Here Is The First And Most Important Chapter in My Book, It Is About How To Have Peaceful Coflict Resolution and Stop Fighting With Your Spouse

July 3, 2012

This is the first and most important chapter in my soon to be published book (JANUARY 2013 ON AMAZON) entitled SEX EDUCATION FOR ADULTS, SECRETS TO AMAZING SEX AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER TOO. I need your help to make it a best seller. I want to prove that a book written from a Christian perspective can be a best seller in the secular world. I welcome all ideas on how to promote it and ask that you join my blog and ask other contacts to as well so that I can notify you when the book is published. It will only be $9.95 and I guarantee you more and better sex, better relationships with your spouse or your money back. When have you ever seen an author offer a money back guarantee? Would you like us on Twitter and retweet this post on Twitter please? Thanks for your help in advance.

RESOLVING CONFLICT PEACEFULLY

Fighting comes naturally, peacefully resolving conflict does not. I am sure that you can remember all too well fights that you have had in your own relationship. The problem with fighting is that no one wants to “lose” the fight so we lock into combat that almost always escalates into dysfunction. That dysfunction can be screaming, throwing things, cursing and/or hitting a spouse.

I had a couple as a client locked into dysfunction. The woman had gotten into a pattern of screaming, cursing and throwing things. The husband admirably did not hit her, but tried to keep the peace because of what the wife’s tirades and tantrums did to the children. She once broke her own finger by repeatedly slamming the front door harder and harder. Problems were never resolved; she just bullied the husband to get her own way. I could not reach her and they ultimately got a divorce. She continued these patterns in a subsequent marriage.

I always tell my clients to first go and study two movies from the rental store: THE BREAK UP, and WAR OF THE ROSES. You can see art imitating life. Study these movies and see yourselves portrayed in these movies. Watch and see the mistakes that they have made and that you have made similar mistakes as well. Children are terrified when they hear parents fighting. Remember the scene from PRINCE OF TIDES when the young children ran and jumped into the bay. They lived in an idyllic setting on an island. They escaped by running out of the house and jumping into the water. Most children don’t have that option and simply suffer through the fights, terrified. If you have not seen The Prince of Tides, it is also mandatory on my homework list.
To avoid those problems and dysfunction, I have listed some techniques that are guaranteed to work if you will use them. I tell my clients that they both need to agree to change their ways. They also need to forgive each other and enact the old familiar slogan from the playground: A DO OVER. Admit that you have both made mistakes and that as a couple you want a do over and agree to rules that I have listed for peacefully resolving the conflict. A great idea is to adopt the physician’s vow about dealing with your conflicts; “ First, do no harm.”

When a spouse is angry with you, the first rule is to SHUT UP AND LISTEN. I know that it is hard to do. You need to let them get out everything that bothers them before you counter their arguments. Once they are done, ask to repeat back what they said so that you and the spouse are sure that you understand the problem. Then ask: “In what way can we resolve this problem”? This goes a long way to resolving the problem. Calmly discuss solutions. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” Proverbs 15:1

AGREE TO DISAGREE

Too many times people are locked into winning. The problem with winning is that there is also a loser who will feel humiliated.
Better to “agree to disagree”. In this way, neither party feels like they have “lost” the argument.

FLIPPING A COIN

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs

Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree in advance that this will settle the issue, and then stick to it.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

When you are in a discussion where you both have a point of view that you feel strongly about, there is another alternative. You can agree to negotiate the argument for a peaceful settlement. You can do this by adopting a 10 scale. You each assign a numerical value form 1-10 depending on how firmly you believe your side is worth. You have to give an honest evaluation. Using a 10 where there is absolutely no room for negotiation, to a 1 scale where you could go either way. Come up with a legitimate number to assess your position. Suppose your
spouse is at a 7 and you are at a 4 then you agree to give in to the spouse’s 7 to make for a peaceful resolution.

SPLITTING THE DIFFERENCE

Another good way to resolve the argument is to simply compromise half way between the two points of view. Both parties feel like they got something and don’t feel humiliated.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t curse at or call your spouse names, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse it is abusive.
7. Do not interrupt; it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.
I have re-written an old nursery rhyme that is more appropriate: Sticks and stones can only break your bones but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

Remember, your job as a spouse is to nurture your spouse. You can’t do that when you are being self centered. According to Dr. Laura Schlesinger, self centeredness is a leading cause of divorce. You also don’t nurture your spouse when you attempt to bully them in an argument instead of peacefully resolving the conflict while respecting them and their feelings.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man (woman) be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. James 1:19

The big problem is that the vast majority of people don’t heed the above scriptural mandate. Most people are doing just the opposite: they are quick to anger, quick to speak and slow to listen. If you can follow the scriptural mandate, you will be amazed at how much better your marriage works.
SAVING FACE

You need to adopt the oriental philosophy of “saving face”. This is a philosophy of mutual respect. It is considered in very poor form to in any way deliberately disrespect another person. Their rules are very rigid in that you never ever would consider doing anything that would cause someone to feel humiliated or embarrassed. Our western culture clearly does not teach respect for other people’s feelings.

Finally, if you can’t resolve an argument, then seek out the services of a marriage coach. Avoid marriage counselors at all costs. The dirty little secret in the industry is that marriage counselors have a 75% failure rate according to some leading counselors turned Marriage Coaches like Dr. Willard Harley, author of HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS and Michelle Weiner Davis, author of DIVORCE BUSTING. Marriage counselors have you come back for weeks and talk about feelings. Coaches concentrate on resolving problems in a short period of time. If
you need help, put into your search engine and look for marriage coaches, or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com


Best Seller Book Contest

May 16, 2012

I am going to have a contest for all my readers to guess the total number of books sold

during my best seller campaign with my book release on January 10,2013.  The prizes will 

be for the closest number of guesses for that week total to date.  If you would like to pitch your

products or service, you can include it as prize to induce people to buy my book during that 

week and thus increase your own online visibility and profit from my book campaign

The book is entitled:  Sex Education for Adults, Secrets To Amazing Sex and Happily 

Ever After Too.  It is written from a Christian perspective to counter the views taught in most

churches that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it.  They never 

teach the sex positive messages in the bible.l

 

Not only will I show you how to have a better sex life but how to stop fighting with your 

spouse and instead have peaceful conflict resolution without hurting each other. The book 

will be first published on Amazon as an E-book.l  I am so confident that my book will help 

you, I am offering you a money back guarantee.  I also offer the same money back 

gaurantee on my coaching services.  Call a half dozen marriage counselors and 

ask them if they would be willing to match that.l  They won’t.  While the book is still under

construction I am also taking ideas on how to be more romantic how to seduce your partner,

better sex techniques, and problem resolution techniques that work for you.  You could

get published in my book if I can use your ideas.  Write me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com.


Men Get Better At Foreplay if You Want More and Better Sex

April 29, 2012

Most guys complain about not getting enough sex but it is largely your own fault.
Women need and want quality sex not the wham bam thank you maam sex you give her.
You roll over and she has not had an orgasm and feels like you used her like a
piece of meat. I don’t blame women for not wanting to have sex with you.

In part, it is not your fault. There is no school for Sex out there to teach you
how to make love with a woman and give her GREAT SEX.

I want to help with that. I will be coming out with my book in the next
few months entitled SEX EDUCATION FOR ADULTS, SECRETS TO AMAZING SEX
AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER TOO. You will also see my blog go to a dot com
site as I offer the book for sale on here. I will also be publishing
it as an E book on Amazon, but if you don’t have one of those fancy
E reader tablets, I will have a version on this site that you can
download to your computer.

I will also have some things that will help you to get more and better
sex like fur massage mitts that you can use to give your woman a great
head to foot massage on her bare skin that is guaranteed to turn her
on. I will also be offering an industrial strength electric vibrator
that she can use while having sex with you that will guarantee her
orgasms. Only about 30% of women can have an orgasm with intercourse
alone.

So send me a comment or an email to marriagecoach1@yahoo.com and put in
your reservation now.

BTW my blog is now closing in on 100,000 page view, so thanks to all
you readers out there. Tell your friends about my blog.

I also offer marriage coaching that is vastly superior to marriage
counseling. Ask any of your friends and relatives if they have
ever tried mariage counseling and see if you can actually find
anyone who was ever satisfied with it? Marriage coaching is superior
because we don’t talk about feelings but show you how to peacefully
resolve your problems without hurting each other. So if you are having
marriage, relationship or sexual problems, drop me a line at the
same address and I will give you a half hour free consultation.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder


The Secret To Happily Ever After for Women

April 10, 2012

Ladies, sin came into the world through a rebellious woman. Sadly there are a lot of relationship problems today
for the same reason. So many women grew up with the notion of “happily ever after” but never gave a single thought
as to what that looked like for men.

The idea is to take care of each other and fulfill each other’s idea of happily ever after. Self centeredness is the
chief cause of marital breakups. The second most common cause of marital break ups is the lack of good conflict resolution
skills. I have several blog posts in the archives about how to resolve conflicts peacefully and I would recommend
that you check them out if you really want to get along with your mate.

But back to the happily ever after issue. Here is the very simple secret to “happily ever after”. Don’t say no
to your partners wants, needs and desires unless it is immoral, unethical or abusive. No is such an ugly word.
It implies that your wants, needs and desires are secondary to mine and I can’t be bothered with yours. You
have to understand how corrosive that is on a relationship.

There is a basic law that success breeds more success and failure breeds more failure. When you give to
your partner, it is a success for both and it tends to bring giving out in your partner which breeds more
success. When you tell your partner no, then they tend to act out in a passive aggressive manner and refuse
your requests which leads to failure and dysfunction.

Sadly I experienced failure with a woman because she initially agreed with my premise to not say no and then
broke up with me because I told her that I loved the “girly girl look” of women in skirts and dresses. Her
answer was: “no man is going to tell me what to wear”. In other words she did not care at all what I liked
and wanted, I could just stuff it and she chucked the budding relationship.

Ladies, try it my way for 30 days with the man in your life and see if you don’t have a happier more romantic
and more fulfilling life with him. Let me know how it works for you. I am praying that you all have
better and more fulfilling relationships.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder


Mistakes Men Make In Their Love Relationships

April 6, 2012

What Women Want In Relationship and Mistakes That Men Make

I have been accused by some women that I am a misogynist because I write about mistakes that women make in relationships. I do write more about that than anything else because no one else has the courage to suffer the slings and arrows that I do.
I am not anti woman or a misogynist, I am simply pointing out the common mistakes that women make in their relationships with men. It is just like Sex and The City where Carrie is clueless about men and goes to her gal pals who are equally clueless looking for answers. The problem is that they don’t have the answers. It would be like a guy going to his buddies and asking a guy what it feels like for a woman to be pregnant.

I try to be a resource for women to show them a better way based upon a lot of complaints made by men in my practice and on my blog. But to be fair, I need to take men on for the complaints that women make about men. This is only fair.

First men need to be mature. You need to be ready to commit to a relationship. You need to commit fully to it. You need to have a good job to be able to support a family.
You need to be strong emotionally and emotionally mature. You need to be strong and yet gentle respecting the woman and not trying to bully her. She is your equal and not a possession under your thumb. Never ever use your superior strength against her, it is designed to protect her not to beat her with.

You need to be ready for a family and study on what it means to be a good father as well as a good husband. You need to share the remote letting her watch her own shows in addition to your sports and blow em up movies. That means maybe also taking her to a musical , ballet, or symphony occasionally.

Be willing to go shopping with her at least occasionally and let her try on clothes while you watch and tell her what you like.

When problems arise, be willing to talk them out rationally instead of trying to bully her with shouting, pouting or emotionally withdrawing.

When it comes to sex, far too many men are about getting her done, but it really means is getting yourself done, and letting her needs go by the wayside. When it comes to orgasms, it is always ladies first. Don’t just roll over and go to sleep, but hold her and assure her that you love her, hold her and talk to her afterwards. Women want to feel loved and that you are making love with her instead of just using her as a piece of meat.
You need to be in it for the long haul and not look to other women when the going gets tough.

Well women , I invite you to share your thoughts with what I have written. Have I missed anything? Here is your time to explain what I missed. Just be nice in your comments because I was rooting for your team this time.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
This is my new personal credo. Follow the link to another great blogger.

http://stewart-little.com/

The Paradoxical Commandments of Leadership
Posted on August 24, 2010 by stewartmccoy

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest men with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.
7. People favor underdogs, but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.


Sexual Advice For Single Women

April 1, 2012

This is a repost of an older blog when I was not getting nearly as many page views. I re print for your
encouragement. Tomorrow my blog will go over 85,000 page views, yea me and thanks to all my readers.

Blessings on you and yours
John

It is no wonder that you women are more confused than ever. You have been bombarded by multiple conflicting messages about sex and relationships. In a case of “Art Imitating Life” the TV show entitled: Sex in the City demonstrated women’s sense of conflictedness about sex and relationships. They proved to be ultimately clueless and tended to reinforce their own stereotypes. Carrie, the supposed expert on sex based upon her column was just as clueless about men and relationships as the rest of her girlfriends. This illustrates a problem in our society. We do not have any male advice columnists. If you are having trouble with a man, does it not make sense that you would go to a man for advice and counsel? The problem is, is that there are no nationally published male advice columnists.

I have confronted women’s magazine editors over the issue that their advice to women is always written by women. Invariably, these advice writers rarely confront women to tell them that they are doing anything wrong or damaging to their relationship with their man. What you get effectively from these writers is that they pat women on the bottom and reassure them that they are fine and it is the man’s fault. I will address this further in another chapter on how the feminists and the media are ruining your sex life. I will also explain the word MISANDRY in that chapter. It is a word and a concept that you really need to become familiar with and to be proactive in combating.

I differ from women advice columnists in that I am equal opportunity proponent. I take on men when they need to be confronted, and I take on women as well. I explain how each hurts their relationship, wittingly or unwittingly. If you really want to learn things and make things better in your relationship and are willing to hear critique, then I am your guy. If you just want me to be patronizing and pat you on the fanny and tell you that you are wonderful, don’t read my column.

Not only will I take on the feminists and the media, I will take on the church as well. I can do this because I was formerly a Baptist minister.

The church ignores the sexual issues that are contained in the Bible. There are numerous positive messages in the Bible about sex. There is even a school for sex mandated in the New Testament for women in how to love their husbands that you never hear preached or taught on.

According to the Bible, sex is a gift from God. All you ever hear in church are the “thou shall nots” about sex, you never hear any positive messages on sex or the positive commands about sex in the Bible.

You can’t trust the media either. All they ever want to do is print the sensational and the salacious. Truth is rarely found in the pages of the media. For example, according to the media, they often quote: “The world’s oldest profession” is prostitution. This is not even close to being true. If the media had any integrity, and believe me they don’t, they would tell you about all of the other professions that came before prostitution. You can find these professions listed in the Bible in succession: Shepherd, farmer, contractor, rancher, musician, blacksmith, hunter, boat-builder, winemaker, well digger and then prostitution. None of that of course is sensational and would not sell newspapers, so they sacrifice truth for sensationalism, expediency and profits. Trust nothing that you read in print without checking it out with numerous other sources.

Now let me give you some very important advice about sex and men, especially if you are single. Sex in dating has become so devalued that it is looked on as little more than a good night kiss. It is not a question of if, but only when you have sex with a guy you are dating.

I submit to you that you need to become much more selective about engaging in sex. Women have adapted the practice of having sex with the guy and hoping for the best. You are invariably disappointed. You are looking for that “knight in shining armor” to sweep you off of your feet. You want the “happily ever after” of love marriage and children. I submit to you that you need to get to know early on what the man is all about and what his goals are in terms of love and marriage. Often guys are just looking to have fun with a woman and have casual sex. In other words, many of them are just looking to get laid. You need to get rid of those guys before you ever let them into your bed and into your pants. You really don’t want to just be used as someone’s piece of ass.

Too many of you are so taken with romance that you don’t want to ask any hard questions up front, to your own detriment. The problem is, that for every guy that you sleep with that does not develop into a relationship, you become a little harder, more jaded and cynical and less trusting. You must guard your heart and your body. We have epidemic venereal diseases today, some of which are lifelong, or even fatal. Before you let that guy into your pants, you need to see a very recent negative Aids test and testing for all other venereal diseases like Herpes. I know that sounds very cold and unromantic, but I am trying to be pragmatic here and protect you. You need to protect yourselves. Any guy worth having will not have a problem with doing this for you. If he is unwilling, run the other direction.

The other thing is that you want to know that he has a good job that he can provide for your family. You also want to know if he is seriously marriage and family minded. What kind of father does he aspire to be? These are questions that you need to have answered before you ever engage in sex with him. If he passes on all of these questions and you are still considering sleeping with him and he still wants to be with you, he needs to pass one final test before you have sex with him. You need to ask him to read the part of this book that teaches men how to make love with you. Sadly, there is no “SCHOOL FOR SEX FOR MEN” out there to teach them how to make love with you and satisfy you. You already know from experience that what I am saying is true. Most men are just clueless about making love with a woman. Even if he is reasonably okay in bed, reading my instructions will make him fantastic in bed. Don’t you want to have a great sex life? So bottom line is to have him read my instructions and reassure you that he is willing to follow those directions in bed. If he does this, then have sex with him. This will take 3 or 4 dates to find this information out. You could take matters into your own hands and go online to dating sites and put all of this in your profile. You don’t need to date a lot of men, you need to date a few quality men that are already pre-screened by your clear description of what you are looking for in a man that is contained in your profile. Yes, I know that it will scare a lot of men off. That is my idea. You don’t need the men that it will scare off, you need the men who read it and it makes sense to them. We have a model of what a good man should look like in the Bible as listed in the following verses:

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it;…so men out men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church;…For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh…Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; Ephesians 5: 25,28,29,31,33

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to the knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers might not be hindered. I Peter 3:7

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking who he may destroy. I Peter 5:8

I would even encourage you to put these scriptures in your profile in describing the kind of man that you are looking for. You are then again by using these scriptures in your profile pre-screening guys that are not seriously marriage minded.

I know that you still dream of the “happily ever after”. According to David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead who are co-directors of the Marriage Project at Rutgers University, they have found the following factors yield the best chance at long-lasting satisfying marriage: having similar goals and interests, know each other well but don’t live together before they get married, come from intact families, marry after age 25, and are not expecting a child, similar in age, race, religion, political beliefs, education, intelligence and values. The payoff of a good marriage is personal happiness, more and better sex than singles, economic success, health and long life, and very positive benefits for the children.

This is the kind of advice that I have given to single women in my family. If you follow it, you have a much higher chance of having “happily ever after”.


A New Milestone

March 17, 2012

I just went over 80,000 page views. Yea Me. With WordPress new stats page I can now follow how
many countries are tuned into my blog. Would you believe that I have readers in over 101 countries.

I started this blog to help people with their personal lives, their marriages and most importantly their sex lives.
My comments have been overwhelmingly positive on here and I thank all the readers and commenters for your input.
One wonders if there is anybody out there actually reading your advice.

My number one detractors have been women for whom I have held accountable in their role with their men.
This is not surprising as the number one complaint that I get in my practice of marriage, relationship and
sexual coaching is that women don’t make it safe for men to tell them the truth if it has anything at all
to do with critiquing the woman. Women invariably will go all defensive, yell, scream, call him names
and/or cry with the goal of teaching that no good man to never do it again. What they do is kill their
own relationships. They ALWAYS reserve the right to critique husband but does not believe in the husbands
EQUAL RIGHTS to critique her.

If you force someone to shut up and keep their feelings to themselves like that you are in the process
of killing your own marriage or relationship. They will withdraw away from you and eventually the relationship
will fail.

Women you need to be able to listen to your man’s complaints about you and instead of going all postal on him you
need to ask him: “in what ways can I resolve this or make this better for you?” and then listen and follow his ideas
as much as possible. The relationship that you save can be your own. This is doubly important if you have
kids at home. Kids in a single parent family have the odds staggeringly negative against them. Most of the
problems in our country can be directly or indirectly traced to single parent families.

I am open to critique on this milestone. I am also open to guest posts on here. So feel free to drop me a note
in the comments section or drop me a line at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com. Also if you are having marriage, relationship
or sexual problems I will be only too happy to help you. I give an unheard of in the industry money back
gurantee.

blessings on you and yours
John Wilder


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