As a marriage, relationship and sexual coach, I have heard too many stories that break my heart. You may have already read my post about women being ambivalent over their sexuality. What I find is that the majority of these women who have ambivalence over sex were sexually abused as children or young teens. Often by a member of their own family including even her father or step father.
I will confine my remarks to one young woman that I dealt with last year. She was sexually abused by her father from the time that she was five until she finally put a stop to it when she was 17. She was abused EVERY NIGHT.
What tore her up was her terrible guilt because she let him do it without fighting it because it felt so good. He did not hurt her and always made sure that she had a climax.
As a result, she had problems with her sexuality and could not develop a close male relationship. She was 27 and sublimating her sexuality with a killer work schedule of 90 hours a week. She was completely screwed up because while she did put a stop to it when she was 17 she suffered with the staggering guilt of enjoying it. While her body succumbed to the pleasure, her mind recoiled later and wondered what kind of monster she was for enjoying something so terribly wrong.
I had diagnosed the problem and she was surprised that I diagnosed it because she was always very careful not to tell anyone including her own mother. I diagnosed it because of her rage reaction to me over something seemingly minor in a business deal that I was negotiating with a publisher. She was the publisher’s agent. We became friends after I confronted her with it and the story came spilling out finally.
Like so many women who have a relationship with a counselor she experienced transference and wanted me to have sex with her. I explained that I could not help her with dealing with inappropriate sex by having inappropriate sex with her.
Sadly before I really got to work with her and reassure her that it was not her fault and that she was a child and unable to form consent or understanding over what was happening to her. By her own words she thought that she was special and daddy was giving her special daddy love. I told her that her mother knew all about it. She denied it until I confronted her with the facts. He was in her bedroom every night with the door shut. He obviously was not having sex with his wife because he was expending all his sexual energy with his daughter. I told her that not only did the mom know it but was secretly relieved that she did not have to put out for her husband. It is likely that she was sexually abused as well as a girl.
The young woman in question was called home because her father had a heart attack and was not expected to live. Sure enough he died and I suggested to the young woman that she confront her mother about it. Unfortunately she confronted her mother in front of the whole family. Two days later the mom hung herself in the garage and died. The young lady stopped communicating with me. I am sure that it was because of the guilt that she felt because she felt like she caused her mother’s death.
You see that is the other thing that women hate themselves for. Too often it is a family member who has abused her and if she tells it would have negative consequences and the family member would go to jail and some family member s would turn on her and shame her for reporting it. This makes the woman feel like she is worthless and the needs of everyone else in the family are more important than her feelings.
This results in rage that is turned inwards and often leads to depression. Unfortunately it also leads to big problems with women’s sexuality. Every time that she has sex, it quite often results in a mini post traumatic stress syndrome reaction. Often women have to be drunk or stoned in order to have sex even with their husbands or they just routinely refuse the husband sex for as long as she can get away with.
This would also account for the rage reactions that I have gotten on other blogs when I suggested that women wear frilly lacy lingerie for their husbands. This would mean that she would openly embrace her sexuality which she is trying so hard not to embrace because of the negative memories. A lot of women wear white nylon panties with no lace. These panties are virginal because she wants to retreat to that time before her innocense was taken from her. Wearing frilly lacy lingerie would openly proclaim her sexuality. In a surprising poll in Ann Landers years ago, she asked if you could just settle for hugs would you do without sex. Surprisingly 40% of the women agreed with this statement. This leaves her husband feeling unloved, unappreciated and worthless. Sadly sexual abuse knows no color or economic class.
My first wife was sexually abused by her uncle. She went and told her mom and her mom’s answer was to turn and slap her hard in the face and tell her to never lie about her uncle again. She had no choice but to put up with the abuse because there was no place else to turn. As a result, she had a terrible time with sex. She would not do anything in bed but lay there. While she let me have sex anytime that I wanted, the idea of giving me a blow job for example was out of the question as well as any other thing that normal couples do. I felt like I was having sex with a sex doll for all the reaction that she gave in the bedroom. The marriage only lasted for four years. Sadly a footnote to that story was that her 3 sisters were all abused too, and all starting at age 12. The uncle then impregnated the mother while she was still married to her father but the mother was not giving the father sex, but giving it to the uncle. The marriage of course ended in divorce and all the sisters had problems with sex as a result. Without a strong male figure in the house, the boy who was born as a result of that union being surrounded by sisters turned out to be gay.
The overwhelming majority of prostitutes and porn stars were sexually abused as girls as well. They became dead inside and therefore could turn their feelings off during sex and go somewhere else.
I too was sexually abused by a Catholic priest. So I know many of the feelings that you struggle with.
I believe that it is for this reason that rape was a death penalty offense in the Old Testament. It used to be in this country as well. Sadly sex offenders can’t be fixed and there is no effective therapy for them. I believe in life imprisonment for sexual offenders because they get out and do it again to another little girl or boy.
The bottom line is that your secret will be safe with me should you want to talk to me and finally unload it. There is help for this. If you don’t feel comfortable with me, then get help somewhere because you deserve a good sex life too. You can get help if you choose to and I am highly recommending that you get it. I remain open to help. Just drop me a line at my professional email address at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
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