you’re not “in the mood.” You go to the gym when you’re not “in the mood.” When we accept a person’s promise of monogamy, we take on a duty. Come on, take one for the team.

Be a Beast

The hectic pace of life is centrifugal, urging a man and a woman away from each other into separate orbits of less important obligation. But in couples who remain durably warm, Tristan and Isolde always find their way back to each other, if only for a refresher moment every now and then. Make a habit of breaking out of the routine interactions of coming and going by every so often focusing powerfully on her and telling her you love her. Hold her strongly by the arms and command the rest of the world to recede.

There’s a bubble around the two of you, and all that matters in this instant is your fierce love for her. Don’t just say it; add a whisper of growl. You love her like a wolf. Yeah, yeah, sure, your love is deepened by her character and kindness and wit, but its origin had nothing to do with her traits. And yeah, yeah, sure, she’s a good mother, a great cook, a loyal friend, but guess what? Passion doesn’t need a reason. It just is—like the wind in west Texas. Don’t actually say any of this stuff about wolves or west Texas; you’ll frighten her. But if your attitude asserts the wildness of your taste for her, she’ll feel safe.

In the end, the most powerful sex secrets aren’t in technique, in learning to use your fingers like a French flutist or your tongue like an Asian lizard. The secret to keeping the pepper in your pas de deux is to stand up for the primacy of physicality in your life together, resisting the cultural conspiracy that dis-respects your taste for each other and tries to make it a bit player in your passion. Your longing for each other can enrich all of your feelings.

If we lived in a less cynical age, a fellow might argue that monogamy is your best chance at a fevered sex life. A fellow might argue that though it is deprivation of a kind, it’s also an invitation to develop expertise, a chance to take pride in knowing that a certain whimper means “just right,” and that she prefers feathery in the morning but fortissimo at night. A fellow might feel lucky to recognize a certain cadence of hips and offering of lips. A fellow might be glad that she knows his secrets.

Monogamy isn’t beanbag. It takes discipline and love and energy and is best not tried by nonserious men. But done right, the conspiracy of just two is sanctified by its focus, made big and bold and daring by the sheer size of the bet.

All the chips on one number. How’s that for exciting? Spin the wheel.

Ladies, Tell Us What Really Goes on in Your Head When Having Sex With Your Guy

November 27, 2010

I came up with an amusing article from Men’s Health on what kinds of things go on in a woman’s mind when they are having sex with us. Men for the most part are solely focused on how good the sex feels and don’t often think about anything else.

So ladies, here is your chance to let us know the kinds of things that you think about when you are having sex with us. Give us all a laugh. We could use it.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

Secret Sex Thought #1

“I worry he won’t think I’m any good, and that I’ll kill any chance of building the relationship.” —Meghan, 19

Fifty-seven percent of women said that during sex they’re wondering if you’re enjoying it—enjoying her, really. So consider that license to be loudly enthusiastic. “But be specific about what you’re enjoying,” says Lou Paget, author of How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure. The more fully you describe something she’s doing that you like, the more convincing you’ll sound.

Worry not. Here’s how many women are critical of your . . .
Facial expressions: 11%
Sounds: 12%
Penis size: 4%

Secret Sex Thought #2

“I wish he’d hurry up and finish already.” —Laura, 22

Surprise: Sex ideally lasts between 3 and 13 minutes, a survey of sex therapists found. Read her breathing and body language. No highs and lows? She’s probably had enough.

Secret Sex Thought #3

“Oh, crap—did I shave my legs?” —Carly, 26

More than half of women said they thought about their body hair nearly every time they had sex. So touch her as if you don’t care, or you’ll make her self-conscious—and that makes sex worse for both of you, says Joy Davidson, Ph.D., creator of the online series The Joy Spot. Then go ahead and distract her by becoming really enthusiastic about a part of her body she’s feeling good about.

Secret Sex Thought #4

“I think about threesomes during sex—but I’d never want to have one.” —Alexis, 28

Many women spice things up with far-fetched fantasies; they’re exciting and not relationship-threatening. So go with it. During sex, whisper crazy fantasies (that involve her!). Tell her where in public you’d like to go down on her, say. Or give her those two men in bed—by being both of them, Paget says. “Be the wild guy, then switch and be the sensitive lover who lies on top and kisses gently.”

Secret Sex Thought #5

“I fantasize that I’m completely uninhibited—taking control, and introducing sex toys.” —Jen, 37

But she’s often too shy to act. More than a third of the women we surveyed said that during sex they’re thinking of dirty things they’re embarrassed to talk about. One in four is imagining a position she’s afraid to ask you to try.

“Often her hesitancy to speak up is related to other inhibitions, like worrying about how she looks or tastes,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D., the author of Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover. So to start, describe senses: how great she smells, how good she looks or feels. If she says something, respond. If she hints at something, go for it. The more you show your excitement—and the more you lead—the more comfortable she’ll be.

Secret Sex Thought #6

“Sometimes I’m thinking, ‘I still have laundry to do after this.’” —Jennifer, 22

It’s a cliché, but a true one. More than one in four women said they thought about household chores during sex, and 20 percent thought about work. “It’s just the way my mind operates,” says Stephanie, 27. So bring her back. Our poll’s top suggestion: Turn up the passion—and let her feel it. “When she’s bored, it’s because the sex is routine. So take charge. Move her around and be more assertive,” says Davidson. Hold her tighter, run your nails up her legs, pin her arms down (if she’s comfortable with that). A lot of little things can make her take notice. What laundry?

Here’s a bonus tip: There’s no one way to gain her attention, women say. Some of their suggestions:
Talk dirty: 17%
Become more assertive: 27%
Pull her hair: 7%

Secret Sex Thought #7

“I occasionally compare him to my ex. I can’t help it!” —Jessie, 28

Yes, she thinks about other men during sex. Sometimes she even fantasizes about them. Ouch! But she’s conflicted. Consider: 51 percent of respondents said it was natural to fantasize about other men during sex, but 74 percent said they’d be hurt if you fantasized about other women.

Focus her attention. Ask her, “What do you want me to beg for?” Fulbright says. “It gives her the sense that she’s steering the action.” And she’ll know you’re the one giving her what she wants.

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