Sexual Resolutions for The New Year For Men

December 30, 2010

As a marriage and sexual coach, the number one complaint that I get about men from women clients is how lousy you are in bed. Is it any wonder you are not getting more sex? You need to make sure that your woman is well pleasured and satisfied before she is big on letting you use her vagina as a masturbation aid. I have guest posted this column from the girl next door link from Men’s Health Magazine. They have a lot of sexual advice for you guys.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

Question: What’s a smart New Year’s sex resolution all guys should make?

Answer: There are several. At least, that’s what I recently learned when I posed the question to a handful of my girlfriends. Here’s what’s on their wish lists:

· More public displays of affection
· Triple the foreplay duration
· A 1:1 oral sex ratio
· Breaking out the sex toys more often
· Staying awake for at least 10 minutes after sex
· Clean fingernails and hair (freak’s sake, guys)

Nothing too radical, right? That’s because women aren’t looking for you to rewrite the Kama Sutra (although attempting a new position now and then is always fun). What they prefer is that you just put in a renewed effort to connect, share pleasure, and enjoy each other. Need some inspiration? Check out our lists of 10 ways to jumpstart your sex life and 6 steps to be a better lover for ideas on where to begin.

And Happy New Year!


What Men Need From Women

December 22, 2010

This is a guest blog post by a woman who has been reading my blog and agreeing with it. She talks to a lot of sexually frustrated men who are not getting enough sex from their wives. She is not getting enough sex from her husband and she agreed to write this guest post from a woman’s point of view. Feminists be warned. Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

What you should be doing for your husband

After much discussion with many men online I have come to realize that many married men are neglected by their wives. Their sexual needs are not being met, not even coming close. I believe that many married men want to stay loyal to their wives and while many do many others are straying by means of online pornography or chatting with other women and even going to the extent of meeting other women to have their sexual needs met. Why is this happening? I have a few theories. When women marry, they agree to take the vows of loving their husband. But what do they think it actually means? Just to be their companion, to make a life together, to have children together, make a meal for them, do their laundry, while they pay many of the bills.

Men are sexual creatures. They can’t help it. They are wired this way. They need sex, they need the intimacy of their woman, they desire this and this is what makes them feel desired and wanted and loved. How do you think they feel? Like a little child, would you neglect and ignore your child day after day never offering them your love and affection as a mother? Well your husband is like that little boy. How often does he have to go day after day feeling neglected, ignored, never getting love and affection? He helps to provide a home for you, in many cases feeding you, clothing you, giving you the best that he can and what does he hope for in return? Do you think he needs nothing in return? Do you think he doesn’t need that loving caress because all you have to do is cook him a meal, and wash his clothes? Do you forget how good love and sex feels when you have that skin to skin contact? Is he asking too much to want to be loved? And he so wants to please you. Like a little child they want to please their mother. They want to please you sexually and many strive to be so good at it they can’t understand why you don’t want them. Day after day they get rejected, always hoping you’ll be in a good mood to give them some loving. But they continually get rejected, sometimes for weeks, months and even years. They yearn for the physical touch of your body, they yearn for your kiss, they yearn for your recognition. Give them the respect they deserve and love them physically. Suck their cock like you used to when you were dating or early in your marriage. Their cock is their manhood, they’re not just using you for sex it is man’s way of showing his love for you. Be submissive to him, is it really going to hurt you? It doesn’t mean you have to bow down to him, it means he is worthy of getting pleasure from his woman, the same when he goes down on you and gives you oral pleasure he is being submissive to you. He wants to please you. And you should want to please him back and give him that respect that he is worthy of being loved.

I know women don’t appreciate being ignored and neglected. What if your husband went day after day totally ignoring you, just being pleasant or nice, but never offering a smile, a warm touch. They are not there to just keep the bed warm. They need sex. And not because they want to demean you, degrade you, sexual release for a man is important for his physical health, mental health and spiritual health. They show you love every day by fixing things for you, their physical strength is always a plus when needed in the household, they are there to help you, fix your car, sometimes fixing a meal, spending time with the kids. They need your love and attention and for them this comes in the way of bodily contact. And sex is good for the female too, it will no doubt relieve a lot of pressure from you as well.

Do you see it as demeaning to give them head? When did you become afraid of their cock? Do you hate the feeling of being submissive to them because somehow you interpret this as you are a lower specimen. It is not! The nerve endings on their end of their cock is the ultimate pleasure for them. God put those nerve endings there for a reason. It gives them pleasure and why would you not want to pleasure your husband. He is more than willing to lick and suck your pussy and clit. They are more than willing to play with your titties and lick and suck them. Many men are more than willing to massage your body. They want to make love to your body and give you pleasure because giving their woman pleasure is the most important thing for them. It makes them feel like a man that they can do this for you. So why would you not want to reciprocate. Giving your man the sexual love and affection that he needs and desires will make your life and his life the absolute best. He will have a reason for getting up in the morning because he will know that his woman desires him and shows it.

Ladies get a grip – men don’t want to go without sex but sadly many are and perfectly good married men too. Eventually many will start perusing porno, if they aren’t already, they may be attempting to meet other women if they aren’t already. Someone else will make them feel like a man, but let it be the woman he has at home.


Detecting Viruses in Your Marriage

December 17, 2010

Lori has a great blog site called Marriage Gems. I have featured her on my blog several times by reposting her blog in order to give her more exposure. I like to think that I have good things to say about marriage, but her talents make mine look pitiful in comparison. Read it with my continued blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

Detecting a Virus in Your Marriage
Posted on December 15, 2010 by lorilowe| 5 Comments
Last weekend, my computer succumbed to a nasty virus picked up at a rogue recipe web site. (That’s what I get for baking.) When the fake security pop-up appeared, I immediately knew I was in trouble, but it was too late. The more I tried to rid myself of it, the worse the problem became, as the virus duplicated itself and became more entrenched. I disconnected the tower and gave it to a professional, because winning the war against the evil virus developers (and they are evil) wasn’t as critical as preserving what was important to me.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we received blatant pop-ups in our lives every time our marriage faced risk? Sometimes one or both partners is sadly unaware of the drifting that is going on in a marriage. One of them is surprised months or years later to be served with divorce papers. The fact is, if we’re not working to improve our marriages, we are all drifting southward.

It might help if warning lights blared over our heads when we were in trouble; for example:

When we haven’t made time for a date night in six months, and one or both partners is feeling bored in the marriage.
If a wife meets an attractive new coworker for lunch, then doesn’t even share that with her spouse because she felt a spark and doesn’t want her husband to be jealous.
When a husband feels neglected because his wife focuses all his or her attention on the children.
You argue regularly about money, or the decision-making power that money represents.
If one or both partners is feeling sexually dissatisfied, but isn’t willing to discuss the issues honestly, because they doubt things can be improved.
A spouse doesn’t feel loved or respected in the marriage (even if the partner thinks he or she is showing love/respect).
One partner believes the other isn’t trustworthy. It’s just a feeling.
A wife daydreams about an ex, then connects with him on Facebook.
Someone your spouse says is “just a friend” seems to be overly friendly to your mate—and not to you.
A husband invests all his energy at work then is too tired to engage with his wife.
Either partner wonders, “What if I had made another choice?”
If warning signs were going off, would you understand the urgency to disconnect and focus on the problem? Would you turn to a professional if the problem was just getting worse instead of better? Would you be able to communicate the urgency to your partner?

We have to rely on our own instincts (until someone develops an app for identifying marital risk). It seems when things start going south, problems often gain momentum. Maybe one partner starts complaining to family or coworkers. He or she spends more time with friends outside the marriage or on the Internet looking for escape. The spouses go to bed at different times, avoiding even the chance of intimacy. They pour themselves into work or the kids. It’s the virus duplicating itself, becoming more entrenched in the marriage. If you don’t give it your full attention, it can eradicate even the good parts of the marriage.

The best defense is a good offense. Do the regular virus checks, in the form of very open communication. Make time daily to connect with your spouse about topics other than children, chores and errands. Speak up if there’s someone you aren’t comfortable being around your partner or family. Respect your spouse’s feelings on perceived risks, because s/he is your life partner. Invest in having fun and building memories and experiences together—because you have to build something worth protecting.

What are the biggest marital viruses you see? Do you ever see any warning signs? Is it easier to see the warning signs in other people’s marriages?


5 Sex Tips for Christmas

December 16, 2010

I bring you this little present of a guest post from the online magazine called Betty confidential. Why not add your own holiday themed sex tips to the comments section. Have a very merry and naughty Christimas and a raunchier new year.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

‘Tis the season to get it on in bed! With those chilly temperatures, spending time inside getting hot and heavy with your man, or a special friend, is a great way to stay warm during winter. Check out these 5 holiday themed sex tips to spice up your December!

5. Mistletoe: Hang this over your bed to let your man know that every night is a go during holiday season

4. Candy Cane Vibrator: Grown-ups get toys during the holidays too! Give your sex life a holiday theme by giving yourself the gift that keeps on giving and snapping up one of these holiday theme vibrators.

Read Your New Year’s Sex Resolutions

3. Jingle Bells: Spice up the “you on top” position by reaching around a grabbing his bags of fun while you are riding him. “I love when my girlfriend grabs my balls while we are doing it with her on top,” Brandon from Orange County says. “It kicks the whole sexual experience up a notch!”

2. The Mint Candy Cane Oral Sex Trick: Break off a small piece of mint candy cane, and suck on it until your mouth is coated with the minty tingle. Then slip the piece to the side of your mouth and give your man oral sex. He will love the tingly sensation he feels from the mint (An Altoid or other mint works well, too).

1. Role playing: Dressing up during the holidays can be extra sexy when you play Santa and Mrs. Claus. Who has been nice – and more importantly, who has been naughty?!


21 Things That Women Wished Men Knew

December 9, 2010

Here is a light hearted introduction to women for men. I serve it up from Cotton Candy Magazine as a guest post. I pick a lot on women in my blog, but try to balance it with picking on or teaching men as well and try to make it equal. Read with my blessings.
John Wilder

Love & Relationships 21 Things Women Wish Men Knew
12.08.10
Dolls we’ve all said it at one time or another. “I shouldn’t have to tell him. He should just KNOW.” Well, we’re here to tell you that doesn’t always work with men. As a matter of fact, it rarely works on men. So we’ve decided to give the fellas a little help. You can show this list of 21 things women wish men knew to the beau in your life. And who knows? Maybe you’ll see the about-face in your man that you’re looking for.

1.) Shopping IS therapeutic.

2.) We know when you’re not listening.

3.) There’s no such thing as a white lie from a man.

4.) A man that can cook is REALLY sexy – especially if he likes to cook seven days a week.

5.) Chivalry is NOT dead. Open a door for goodness sake.

6.) Nice guys really do finish last. They’re the ones we’re with in the end.

7.) Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

8.) We LOVE flowers, backrubs and ooo…chocolate. The GOOD stuff.

9.) Intelligence is attractive.

10.) Honesty is even more attractive.

11.) Calling when you said you would shows integrity.

12.) Not calling when you said you would is the kiss of death.

13.) Men don’t own the remote. And why are we watching basketball, AGAIN?

14.) There is no such thing as too many shoes – or skirts, or jackets or handbags for that matter.

15.) Women ARE good drivers.

16.) It takes 50 compliments to offset one thoughtless remark.

17.) No matter how old we are, we love it when men hold our hands.

18.) Decisiveness is attractive. Indecisiveness is so NOT.

19.) We don’t expect you to look like Arnold Schwarneggar. Just be healthy and fit.

20.) We love it when you tell us what you’re thinking.

21.) We are the best thing that ever happened to you.


16 Tricks For Hotter Monogamy

December 4, 2010

I found this article in Men’s Health. Rob was previously commenting on getting along sexually and getting the woman in your relationship to buy into having sex with you. This article explains it better than I did. I offer it as another guest post and commend it to your reading.

Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

16 Tricks for Hotter Monogamy

Most couple reaches a point when the wild lust of exploration becomes a distant, exotic memory. Some of us, when the frisson fizzles, turn elsewhere for passion. Others remain faithful and figure boredom is the price we pay for love. Or you could reclaim the wildness of your first months.

The road to hotter monogamy is simply a matter of mind over monotony. It begins with a pledge to resist the cliché that familiarity breeds lower temperatures, a decision that you will not be doomed to a bleak future of ho-hum, twice-a-month slap ’n’ tickle, and the determination to bring the same appetite for excellence to exalting your partner’s body that you bring to every other arena of your life. Ready to bust your rut and rekindle your sex life? Here are 16 ways to keep the home fires burning.

Love Less, Want More

Energy often fades with time because we grow to love each other too much. Yes, too much. Forget all that treacle about how sex is enriched by attachment. If it were, why are you still flashing back to that tall chick from Dayton who slipped into your dorm room freshman week at Yale and Eli-ed your bulldog?

No, lust can actually be doused by caring. Once we become fully human to each other, the selfishness that arousal requires is often gentled by affection. Now, make no mistake, full-spectrum love is the grand prize of life. So the secret is to build an attachment that is both sacred—as in the sappy hearts-‘n’-flowers stuff—and profane—as in the missus welcoming you home by reenacting the Phoebe Cates—emerging-from-the-pool scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

That requires two strong-hearted and self-defined people. That requires the vigorous, independent, self-reliant love of two self-actualized individuals, not the needy codependent love of one mouse for another. There has to be space between you across which a spark of hunger can arc.

In Fact, Feel Free to Hate Your Beloved

What person in a long-term monogamous relationship isn’t driven nuts by something about his or her partner? Shrinks say this is because we resent our attachment to our partners, and the anger is a way of declaring our autonomy. A couple who stay hot for each other neither deny this anger nor give in to it. They acknowledge it and move forward, trying to soften it with kindness and consideration but without shame for the feeling.

Fondle Feet

Every 2 weeks or so, when you’re watching television together, take her feet in your lap and go to work, massaging away the worries of the world. Note: This is not foreplay; it’s caretaking. If she feels cherished, she’ll get bountiful with her body—maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even this weekend, but much more over the course of a life together than she would if her feet went forgotten.

Make Memories

In the same way that nations and teams are united by events in their history, so too are monogamous couples inspired by great sexual moments in theirs. Just as the Fourth of July is an occasion of American pride, and Game 6 will forever thrill Mets fans, so will your memories of that weekend in Santa Fe or that artful quickie at Cousin Julie’s wedding give your sex life the feel of a great unfolding story.

A sex life needs an album of greatest hits, sessions that stand out from the hundreds of garden-variety get-togethers. How these landmark hookups achieve their vividness isn’t important. It can be their intensity, their location, the props involved, the food, or the music that was the score. If you don’t have such epochal events in your past—or they’re all too far in the past—get to work.

Root, Root, Root for the Home Team

One of the benefits of longevity in a partnership is the chance to enjoy sexual traditions. But be sure to think outside the narrow Valentine’s Day—wedding anniversary—Father’s Day box. Consider annual sporting events as occasions. Have your own post parade on Kentucky Derby afternoon, complete with his-and-hers mint juleps by the bedside in case anybody gets thirsty in the backstretch.

Surely, Game 1 of the World Series deserves a sexual salute. (There is a position in which both partners can see the tube.) On Election Day, celebrate democracy and America by shedding your grace on each other.

Say “I Understand, Baby” and and “Is There Anything I Can Do for You, Doll?”

If hundreds of leading universities ever did such studies, they would show that a woman who feels respected and supported is far more likely to reenact the Jessica Lange—Jack Nicholson fandango from The Postman Always Rings Twice than is a woman who feels her man is an insensitive, self-absorbed jerk. Never argue about the validity of her feelings, even when they’re totally bogus; just acknowledge them.

Of course, you can disagree with her (see above), but be careful to either actually honor her feelings or, if that’s impossible, do a damn good job of acting as though you do. Moreover, though to ears deafened by political correctness, words like baby and doll sound condescending and sexist, to most women in relationships, they sound like love.

Rely on Your Bodies

One of the misconceptions about passionate sex is that it derives from the rest of a strong relationship. A couple who listen to each other, respect each other, and share feelings are, according to conventional wisdom, better able to send each other soaring. But this is another of those chicken-and-egg deals.

Good sex can help create intimacy as surely as it can spring from it. Our culture tends to disrespect the wisdom of our bodies and defer to the far less dependable wisdom of our minds. But our bodies and hungers can connect two people in elemental ways, making them susceptible to each other’s spirits. Submitted for your consideration: As surely as a vigorous sexual life is a result of a good relationship, it’s also a prerequisite for one.

Let Sex Heal

Sometimes when you get mad—no, make that when she gets mad—sex is deliberately withheld, as a punishment for perceived slights. Bad plan. This weaponizes lust. Your sexual loyalty to your partner has to be stronger than some small oversight, like neglecting to call when you were going to be late. Moreover, sex can be just the medicine you need. Touch helps you work your way back to each other. Our hips and hands are sometimes smarter than our brains.

Remember Pitcher Greg Maddux at His Best

Okay, maybe the future Hall of Famer isn’t the sexiest image of all time. But this will help: Change speeds and change locations.

Use Your Tongue

Though we’re uninhibited about things we’ll do to each other, we’re often sheepish about talking about the things we just did. Happy monogamy requires that we get over our shyness and speak freely about what we like and don’t. Sure, we have to put things gently, but we have an obligation to be our own advocates, to tell the truth. Death to prissiness! Be a role model for her. Ask her what she likes and, ahem, likes less.

Now, you have to be prepared to learn that she actually hates the Nigerian Swirl that you have been deploying with such smugness for all these years. But that’s a small price to pay if suddenly everybody’s being candid and sexual yeas and nays are flying all over the room. Two people can love each other very much, but if there’s no frankness about what they dig and what they don’t, there’s little chance that sex will grow richer and deeper and hotter.

Speak of Her Glories

Make sure she knows how beautiful she is and how sexually skilled she is, especially if she isn’t—sexually skilled, that is. All women are beautiful, and people often grow into expectations.

Set Sex Free

In the early days of a partnership, the word sex usually means that some body part is inserted somewhere, and it most often includes at least partial nakedness. But as time goes by, the couple who would keep things exciting takes sex out of the bedroom and broadens its definition to include all kinds of touching. Now, this is no call for just cuddling; a man’s entitled to want everything he wants.

But expand your physical life together to include all the ways a man and woman might touch/endorse each other: a quick make-out session in the laundry room, a supportive shoulder squeeze on the way out the door, a fondling here, a grope there, a caress, a head in a lap, a pinch of an ear, a tender tap. When touch is set free from the ghetto of orgasm, the purposefulness of intercourse drifts through every cove of our connection. This validation turns kittens into tigers, once the kids go outside to play.

Use the Whole Field

If you’re Joe Suburb, that’s not a deck behind your house; it’s an arena. One redwood chair, one lap, maybe a leaf tarp if modesty requires, and—presto!—you’ve got yourself an autumnal invigoration, complete with crickets and intimations of first frost. And your car is more than transportation; it’s a time machine back to the thrill of high-school hallelujahs.

Get Over This Mood Thing

Monogamous relationships often founder because one partner feels free to demur because she’s not “in the mood,” leaving Mr. Faithful, who has, alas, “forsaken all others,” with nowhere to turn with his need. “The mood” is greatly overrated, and if a couple is going to stay happily monogamous, there will have to be some sex had by people who are not exactly “in the mood.” This doesn’t mean that a partner can never demur. A throbbing headache gets you a pass. So too does violent nausea. Or if you’ve received news of a loved one’s death within the last half hour or so or been treated disrespectfully by the petitioner within the last 3 or 4 hours, take a pass all you want.

But not being “in the mood” is death if you expect to keep a relationship warm and energetic. Just like the Highlander, your physical relationship needs some routine maintenance. You go to work when you’re not “in the mood.” You go to the gym when you’re not “in the mood.” When we accept a person’s promise of monogamy, we take on a duty. Come on, take one for the team.

Be a Beast

The hectic pace of life is centrifugal, urging a man and a woman away from each other into separate orbits of less important obligation. But in couples who remain durably warm, Tristan and Isolde always find their way back to each other, if only for a refresher moment every now and then. Make a habit of breaking out of the routine interactions of coming and going by every so often focusing powerfully on her and telling her you love her. Hold her strongly by the arms and command the rest of the world to recede.

There’s a bubble around the two of you, and all that matters in this instant is your fierce love for her. Don’t just say it; add a whisper of growl. You love her like a wolf. Yeah, yeah, sure, your love is deepened by her character and kindness and wit, but its origin had nothing to do with her traits. And yeah, yeah, sure, she’s a good mother, a great cook, a loyal friend, but guess what? Passion doesn’t need a reason. It just is—like the wind in west Texas. Don’t actually say any of this stuff about wolves or west Texas; you’ll frighten her. But if your attitude asserts the wildness of your taste for her, she’ll feel safe.

In the end, the most powerful sex secrets aren’t in technique, in learning to use your fingers like a French flutist or your tongue like an Asian lizard. The secret to keeping the pepper in your pas de deux is to stand up for the primacy of physicality in your life together, resisting the cultural conspiracy that dis-respects your taste for each other and tries to make it a bit player in your passion. Your longing for each other can enrich all of your feelings.

If we lived in a less cynical age, a fellow might argue that monogamy is your best chance at a fevered sex life. A fellow might argue that though it is deprivation of a kind, it’s also an invitation to develop expertise, a chance to take pride in knowing that a certain whimper means “just right,” and that she prefers feathery in the morning but fortissimo at night. A fellow might feel lucky to recognize a certain cadence of hips and offering of lips. A fellow might be glad that she knows his secrets.

Monogamy isn’t beanbag. It takes discipline and love and energy and is best not tried by nonserious men. But done right, the conspiracy of just two is sanctified by its focus, made big and bold and daring by the sheer size of the bet.

All the chips on one number. How’s that for exciting? Spin the wheel.


9 Sex Rules To Break Tonight

December 1, 2010

I found this article on the email magazine Your Tango. Since they always have sex advice, I subscribed and this is their sex advice of the week. Since I am all about making the sex better between couples, I gave them a guest post on my blog. Enjoy
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

9 Sex ‘Rules’ to Break Tonight
SexAdvice106 Comments There’s sex advice — and then there’s sex advice. This week I was on the Today Show — Hoda and Kathie Lee’s special “sex-themed” show — talking about the latter: In other words, sex advice you can actually trust.

Anyone who’s been subjected to enough women’s magazines may well have tried ill-advised “tips” like tying her Scrunchie where the sun don’t shine. (Thanks, Cosmo!) Fact: There’s a lot of stilted, sad and “so 1993” advice still lurking out there.

But we actually deal with sexperts every day, so we’ve done more than our fair share of reading on the subject. (And trust us — as such, we can revive even the deadliest dinner party.) We’ve also come to realize a select few actually know what they’re talking about.

And then there’s just common sense. Things you might know deep down about sex but have forgotten, were talked out of by stupid books like “The Rules,” or are too plain shy to try. We’re here to change that. In fact, in front of God and my mother-in-law (who, thankfully, is in Paris, where all they watch is “Baywatch”), I went on national TV to discuss some of the unofficial societal sex “rules” we’ve all absorbed — but shouldn’t have. (You can see that video below.)

First, nine commonly swallowed sexual misconceptions, and the truth, which shall set your sex life free. Oh, and since we all know there can be too much of a good thing (think: Matthew McConaughey, shirtless), we recommend you not trot them all out tonight, lest your regular bedfellow suddenly wonder whom he brought home. Of course — and this should go without saying — safety first, ladies. The worst sex is the type that ends with you going, “Oh no, what if…?”

9. You Definitely Shouldn’t Fantasize About Someone Else
Whether your tastes run more toward David Beckham or Zach Galifianakis, there’s no good reason you should try to control where your fantasies go. In fact, we’ve got it on the record that women love to off-road in their heads. “In my experience, women fantasize way more than men do,” says Ian Kerner, PhD and editor-in-chief of Good in Bed. “Men tend to only fantasize if they’re bored and want to keep themselves aroused. Women are often very engaged by the sex they’re having and fantasize anyway — it’s a great way to mentally deactivate.”

Doing so doesn’t mean “something is wrong” with your relationship. In general, says Ian, “Fantasies are just that — fantasy, not reality. They’re also inherently taboo. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t have nearly the same agency over us.” Translation: Get as raunchy as you want to within the four walls of your mind. And, really, who’s gonna know?

8. Toys Will Scare Him
Fact: Men like gadgets. Fact: Only 30 percent of women orgasm from intercourse alone. New fact: Designers just created the WeVibe, the first-ever sex toy that can be used during intercourse, to stimulate both you and him. Truth: All you have to lose is battery power.

7. Men Really Don’t Like “Going There”
Did we mention that Ian Kerner also wrote a book called “She Comes First”? That’s right, an entire book devoted to teaching men how to pleasure you. Here’s what he found out, in the process, about how guys feel about going down: “In my experience, 90 percent of discomfort around oral sex comes from women who are afraid they don’t taste or smell good, or are afraid they’re taking too long. Women need to know that guys love doing this, and it allows them to relax and enjoy in a way they often can’t during sex.” In other words, ladies, get out of your own way — and his.

6. You Have to Be “In the Mood” to Do It
For anyone who’s ever had a hard time getting in the groove — for any reason — this is going to come as welcome news. The latest research on female sexuality focuses on “mindfulness.” In other words, experts have found that, while women might be natural-born Harlequin writers once we get going, it’s harder for us to get there in the first place. “A lot of women have a hard time turning off the day, whether it’s what their boss did or whatever is due tomorrow. Transitioning from non-sexual
to sexual is hard,” says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a sex therapist based in California.

What to try tonight: 1) What Weston calls “transitions.” It might mean a long hot bath or a short massage. “They’re little acts that allow women to fully be there during sex as opposed to being persuaded into it,” she says. And 2) the mindfulness part: When you’re actually in bed, and your brain is still in overdrive, try breathing in and out, focusing on your breath, then honing in on the silkiness of the sheets, the smoothness of his skin, or the taste of the dark-chocolate-dipped strawberries he’s lovingly feeding you. (What?!) This careful attention to sensual detail can be what it takes to get you in the mood — even if you thought that’s the last place you wanted to be.

5. You Should Never Talk Sex With Your Friends
We’re not going to trot out any experts here to tell us what we already know: Is sex sacred? Sure, it can be. Should it remain mostly private? Probably, if it’s the guy you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life. Otherwise, it’s totally fair brunch fodder. We also know we have friends who’ve seen us through relationships good and ridiculous, I-saw-God quickies and long, depressing dry spells. And we like to call on their wisdom. In fact, if it weren’t for a certain big-mouthed friend who dated a kinda-chubby guy, we might not know the wonders a bit of a tummy can have on a girl’s ability to orgasm. But more than that we can’t say — it’s between friends.

Intimately related: Why Men With Big Bellies Make Better Lovers

4. You Should Never Do It on the First Date
No …? Why not? Anyone who’s ever gone on a first date wishes she had a first date with that much chemistry. And if you are blessed enough to sit across from a stranger so delectable that you can’t wait to get him home, hell, we salute you. By all means, act on your right to extract as much pleasure from the evening as possible. And without sounding like your mother, we’d just like to say this: Anyone who tells you otherwise is just jealous. There will likely come a time when these where-am-I-who-is-he? mornings are things of the past, and the only thing you’ll regret then is passing up the chance.

3. It’s OK to Fake It
It is certainly OK not to have an orgasm every time you have sex. It is never OK to fake it. First, who are you faking it for? Certainly not yourself. Second, how is he going to learn? And don’t give us that “I just wanted to get it over with” nonsense. If that’s the case, for God’s sake, let it be over with, but there’s zero reason to pretend you’re climbing the curtains for joy as you do. No, not even to impress your neighbors.

2. Porn Is the Enemy
If you really measure yourself against girls who have more plastic parts than a Transformer, porn can be the devil. If you treat it like the titillating entertainment projected on your TV screen that it is, it’s a great way to let others act out fantasies you would never dare, and get turned on by their efforts.

1. It Has to Be Perfect
We know the routine: But I didn’t wax / shave / floss / spray tan / dry-clean / handwash my lucky La Perla / light the 102 Kama Sutra–scented tea candles. Word to the wise: Sex is supposed to be fun. Even if you’re in your dumpy sweats, not your cute going-out top. Even if you just ate an everything bagel and have garlic breath and poppy seeds in your teeth. Even if it’s awkward, or he says something stupid, or your romantic movie date was ruined because you misguidedly decided to see “The Bounty Hunter.” First, take a look around at all the lonely single people and thank your lucky stars you have someone to have sex with. Then remember — none of this will matter once you get your clothes off.

Carrie Sloan is the editor of Lemondrop.


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