No One Can Make You Angry, Another Great Guest Post

May 31, 2010

I read other people’s blogs and when I see a good one I post it on my site to give them extra coverage. This one is a great one. People don’t make you angry, you use anger to beat someone with. You choose to get angry. You can just as easily choose not to be angry or be assertive and calm in exspressin your anger.

no one can MAKE you angry
20 minutes ago ago by nobusysignal. Spam? Tags: personal development, Relationships, Self-Improvement, hurts, Offenses, Pain, anger, anger management, negative baggage, Emotion, Anger, haboring bitterness, Stress, Self Awareness

This is another blog my wife and I tagged teamed together on.

Have you ever said to someone “You make me angry”? Did you know that’s really not true? In fact, you are solely responsible for choosing how you respond to any given action, person or event. No one can make you think a thought. You generate your own thoughts. No one can think your thoughts for you. Emotion is the natural out growth of thought. Your perception (thought) of a person place or thing is the seed that, once germinated, produces your emotion. You can view something as offensive, repulsive, obnoxious and even hurtful. If you get angry about it, you must take ownership of the anger. You made yourself angry. you chose to be angry. (Morris)

Some people can FORCE you to become angry. They know how to push your buttons and will do it with delight. Their words are deliberately designed to elicit explosive anger. Yes, you might have a choice in the matter sometimes, but there are moments… (Helen)

This past week I became angry at you Helen because I wanted to take a piece of chicken out of a 12-piece to-go order that was meant for someone we both dearly love. It was just one piece that I felt would not be missed. You objected, and I didn’t get a piece of chicken — so silly and trivial looking back at it. I use this real life illustration to ask the pertinent question. Who made me angry? Did you make me angry or did I make myself angry as a result of my own thinking (perception) of the event? (Morris)

You made yourself angry. I won’t go into the extenuating circumstances surrounding that incident. However, on its face, the facts are this: you took offense because you couldn’t have a chicken drumstick out of a box of chicken meant for someone else. You weren’t deprived of any food (there was plenty home-cooked chicken available on the same counter). You weren’t mistreated, nor harmed. There was no intention to disrespect you in any way. There was no motive to harm. In your own mind, you created an emotional response based on your own personal thought. The anger was of your own creation. (Helen)

Dear wife you made my point. I made me angry over a piece of chicken-I don’t mind the transparency at this point it’s therapeutic. It’s amazing how I can spend so much time studying, researching and writing on this subject of anger and still get caught up in it. Today, I can see it for what it is and effectively address it in a constructive way. (Morris)

Sweetie, actually I agree with you. No matter the situation — anticipated or unexpected — there is always a small window of opportunity where you can to decide how you will respond to the event at hand. Unless you’re able to recognize a potentially anger-provoking situation at its earliest development, it’s easy to find yourself caught up in it, still. Anger is not logical. It’s an EMOTION. Emotions don’t deal with facts, nor truth. By the way, you did deal with it constructively and I love you for it! (Helen)

I recommend the book “The Secret Side Of Anger” by Janet Pfeiffer a certified violence counselor and motivational speaker (http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com).

Until next time…Have A Great Day!


Resolving Conflict Peacefully, You Can Do It and Stop Fighting

May 29, 2010

Resolving Conflict

Nothing kills your sex life and hurts your relationship like fighting. It is imperative for the health and continuation of your relationship to learn to resolve conflict peacefully. I always tell my relationship and sexual coaching clients to go home and rent two movies and study them: THE BREAKUP and WAR OF THE ROSES. It is another example of art illustrating and imitating life. Now there is no such thing as a couple who are going to agree on everything. The key to a good relationship is being able to resolve those differences without hurting each other and inflicting damage on the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is one of the keys to having a great sex life.

There is another movie that I recommend to my clients entitled: Prince of Tides. Perhaps you remember a scene in the opening where the kids ran out of the house and jumped into the water to escape their parents arguing. They lived in an idyllic setting on the bay. They lived on the waterfront and escaped their parents yelling and screaming by jumping into the water and holding their breath under the water to not hear the screaming. These children had an escape but most children don’t. It is very abusive to fight in front of your children. They are helpless to do anything about it. It terrifies them. It is equivalent to torture for them. Never ever argue in front of the children. If the argument has to happen wait until the children are not around.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage is obvious and requires no interpretation. It is a simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason for this should be obvious. You know when you and your spouse are fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses and damages the relationship.

There is a syndrome called Fight or Flight Syndrome. This is a coping system in men and animals. What happens when you feel stressed and threatened, the body releases massive amount of adrenaline in your body. The purpose of this adrenaline is a simple survival mechanism. The idea is that you can use the adrenaline to run away from your opponent or predator faster than they can chase you and catch you. The other option is that you have so much adrenaline in you that you are able to successfully fight off an enemy or predator. The body is designed to releasing and dissipating this adrenaline by either fighting or fleeing. When you do neither it creates a tremendous amount of stress in you that is not good for the body. In fact this kind of unrelieved stress is one of the main causes of heart disease and heart attack. This is why the Bible is so clear and unequivocal about resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back that notion up:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother (friend, wife, husband, other relative) has anything against you; Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words it is so important to resolve the problem immediately because of how an argument can fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that you leave church in the middle of the service to go and reconcile the problem.

Couples often use anger to control and manipulate each other; usually one is stronger than the other and bullies their partner with their anger. This is unhealthy for the relationship and is inexcusable according to the following biblical passages:

Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8
He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding; but he that
Is hasty of spirit exalts folly. (foolishness) Proverbs 14:29
A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18
He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty and he that rules his spirit than he that conquers a city. Proverbs 16:32
A fools lips enter into contention (fighting) Proverbs 18:6
It is an honor for a man to cease from strife (fighting) Proverbs
20:3
As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire: so is a
contentious man to kindle strife (fighting) Proverbs 26:21
He that is of a proud heart stirs up strife: Proverbs 28:25
Be not hasty in your spirit to be angry; for anger rest in the bosom of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9
For God has not appointed us to wrath but to obtain Salvation
By our Lord, Jesus Christ. I Thessalonians 5:9
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. James I:19

So here are some scriptural warnings to you women in how you might sin in your anger. You certainly don’t want your man to be able to agree with the following scriptures in how you are similar to the women described:

The contentions of a wife are like a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words like a continual dripping faucet.
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop (attic) than with a brawling woman in a wide house (mansion) Proverbs 21:9
It is better to live in the wilderness, (camping out) than with a contentious and angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:18
For three things the earth is disquieted, and for four which it cannot bear:…An odious (hateful) woman when she is married. Proverbs 30:21,23

We can all agree that men should not physically beat on women. Many times as indicated in the above biblical passages, women don’t have a problem beating verbally on men. The problem is, not only does it hurt your relationship but is very problematic for the husband for a number of reasons. By verbally beating on the husband, you cause the fight or flight syndrome to kick in. When the argument goes on, it makes it worse for the man and he gets more and more stressed to where he can explode and hit the wife. Your children are also stressed in this way. They feel the stress of that same Fight or Flight Syndrome and they are powerless to do anything about it. Continued stress of this type can cause heart disease and heart attack.

So the Bible is pretty explicit that hasty anger is not good for relationships and that anger needs to be controlled. Anger is not to be used to beat someone with or to get our own way by manipulating and intimidating them. However the Bible does not say that you can’t get angry. You can get angry, but you have to control the anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So you see that anger is a human emotion, but you must control it, not use it as a weapon but express it so as to resolve the problem. Often when a person gets angry, they start yelling and raising their voice. This is simply a ploy to try and scare someone or attempt to manipulate someone. This is not an appropriate use or expression of anger. It also causes the Fight or Flight Syndrome that was previously spoken about. Invariably when one person yells, then the other person responds in kind which simply escalates the argument and gets it to the point where people are out of control. Here is what the Bible says about that:

A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1
A wholesome tongue is a tree of life. Proverbs 15:4
Follow peace with all men. Hebrews 12:14

So how do you keep peace with your spouse when there is anger over an issue? The key is to keep emotion out of it. The first rule when your partner is angry about something is to SHUT-UP AND LISTEN. You let them get everything out that is bothering them. Now the temptation here is to interrupt them and correct them over an issue that you feel like they are unjustly accusing you of. False accusations are not that abnormal as people tend to over-reach when they are angry. You wait until they are completely done before you try and correct them. The key is that you want the spouse to get out all of their frustrations. If you interrupt them, it just makes them madder. You keep quiet until they are done. Once you feel like they are done, you ask them if they are done. Sometimes, they are just taking a breath and re-grouping their thoughts. If they have more to say, listen. If it is a lot, take notes on what they are complaining about so you don’t forget or try to interrupt them to tell them you can’t remember everything that they said. Once they assure you that they are done, then you ask them if it would be okay for you to repeat back the main points of their argument so that you are sure that you understand and don’t want to forget anything. Usually they will be tickled to do that. Once you have re-stated the case, ask them if this is everything that they talked about. Once they have agreed that you have all of their points. You then go to the next step. The next step is to ask them: “in what way can I fix this and make it right? There is nothing to argue about with this point. They will usually have an idea on what you can do to make it right and they will tell you. You can then go back and correct what you feel like the unfairly accused you of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, you simply quietly state that you disagree with the point that you feel like they unjustly accused of. Now if what they are asking for is unreasonable, you counter offer and suggest that you feel like that what they are asking for is too much but you are willing to counter offer a solution. You then can begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If you can take the anger and attacks out of the argument and make it about problem solving, it is much easier to resolve.
These notions are reinforced by the following scriptural mandates:

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Math 5:5
But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which in the sight of God of great price. I Peter 3:4
To speak evil of no man, to be not brawlers, but gentle, showing meekness to all men. Titus 3:2
And the servant of the Lord must not strive, but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, in meekness instructing those that oppose themselves. II Timothy 2:24
But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace. James 3:17-18

All of these scriptures are designed to counteract and overcome the natural man and our sinful tendencies. I present the following techniques to help you follow these scriptural principles in real life.

Negotiating A Settlement

There is a good way to negotiate. You can say: “alright on a scale of 1-10 how do you rate this?” If your partner says for them it is an 8 and for you it is only a 4, you agree to give them their way. Again this is just about problem solving rather than attacking each other. You can always propose an alternative solution.

Agree To Disagree

There are times that you are just diametrically opposed to their proposed solution and the two of you can’t reach an agreement. You could start beating on each other emotionally or you could “agree to disagree”. There is nothing wrong with that. In this way, no one is wrong, you are both convinced that you are both right but neither party will concede. Just agree to disagree.

Flipping a Coin To Resolve the Argument

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution and agreeing to disagree is not working, the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs 18:18.

When getting to a solution is imperative and neither side will budge then the only peaceful solution is to settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree and stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Mathew 5:9 Due to the sinful nature of man, we have a natural predilection to fight among ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society at large and families in general. Will you endeavor to be a peacemaker in your own home? And a further biblical note:

If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18 You can’t make anyone do right, but you can control how you react and what you put into the relationship. Are you doing everything that you can in your relationship to live peaceably with your spouse? Be not deceived, God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man sows, that he will also reap. Galatians 6:9. So women, you don’t give your husband sex, is it any wonder he is not giving you romance?
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying that it may minister grace unto the hearers…Let all bitterness, and wrath an danger, and clamor and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be you kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another; even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:29,32-32 This is a wonderful model for living in a marriage relationship. How can you find fault with this biblical model? Can you honestly say that if you lived by this model that your marriage would not be much better? Continuing in the same vein: But now you also put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth…Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any; even as Christ forgave you, so also do you…Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:8,13,18.

Now sometimes there is a marked difference in maturity with one partner over another. This can be problematic in a marriage relationship. Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in the spirit of meekness; considering yourself, lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1-2

Leave the House For a Cooling Off Period

If you are faced with a partner that yells and gets verbally abusive and won’t be calmed down and this is habitual, you have to make a change. You can’t force the person to behave appropriately. What you can do is to remove yourself form the situation. You simply go get your keys and get in the car and leave for several hours. Don’t answer your cell phone or texts from the person demanding that you come back. After several hours, you come back home and tell the person that you will talk if they are willing to talk to you without verbally abusing you and yelling at you. If they start in again, you simply leave again and stay overnight somewhere if necessary. It is not likely that you will have to do this more than 3 times and the person will realize that you are no longer going to put up with the abuse. If you don’t take a stand and make it stick, the abusive person will continue the abuse.

SAVING FACE

This is an oriental practice where respect is expected and honored. It is highly frowned upon to do or say anything that would cause embarrassment or humiliation for another person. We don’t have this level of gentility in our western culture. We should learn this technique and practice it. You should follow the physician’s vow: “First do no harm”.

Rules For Fair Fighting
1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t call your spouse names, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t with hold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse.
7. Do not interrupt; it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

When there has been hurt feelings, the best thing that I recommend to my clients is to claim that old playground cry: “A do over” Admit that you have both made mistakes and have both hurt each other and mutually agree to a do over with a fresh page or fresh start. Vow to attack the problem and not the person. Collaboratively work on solving the problem while maintaining respect for your partner.
When you can’t resolve the problems between the two of you then seek out the services of a mediator, or a marriage coach.
Avoid marriage counselors like the plague. They have a horrendous 75% failure rate. That is a whole other subject.


Relationship Maintenance, Are You Doing Your Part?

May 27, 2010

One of the biggest reasons for relationships breaking up is the feeling that you are being taken for granted and your needs are no longer important to your partner. Relationships take work and maintenance.

If you drive your car for long periods of time, without changing the oil, the engine will die from lack of maintenance. The oil that was supposed to be a lubricant ultimately becomes poisonous for it when it is not changed. I talked to a mechanic friend of mine who had to put in a new engine in a new truck with only 12,000 miles on it. The company provided the truck and the gas and allowed employees to take the truck home and use it for personal use. The only requirement was that the employees had to change the oil in the trucks out of their own pocket. One individual who felt special and did not feel like paying for the oil change and let it go for 12,000 miles. The engine blew up and the only way that he was allowed to keep his job was to pay for the $5,000 new engine out of his own pocket. Changing the oil would have been so much cheaper.

Women are you not taking care of your man’s sexual needs? That includes wearing pretty frilly sexy lingerie for his eyes. That includes giving him special treats in bed that he likes that might not be your favorite things but they are his.

Men are you giving your woman enough romance, foreplay and cuddling. When is the last time you took her dancing and danced close with her? When is the last time you took her to something that she wanted to go to that perhaps you didn’t like the symphony or to a play? When did you turn over the remote to her for a day?

Bottom line, relationships need to be maintained, greased, the oil changed, washing and waxing, vacuuming out the old stale dust and crumbs. You need to make your partner feel special and good about themselves. Have you been the critic in chief in your relationship. Have you made hateful comments? Sometimes you need a do over like from playground days, and apologize to your mate and vow to do it better for them and make them feel special. The Bibles says it best: “What you sew, so shall you reap”.

Blessings on you and yours. If you are having trouble with your relationship give me a call. I offer a half hour free consultation and a money back guarantee. I do phone coaching as well as on Yahoo IM on camera. Just drop me a note and I will call you back and chat.


13 Things Men Forget About Women, Guest Post

May 26, 2010

Occasionally, I run across a particularly good post and repost it for your reading enjoyment. Kudos to Mr Kelly Boyd for this great post

True or False
May 24, 2010
Kelly Boyd People, Relationships 2 Comments
Women confuse men as men confuse women. That’s a given. But it’s not because we don’t learn from our past relationships; we just forget everything we learned in the time between one and the next. And we only remember how different the two genders are when a woman’s inherent eccentricities rear their wild head, once again.
I’ve been speaking to a number of people over the last few weeks in an effort to compile this bit of information. I’ve asked Black, White, Hispanic, old, young, married and single men question after question and have decided that there are:
13 Facts About Women Men Forget

So no matter how cool the chick, chances are she is…
Full of Shit: This is just a periodic trait, and exists in varying degrees. Most of the time, it comes out in what is called the “game,” but outside of a relationship it’s called lying. Basically, she tells you one thing, but means something more than her words. (Words only seem to matter when she remembers to use yours against you.) Other times, it happens when she thinks lying serves a purpose greater than the truth of the moment. So, she might have gone to lunch with her ex and said she didn’t, but he was a dick like usual, so it wasn’t a big enough deal to tell you about it (i.e., she cares about you enough to not want to hurt your feelings, but not enough to stop looking elsewhere). Now, try going out with your ex…

More Complicated Than You: When a man says all he needs is some time for TV, some time for drinking beer (aside from time spent watching TV) and some sex, he isn’t kidding. Most guys are often easily pleased, regularly content (if not happy) and down for pretty much anything. That’s what we mean by “easy-going.” When you’re not dating a woman or have just started dating her, and she likes you, she can have no trouble matching that description. However, once she’s comfortably in a relationship, she unveils a net of internal and inter-personal intricacies capable of confusing the crap out of any man. It’s a lot of in’s, outs, what-have-you’s, and it’s fucking difficult to remember.

Requires Compliments: Ok ladies, we get it, you have terrible self-esteem. And that sucks. We’re sure it’s our fault, somehow. How? But unless you want to start telling us what a gigantic dick we have every time we see you, give us a break if we don’t notice what you’re wearing from time to time. Maybe what you’re wearing sucks. Did you think of that? Uh, sorry honey, what we meant to say was that weird bag dress you threw on looks awesome.

Believes She Knows More About You Than You Do: Again, this only happens after her relationship is in a comfortable spot. At that point, if there’s something she doesn’t like about you, she will probably try to change it. Note: If you’re cheating on her, it’s ok for her to want that to stop. But if you’re just wearing the wrong shirt, or have the wrong haircut, that’s not her shit to change. You know how you want your hair, dammit. Tell her so, she’ll appreciate you standing up for yourself.

P.S. Women
Don’t believe anything Ebony, Vogue, Cosmo or any other “female-targeted publication” tells you about what guys like. Just keep it as close to BJ’s and good food as possible and you’re in the green.

Evil Toward Other Girls: Unless you beat women (in which case, you should be getting your ass kicked right now, or in jail, preferably both) it’s difficult to comprehend the razor-sharp viciousness women lash each other with during a feud. Angry women are cold, calculating and if they decide to fight back, they inflict the most damage possible. And this is the part guys forget: Mess up, and they’ll do the same to you! So if you catch your girl hitting below the belt with emails and rumors against someone you thought was her friend, watch your back, that’s all I’m saying.
Self Conscious about Something: This is essentially the cause of “Requires Compliments,” from above. But what women don’t realize is that, when a guy is with a girl, he thinks she’s hot. That’s a given in a guy’s mind, and doesn’t change much. So we completely forget that women, in general, are nervous wrecks of internal anguish. Usually, their fluctuating insecurity is about their bodies, which they say is a product of our cruel desire for them. (As if women are so kind to each other on this front…) Really, it’s about all types of stuff. So guys, if you take this fact of female existence to heart, it helps explain many of their womanly mysteries.

Crazy: I know this is cliché, but let’s get something straight: When chemical imbalances (i.e., changes in hormone levels) control your thoughts, words and actions that’s called crazy. A “visit from aunt flow,” as they say, is enough to throw many women over the edge at least for a couple of days. And while we will forever hold hope that there’s a reliably sane one amongst them, we are yet to even hear of her existence. In fact, most women admit their (temporary) insanity; you’d know if you listen to them. Don’t, and that’s some shit they’ll use against you, if you make the mistake of not knowing what the hell is going on.

Not Funny: Believe me, we’ve met (and dated) plenty of funny women. They’re not always fat and not always lesbian. Some of them are hot, and those chicks are the best. But for the most part, women just like to laugh at our jokes (they all say they want a funny man), and suck at coming up with their own.

A Star-Fucker: Given the opportunity, most women would seriously consider screwing a cool, famous person, just for the fuck of it; even your girlfriend. It’s just in their nature. (Non-virgin) guys don’t get obsessed with famous people the way women do. (Just go to a Justin Timberlake or Brian McKnight concert, or at least stand outside and watch to see. Nowadays, maybe even a Drake concert.) I’m not saying she’ll cheat on you, but she would definitely weigh her options, given the chance. Basically, if she’s going to an after party, agree to meet her there or consider yourself a dumbass, she will, lol.
A Better Liar: When a man lies, he knows he’s doing something wrong. He’ll dart his eyes, mumble, change the subject and try to just get the hell out of the situation as fast as possible. When a woman lies, she can look the person she loves square in the eye and feed him the biggest load of bullshit ever, and make it seem like she’s being perfectly reasonable, more reasonable than usual! (That’s your first clue.) But pity the man who catches his woman in a lie; call her out on it, and she will drop her entire arsenal of your fuck-ups upon your quickly withering form. Forget that tactic; it’s better to just go get drunk and hit on other chicks out of spite.

Enjoys Cat Calls: Let me begin by saying most cats don’t call out to girls on the street; we check out your ass and overflowing push-up bra from a respectable distance. But women don’t just (secretly, deep down) enjoy getting cat calls thrown their way, they expect it. Sure, some dude might go over the line now and then, and that never feels nice. But if nobody stares and nobody says a single lewd comment, she feels less sexy, like there’s something wrong with her that day, or at least with what she’s wearing. Guys don’t take this as an invitation to hit on every stranger you see walking down the street. But ladies, stop telling us you don’t like it.
Constantly Looks For Inner-Meaning: For men, saying exactly what you mean stands as a matter of pride. But no matter how straight your talk, women like to feel like they have more control over the situation by attempting to decode what you’re not saying, so they can guess how you’re feeling and what to do next. Here’s the thing, ladies: Men only talk to accomplish a goal of some type, like working out a business plan. You talk just to talk. It makes you feel better just to get everything out there. If talking isn’t for any reason other than to talk, we would rather do anything else.

Uses Sex to Manipulate Men: If she’s looking extra hot and/or acting particularly friendly, beware: she is probably going to ask you to do something you don’t want to do. (This is a perfectly acceptable trade-off in a woman’s mind.) She knows you like sex, and she’s got the tools to use that desire against you or at least to get what she wants. But sex is what we want, so don’t get us wrong on this one: We want you to use sex to manipulate us. It’s the best form of manipulation possible. But don’t think we don’t know what you’re up to.


Sex Is Good For You, Why Are You Not Having More?

May 24, 2010

Sex is Good For You
________________________________________
Sex is one of those things that can make your life soar, or cause you untold grief and heartache. You have a choice in the matter so why not work to make it fantastic? Sex is one of the big three that couples fight about. Why not stop fighting and just start having sex? Couples fight because someone is not getting their needs taken care of.

When you have an orgasm, your body releases endorphins to the brain. Those endorphins have the ability to lessen pain. Endorphins create an elevated mood. Endorphins help prevent clinical depression. It can also help prevent post-partum depression. Frequent orgasms promotes positive bonding between men and women. Think back early in your relationship when you were having sex frequently. Remember how tightly bonded the two of you were?

Frequent sex helps control weight and is equivalent to a workout in a gym, burning an average of over 200 calories. You say you don’t have time to go to the gym, well you can always make time to have sex with your partner at home and it saves gas going to and from the gym. Frequent sex like frequent exercise actually helps to lessen your appetite for food. So often people substitute food for sex. You are better off substituting sex for food.

Frequent sex helps the body’s immune system to fight off disease. Frequent sex creates strong bonds between a man and a woman and helps to prevent divorce and makes cheating much less likely. Sex helps prevent prostate cancer. Frequent sex has been documented to help prevent heart disease and heart attacks. Sex after a heart attack is not only recommended by cardiologists but helps to strengthen the heart. Frequent sex is commanded and commended in the Bible. Frequent sex helps women avoid osteoporosis. People go to the gym to do workouts. One of the suggested exercises is deep knee squats. If women will have their man lay on the floor, she can do deep knee squats over him as she is having sex with him. This tightens the butt, calves, thighs and tummy

Imagine doing a workout and having sex at the same time. You get a two for one benefit. Having sex with a man and having your legs lifted in the air or draped over his shoulders keeps you flexible

Doing pelvic thrusts is good for the tummy and lower back muscles. Having a man fondle and play with a woman’s boobs could help discover any knots or growths in her breasts and could save your life.

Doing Kegel exercises during sex can prevent incontinence later in life.

Doing Kegel exercises during sex can serve to make you more highly orgasmic and definitely improves the quality of sex for both the man and the woman. Frequent satisfying sex improves work productivity.

Frequent climaxes have served women to help shrink their uterus and abdomen more quickly after childbirth.

Frequent sex helps to promote restful and recuperative sleep.

Sex can comfort a person when they are sad and depressed. Sex is a wonderful way to celebrate a positive life event. It truly is a wonderful cure-all if couples will just stop refusing sex and let go and take care of their mate. There is also nothing more lonely, hurtful and depressing to have to masturbate because your partner refuses you. When you have a choice to do good or be self-centered, choose to do good. You will feel better about yourself. Finally in the chapter on Sex and The Bible, frequent and great sex is commanded and commended by God.

John Wilder is a marriage, relationship and sexual coach. He helps people either on the phone or on Yahoo IM. This enables you to maintain anonymity. He offers help also by posting informational articles that can help you in your relationships.

He has a degree in Behavioral Science and Bible. He has additionally attended graduate school for Clinical Psychology and attended Nursing School as well. He deals holistically with all 3 aspects of our being: mind, body and spirit. Mr Wilder offers a half hour free consultation as well as an unheard of in the industry, money back guarantee.

He can also be followed on his blog https://marriagecoach1.wordpress.com
you can also contact Mr Wilder on his private email address marriagecoach1@yahoo.com


How To Tiger Proof Your Marriage, Advice For Women

May 22, 2010

     It is true that there are jerk men who feel the need to assuage their egos by carving notches in the bedposts.  If you are married to this kind of guy, my heartfelt concerns are for you.  These guys never get filled up because they lack self respect.

     For the rest of you, the answer is easy;  satisfy his needs.

Almost all of you have had the fantasy about living happily ever after.  Too often that fantasy tends to be self centered where you see the “Prince Charming” sweeping you off of your feet and paying rapturous attention to you and pampering you and taking care of you.  In talking with my female clients, they never took into consideration what their responsibility was in taking care of the prince to maintain the happily ever after.

     Men are really, really simple.  They have 3 basic needs, Respect, sex and food.  According to Dr. Harley of His Needs , Her Needs, he would also say recreational companionship.

     Man’s number one need is respect and admiration.  Now we are living in a time of rampant MISANDRY.  I suggest that you look it up on Wikipedia, it does a good job of explaining it.  Basically it is reverse sexism towards men by women in our society.  You can see it in the commercials.  The man is portrayed as this helpless boob who has once again gotten himself and/or his family into trouble yet again.  Then the “heroic woman” swoops in to save the day, all the while tossing off sarcastic and condescending remarks to her husband.  You man needs your respect and admiration. He needs you to be his biggest cheerleader and he wants affirmation for how hard he tries to take care of you and the family.  If you don’t give him respect, he will look for it elsewhere.  You need to be his best friend and talk to him with respect at all times.

     He also needs sex with you freely and lovingly given.  Men get the bulk of their affectional needs through sex with their wife.  Studies indicate that 60% of  married women with children, inflict a starvation diet of sex once a week or less on their husbands.  Now we can all agree that no woman should be forced to have sex against her will.  What amazes me is the number of women who have no problem forcing her husband to do WITHOUT SEX AGAINST HIS WILL.  Trust me, this breeds real resentment towards the wife.  Every time he is forced to masturbate alone, it chips away at his affection for you and builds resentment.  He feels as though you took vows and violated them.  You vowed that he could have you and hold you. (euphemism for sex).  In fact the dictionary backs this up.  Look up the word unfaithful and it talks not only about cheating but being unfaithful to your vows to satisfy your mate. You need to give him sex freely and lovingly and also endeavor to give him the things that he asks for in bed.  I can help you to get over your turnoffs to certain activities through a series of exercises.  If you don’t give it, he will look elsewhere.

    Now I have sympathy with young new mothers who feel exhausted.  It is easy to put your husband’s sexual needs at the bottom of your priority list.  AVOID THIS RELIGIOUSLY.  You need to always put your husband’s needs at the top of your priority list.  Make the relationship important and everything else falls in behind.  He will accept a quicky  when you are tired and be very grateful.

     Now I understand that a lot of your husbands are lousy in the sack.  This is because there is no school for sex that they can go to.  It is easy to reject his overtures when you are tired and he does not take care of your needs.  There is a solution for that.  I am a marriage, relationship and sexual coach. I can give you help.  I am also coming out with a book entitled: Sex Education For Adults, Secrets to Amazing Sex and Happily Ever After Too.  Believe me, he will become a hero in the bedroom when I am done with him.  All you have to do is to drop me a line at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com and I will even give you a half hour complimentary session.


Sexual Advice For Single Men

May 19, 2010

          Advice on Relationships for Single Men

     Many of you have the attitude that I had in my twenties.  I had this juvenile attitude that the more women I got to have sex with me made me a better man or defined me as a stud.  I even decided to start a panty collection of all of the women that I had sex with so that I had visual proof of my conquests.  Society reinforces that attitude with a knowing nod to the notion that “boys will be boys”.  That somehow boys need to “sow wild oats”.  Hugh Hefner became an iconic figure in our society with that same philosophy.  Considering the very definition of a “playboy” (insert definition here) conjures up the notion that he is immature, self centered and irresponsible.

     In science, there is a rule that states:  “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”   What I failed to realize at first was that my attitude made me very self-centered and narcissistic.  I had no care or concern about the women with whom I had sex.  I did not care about their feelings about being used and tossed aside like a dirty piece of laundry.  At least with my dirty laundry, I picked it up, washed it and continued to wear the clothes.  With the women, they were tossed aside while I was looking for the next conquest.

     What happens is that for every woman that you use, you and she become more jaded and callous.  No one trusts anyone anymore.  Because of this, it becomes harder and harder to commit to a person.  People are constantly afraid of being discarded.  For a relationship to truly work, you need people to be committed 100% not a 50-50 relationship.  A 50-50 relationship indicates that both people are only half-heartedly committed and ready to bail at any time.  You need security in a relationship as does the woman.  Sex between a man and a woman creates a bond.  When you so casually toss aside that bond, it indicates that you are not trustworthy and that you are just willing to selfishly use someone for your own gratification and care nothing for her feelings.

     Now I know that there are a certain number of you reading my book to learn new techniques to pleasure a woman better and give her more orgasms.  That is a good thing.  The bad thing is that some of you are only reading it to learn new techniques so as to be more effective at being promiscuous.  No one really respects someone who is promiscuous.

     I wrote this book to help people be better at their relationships and strengthen their relationships.  The real definition of being a man is someone who can be counted on for the long haul.  A man who leads his life as an example of integrity and absolute honesty.  That old fashioned notion of your word is your bond.

     The very definition of love is putting the other person’s needs first.  You need to be bringing a woman to a few orgasms before you climb on and get yours and leave her unfulfilled and frustrated.  If you get off and don’t get her off, you are just using her and that is not love or making love.

    That attitude was the founding principle for the Christian organization called Promise Keepers.  It is also the guiding principle for a national ministry called: The National Center for Fathering, founded by Dr. Ken Canfield.  Dr. Canfield says that not only is it important to honor your promises and commitments to your wife, but it is even more important to honor them to your children.

     None of that is possible or likely if you are being self-centered and narcissistic.  You need to put your woman and children first and be committed to them.  I wrote this so that you could use the information to better please your woman in bed so that she would be more willing to give you the sex that you want when you want it.  The purpose is to strengthen the relationship.  Great sex tends to really bond and strengthen the relationship.  If you just use it for sex without the corresponding commitment, then it becomes a self-centered waste.

     The Bible has some instructions for all of us men in the following scriptural references:

    Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it;…so men out men to love their wives as their own bodies.  He that loves his wife loves himself.  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh;  but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church;…For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh…Nevertheless, let every  one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; Ephesians 5: 25,28,29,31,33

 

     Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to the knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers might not be hindered.  I Peter 3:7

 

     Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking who he may destroy.  I Peter 5:8

 

     I will give you similar advice that I gave to the single women in the preceding chapter.  People have become far too promiscuous.  Not only is it immoral, but it is dangerous.  We have epidemic venereal diseases in the world.  You don’t want to be playing “Russian Roulette” with your life and health.  Before you engage in sex with a woman, you should have her produce a very recent negative Aids and venereal disease test.  You should also be questioning her about her hopes and dreams about love, marriage and children.  There are more and more women out there looking for recreational sex and are not serious about marriage.  You need to find out how supportive she would be of you and how nurturing.  Before you actually have sex with her, it would behoove you to find out how she would respond in bed.  Will she give you blow jobs?  What does she think is an appropriate number of times a week to have sex?  Will she talk dirty in bed to you?  There are a lot of women out there who are very prudish about sex and unwilling to change.  60% of the women out there have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less. Don’t you think that it would be good for you to find that out before having sex with her?  If she is not even willing to have a conversation with you about it, you don’t want her anyway.  Couples have fights about the BIG THREE:  MONEY, SEX AND KIDS.

     Too many women out there practice the policy of not talking about sex before she has sex with a man and hoping for the best.  This is part of her notions about sex being spontaneous.  She does not want to think about it in advance because of her guilt over sex.  If she does not talk to you about it before having sex with you, she feels somewhat resolved over her guilt and tells herself that it “just happened”.  It is further complicated that she still has that romantic notion of the “knight in shining armor” sweeping her off of her feet and then wanting to keep her.  Too often it is these kinds of thoughts and notions that are on her mind when she goes to bed with you.

     I would suggest on the second or third date to have the conversation with her about sex if you have an interest in her and that you feel that she has an interest in you.  If she asks you why you are initiating a conversation about sex when you have not even had sex with her, you can honestly answer that:  You feel that sex is important and should not be entered into lightly or irresponsibly.  Since this is the way that you feel and that you want to respect her by not having sex with her if you realize that the relationship is not going to be compatible, you want to spare her feelings of having sex with her and not continuing into a relationship.  You are trying to spare her feelings.  It gives her a way to preview you as well as you previewing how she would react.  It is only by talking with each other and getting a feel about their sexual style can you evaluate if you want to pursue the relationship any further.  It saves hurt feelings and the notion of having been used for sex.  It is honest and shows integrity.  If she fiercely resists an honest conversation you need to pass any way.  The foundation of a good relationship you can tell her is the ability to communicate openly and honestly with each other, especially over important topics like sex.  The key to fantastic mind blowing sex is in a committed relationship where both parties in the relationship practice 100-100 comitment.  It is not found in casual promiscuous sex.  I am suggesting to you that the essence of being a true man is someone who can be counted upon for honesty and integrity.  You can’t be that kind of man and practice casual sex for your own selfish gratification.  A good marriage is the best possible solution for you.  Let me quote some others on why you should seek to be married:

     According to David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead who are co-directors of the Marriage Project at Rutgers university, they have found the following factors yield the best chance at long-lasting satisfying marriage:  having similar goals and interests, know each other well but don’t live together before they get married, come from intact families, marry after age 25, and are not expecting a child, similar in age, race, religion, political beliefs, education, intelligence and values.  The payoff of a good marriage is personal happiness, more and better sex than singles, economic success, health and long life, and very positive benefits for the children.


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