Here Are Some Great Survival Tips for Dating After Divorce For Men

February 19, 2012

Dating After Divorce Tips for Men

If you’re a man who has recently found himself sans wedding ring due to the legal termination of a marriage, you might be toying with the idea of dating again. But anyone (even you tough guys) who has been through a divorce knows that putting the goods back out on the market can be difficult and even a little intimidating. So before you do, be sure to check out the following tips to make the leap into the dating pool a successful swim that won’t leave you gasping for air and in need of CPR:

Take the time to get over it. Sure, you might think that the best way to heal an old wound is with a new band aid; but if you start dating new women before your divorce is even finalized, you could be setting yourself up for yet another serious disaster. When you get into a new relationship too soon, there is the threat of infecting your new relationship with issues from your past. So take the time you need to get over your marriage and focus on yourself for a little while in order to be the best you for the next lucky lady who strolls into your life.

Focus on the positives. Anyone who has been through the debilitating agony of a divorce knows that it has a way of completely tearing you down to a point where you feel like you can’t go on another day. Of course you’ve been through hell and there are bound to be times like this; but it is important to try and stay positive—especially when you are dating again. No new woman wants to sit there as you cry and complain about that gold-digging, two-timing ex-wife of yours who left you in financial and emotional ruins. Instead, talk about the parts of life that you enjoy, keep things light and do your best to let your positivity shine through—there is nothing more attractive to a woman than that.

Don’t compare. The whole point of dating is to explore what all is out there, right? So if you’re dating someone new and all you can think about is how she stacks up to the likes of your ex-wife, don’t expect for the new relationship to pan out successfully. The “ex” prefaces the word “wife” for a reason. Instead of judging the new lady in your life and writing her off just because she doesn’t cook your grilled cheese sandwiches just the way the former Mrs. did, embrace the opportunity you have to get to know someone new and accept them who they are—you never know, she just might be able to heat things up in the kitchen better than your ex used to!

Learn from your mistakes. When you reflect back on your marriage, there are sure to be some things that you wish you could change. And while you shouldn’t harp on the mistakes you made and focus only on what might have been with your ex-wife, you should however think about what you can do to make sure that you don’t fall into the same bad habits in your new relationship. Rather than living in the past, try to look at it as a learning experience to grow from and move on to a brighter, happier future.

One of the key things is learning to have peaceful conflict resolution without hurting your girlfriend or new wife. Here is a link to a great article to help you to do that. Peaceful conflict resolution is mandatory if you expect your new relationship to work.

http://www.spirituallyraw.com/profiles/blogs/the-holy-grail-how-to-stop-fighting-with-your-spouse-or-relatives

Another thing is that too many of you guys are still stuck in that old adolescent sexuality of wham bam thank you maam. You need to do it much better. Here is a link to make you into a hero in the bedroom. Believe me, women talk about your sexual performance. If you follow these sex tips, you will be better than 95% of the guys out there and the best that your woman has ever had and she will be much more accomodating of your sexual needs. Thank me later.
https://marriagecoach1.wordpress.com/2011/04/22/forreplay-and-afterplay-how-to-be-a-hero-in-the-bedroom/

And finally, most likely you will be dating women with kids and you need to learn how to deal with step kids. You must understand that they will not welcome you into the family. These kids are still grieving the loss of their parents as a family. They will do anything in their power to break you up and often succeed.

You need to have a meeting of the minds with your new woman and provide a united front to the kids both hers and yours.
One of the most common techniques in their little demon arsenal is saying: “you can’t tell me what to do, you are not my dad” or mom. The answer is simple. You say and get your woman to say as well, no I am not your dad, but I am a parent in this house and you have to do what I say because I am an adult charged with your care while you are over hear as well as your mom.

It would be a great idea to have a meeting with the kids and explain to them that you and your woman will not put up with these kinds of battles but they can have their say as long as it is respectful and then go over the rules of peaceful conflict resolution with them as well. If they break the rules there must be consequences to that. Have a family meeting with you and the woman and the kids and decide among yourselves what those consequences are. This will go a long way to insuring more domestic tranquility and preserving the relationship. Why don’t you email us with your tips on how to do it better.

Sabrina Jackson is a guest post author who shares her advice to men for dating post-divorce. In addition, Sabrina also contributes articles to Best Dating Sites where she provides information about safe dating on the web.
http://www.100bestdatingsites.org


75 Ways To Show Love For Your Partner

February 17, 2012

This is from my favorite blogger on the internet. For some of you women who have attacked me recently it might surprise you to know that the author of this blog is a woman whom I greatly admire.
Read and enjoy and give love to your partner.
John Wilder

Busy & Living Pretty

75 Ways to Show Love
Posted on February 15, 2012 by A

If you’re married or in a serious relationship, you’re no stranger to the phrase, “I love you.” You can say those 3 little words to your partner one million times, but we all know that it has to be followed up with action.

Showing love isn’t an exact science. We all speak different love languages, so you may show love in a way that your spouse doesn’t understand (and vice versa). Well, it doesn’t have to remain that way.

Happy couples’ love for each other and dedication to the relationship lead to many adjustments in the way they show love to each other. If what you’re doing isn’t working for your relationship, it may be time to change your approach. Use this list of 75 ways to show love as a guide to loving your mate in a way that may save your relationship or just take it to a new level of awesomeness.

1. A kiss on the forehead
2. Uninterrupted quality time
3. A note under the pillow
4. Tell him when he looks masculine, sexy, or hot
5. Turn a regular day into an All-About-You day just for your mate
6. Breakfast served in bed
7. A romantic picnic indoors
8. An unexpected dinner cruise
9. Propose marriage on one knee
10. Don’t complain when he leaves the toilet seat up
11. A rose on the pillow
12. Tell her she’s beautiful
13. Pour on the chivalry (open doors, pull her chair out)
14. A bubble bath with rose petals and her favorite scented candles
15. Verbalize what your relationship means to you
16. Surprise her with her favorite flowers and candy
17. An “I love you because…” list
18. PDA (public displays of affection)
19. Heart shaped pancakes or cookies
20. A walk in the park together
21. Hold your beloved a little tighter and longer than usual
22. Do some of his/her chores
23. A handwritten card sprayed with your scent
24. Spoil each other
25. Renew your marriage vows
26. Be first to say “I’m sorry” after an argument
27. Personalize (i.e. engrave) gifts
28. Place an “I love you” flyer under the car’s windshield wiper
29. Send a surprise gift to his/her workplace
30. Support each other’s dreams
31. Make love slowly, passionately
32. Run his bath water
33. Give your spouse space when needed
34. Buy her feminine hygiene products (before she asks)
35. Bring him a cold beer while he watches football
36. Put a love note in her purse
37. Hold hands
38. Take showers together and wash each other’s back (or whole body)
39. Look deeply into your lover’s eyes
40. Always kiss goodbye and goodnight
41. Boast about your mate and your relationship to mutual friends
42. Arrange for a babysitter so you can have an unexpected date night
43. Say how much you love each other even if you think it’s known
44. Use cute pet names for each other
45. Rub your noses together
46. Remember to say thank you (often)
47. Excuse each other’s mistakes
48. Meditate together
49. Sleep in his t-shirt
50. Wash her hair
51. Step outside of traditional gender roles to help each other (Cook dinner for her; take the trash out for him)
52. Verbally reassure your lover
53. Take photographs as a couple
54. Give up the last piece of food on your plate
55. Write a short fairy tale using you and your mate as the characters (Once upon a time…”)
56. Listen more intently
57. Flirt with each other
58. Sing your significant other a love song
59. Get up early to help him/her get ready for work
60. Say “I adore you”
61. Watch a chic flick with her
62. Kiss your mate somewhere you never thought to kiss before (i.e. elbow, knee, toe)
63. Initiate affection (hugs, kisses, spooning)
64. Take good care of yourself so that you’re at your best for the one you love
65. A handmade gift or card
66. Write a sweet message on a fogged-up mirror so he/she will see it after exiting the shower
67. Cook your significant other’s’ favorite meal
68. Feed each other chocolate covered strawberries
69. Cuddle by the fireplace
70. Laugh and have fun with each other
71. Rub his/her feet
72. Create a scrapbook together
73. Start a hobby together
74. Dance indoors to your favorite song
75. Ask about each other’s day

Healthy relationships survive because both partners keep trying. They know the secret–that love is a verb. Loving your spouse or lover means taking action to help keep love (the feeling) alive and flourishing.

Source: http://blog.self-improvement-saga.com/2010/09/ways-to-show-love/


Marriage Counseling Versus Coaching, Choose Coaching If You Want Results

January 23, 2012

Marriage Counseling Versus Marriage Coaching

COACHING VERSUS COUNSELING

There is a dirty little secret in the marriage counseling industry. 75% of all couples who go to marriage counseling end up being divorced. There is a quiet revolution taking place in this country where some forward thinking counselors are abandoning the traditional counseling methods and adopting a “coaching” style. A couple of well known counselors have made the transition like Michelle Weiner Davis, author of: DIVORCE BUSTING and Dr. Willard Harley, author of HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS.

Part of the problem is how services are delivered. One hour once a week is insufficient to do the job. Another part of the problem is philosophy of treatment. Counseling concentrates on couples talking about their feelings. Coaching concentrates on resolving the problem.

Think about this for a minute. If couples seek out marriage counseling, the marriage is likely in deep trouble where the stress level is such that they are considering divorce. Now think about the “medical model” for a minute: If you had serious heart trouble, would you want to go to a cardiologist whose record is that 3 out of 4 patients under his care die? If you had a very serious life threatening cut, would you be happy with a doctor who said, I am going to put one stitch in you now, and you come back in week and I will put another stitch in you and keep coming back once a week for the next 20 weeks and we will have you all stitched up? If you had Strep Throat would you be happy with a doctor who says that he will give you a little antibiotic and keep coming back for 20 weeks until the infection is cleared up? Would you want accept any of those treatment plans

Would you accept firemen coming out to your house and telling you that they are going to put a little of the fire out and that they would come back the next week and put a little more of the fire out and keep coming back until the fire is out? There is no other profession that attempts to resolve a problem utilizing this paradigm.

The reason that it is done this way is not because it is what is best for the patients, but it is what is best for the insurance industry who will only reimburse for one hour once a week. Actuaries (these are guys who are the bean counters for the insurance companies) have figured out that couples will abandon the process long before they resolve the problem thus saving the insurance company money.

Another part of the problem is the philosophy of counseling style where the counselor assumes a neutral position. Mediation services don’t follow this style. The mediator takes two opposing sides and takes charge and is a referee suggesting alternative solutions to both sides and maintains order during the process. They also roll up their sleeves and over the course of several hours resolves the problems or makes great strides in resolving the problem in a minimum of sessions in a very short period of time. Couples don’t need to talk about their feelings, they need to resolve the problems. They need to be taught relationship skills. There is an old Chinese proverb which states: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime”. Couples need to be taught conflict resolution skills which do not come naturally. What comes naturally is fighting.

Going back to the medical model, you don’t leave a patient with a high fever for weeks at a time, you treat the fever and what is causing the fever in a short period of time. Couples in crisis are having the equivalent of serious fever. They are in stress because the “Fight or Flight Syndrome” causes huge adrenaline rushes which can’t be easily sustained over weeks of time. The stress is very hard on the body and is a leading cause of heart disease. The collateral damage happens to the children in the family. The toxic mood in the house is equivalent to torture for them because they are helpless and can’t do anything about it.

Clearly the treatment model for counseling needs a paradigm shift. We need to first resolve the problems in a short period of time, teach couples conflict resolution skills and relational skills and to lobby the insurance industry to adopt a different reimbursement model. Insurance companies need to pay for hours of service rendered and not dictate to the counselor how he structures the time element in the therapy.

As a couple, you need to seek out a marriage coach to help you resolve your problems. You will have to pay for it out of your own pocket, but it is a much more effective therapy and far cheaper than divorce.

Most coaches will deal with couples by phone or on the internet by Individual Messenger (IM).This saves time and money. Many couples don’t like to drive to an office. This way you can deal with your problems in the comfort of your own home .


Great Second Date Ideas, Or For Anytime For That Matter

December 29, 2011

Great Inexpensive Second Date Ideas

May 24

Posted by marriagecoach1

3 Votes

Great Inexpensive Second Date Ideas For Men and Women

You have reached that magical second date. What to do, where to go. Great possibilities are in the air, you don’t want to blow it now. What do you do?

Well the idea is that you want to do something that is fun, but you want to keep the conversation going because this is about getting to know each other. You want to have fun, but you still need to get to know each other and that involves conversation, a lot of it. The last thing that you want to do is go to the movies. You can’t or shouldn’t talk in the movies. So I have come up with some great ideas.

Ideally the date should start with breakfast. This makes for an early day and time for the activity and a natural stopping point if the date does not go well after the activity. If the date goes well, you stop for lunch and continue the conversation.

ART SHOWS These are great because you are outside. This makes for walking and talking and viewing and discussing art. It never hurts to add a little class to the date. You get brownie points for suggesting it.

STATE FAIRS OR LOCAL FAIRS This has the example of also being outside, cheap and involves walking, talking and viewing exhibits.

AIR SHOWS Air shows are a blast that most people have never attended. They involve static airplane displays and aerobatic maneuvers by planes in the air. It is also either free or cheap. They are free on military bases and very cheap at local airports. They allow you to bring in food and drinks in coolers or the local food vendors are very inexpensive. Again they are outside and involve walking and talking. Do you see a recurring theme taking place here.

ART AND CRAFT SHOWS These tend to be inside when the weather is bad. Again with the walking, talking and viewing things and discussing them.

HOME AND GARDEN SHOWS You get the idea, more inside walking, talking and seeing things.

A LONG WALK preferably along any body of water. Water naturally sparks conversations.

A PICNIC It sounds old fashioned and romantic. It can be spur of the moment where you stop at a deli and order the makings for a picnic, fried chicken, potato salad, cold drinks and dessert like cheesecake wedges.

A CAR SHOW This could be inside or outside and again it involves walking and talking and looking at things.

GO BOWLING Lots of fun even if you are no good. It works for inside when the weather is bad.

FLEA MARKETS Involves more walking and talking

HORSEBACK RIDING Romantic and fun, does not involve walking but still doing something, going somewhere and talking. Combine with picnic idea above.

If you are a man, women want men to take charge and lead so pick something and have a backup unless she does not like your first proposal.

If you are a woman, and the guy does not have any ideas, suggest one of these and cut him a little slack. The key is that you are interviewing mr. or ms. right and you need time for lots of free flowing relaxed conversation in a fun environment. Use my ideas or come up with your own and good luck out there.


A Great Guest Post From A Valued Blogger

November 15, 2011

Are You Hunting for Perfection in Your Spouse?
Posted on November 14, 2011 by lorilowe| 4 Comments

The following is based on the introduction to my upcoming book, FIRST KISS TO LASTING BLISS: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage.

Wading waist-deep down Missouri’s Fox River on a hot summer day, I learned to hunt for geodes. These semi-round sedimentary rocks, said to be 350 million years old, contain hidden crystals. The casual hiker sees rocks, but geode hunters notice their cauliflower-shaped exterior and envision gem-like interiors.

At the sweet, shallow spot of “The Fox,” abundant geodes range in size from a newborn’s fist to more than 100 pounds, discovered under the water and lying nearby in the grass, as if tossed there during an Easter egg hunt for us to find. We also found them lodged in the riverbanks with ten feet of earth pressing down on them—half circles poking out of the earthen wall, waiting for erosion to release them into the river.

Geodes’ sparkling interiors are generally white or clear, but some are colored, depending on mineral content. The product of a combination of water, natural chemicals, pressure, and heat, each porous geode is unique. There is no way to tell which will open to reveal a crystal treasure and which will reveal a solid mass or a greasy ball of sediment.

We’re a lot like geodes, and so are our marriages. Without exception, we feel pressure from all sides, which can at times feel like the weight of the world. There is no shortage of muck dredged up in our society and no way to prevent seepage of this sediment into our lives. Some people, like geodes, use stressful situations to help shape, improve, and crystallize themselves. Others crumble under the pressure, store the muck for someone else to discover, or become hardened masses—of no real value to others.

For my upcoming book, FIRST KISS TO LASTING BLISS: Hope & Inspiration For Your Marriage, I interviewed happily married couples across the country, some who have faced intense adversity—the kind that would pummel most marriages—yet became closer as a result. I tried to discover what made some marriages succeed despite hardship, while others wash away with the first storm. Successful couples don’t just “overcome” adversity; instead, they become changed by it and incorporate what they have learned into a more perfect union.

We’re all hunting for perfection—in ourselves, in others, and in our relationships. We won’t find it by looking at the outer shell. Just as there isn’t just one path for creating an ideal geode (volcanic geodes differ greatly in composition and form from Mexican “coconut” geodes, for example), there certainly isn’t one recipe for an extraordinary marriage, although there are some common ingredients. Since we have different needs and personalities, no magic technique will work for all marriages. Still, despite our range of challenges, we humans share similar fears, desires, and longings. So when some couples uncover what makes a marriage—even one fraught with major obstacles—work well, we want to hear their story, to draw our own conclusions and to add them to our own life experiences. Success stories are all around us if we listen.

At some point, all marriages will face intense pressure. Will the pressure change you? Undoubtedly. Will it break you apart? Maybe. It may also create something entirely new and better than expected, like the twin-chambered geode, a merger of two hollow geodes. Learning how others have handled crises can help you prepare for your own.

Lest we think true love is a one-in-a-million find, consider that each spring, countless geodes are released from the earth, a seemingly impossible product of millions of years of time and energy. Be open to the possibility that your hunt for perfection is over, that your marriage is perfect but unfinished, being honed by outside forces, in the same way that a child is a perfect but incomplete person—no less perfect because of he or she is in the early stages in life.

The couples profiled in this book are from different generations and walks of life, but they all became united in their difficulties. Those who faced multiple tests found their marriage became stronger with each one. Each couple found joy together, even amidst chaotic lives. These are not couples who merely “stuck it out”; theirs are great love stories whose commitment is not dependent on their circumstances. I hope they contribute to your own love story.

First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage will be available December 8th on Amazon.com. To learn more, go to http://www.LoriDLowe.com. The book’s Facebook page is http://www.Facebook.com/LastingBliss.


The Holy Grail, How To Stop Fighting with your Spouse and Relatives

September 1, 2011

This blog post was reposted on the Spiraturally Raw Website and thanks to April for posting it.
John Wilder

All Blog PostsMy BlogAddTHE HOLY GRAIL! How To STOP FIGHTING With Your Spouse or Relatives & Conflict RESOLUTION SKILLS!!! Posted by April Villarose-Matta on September 1, 2011 at 1:00pm
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How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse or Relatives, Good Conflict Resolution Skills

Nothing kills your sex life and hurts your relationship like fighting. It is imperative for the health and continuation of your relationship to learn to resolve conflict peacefully. I always tell my relationship and sexual coaching clients to go home and rent two movies and study them: THE BREAKUP and WAR OF THE ROSES. It is another example of art illustrating and imitating life. Now there is no such thing as a couple who are going to agree on everything.

The key to a good relationship is being able to resolve those differences without hurting each other and inflicting damage on the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is one of the keys to having a good relationship and great sex life.

QUESTION: Are you combative or collaborative?

Do you want to win the fight or resolve the problem?

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR PARTNER!

Ask, “In what way can we solve this problem?”

When you attack your spouse, they tend to want to counter attack which only escalates the problem. Instead of accusing your partner, Make the problem and its solution mutual rather than a contest and argument.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage from the Bible is obvious and requires no interpretation. It is a simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason for this should be obvious. You know when you and your spouse are fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses and damages the relationship. There is another reason: your children sense the tenseness or worse yet see you fighting. It scares them and they have no way to resolve it, make it better or the ability to get away from it. This is literally torture for your children. It upsets their digestion, their sleep, and their emotional well being. Fighting in front of children is never okay. If you really need to have a fight, find a way to get the children somewhere else where they don’t witness it.

There is a syndrome called Fight or Flight Syndrome. This is a coping system in people and animals. Men tend to feel it more profoundly because of the testosterone in their systems and because nature gives them a strong “protector instinct”. What happens when you feel stressed and threatened, the body releases massive amounts of adrenaline in your body. The purpose of this adrenaline is a simple survival mechanism. The idea is that you can use the adrenaline to run away from your opponent or predator faster than they can chase you and catch you. The other option is that you have so much adrenaline in you that you are able to successfully fight off an enemy or predator. The body is designed to be releasing and dissipating this adrenaline by either fighting or fleeing in a very short period of time. When you do neither, it creates a tremendous amount of stress in you that is not good for the body. It is internalized. Imagine having the need to urinate or sneeze and you can’t do it and you are stuck. It is a miserable feeling. In fact this kind of unrelieved stress is one of the main causes of heart disease and heart attack. When you internalize this stress rather than venting it through fighting or fleeing, you do a lot damage to the body and the relationship. Many times violence can ensue especially with men. This is why the Bible is so clear and unequivocal about resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back that notion up:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother (friend, wife, husband, other relative) has anything against you; Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words it is so important to resolve the problem immediately because of how an argument can fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that you leave church in the middle of the service to go and reconcile the problem.

LOSE YOUR TEMPER

People will often say that they lost their temper. In fact, they used their temper. Couples often use anger to control and manipulate each other, usually one is stronger than the other and bullies their partner with their anger. Men because of their superior strength tend to use that strength to bully the wife and sometimes hit the wife. This is unhealthy for the relationship and is inexcusable according to the following biblical passages:

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

God gave us men superior strength so as to use it to protect our wives and family, not use it against her. Men note the message at the end of the verse; if you misuse your strength against your wife, God will not answer or heed your prayers. That is a powerful warning that is not nearly emphasized enough in churches or Sunday schools today. There is far too much violence against women. I believe that the disrespect and violence against women by men is in large part responsible for the rise of feminism in this country. While feminism has in this writer’s opinion swung entirely too far the other way, one should not dismiss the feminist notions as completely without merit. There were and are legitimate causes for anger on the part of women. The Christian response to some of these concerns was another movement called: Promise Keepers. It is a Christian men’s organization whose principle tenants are that we as men need to be better husbands, fathers and Christian leaders.

Here are scriptures relating to anger especially notable to men.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8

A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18

Women you also have a responsibility to keep a happy and peaceful home. There are numerous commands in the Bible regulating your conduct with your spouse as well. The following verse is representative of those commands.

The contentions of a wife are like a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words like a continual dripping faucet.

We can all agree that men should not physically beat on women. Many times as indicated in the above biblical passages, women don’t have a problem beating verbally on men. The problem is, not only does it hurt your relationship but is very problematic for the husband for a number of reasons. By verbally beating on the husband, you cause the fight or flight syndrome to turn on and gives him tremendous unresolved stress. When the argument goes on, it makes it worse for the man and he gets more and more stressed to where he can explode and hit the wife. Your children are also stressed in this way. They feel the stress of that same Fight or Flight Syndrome and they are powerless to do anything about it. Continued stress of this type can cause heart disease and heart attack.
So the Bible is pretty explicit that hasty anger is not good for relationships and that anger needs to be controlled. Anger is not to be used to beat someone with or to get our own way by manipulating and intimidating them.

However the Bible does not say that you can’t get angry. You can get angry, but you have to control the anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So you see that anger is a human emotion, but you must control it, not use it as a weapon but express it so as to resolve the problem. Often when a person gets angry, they start yelling and raising their voice. This is simply a ploy to try and scare someone or attempt to manipulate someone. This is not an appropriate use or expression of anger. Screaming is an equal opportunity sin by both men and women. It also causes the Fight or Flight Syndrome that was previously spoken about. Invariably when one person yells, then the other person responds in kind which simply escalates the argument and gets it to the point where people are out of control. Here is what the Bible says about that:

A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

So how do you keep peace with your spouse when there is anger over an issue?

The key is to keep emotion out of it. The first rule when your partner is angry about something is to SHUT-UP AND LISTEN.

You let them get everything out that is bothering them. Now the temptation here is to interrupt them and correct them over an issue that you feel like they are unjustly accusing you of. False accusations are not that abnormal as people tend to over-reach when they are angry. You wait until they are completely done before you try and correct them. The key is that you want the spouse to get out all of their frustrations. If you interrupt them, it just makes them madder. You keep quiet until they are done. Once you feel like they are done, you ask them if they are done. Sometimes, they are just taking a breath and re-grouping their thoughts. If they have more to say, listen. If it is a lot, take notes on what they are complaining about so you don’t forget or try to interrupt them to tell them you can’t remember everything that they said. Once they assure you that they are done, then you ask them if it would be okay for you to repeat back the main points of their argument so that you are sure that you understand and don’t want to forget anything. Usually they will be tickled to do that. Once you have re-stated the case, ask them if this is everything that they talked about. Once they have agreed that you have all of their points. You then go to the next step. The next step is to ask them: “in what way can I fix this and make it right? There is nothing to argue about with this point. They will usually have an idea on what you can do to make it right and they will tell you. You can then go back and correct what you feel like they unfairly accused you of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, you simply quietly state that you disagree with the point that you feel like they unjustly accused you of. Now if what they are asking for is unreasonable, you counter offer and suggest that you feel like that what they are asking for is too much but you are willing to counter offer a solution. You then can begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If you can take the anger and attacks out of the argument and make it about problem solving, it is much easier to resolve.

AVOID THE “YOU DO IT TOO” RESPONSE

You need to address the complaint of your spouse and deal with it responsibly instead of trying to say they do the same thing or something else similar. Once that the conflict is resolved to your mate’s satisfaction, then if you have complaints ask to take your turn at voicing your complaints.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

There is a good way to negotiate. You can say: “alright on a scale of 1-10 how do you rate this?” If your partner says for them it is an 8 and for you it is only a 4, you agree to give them their way. Again this is just about problem solving rather than attacking each other. You can always propose an alternative solution. In assessing the degree of the problem, you have to be honest. You can’t just claim it is a 10 all of the time. You have to honestly rate the severity of the problem as well as the spouse has to rate it honestly. Make allowances for whoever has the bigger problem. This is peaceful productive problem solving.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

There are times that you are just diametrically opposed to their proposed solution and the two of you can’t reach an agreement. You could start beating on each other emotionally or you could “agree to disagree”. There is nothing wrong with that. In this way, no one is wrong, you are both convinced that you are both right but neither party will concede. Just agree to disagree.

Flipping a Coin To Decide the Problem

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs 18:18.

When getting to a solution is imperative and neither side will budge then the only peaceful solution is to settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree and stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Mathew 5:9

Due to the sinful nature of man, we have a natural predilection to fight among ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society at large and families in particular. Will you endeavor to be a peacemaker in your own home?

And a further biblical note:

If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18

You can’t make anyone do right, but you can control how you react and what you put into the relationship. Are you doing everything that you can in your relationship to live peaceably with your spouse?

DEALING WITH A SPOUSE WHO WON’T STOP YELLING

If you are faced with a partner that yells and gets verbally abusive and won’t be calmed down and this is habitual, you have to make a change. You can’t force the person to behave appropriately. What you can do is to remove yourself form the situation. You simply go get your keys and get in the car and leave for several hours. Don’t answer your cell phone or texts from the person demanding that you come back. After several hours, you come back home and tell the person that you will talk if they are willing to talk to you without verbally abusing you and yelling at you. If they start in again, you simply leave again and stay overnight somewhere if necessary. It is not likely that you will have to do this more than 3 times and the person will realize that you are no longer going to put up with the abuse. If you don’t take a stand and make it stick, the abusive person will continue the abuse.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t call your spouse names or use insulting or demeaning language to them, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse.
7. Do not interrupt, it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme to a more appropriate meaning:

Sticks and stones can only break your bones, but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

When you can’t resolve the problems between the two of you then seek out the services of a mediator, or a relationship coach.

Or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

John Wilder


Tell Tale Signs To Watch For in Initial Dating That Reveal a Person’s Character

August 20, 2011

Figure out your date quickly

By Amy Spencer

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This is a great guest post from Match.com. I would like to add that how a man tips and treats wait staff is an important show of
character. Ask a woman to wear a dress to your first date and then note her reaction. If she agrees then she is a good choice
if she gets all angry then better to just ditch that first date and keep on looking. This simple question will reveal much
about her character and how she is at giving you you desires and wants.

Go ahead, Google your date all you want. But the fact is, you can find out even more about that special someone by sharing a few particularly telling date-night activities together. Certain activities, you see, bring out the best or worst in people — and contain hidden clues about how he or she will treat you. Suggest doing one of these things during your time together and you’ll have plenty of information!

Activity #1: Share a communal meal
Instead of choosing the standard dinner fare, take your date to a place that encourages — or better yet, requires — that you share what you order, whether that’s fondue, Korean barbecue, or tapas. Suddenly, the “I’ll order mine, you order yours” rule is out the window, so you’ll get the real scoop on how well he or she can compromise. When you suggest something exotic, does your date seem open to it or make a face while steering you toward something else on the menu? Once the food arrives, there’s more to learn. Those who get territorial about the dish they wanted or seem leery of infringing on “yours” or “your half” all suggest that the give-and-take that relationships require won’t come naturally, warns Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of DSI: Date Scene Investigation. The true keepers are those who will voluntarily dump the last morsel on your plate and won’t mind if you’ve double-dipped. (After all, if your date can’t handle sharing a little saliva over nachos and salsa, how is this person ever going to handle more intimate moments, like kissing?)

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Activity #2: Play a game
Want to know how your date plays the game of life? Pit yourself against your partner in pool, darts, miniature golf, or stay home and have a battle on the Xbox or Kinect. As you’re playing, ask yourself: Is your date playful or serious about scoring? Does this person curse when losing or gloat when winning? “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to win, but you’ll learn a lot if your date has to win,” points out Sharyn Wolf, a Manhattan psychotherapist and the author of Guerilla Dating Tactics: Strategies, Tips and Secrets for Finding Romance. If your date’s got a serious competitive streak, you’d be fooling yourself to think it doesn’t carry over to other areas — like his or her love life. “These people will see arguments as win/lose propositions, too, and they won’t quit until they’ve won,” warns Kerner. If, however, your date cheers you on when you score a point, that’s a sign of a truly supportive partner, so take note.

Activity #3: Put on your dancing shoes
The next time you’re out, consider dragging your date onto the dance floor — and fear not, this isn’t about having a dance-off. In fact, seeing your date getting down isn’t even about the dancing; rather, it’s about his or her willingness to dance in the first place. “There’s nothing that makes a person more self-conscious than dancing — especially men,” says Wolf. “If your date dances, this shows that the person’s good at surrendering, at not being in complete control in front of others, and that he or she is less concerned about what others will think.” Which is all good information to have!

Activity #4: Take a stroll
Instead of sitting down for a movie or a cup of coffee, step outdoors for a walk through a park and see what happens. Can you two keep the conversation going away from music, food and people-watching? “It’s life without props,” points out Kerner. See how your date handles any lulls in the conversation. The longer this person can wait before filling in the silence, the more comfortable your date is in his or her own skin — and the lower the chances are that what you’re seeing is just a “front” this person has put up in order to impress you.

Activity #5: Go for a drive together
The next time your date offers to drive you somewhere, pay attention to how he or she reacts on the road. “Driving is very, very revealing,” says body language expert Patti Wood (pattiwood.net). “Years ago, I was on a first date with a man who’d turn left at yellow lights and took lots of risks on the road. That told me he was a person who would always live a little on the edge.” Other insights from Wood: lane-changers will probably always be on the lookout for someone better-looking, smarter or richer than you. Picky parkers who always want to go around one more time to see if they can snag a closer spot probably have problems with commitment. Herky-jerky drivers who accelerate and brake so quickly they leave your stomach queasy may have a poor sense of pacing in all areas of their lives. Plus, if you’re driving, see how he or she handles it; nagging that you should slow down, speed up, or otherwise do things differently is a sign this person probably won’t love you just the way you are (starting with your bad driving).

Amy Spencer writes for Glamour, Maxim, New York and Real Simple


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